[unaluna]

He wasnt being stubborn. HE JUST SAID NO. He doesnt need to give a reason!

Why did he need to give a reason? Why wasnt his answer enough? Why did she "forget" he hurt his back? Why was her sobbing supposed to make a difference?

I think its wise to look at the goals of therapy. Because this IS the relationship, but THESE are the relationship issues that are arising, not whether he is SHARING too much info with her. Its how she TREATS him, given whatever info she has or remembers. THATS the transference. Thats working within the transference. Im thinking of the family holidays where LT doesnt have a choice. Its the whole family dynamic. Nobody has a choice. (I didnt in my family - everybody chose everything for me.)

Why didnt I get a ? : pouting:

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by unaluna

He wasnt being stubborn. HE JUST SAID NO. He doesnt need to give a reason!

Why did he need to give a reason? Why wasnt his answer enough? Why did she "forget" he hurt his back? Why was her sobbing supposed to make a difference?

I think its wise to look at the goals of therapy. Because this IS the relationship, but THESE are the relationship issues that are arising, not whether he is SHARING too much info with her. Its how she TREATS him, given whatever info she has or remembers. THATS the transference. Thats working within the transference. Im thinking of the family holidays where LT doesnt have a choice. Its the whole family dynamic. Nobody has a choice. (I didnt in my family - everybody chose everything for me.)

Why didnt I get a ? : pouting:

Good post for sure!! No is a complete sentence after all and no one owes you an explanation. Now we are still talking about his standing and not about the issue.

[LonesomeTonight]

I have no idea what you mean about the family holidays. And I don't think I'm treating my T so horribly. His original back injury was like 6 months ago, and it's not like he's mentioned it. I had no way of knowing that standing up from that particular chair would hurt him more than his other chair. I know this is a very different relationship, but an example I gave earlier this week is that if I asked H to get milk on his way home, and he just replied, "No." without explanation, that would bother me. If he said, "No, I have to stop for gas and that will already put me home late," then sure. I give other people explanations if I can't do something. Like...to use an example with T, I wouldn't have just asked him if he could decrease his rate for me without explaining why. If I have to cancel plans with someone, I'd give some explanation for why. If a friend is like, "Can I have a hug?" I wouldn't be like, "No!" without saying, for example, "I'm coming down with something" or "I'm just not a touchy-feely person so it makes me feel uncomfortable." Maybe I'm just weird, I don't know. But my mom always required explanations for everything, sometimes multiple ones. I didn't feel like going to dinner on vacation? I'm tired? No that's not good enough. I have a headache? Also not enough of an excuse. It's a migraine? "My friend has migraines and they're really bad, but yours certainly can't be as bad."

[SlumberKitty]

Awww LT. I'm sorry that your Mom always required multiple explanations and then didn't accept them when you gave them to her. Comparing your migraines to her friend's migraines certainly isn't helpful. I would probably be inclined to give an explanation as well. Because just saying no in my family was also discouraged. (Sort of seen like backtalk.) Plus sometimes I think a simple explanation can go a long way. Does someone have to give one? Well no. But is it kinder to the other person to give one? Usually I would think so. Although I am sometimes guilty of telling my T: I don't know. It's when I truly don't know. Or I don't answer at all, and she says, "Oh, you don't know, do you?" And then we move on. I don't mean to be rude, I just sometimes don't know why something is, or isn't, or could be, or should be, or whatever. But I think it can be seen as rude to say I don't know (which I know is a tangent and not connected to what you went through) but I don't mean to be rude. Okay, I'll stop now. HUGS LT. Kit

[ScarletPimpernel]

LT, I don't think you did anything wrong. A therapeutic relationship isn't like any other relationship. It's a place where you should be able to express anything and learn what to do and not to do in a relationship. And if you hit a boundary, you learn how to cope/deal with that.

[feralkittymom]

But my mom always required explanations for everything, sometimes multiple ones.

And I don't think I'm treating my T so horribly.


Hello??? Do you see the pattern? This is transference in action. Your mother didn't accept your boundaries, you struggle against your T's. And I know you'll say it isn't the same because your mother's actions were hurtful, and you're only being normally interactive. But you're shifting the therapy relationship into a social relationship. Of course, you realize it isn't, but, but, but--that's the nature of transference. So the question is: what is this struggle about? What needs are you trying to meet by engaging in this way? And how do you see it resolving--what does that look like? Because if your answer is anything along the lines of your T behaving, thinking, feeling differently, you're distorting therapy.


I think your T is actually pretty good about holding his boundaries; I think he could do more, but he is also trying to balance keeping your feelings from escalating--something ex-MC failed to do.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I have no idea what you mean about the family holidays. And I don't think I'm treating my T so horribly. His original back injury was like 6 months ago, and it's not like he's mentioned it. I had no way of knowing that standing up from that particular chair would hurt him more than his other chair. I know this is a very different relationship, but an example I gave earlier this week is that if I asked H to get milk on his way home, and he just replied, "No." without explanation, that would bother me. If he said, "No, I have to stop for gas and that will already put me home late," then sure. I give other people explanations if I can't do something. Like...to use an example with T, I wouldn't have just asked him if he could decrease his rate for me without explaining why. If I have to cancel plans with someone, I'd give some explanation for why. If a friend is like, "Can I have a hug?" I wouldn't be like, "No!" without saying, for example, "I'm coming down with something" or "I'm just not a touchy-feely person so it makes me feel uncomfortable." Maybe I'm just weird, I don't know. But my mom always required explanations for everything, sometimes multiple ones. I didn't feel like going to dinner on vacation? I'm tired? No that's not good enough. I have a headache? Also not enough of an excuse. It's a migraine? "My friend has migraines and they're really bad, but yours certainly can't be as bad."

LT you dont owe anyone an explanation and nor do they owe it to you. Yeah it's so much easier if they just tell you why or you tell them why but you dont have to. I'm not a huggy person, my friend recently was upset but she knew I wouldnt hug her. I got her Kleenex and my cat to cuddle. I offered her support and care but I dont hug, I dont need to tell her why and nor has she ever asked in 10 years of knowing me. No one HAS to explain themselves.

In the situation of your H and the milk what if he said "I cant do that, but what if I went and got milk at x time?" would that still upset you? I feel it's a play on T saying "I'm not able to stand up at the end but if we change when you pay I'd be standing" no explanation or excuse but still a no.

I dont think you are doing anything wrong but I do think you are on an interesting path.

I dont think caring about someone means you get to know either, wouldnt your mum claim she asked because she cares?

it's all super interesting and if you can stick with seeing beyond his standing or his explanation as the problem then it seems like you are onto something.

[unaluna]

Exactly. Fkm, LT, , JT, SP, et al,
By holiday, i mean, dont you go with your parents to the beach every year? Or something like that? Not that theres anything wrong with it, but i vaguely remember something to the effect of, its on THEIR timetable.

But yeah, exactly. Youre treating your t like your mom treated you. Just like when i would say to my t, "youre just like my mom!", and he would go, "no, YOURE just like your mom!"

We cant harp on what THEY are doing (are they being polite or reasonable or whatever), because their actions are not TRUE SOCIALLY - they are carefully responding therapeutically to us.

Are you "treating him horribly"? Was your mother treating you horribly? She wasnt accepting your answer. She was training you to give her the correct answer. I sometimes think my parents treated me like a dog, only they didnt give me that much attention.

[SalingerEsme]

LT, he should simply and transparently said his back hurt. Nice, simple, understandable, polite. Modeling a gracious way to say no nicely. . .

[SlumberKitty]

I agree @SalingerEsme

[feralkittymom]

I have a good friend who used to be a work colleague. I first met her almost 40 yrs ago when I was also seeing former T and wading through deep, deep poo (just for you, una). She is someone to whom EVERYBODY attaches. Seriously, it's like that Seinfeld when Kramer has to get cured of the "kavorka." People are just drawn to her. Her son is the same way. Anyway, now we laugh about it because she sees herself as someone who wants to be the archetype of the crazy cat lady--living alone on a mountaintop with 100 cats--and no people!


But when I met her and as I spent time with her, I found myself revealing a lot to her--stuff only T knew. I'd never told anyone anything before. In hindsight, I realize she was very T-like: not in her responses at all, but in her acceptance. Anything I said or felt was just accepted. I experienced, really for the first time in my life, what it felt like to just BE with another person. It was incredibly freeing. I also realize now that part of that feeling was because she accepted 100% my boundaries wherever they were on a given day.


Growing up, I wasn't allowed to have a boundary about anything: emotional, cognitive, physical, sexual. So it was just stunning to me to experience what having boundaries respected really felt like, and just how freeing it was. I didn't need to think about what to say or not say, whether saying something would cause her to hurt me or end the friendship. And it's still the same: neither of us demands anything of the other; we just accept each other as we are. And while we each do considerate things for the other, there's no demand or need being fulfilled. The freedom for each of us to just BE is the glue that has kept the friendship going for so long.

[unaluna]

The kavorka!

[Rive.]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Why didnt I get a :good post: ? : pouting:

Here you go una,

[zoiecat]

I agree with those that say you are treating your T as your mom treated you but I think it goes one step further. I have followed all of your posrs and I see the same pattern repeatedly. I am not trying to judge by any means, I'm simply pointing out an observation.

It seems like you have expectations of the perfect scenario of outcomes you want yo see from your T. (If only he would have said this...or all he had to do was this...). Everytime he does not respond as you would like, it appears you get upset and email or ask for an extra session in hopes of somehow getting him to change his mind and revert to your way of thinking. It is almost like you won't give up until he agrees with you. (Stone, email terms, standing, parting greetings, etc).

I lnow it is difficult for you to accept his reponses that do not agree with your preplanned expectations but part of life is that things do mor alwats go our way and each person gas their own autonomy; we can't control what others do. Maybe you feel that he is required to do things your way because he is the T, but part of therapy is to mimic real life and help you deal with life's disappointments.

I think your T has always trued to do the right thing for you which is not always what you wanted but uou continue to fight it each time resulting on a rupture until he finally gives you what you want.

It would probably be more helpful to spend sessions working on how you can change these patterns so that you can better deal with things not always going your way in the future. Think of all the ruptures, emails, and sleepless nights this could prevent if only you could accept and allow others to not always agree with you. Kind of like raising children. They are not always going toget what they want in life and that is ok. They will still survive and grow and may thrive better in the long run. (Eating candy at every meal or watchg tv all day is not healthy)

I hope thus does not sound too harsh, it is just my observation from the past tear or so. I wish you the best LT and am consrantly lullong for you, hoping your T can break through your expectation requests and start to really work on resolving the patterns of your distress. It sounds like you know where it is coming from. Try asking T for solutions to help yourself change and deal with the issues. The goals of therapy are to help you change, not convincing the T to change. This is usually painful but necessary to improve your life.

[LonesomeTonight]

Thanks for the various comments. I do know that I'm repeating a pattern at times. And T is trying to work with me on that. I know I'm less likely to post about these sessions, but we do spend a lot of time talking about stuff from my childhood, particularly my relationship with my parents, and how that affected me. And ways to try to move forward from that. It was the main topic this past Thursday, for example.

I think, for me, with this T in particular, he's less demonstrative about caring. It can be difficult for me to accept that people care about me, particularly someone with whom I've shared so many negative and dark parts of myself. So it's like part of me wants him to prove that caring in a way, by words, actions, etc. But as I said to T earlier this week, I think part of what he's doing (whether intentionally or unintentionally) is to teach me to accept caring that comes in a form that's not exactly what I'm looking for. T thought that was a good observation. I think I'm doing that better lately regarding H, for example. And in T talking to me about how much thought he puts into my therapy, that shows he really cares, probably moreso than him saying "I care about you" or choosing to stand at a time when I'd want him to. (With my paying at the beginning now, he does stand to shake my hand and see me out at the end now.)

I do think that, in addition to my parents, some of this comes from my experience with ex-MC, too. Because he generally did give me what I wanted (with a couple exceptions) and seemed accept things I said and did that, in retrospect, he probably should not have accepted (I mentioned this to T recently as well). It felt good at the time, but also didn't really teach me anything--except perhaps to push him more and see what else he'd accept. The fact that he was so outwardly caring--perhaps even over the top in some ways (though that's his style--T, who knows him, said he tends to seem *too* happy to see people)--for so long, then ultimately getting rejected on some level by him... I think that makes it more difficult to accept T's more quiet, subtle displays of caring. Like, ex-MC accepted nearly everything and was so obvious in his caring, yet he rejected me. So if T is much less outward about his caring and also lets me know when things I do/say bother or upset him (things ex-MC likely would have accepted, even if they did in fact bother him), then my mind jumps to "he doesn't care as much and of course will end up rejecting me, too." And feeling rejected over the standing thing, for example, also called back past rejections from authority figures. Which is why I told T that I knew it wasn't all about him, while he seemed to think it was?

Will add more about Tuesday's conversation in a separate post, as I feel this one has gotten sorta long and rambling.

OK, ETA: I do think working through these conflicts with my T has therapeutic value with effects outside just the therapeutic relationship. He's helping me learn ways to handle conflict and how other people might react to me. And he's being honest with me in ways that others might not (he's talked about doing this, including trying to give me a sense of how others react). So I don't feel these conflicts are wasting valuable therapy time, but, in fact, perhaps are teaching me more than if we just talked about how I handle conflict and wanting things from people that they might not be willing to give. Kind of that whole "the relationship is the work" idea, even though that generally isn't how he practices therapy (though he seems to understand how talking through these things helps me and isn't a waste of time).

[LonesomeTonight]

Stuff from Tuesday's session:

I said I got the sense from what he'd said Monday that he self-discloses more to other clients than to me. Though I knew I may have misunderstood and wanted to clarify. But if I did interpret correctly, it made me feel almost like when ex-T said she hugged other clients but (at the time) wouldn't hug me because I had some maternal transference. That it felt almost like I was being punished. I also mentioned the "steel trap" thing. T said he is particularly careful with self-disclosure with me, that he's thoughtful about what he shares, especially because I'll mention things he shared again. But that he also doesn't share much about himself with clients in general (so, not just me, but he thinks about it more with me).

I said part of the thing with him not disclosing much is...that I sort of come up with some sort of narrative anyway. And then I also might have the desire to try to seek out information in other ways (alluding to Googling, while hoping he wouldn't ask specifics--he knows I've done some Googling of him in the past). I said how I knew--or thought I knew, from what ex-T had said--that his son was maybe on the spectrum, but that I'd respected him about that, how I hadn't asked more questions (well, aside from his age), that it's not like I tried to Google stuff about that.

How when his wife's post showed up in one of my Facebook group (biomedical treatment group for autism, ADHD, etc.), that I'd told him. And that I knew I shoudln't have gone and read her past posts in there, but I did (again, it was in a group I was already in, dating back to before I even knew T). And I wondered if that's something we need to discuss at one point, like what I thought I'd learned in there and the narrative I may have created (he didn't really say anything in response to that).

Stuff about my crying came up. I said how some people on PC had suggested that maybe he thinks I'm trying to manipulate him by crying. So I was concerned he might think that. T: "I've never thought that about you." Me: "OK, good, thanks." I said I'd asked H that question the other night, if he ever thought when I cried in front of him, if I was trying to manipulate him. And he replied, "Not most of the time, no." T asked if I'd asked him to explain more, and I said not at the time, but it's been bothering me, so I should ask him. That I didn't know if he was joking or serious. (They're really the only two people I cry in front of with any regularity.)

I said something about it being helpful to be able to get the tears out in his office, that it felt like a safe place to cry. While he just sits there. Then I said, "I mean, I don't expect you to do more than sit there, just your being accepting of it is enough. I know you're not going to come over and comfort me or something." He said something about that being a natural want to have. Me: "Yeah, and sometimes I wonder if it could be helpful to talk about some of those wants, like regarding you, even if I know they wouldn't happen. Like maybe there's some value in talking about where they're coming from." T: "We can talk about those sorts of things. It might make me a bit uncomfortable, but that's OK." Me: "OK, not today, but maybe in the future."

In talking about how he handles me as a client, he said he wasn't sure which thing ex-MC did that led to all the issues. I said I thought it was more about inconsistent boundaries than disclosure. He asked if ex-MC's talking about his kids contributed to the transference. I said really just when he would talk about helping his daughter, then later his son, to deal with their anxiety. Because I'd wished my parents had been able to do that. So it brought out some paternal transference. But much of the other disclosure, not really. It was the inconsistent boundaries in particular, I thought.

T: "You've had a history of this happening more than once." Me: "You're referring to the teacher as well as ex-MC?" T: "Yes." Me: "I think the teacher was partly a boundaries issue, too, where he accepted things until he didn't." T: "Because it's happened before, I think about how the worst possible outcome for you would be to have that happen again with me, to have another bad ending, like with my saying you have to cut off communication. I'm trying very hard to do everything I can to keep that from happening." I said I really appreciated that. I think that was right near the end of session.

It meant a lot and really resonated with me. I didn't say this, but was thinking afterward how it's not like he isn't doing things certain just to be a ****, or avoiding sharing things just for the sake of it, but he's really trying to be careful with my case to ensure I don't get badly hurt again by a male authority figure. I'm trying to hold that in my mind of evidence of his caring and dedication to me, as something to remember next time I feel disappointed by or hurt by him or frustrated with his boundaries.

[LonesomeTonight]

Copying this from another thread--was in reply to my saying how T has told me he doesn't believe in unconditional love, which I said surprised me because he's a parent. But he said there are things his son could do that would make him stop loving him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nik87
That’s odd.. I’ve been on the fence about your T but have kept quiet because I know you already have a lot of opinions being thrown at you. I think your t has been right about some things but I truly feel like you could be better helped by a different T. I feel like the 2 of you will always be in some type of off and on conflict. That’s not healthy. His comment about unconditional love solidifies it about the constant conflict you will have with him. He is a bit cold, standoffish and keeps you at arms length ( with some warm, connecting moments in between). You seem like a warm and loving person. It’s like trying to connect the back of two magnets. You will get close at times but ultimately, your never going to get the full understanding that you deserve. My T was warm and loving.. it was so healing for me. I hope you find that some day.

Thanks, Nik. I like the comparison of the back of two magnets trying to connect. And it's like every now and then, one of them flips over and we do really connect. So I know it's possible, and I crave those moments. I mean, it happens fairly often on a smaller scale--a shared laugh during session, a certain smile/look he gives me, his genuine understanding of something I'm dealing with, many other things. I don't know that "microconnections" is an actual term, but it jumps to mind. At times it feels like a long-term friendship, where you just know each other so well, how to make the other one laugh, what a small physical gesture means, etc. I can tell he genuinely cares about me.

But then it's seemed like in some of the moments when I've needed him most, he hasn't been there--in fact, if anything, he's pushed me away. I know he's trying to keep me from being dependent on him, and in his mind, he thinks some of that is what's best for me. But it also really hurts. But then we talk through those times, I realize he's ultimately just looking out for me, not wanting me to repeat what happened with ex-MC, and it all makes sense to me. It feels like how a parent should be, trying to teach me to stand on my own two feet. That if he just gave me what I wanted all the time, then wouldn't I just become hopelessly dependent on him? What reason would I have to learn and use the tools to handle things on my own and/or with people in my circle other than him? So it's like emotion and logic, child and adult, are at battle in my head over him.

I feel at times that I'm playing something out with him, something I need to play out. Something from my childhood. Like he's my emotionally distant father, and I can say things to T now that I couldn't to my father then (or that I'd feel bad saying to him now). And my T will engage with me in ways that my dad didn't. I don't know...it feels like I have business to finish with my T. But the fact that he doesn't really work with transference makes that extra difficult. As he takes it all to be about him (countertransference?), when most of it isn't--at least, most of the emotion behind it. Like why it bothered me that he wouldn't stand when I left and he took it as me controlling him when I was just trying to express a want (which is something I tend to have trouble doing). He is standing when I leave now, incidentally...apparently he realized it wasn't such an imposition after all.

Just thinking out loud. I have contacted another T, one who I saw once for a session earlier this year (who does not know this T personally) about consulting with her again. She's willing to do so, we just keep missing each other over email (I think she's out of town). So hopefully I can talk to her soon. And if not her, then someone else.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hm, I guess I never update this thread with the stuff from two Fridays ago, when I was feeling really awful and reached out to T over email, and it devolved into a total mess, with him sending me a very long, rather harsh (at one point saying I was being manipulative) email at 10 pm on a Friday...I could share that here if people haven't seen it and are interested. I'd posted it on the Couch, but many people seemed to think my T was making total sense in what he was saying and being a good T, so I started to doubt my own feelings about it. We met that Sunday (he works some Sundays), with me thinking I might terminate. We talked it all through, he helped me understand why he'd reacted that way--he was "frustrated" with me and had felt "trapped" into replying to me twice on a Friday night because

Possible trigger:

I'd mentioned desires for SH and SUI, and he said he had this feeling that maybe I wasn't going to stay safe. I said during that session that maybe he shouldn't have said certain negative things to me when I was in that state--how they could have potentially pushed me further in a negative place (they kinda did, but a friend helped me get through it), that they could have waited until session when I was more stable, and he seemed to agree with that. How it was coming out of his frustration and a bit of fatigue (was late on a Friday). I said he could have just told me that if I was feeling that bad, I needed to contact a crisis line or go to the ER--which is what he's said before when I ask him how he deals with a client in crisis, if it's a time when they can't come in for a session. That he could possibly talk to them for 5 minutes to assess their situation. I didn't say this in session, but I feel he broke his own boundaries there and was maybe annoyed at him self for it and then taking it out on me in a way.

To put part of that outside the trigger--I was worried when he said he was frustrated with me. But he said that he could be frustrated with me, but that it doesn't threaten the relationship. That everyone gets frustrated with other people sometimes. They just may not share it. That he's trying to help me see how relationships can have conflicts, but that's OK, you can work through them. It doesn't mean the other person is going to leave. Which I said feels like a lesson I missed out on as a kid, because my parents never had conflicts in front of me, and I got the overt and covert message from them that I should keep my emotions inside or it would threaten relationships. I was also an only child so no siblings to fight with. I became a people pleaser. I had the message in my head that if I upset someone, then they'd leave. And a few relationships (a teacher, some romantic ones, a friendship) seemed to prove that belief. So it's hard for me to accept it now, but I think it's something I need to understand. And T is trying to show me that in real time with our relationship. (I could say more on all that, but this is long enough!)

We talked about a bunch of other therapeutic relationship stuff that session, and I felt much better about things. I felt connected to him. I was supposed to see him for half session the next day (the Sunday was extra session) before leaving for vacation with my parents, but...ended up having to cancel because I ended up in ER for purely physical reasons (rapid heart rate--I'm OK, they checked me out and got it back down, think it was dehydration from an illness). So ended up pushing back vacation (H and D were already there) and met with him a bit Tuesday to talk about how much the ER thing had scared me

Possible trigger:

like I said to him as I laid there waiting for my results, it was like, "What if they come back and tell me I'm dying?" And T said very quietly, "I'm glad you're not dying."

So the session was really more about that, nothing else from Sunday was addressed. Then I went to the vacation for a few days, and it was OK, but I was extremely emotional when I first got down there and thought maybe I needed to just leave. Part of me wanted to email T (he was headed out of town but said he'd still be checking and responding once a day), but then I was like, "But what if he yells at me again?" Which made me feel really sad... I got lots of emotional support from my H (I would have turned to him anyway in this case), didn't contact T and have managed not to contact him since. He's back in the office tomorrow, and I see him then.

I did lots of thinking about my T, partly thanks to 3-hour drives to/from location. My emotions ranged from feeling incredibly grateful that he clearly cares about me very much and has stuck with me, through various conflicts and my challenging and questioning him. To my really struggling with some of what he said in the email, having trouble getting past the words he used when I was in a bad mental state. Wondering if maybe he's just tired of dealing with me and chose to be harsh in the hopes that I'd leave. To wondering, even if that's not the case, if he's not pushing me away, if I should leave anyway. Still not sure where I stand, planning on consultation in next week or two. But maybe the time apart, doing our own things, could have done us both good? I guess we'll see...

[Nik87]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Copying this from another thread--was in reply to my saying how T has told me he doesn't believe in unconditional love, which I said surprised me because he's a parent. But he said there are things his son could do that would make him stop loving him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nik87
That’s odd.. I’ve been on the fence about your T but have kept quiet because I know you already have a lot of opinions being thrown at you. I think your t has been right about some things but I truly feel like you could be better helped by a different T. I feel like the 2 of you will always be in some type of off and on conflict. That’s not healthy. His comment about unconditional love solidifies it about the constant conflict you will have with him. He is a bit cold, standoffish and keeps you at arms length ( with some warm, connecting moments in between). You seem like a warm and loving person. It’s like trying to connect the back of two magnets. You will get close at times but ultimately, your never going to get the full understanding that you deserve. My T was warm and loving.. it was so healing for me. I hope you find that some day.

Thanks, Nik. I like the comparison of the back of two magnets trying to connect. And it's like every now and then, one of them flips over and we do really connect. So I know it's possible, and I crave those moments. I mean, it happens fairly often on a smaller scale--a shared laugh during session, a certain smile/look he gives me, his genuine understanding of something I'm dealing with, many other things. I don't know that "microconnections" is an actual term, but it jumps to mind. At times it feels like a long-term friendship, where you just know each other so well, how to make the other one laugh, what a small physical gesture means, etc. I can tell he genuinely cares about me.

But then it's seemed like in some of the moments when I've needed him most, he hasn't been there--in fact, if anything, he's pushed me away. I know he's trying to keep me from being dependent on him, and in his mind, he thinks some of that is what's best for me. But it also really hurts. But then we talk through those times, I realize he's ultimately just looking out for me, not wanting me to repeat what happened with ex-MC, and it all makes sense to me. It feels like how a parent should be, trying to teach me to stand on my own two feet. That if he just gave me what I wanted all the time, then wouldn't I just become hopelessly dependent on him? What reason would I have to learn and use the tools to handle things on my own and/or with people in my circle other than him? So it's like emotion and logic, child and adult, are at battle in my head over him.

I feel at times that I'm playing something out with him, something I need to play out. Something from my childhood. Like he's my emotionally distant father, and I can say things to T now that I couldn't to my father then (or that I'd feel bad saying to him now). And my T will engage with me in ways that my dad didn't. I don't know...it feels like I have business to finish with my T. But the fact that he doesn't really work with transference makes that extra difficult. As he takes it all to be about him (countertransference?), when most of it isn't--at least, most of the emotion behind it. Like why it bothered me that he wouldn't stand when I left and he took it as me controlling him when I was just trying to express a want (which is something I tend to have trouble doing). He is standing when I leave now, incidentally...apparently he realized it wasn't such an imposition after all.

Just thinking out loud. I have contacted another T, one who I saw once for a session earlier this year (who does not know this T personally) about consulting with her again. She's willing to do so, we just keep missing each other over email (I think she's out of town). So hopefully I can talk to her soon. And if not her, then someone else.

I think trying out a new T while still with current T is an awesome idea!

[velcro003]

Hi LT! I will say that despite his faults (I don't think I could work with him), I highly doubt he's deliberately being harsh in the hopes that you leave. That is just cruel.