Flawed Person & Parts

Hi All,

At base because of early abandonment I believe I'm fatally flawed. All my parts share this; have a seam of this running through them - I can't even say tainting the rest because it just is.

But today I was thinking: I did something good yesterday work related. I was impressive and applauded by my peers. Forgive me but actually admitting this is pretty huge for me.

My T asked how it went. I said 'ok'. She asked how I felt. I said I felt nothing. It had gone. It was over. No sense of achievement or pride. I'd expected it would be 'ok'. It was 'ok'
Nb she didn't know about this before hand. Only due to my dress that she asked where I'd been. It wasn't a big deal to talk to her about.

Anyway the thinking part Ive been doing was that what I did was not flawed - if I respect the views of my colleagues which I do. And also the objective bit of me can see they are not flanneling me.

Also what I did was due to innate qualities within me as well as others I'd developed. But no maladaptive skills factored in e.g. perfection, overwork, fear of failure etc.

Readers won't recall but I've had a **** two weeks after my doc ceased treating and seeing me. Work has not been done. Life has rarely been done! This was done soooo last minute there was no time for perfectionism and overwork.

And it wasn't perfect. But it was fine. And I did it anyway. I was fine with doing something that was just fine, that i'd chosen to do and that had little real profit in it for me career wise.

It was fine and that was due to my intelligence, insight, charm, speaking skills, intuition etc - things innate or developed by me not linked to the bloody abandonment trauma, the sense I'm flawed, unlovable, unworthy, a failure, done something wrong to be treated that way.

Anyway the proper thinking part is that I've a part in me that does this, is this. I've got parts that reflect the **** things why not ones that reflect the good things?

I wondered if I was just manufacturing her - not sure parts work works like that - but it was more that she was like yes! Finally! You found me. I can get up. I can awake. I can be. Like she's always been there; I've just not seen her. The others welcomed her to the family. Were very happy she was there.

We will see what happens. A bit of me is like crikey not another one to mediate between....😩😂

But I think mostly I'm excited because if I can get agreement to get her to lead on the work things, and her decisions be operative or causative when appropriate even if eg the 10 yr old is flashing back, then that aspect of my life can be easier. I can be visible. Confident. Present. Resilient. Secure in my views and not overly bothered to be 'liked' or want to avoid conflict or be insecure.

Work doesn't care if you, or bits of you are flawed, only that you produce the goods (not talking about close colleagues)

Early days. We'll see!

I'm guessing you do a lot of "parts" work in your therapy? Or are you DID? Sorry, I don't remember.

Glad your work thing went so well. That's a nice feeling.

My therapist is pyschodynamic psychoanalysis and doesn't label or diagnose or lead. So we don't actually positively do any parts work. She has intermittently focused on memory issues, dissociation but is mixed in that she sometimes refers to them separately, or as me or as her/you. So who knows. Which sometimes pisses me off. In fact it pisses me off. I'll have to tell her.

Even where my words, body language etc changes in therapy depending on which is talking. Am like t keep up with whose talking.

My doc said I wasn't DID and it was a creative way to deal with trauma manifestations.

My personal belief is that it's a continuum that I'm somewhere on. But I believe in treating the symptoms not a diagnosis. Mainly cause this is the nhs, there are few services and most docs aren't trauma informed - there is little point to a referral and diagnosis. I'm also afraid I'll get a diagnosis of BPD - which is used here, generally, as a block to any treatment at all.

Sorry for long reply ! Trying to keep awake cause scared of tomorrow.

I went to my new doc and she asked me 4 times in a 10 min meeting whether I wanted to up my ADs. That's all most of the nhs does for one. Meds.

Hey, nice work! And good on you for being able to see that you really did do this and it wasn't fatally flawed or anything like that. You really do have those abilities within you!

Thank you for this post and the beautiful way you shared your insight and change here. Really happy for you. I especially love this part, and the idea of "waking up" to find some of the best of who you are really speaks to me.

suggestion: share this post with your T or otherwise let her know of your finding.

Parts seems like a common reaction to trauma, and I agree with you there is a continuum. Good for figuring this out so early? in your therapy.

Likewise, I have also found it helpful for all parts to express themselves. My T is psychoanalytic too, and we have done a lot of work integrating all the parts.

I'm not sure what you were looking for in this thread but hope your session went well.