advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 02, 2019 at 03:52 PM
  #41
Yep, Words of affirmation at the top with 11.

Followed by tie at 7 of "acts of service" and "quality time"
Gift giving at 4
Physical touch at 1
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
Anonymous55498
Guest
Anonymous55498 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feb 02, 2019 at 05:11 PM
  #42
I was also an only child and, if anything, I tend to have the opposite issue: not seeing/accepting almost anyone as authority. My parents never treated me in that way, in fact some of the problems I am still having are due to not learning good discipline/being disciplined as a child... My parents never followed my school projects, not even my grades too much (they were typically very good so no concerns). I do not tend to see authority merely based on position of someone relative to me, even a boss. I do in select cases based on competency and useful mentorship. But I would have never even thought of a T as an authority figure if I hadn't read it here on PC, or my first T tried to impose it (which I boldly rejected). But I definitely agree that if a parent has an authoritarian, perfectionistic style, an only child will probably suffer from it more than siblings. With siblings, there can be at least another person on a similar level to go to vent or rebel, but one child surrounded only by adults with overly high expectations has no one to give them a reality check if something is unrealistic.

It's funny LT, because I have the impression your T is trying to often go against that authority figure role in speech, to make you not see him as such, but this whole color coding the emailing sounds pretty controlling to me even if he adds there are no real consequences or nothing would affect your relationship negatively. I personally would not have liked that color coding either and would just prefer to have a clearer agreement on what the free/paid emailing rules are. I think the 15 minutes is very vague and inaccurate, how does he measure that at all? Does he always set a timer when he opens an emails from you or writes one? Does he never get distracted and finish an email later? But I understand it is hard to set clear rules with this and define the criteria. I would prefer word count per email, it is cleaner and easier to keep correctly. Even if he might sometimes write a longer email in 5 mins and spend a lot more on composing a shorter one.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Anonymous45127, Echos Myron redux, LonesomeTonight
Lrad123
Poohbah
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
5 yr Member
372 hugs
given
Default Feb 03, 2019 at 03:00 PM
  #43
Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Or T's taking something away, like email. Or someone on the forum whose T still lets her email but he won't respond." T: "That doesn't seem right to me. I feel that if I offer something in the beginning, like replying to emails, then I should continue to do that." Me: "I appreciate that. Or if it was a case where you didn't think email was helpful to me, we'd discuss it and come up with a solution together instead of you deciding on it.".
This session with your T was particularly interesting for me to read given my history of emails with my T. I suppose our situations are different and clearly our T’s practice differently. I do very much like your T and the way you discuss things. I’m still going back & forth on how I feel about having email responses rescinded. I do think he’s kind and good, and perhaps his reasons for that should be good enough. Sometimes they are and sometimes they aren’t. I think our relationship has pivoted, possibly in a good way, with my being able to bring more into sessions rather than keeping our relationship in emails. But I do go back to feeling upset about it from time to time because it’s hard when I remember that I used to get replies, but now I don’t, no matter what (except for scheduling). And reading your discussion with your T about all this sort of stirs it all up for me and makes me realize I’m not quite over it yet. So thanks for making me think.
Lrad123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight, Waterloo12345
 
Thanks for this!
Anonymous45127, LonesomeTonight
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 08, 2019 at 09:15 PM
  #44
Will write up T sessions (Monday/Thursday) and consulting T session (Wednesday) sometime this weekend. Decided to stay with T, for now at least, but that will make more sense (I think?) from the writeups.
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
goatee, Lemoncake, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, unaluna
 
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, Anonymous45127, DP_2017, goatee, Lemoncake, Lrad123, NP_Complete, SalingerEsme
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 11, 2019 at 10:59 AM
  #45
OK, not going to write up Monday's and feel sort of weird writing up the consulting T one. Plus part of those are summarized in here.

T Thursday. A cancelled and then rescheduled session. Went back and sat down. I had trouble looking at T at first. Me: "I guess I need to talk about what's going on. Thanks for being willing to see me after I canceled." T: "Of course. I think it's better to discuss what's going on." Me: "I know the email stuff probably didn't make much sense." T: "Yes, I'm confused as to what's going on right now, so why don't you tell me what you're feeling?"

I started to cry. Me: "Damn it, didn't mean to start crying this early." I picked up the box of tissues and sat it next to me. Me: "I guess first...I need to share something with you." T: "OK." Me: "I ended up consulting with someone yesterday. I know I probably should have told you first, but it seemed kind of passive-aggressive to do that over email, like 'I'm upset with you, now I'm going to see someone else.' And I was originally going to try to see someone while you were away, but it turned out that she was away then, too, and she had an opening yesterday, so...I figured I'd go." T: "Well, I would have preferred if you'd told me first, but as I've said before you're completely free to consult with someone or see someone else for a while." Me (more tears): "Sorry for not telling you first." T: "It's OK. You're acting like you cheated on me or something." Me: "I guess I sort of feel like that?" T: "But you don't really owe me anything. This sort of fits with my saying the client has more power." Me: "I guess you could consult about me with...a client?" T: "Not really." Me: "Another T? But I guess it's not quite the same."

T: "Can you tell me what made you decide to get consultation now? I assume it was about your therapy in here, right?" Me: "Yes. It was just...after session on Monday, I just felt, like I said in the one email, despondent. I spent much of the rest of Monday and part of Tuesday crying off and on. My sending you the email...I should have waited to figure out more of what I was feeling before sending it. Because I know it may not have made a lot of sense why I was upset. But it's like, I just wanted the sadness to stop. And I was hoping your reply would help with that. But then it just felt, I don't know, kind of generic, I guess. And I'd just had an extra session last week, so I felt I couldn't ask for that. So I started looking at other T's on Psychology Today. And then Tuesday I emailed some, saying maybe I just wanted a session or two about an issue. One of the women who got back to me, I replied and said it was to consult about my therapy, and she said she'd be happy to help. She's someone who has a lot of training in attachment. She said she had a session yesterday open, so I just decided to take that because I was feeling so sad and felt I needed to discuss it with someone."

T: "OK. Do you want to talk about what you talked about with her?" Me: "I feel kind of awkward about it, but OK. I wasn't initially going to tell her your name,but then she asked, and I was kind of concerned that she would know you--and she doesn't. Actually I was worried by some freak chance it would be one of your backup T's." T: "Well, they both work out of this office. It would have been a bit passive-aggressive if you'd chosen one of them." Me: "Yeah...because then you might have seen me in the waiting room." T: "Exactly, like you were doing it just to make it clear that I knew what you were doing."

Me: "So with the T I consulted with, K, before I went in, I wrote up some notes. I didn't even end up looking at them. But I started with positive things from the therapy, then ended up writing...less-positive things?" T: "Side effects?" Me: "Yes, side effects, that's a good way to put it--you could list them on your business card in tiny print like in the drug ads." T: "Helps with depression but may cause a strange rash." Me: "Well, at least I haven't had the strange rash side effect yet!"

I mentioned a few things I talked to her about, including transference. And I told T that she said he clearly doesn't understand transference, that pretty much all adults in therapy have some form of transference. I forget what he said to that. Maybe nothing?

We went back to Monday's session and what had affected me so much. I talked about how I felt weird about our discussion about backup T's. How it turned out they were mainly just for crisis. And how he'd said if I liked one better and opted to switch to them, that would be problematic, because then one of them would have "stolen" his client. Me: "It bothers me because I'd like to think you would just want what's best for me, even if it's one of your backups. And the stolen makes me feel like property or something." He said that must have come out wrong. And that of course he does want what's best for me.

I said how with the dream, I'd figured we'd just end up discussing ex-MC. And he took it in a different direction than I'd expected, by saying he got the sense I wasn't getting what I needed from therapy. T: "Well, that's the sense I got from your dream. It seemed like your emotions in it were really strong." Me: "Yeah...but I guess it felt to me like you were saying, 'I can tell you're not getting what you need--or maybe want?--from therapy, but I'm not going to give it to you.' And I didn't know where to go with that. It suggested you felt like I needed to see someone else to get my needs met. And, like, I know that would be the ethical thing to do, but I guess there's this part of me that wanted you to be like, 'I want to make this work with you' or something. And then at the end, I asked you, 'Are you saying I need to see someone else?' And you said, 'We haven't figured that out yet,' it was just upsetting to me, but we only had a minute left, so..." T: "Well, we hadn't figured it out." Me: "Yeah...I guess not."

Me: "I guess I just think of a couple months ago when you said maybe I needed a more warm and fuzzy T." T: "I don't think I told you that--I think I asked if maybe that's what you thought would be better?" Me: "Yeah, I guess it was more of a question." T: "Have you thought about that more?" Me: "Well, it's like I said then, part of me wants that. But I think it would lead me down a bad path of being dependent, not wanting to leave them. Kind of like how you said if I hadn't had the rupture with ex-MC, you wondered if I'd ever leave him because of the good feelings I got." T: "Yes." Me: "It's like...the younger part of me, maybe the more emotional part of me wants that, but the more intellectual, adult part realizes that it's better for me in the long run to not be with someone like that." I forget what he said to that.

Me: "And with ex-MC, it's like you've said before, there was some enmeshment there." T: "Yes, you both definitely played into what happened there." Me: "Yeah, and I don't see any danger of you getting enmeshed with me."

I think I mentioned how he's said I think about therapy/therapeutic relationship too much. T: "I'm just concerned with how therapy is affecting you. You talk about being upset after session sometimes. And I worry that therapy is taking away energy that could be used in other parts of your life, like family or hobbies." Me: "Yeah, I think about that, too. I was talking to H the other night, and he said it's like I can lose a whole day at times, like being kinda out of it." T: "Yes, I don't want therapy to leave you feeling so bad." Me: "I mean, I know it's not like it's always going to be happy, like I'm going to be skipping and singing out of the office. But still...I'm not sure what the solution is. I'm going to be ruminating about something regardless because of how my mind works."

T: "I don't know. What do you think?" Me: "I mean, maybe I should try only coming once a week? Or take a break from therapy entirely?" T: "Or if you wanted to see someone else for a bit, you can always come back here." Me: "I know, thanks. Or maybe I just need to not discuss it so much with people, like if I took a break from PC?" T: "You seem to be thinking about this very scientifically. Any of those would be experiments you could try." Me: "And I guess none are irreversible." T: "Exactly. I'd only suggest that if you're trying something, you do that for at a minimum 10-14 days, so you could really tell the effects." Me: "Yeah, and if it was coming here less often, it would probably need to be longer." T: "Yes. But if you tried it and realized you needed to come in a second time, that would be OK too."

Me: "I guess another thing with being upset after session...it's that sometimes some major thing will come up in the last few minutes. Sometimes it's my doing--I told a friend I need a shock collar to stop me from doing that or something. But other times it's a comment you make." T: "Hm, so maybe we need to make the last 5 or 10 minutes lighter?" Me: "Yeah, maybe. Though then what if something came up with 11 minutes left?" T: "It's all stuff to think about." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "I figure I can see how things go and how I feel the week you're away. Because my intention is not to contact you at all, unless there was a major crisis." T: "If you end up emailing me, it's OK. I'll just reply the next day. It's not like you're a lawnmower I'm working on that I'd just throw a tarp over and get back to when I get home. You're a person, you're my client, and I have a responsibility to you." Me: "Thanks."

We were almost over time. T asked if I'd made any decisions. I said I wanted to stick with him for now, that I thought this had been a good conversation. Confirmed next week, went over to pay. He handed me a business card with both backup Ts' info on it. I thanked him and paid. As he shook my hand, T said: "Have a good weekend--doctor's orders!" I smiled and said, "Thanks, I'll do my best. You, too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

I'm not sure how well it came out in the writeup, but it really feels like he cares and just wants what's best for me. It felt like a good, important discussion, that I imagine will be an ongoing one. And I think it cleared the air about some things.
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
ChickenNoodleSoup, goatee, NP_Complete, SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, Anonymous45127, ChickenNoodleSoup, DP_2017, goatee, SalingerEsme
DP_2017
Grand Magnate
 
DP_2017's Avatar
DP_2017 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 4,412
5 yr Member
665 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 11, 2019 at 12:34 PM
  #46
Lt

Sounds good and productive. I really like that he pointed put clients have more power. I agree and it's not common to see therapists admit that so I respect him for it

I am glad you have a better sense of future plans. I hope you finds something that works for you

__________________
Grief is the price you pay for love.
DP_2017 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Anonymous45127, LonesomeTonight
JaneTennison1
Magnate
JaneTennison1 Not the bloody queen
 
Member Since: Aug 2014
Location: US
Posts: 2,202
8 yr Member
121 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 11, 2019 at 12:57 PM
  #47
I love that your T picked up on how much therapy bleeds into your real life and is trying to look at that with you. It sounds sometimes like you could use a break from it and I hope you find it.
JaneTennison1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Anonymous45127, ArtleyWilkins, DP_2017, LonesomeTonight, scorpiosis37
Glowworm80
Member
Glowworm80 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2018
Location: London
Posts: 55
5 yr Member
Default Feb 11, 2019 at 01:33 PM
  #48
Seems like a good session LT. Love your honesty with your T. I understand the feeling of therapy seeming to take over life.

Something I am wondering. If you change to another therapist what do you hope will be different with them? What do you think they can give you that this T will not? These are just questions I’m wondering...might be worth exploring what it is you think might be more helpful for you. Is it that he is not warm enough?

You do seem to have a good rapport with this T and he allows out of session contact that he charges for. That might not be enough though.
Glowworm80 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Anonymous45127, LonesomeTonight, susannahsays
NP_Complete
Grand Magnate
 
NP_Complete's Avatar
NP_Complete is still here
 
Member Since: Feb 2017
Location: the upside down
Posts: 3,800
5 yr Member
6,346 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 11, 2019 at 08:24 PM
  #49
I like his lawnmower analogy.

Sounds like an intense but overall good session.
NP_Complete is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight, susannahsays
healed84
Young Butterfly
 
healed84's Avatar
healed84 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2012
Posts: 7,574
10 yr Member
1,475 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 11, 2019 at 09:04 PM
  #50
LT- as much as you may doubt this now, I think your t is a good mixture of hard-***/but compassionate and that I think is the kind of t you need. He at the same time can understand your transference (I think he really gets it) and affirms those feelings, but keep boundaries and not become enmeshed as he noted you and mc seemed to get tangled in. I think consciously or not you sense that from him, and you get afraid and want to find another t who you may feel you have a little more control over, or somebody who seems a little more “emotional.” If you are going to stick with therapy I really think current t is the right guy. I think you two will do great work together. However, as always just another opinion take it or leave it

__________________
"You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in. You get a second chance, every second."

"You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be!" - J.K. Rowling. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
healed84 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SalingerEsme
 
Thanks for this!
ArtleyWilkins, LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, susannahsays, unaluna
scorpiosis37
Magnate
 
scorpiosis37's Avatar
scorpiosis37 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,302
10 yr Member
22 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 11, 2019 at 10:05 PM
  #51
Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneTennison1 View Post
I love that your T picked up on how much therapy bleeds into your real life and is trying to look at that with you. It sounds sometimes like you could use a break from it and I hope you find it.
This resonated with me too. I think you have a good T and a very strong relationship with him. I think it can sometimes be difficult to navigate how much emergency we are putting into using therapy to help improve our real lives and when therapy is taking over our real lives. That’s something I struggled with when I was in therapy. When I felt like I wasn’t getting “enough” from my T, sometimes it was because something wasn’t going right in the therapy and sometimes it was because I was trying to use the relationship with T to fill something that was missing IRL. I never did manage to figure out how to get therapy to improve my RL, but I have seen others do it. For me, I always kind of “obsessed” over therapy to the point it became a greater source of emotion than my RL relationships and simply ending therapy was the right choice for me. For others though who have Ts with good boundaries (like yours), I think there are ways to focus on how therapy can help you make improvements IRL without getting so wrapped up in the T relationship that you lose days a time. I just remember so vividly how this used to happen with me, so it stands out. I wish there were more resources that helped clients with this. Like, what should a client DO when this kind of preoccupation is happening? Maybe your T has some helpful suggestions for you.
scorpiosis37 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ArtleyWilkins, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, susannahsays, unaluna
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 14, 2019 at 12:27 PM
  #52
Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneTennison1 View Post
I love that your T picked up on how much therapy bleeds into your real life and is trying to look at that with you. It sounds sometimes like you could use a break from it and I hope you find it.

Yes, I think it's good he realized this as well and was concerned about it and is trying to help me do something to change it.
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 14, 2019 at 12:29 PM
  #53
Quote:
Originally Posted by healed84 View Post
LT- as much as you may doubt this now, I think your t is a good mixture of hard-***/but compassionate and that I think is the kind of t you need. He at the same time can understand your transference (I think he really gets it) and affirms those feelings, but keep boundaries and not become enmeshed as he noted you and mc seemed to get tangled in. I think consciously or not you sense that from him, and you get afraid and want to find another t who you may feel you have a little more control over, or somebody who seems a little more “emotional.” If you are going to stick with therapy I really think current t is the right guy. I think you two will do great work together. However, as always just another opinion take it or leave it

Thanks. I'm actually thinking lately that you're right--that he is the kind of T I need. I think he definitely understands the transference/attachment better now than when I first started seeing him (but kinda wish he had more background in it). I think I realize that he may be completely what I *want* in a T, but he's what I *need* in a T. Hm, maybe talking to that other T helped me realize that...
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
healed84
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 14, 2019 at 12:33 PM
  #54
Quote:
Originally Posted by scorpiosis37 View Post
This resonated with me too. I think you have a good T and a very strong relationship with him. I think it can sometimes be difficult to navigate how much emergency we are putting into using therapy to help improve our real lives and when therapy is taking over our real lives. That’s something I struggled with when I was in therapy. When I felt like I wasn’t getting “enough” from my T, sometimes it was because something wasn’t going right in the therapy and sometimes it was because I was trying to use the relationship with T to fill something that was missing IRL. I never did manage to figure out how to get therapy to improve my RL, but I have seen others do it. For me, I always kind of “obsessed” over therapy to the point it became a greater source of emotion than my RL relationships and simply ending therapy was the right choice for me. For others though who have Ts with good boundaries (like yours), I think there are ways to focus on how therapy can help you make improvements IRL without getting so wrapped up in the T relationship that you lose days a time. I just remember so vividly how this used to happen with me, so it stands out. I wish there were more resources that helped clients with this. Like, what should a client DO when this kind of preoccupation is happening? Maybe your T has some helpful suggestions for you.

Thanks, it helps to hear how you characterize your past experience with T (I read much of it at the time, but it's often different looking back). It's easy to get sucked in when a T can seem so caring and supportive. I agree that there should be more resources for this (aside from PC!) and that T's should be more aware that it's happening AND know what to do to help clients with it. I mean, ex-T would comment on how much I seemed to think about therapy in general and ex-MC in particular, but it didn't seem she had any suggestions for me in how to stop doing that. I mean, "Stop thinking about it so much" isn't particularly helpful! Ex-MC certainly didn't seem to do anything to shift it either...

Hm, this seems like a potential thread on PC...
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 14, 2019 at 12:38 PM
  #55
T Monday. Spent first 5 minutes ranting about the winter weather that had closed schools that day. Me: "OK, think I just needed to get that out!"

I said I'd felt OK about things since Thursday's session. Me: "But I guess you assumed that because you hadn't heard from me." T: "Actually, I wasn't sure. I thought maybe you just didn't want to email." Me: "Ah OK. No, I do feel OK about what we talked about in session." T smiled: "Good." Me: "And I don't really feel the need to see the consulting T again." T: "Are you worried about hurting my feelings?" Me: "Uh...no...I just don't feel the need to see her again for now. Like I think I got what I needed and feel OK about things here for now." T: "OK, just making sure." Me: "I mean, maybe I'd want to see her again in the future? But not right now."

I said how part of it was that I realized talking to her felt more like talking to a friend in some ways, maybe because she was laughing so much? Me: "Or maybe because she's only 2 years older than me? But then you're only 7 years older, so..." I said how a someone had said maybe the friend thing could be good vs. authority figure. T: "It would be a different dynamic. What do you think?" Me: "I don't know. I could see that point. But really, I think what would be better would be to figure out how not to see you as so much of an authority figure. OK, what would really be good is to change how I think about authority figures in general." T pointed at me (one of his things): "Now you're talking." Me: "Yeah. Because I'm going to keep encountering them in life."

This led to a bit of discussion about PC. I mentioned how I hadn't shared Thursday's session until that morning. T: "Wow, that's a change." Me: "Yeah, I think I wanted to be sure about how I felt about it before sharing it." T: "How did that go?" Me: "I think it helped." We discussed how my sharing stuff about session more quickly, before I'd had time to process, could be problematic with me. Because if I wasn't sure how I felt, then I might be swayed by what other people said. T said waiting could help me better use the "LT filter." Where I'd be filtering what other people said through my own feelings. Which could help me be less affected by others' thoughts. We then talked about how PC as a whole, like a consensus of people's opinions, could almost be like an authority figure. He talked some about "group think," but I forget what all he said. So I think I'm going to wait more to post sessions.

Also talked very briefly about how I feel some friends could be like authority figures to me, specifically mentioning the person I considered my best friend in high school and in my 20s. He found that interesting. I said I needed to think more about what made someone an authority figure in my mind. Me: "That might be a good thing for me to kind of explore the week you're away..." T agreed.

Somehow we ended up talking about email. I said how my intention was to not email him while he's away (next week, like this Saturday to next Sunday). He reiterated that it was fine to email him then. I said I knew I was at a certain level of emails, so I imagined he'd charge me if I emailed then. T said I was approaching that point, that maybe he would charge if I emailed that week (not because he's away, but because of the amount I've emailed in past month or so). But how if I waited a couple weeks, could all reset.

I asked for more specifics. He said again how he hadn't really gone into this email policy in this detail with anyone, so he hadn't thought it through on that level. Me: "I guess I'm the only client who has asked for this much detail?" T: "Well, I have some clients who don't email at all. And those that do tend to fall into two categories. Some would an email that obviously requires a longer response, so it would be obvious that I'd charge for that. (he generally charges for replies taking longer than 15 minutes). And then there are some who just send me a shorter email occasionally, like once a month, so those I wouldn't charge. But you're kind of a mix of all three." Me: "Oh, OK. So I'm the confusing one, then!" (or something like that.) I forget what he said to that.

At some point we also discussed coping mechanisms, how some can be good in moderation, but then too much can be bad. He gave example of alcohol (which is one of mine). I said how emailing him could maybe be the same way. He gave me a look like "Yep, you're getting it!" I talked about maybe creating an actual list of coping mechanisms I could use, things to try if I'm struggling. He said it's a good idea, that it can be hard to think of them in the moment. And that's part of why he gave me that COPE inventory a few weeks ago, that maybe I could use that as a starting point for a list, then add other stuff to it that's not on there.

Also talked briefly about if I were to see one of his backup T's next week when he's away, would they expect me to be in crisis? And be like, "What is she doing here?" if it's just that I'm having a really rough week. T said at this point, he's let them know I might contact them, and it's fine if I see them if I'm just having a rough week, that it doesn't have to get to crisis level. I said my intention was to not use them unless things are going really bad.

Confirmed time for Friday (he asked if I could come an hour earlier than scheduled) and scheduled for week he comes back. I said I was having some doubts about seeing him Friday, which is the day before he goes out of town. Me: "I'm just worried that if we have some kind of conflict...I mean, I certainly wouldn't want to email you the night before you go out of town." T: "I could still respond to you then." Me: "But yeah, I'd feel bad. Do you still have anything Thursday?" T told me the couple times he had available and said to just text him if I wanted to change. Which I did, switching to this afternoon. It's also in part that I'm going to a concert tonight and will be home late, and he'd asked me to switch to 10:30 a.m. So this sort of makes sense on a couple levels, and I just keep having this nagging bad feeling about seeing him Friday (thanks, OCD and anxiety!)--so I feel that could have affected my session.

Felt like it was a productive session, with the authority figure discussion. No tears on my part. Anyway, when we parted ways, shook hands as he said "Good luck out there." Me: "Thanks, you too." T: "And good luck on getting that third thing done." (I'd told him at start of session that I'd had 3 work things due that day and had already turned in 2--I was impressed he remembered that at the end.) Me: "Thanks!"
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
ChickenNoodleSoup, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, unaluna
 
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, Lrad123, SalingerEsme
SlumberKitty
Legendary Wise Elder
 
SlumberKitty's Avatar
SlumberKitty is staying stable.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
117.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 14, 2019 at 01:10 PM
  #56
Hey LT, it sounds like waiting to share your sessions might be a good idea. I know I sometimes need time to sort out how I'm feeling after a session. Some times it takes a day or so to settle, sometimes longer. It depends how much time I've given myself to be by myself and let stuff set. Sounds like it was a really good session. HUGS Kit

__________________
Dum Spiro Spero
IC XC NIKA
SlumberKitty is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight
 
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, LonesomeTonight
Anonymous55498
Guest
Anonymous55498 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feb 14, 2019 at 02:33 PM
  #57
I find this whole authority figure thing very interesting because it is so different from how I relate to people. I really like to get feedback from people I respect in many different areas but, for me, that does not put them in roles of authority, more just advisors. Same for a T that I would respect.

May I ask you about it, LT? Is seeing all these people (and groups) as authority something that you like and benefit from? If yes, what are the benefits? Or is it more something that just happens in your mind emotionally and can even get in the way?
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
Anne2.0
Grand Magnate
Anne2.0 elephant walks on
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
Posts: 3,132
10 yr Member
129 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 14, 2019 at 03:28 PM
  #58
I share Kit's perspective that it's great you found it helpful to share your sessions on here. I'm also glad that consulting with the other T was good for you.

I love Xynesthesia's question, if you feel like answering it. I run towards the side of irreverent when dealing with people in authority, and some who have tried to assert it over me when I was younger and less experienced in my field used to tell me I wasn't "deferential" enough. I approach medical people as those with "authority" in the knowledge sense-- I'm doing some physical therapy on my hand right now, and the young young therapist cracks me up and I'll follow her advice.

I don't really have a boss unless you consider the people I work with my bosses on gigs, which isn't really accurate. If I am in a courtroom the judge is an actual authority figure, in the sense that you have to do what he says. And he has the power to throw people in jail for defying him.

But even when I was doing my graduate thesis, I didn't relate to my grad advisor-- now a confidante and friend in my life-- as an authority. He was objectively wise about certain things and gave great feedback; technically he controlled whether or not I'd receive a degree but that didn't create a power imbalance. Maybe with my early history with abuse-of-power male authority figures, working with reasonable people and developing positive relationships was easy.

It is interesting to me where seeing someone as an authority figure comes from, and whether it's connected to your personal sense and zone of power. Not trying to pressure you to reply, just stating my interest in the subject area.
Anne2.0 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 14, 2019 at 03:58 PM
  #59
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xynesthesia View Post
I find this whole authority figure thing very interesting because it is so different from how I relate to people. I really like to get feedback from people I respect in many different areas but, for me, that does not put them in roles of authority, more just advisors. Same for a T that I would respect.

May I ask you about it, LT? Is seeing all these people (and groups) as authority something that you like and benefit from? If yes, what are the benefits? Or is it more something that just happens in your mind emotionally and can even get in the way?

Oh it's definitely not something I like or benefit from. I mean...maybe there are slight benefits at times. I think it's something that comes from my mom, maybe? I was thinking about it a bit on the way home from session today, and I feel at times, I ascribe someone "authority figure" status because I feel inferior to them in some way. This makes sense in the case of, say, a teacher/professor, because they do have greater knowledge about a subject than me. But in the case of a friend (or, I suppose, a coworker on a similar level to me), I don't think it's such a good dynamic. I forgot to include how T said it seems at times I'm...I forget what word he used--deferential maybe?--to certain people, like walking on eggshells, trying to please them, and he doesn't want that for me. Because then I can't be myself.
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SlumberKitty
 
Thanks for this!
Anne2.0
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 14, 2019 at 04:18 PM
  #60
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
I share Kit's perspective that it's great you found it helpful to share your sessions on here. I'm also glad that consulting with the other T was good for you.

I love Xynesthesia's question, if you feel like answering it. I run towards the side of irreverent when dealing with people in authority, and some who have tried to assert it over me when I was younger and less experienced in my field used to tell me I wasn't "deferential" enough. I approach medical people as those with "authority" in the knowledge sense-- I'm doing some physical therapy on my hand right now, and the young young therapist cracks me up and I'll follow her advice.

I don't really have a boss unless you consider the people I work with my bosses on gigs, which isn't really accurate. If I am in a courtroom the judge is an actual authority figure, in the sense that you have to do what he says. And he has the power to throw people in jail for defying him.

But even when I was doing my graduate thesis, I didn't relate to my grad advisor-- now a confidante and friend in my life-- as an authority. He was objectively wise about certain things and gave great feedback; technically he controlled whether or not I'd receive a degree but that didn't create a power imbalance. Maybe with my early history with abuse-of-power male authority figures, working with reasonable people and developing positive relationships was easy.

It is interesting to me where seeing someone as an authority figure comes from, and whether it's connected to your personal sense and zone of power. Not trying to pressure you to reply, just stating my interest in the subject area.

Funny, I replied including the term "deferential" before seeing your reply. I find this authority figure conversation rather fascinating. I'm going to have to think about it more (it was one of my plans during T's break). I think for me it's somehow tied into my wanting to please people. Like T talked about last session how it seems I seek praise from people I see as authority figures. I said partly that, but also how rejection or...lack of approval? affected me even more, but maybe those are kind of the same. He said it made sense that the latter bothered me more. I think it was partly that I found, say, doing well in school (which I was good at) got me approval and praise. So I got used to getting that, then if I didn't do well at something in school, college, or, later, work, it was really hard for me. It ties into my perfectionism in some ways, too. And fear of rejection and abandonment. Etc.
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:49 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.