Wishing your T knew the non-therapy you

Do you ever wish your T knew more about the non-therapy parts of your life?

Sometimes I think it’s so strange that the person who knows all my trauma and deepest feelings actually barely knows anything about me. For example, he doesn’t know what music I like, favorite foods, favorite shows, my sense of humor, etc. Basically all those things that any friend of mine would know right away. Sometimes I wish he knew that part of me also.
It’s random stuff too, like I want him to know about the funny thing my dog did that day, or how I met my husband, or that I tripped up the stairs. Lol.

What do you wish your T knew about you?

Mine knows tons about me... and it was great but looking ahead with other T's, I hate the idea of them knowing anything. Even the intake questions make me very uncomfortable now. I think they lose objectivity once they know a client. I don't want that anymore.

I don't have anything T knew about me other than how I truly felt about him... but more or less I had things I wish he could do with me

My therapists and I chatted a great deal about music, books, hobbies, etc. For me, that's just all part of establishing a rapport. We shared goofy stories about completely un-therapy-related parts of our lives. My favorite story my therapist shared about himself was going out to the creek with his grandson fishing and ending up slipping in the mud and falling into the creek (complete with a reenactment. LOL!) Sometimes you just gotta laugh. We were always sharing our dog stories. And he finally got me to sing for him (so did my pdoc now that I think about it); they were really supportive of my music interests.

I had a couple therapists (briefly) who were like talking to a fence post. They were impersonal and very blank-slate. Not my cup of tea . . . thus "briefly."

My T knows absolutely everything about me for a couple reasons -

a) I've known him for 16 years as a friend, prof, priest, and T
b) I tell him absolutely everything in therapy and through email and text...there's nothing we don't talk about, and I always text him jokes and memes and stuff. We both have a really good sense of humour, and we share that.
c) He gets to see "student" me at school. He jokes that the last $5 of my session fee goes towards observation fees in class. I told him to stop watching me and I'll just pay him $5 less lol.

I share these things with my T. For a while I did wish that she saw my "work" side. Then one day, I brought in my project and shared it with her. We've talked about stuff (science, math, software) that brings out my strongest selves so she gets to see the non-messed up parts too. It's my hour, we get to spend it however I want. Granted I'm sure that if we didn't do therapeutic stuff around it, she'd probably start to do something about it.

No. The woman was not worthy of those parts of me. I was not there to chat with her or play with her or make her feel all warm and fuzzy about herself. I hired her for a specific reason and that is all she got to see. Real people in my life are different than a therapist. I preferred to keep the woman as other.

I wish my T knew what my kids and my cousin looked like since I talk about them all the time. He asked one day if my H was blonde because I mentioned a dream I had and I almost burst out laughing.
I also wish he knew how much I love to mess around with those same people, like how I interact with my kids and such. Maybe to get a glimpse of me when I feel a little happy.

Oh I often wish this a lot. I often fantasise about sharing other parts of my life with him but the therapy hour is only big enough for the therapy parts of me and I rarely have the time or energy to share other parts of myself in therapy.

The thing I probably feel most acutely is the place I know our interests overlap - our professional interests. Sometimes we do talk about them a bit; sometimes it feels good, sometimes it feels weird for one or both of us. We talk about the weirdness (then it becomes therapy again).

Other things I wish I could share with him include music, random poetry, radio comedy, political ideas, general philosophical ideas and so on. When I think of those things I often imagine discussing them with him.

You can share those things with them.

I have shared all of that in session. It helps me connect to him in between all the tears.

She knows pretty much everything about me. I bring everything to session.
I also have a mood disorder so not all my sessions are heavy. Sometimes I talk about all the mundane nonsense of my days. I often quote and reference movies, books, and music, so she has a solid idea of my tastes.

I would not have said this that long ago, but I feel it now. I am a whole person, in the sense that there is no me in one place and another me in another. I'm not divided into the non-therapy and the therapy me.

For me the need to be seen and heard in and out of therapy is important. Not with everyone equally and at all times. But certainly in therapy, and I wonder how feeling seen and heard can be happening if the T does not know or experience the non-therapy you?

I've brought various photos of people in my life, and shown them to T. My T knows what music I love, and a lot of other things about the non-t me. Also, we have a lot of mutual friends, so we sometimes see each other at events.

OP

You can always share those things if you want, I am a big fan of "light" moments in therapy, so it's not all deep and emotionally draining, go for it

My therapist knows the non therapy me very well.
She has been to work with me a couple times.
She has been to my house several times.
She knows what I pack for lunch, my favorite songs and television shows, hobbies, names of my friends, names of my family. She has seen dozens of photographs. We have been to lunch together many times and just chatted and had fun to have some down time inbetween intense sessions.

There have been times I wanted him to see the competent adult not-curled-up-in-a-ball-on-his-floor version of me.

It would be kind of nice to have him see me being good at something in my area of expertise or acting in a more of a leadership role. He does a good job of making it clear that he's aware that those other parts exist though, bringing them up or pointing them or even when I don't, or expressing confidence in my knowledge and competence in my work and those other roles.

He knows some of my sense of humor because it occasionally comes out in session, and there are playful moments. He knows how I am as a mentor because we've talked about the differences between how I'd interact with them vs how I talk to myself. He knows a bit about how I interact with my friends because it's been context for other things I've told him. He knows what my values are and the general approach I take in my interactions with others. There are still a few things that surprise him, but I think he has a pretty good idea of who I am outside of therapy, even if he doesn't know all the details and specifics. He knows the parts that are important to me.

It amazes me that so many people say their Ts know this kind of stuff about them! I really want to bring those parts of me into therapy sometimes, but it’s like I just don’t know how? I don’t feel like there’d be a natural segue into it, and it feels weird to just be like “hey let me tell you this random thing about me that has nothing to do with what we’re talking about right now simply because I want you to know more about me.” I feel like he’d wonder why I want him to know that stuff if it’s not what I’m in therapy for.

This is pretty much EXACTLY how I feel! There’s so much ***** that I really need therapy for that I don’t want to waste the hour on other stuff. But yet somehow that stuff feels important too, although I can’t get myself to go there.

It’s not as if we never joke or have lighter moments, it definitely happens at times and he’s nowhere near a blank slate, but I guess we just don’t really go in-depth with the non-therapy stuff.

I really relate to your post because our professional lives are where my T and I overlap as well, since I am an intern conducting therapy with my own clients. I think he gets excited sometimes to talk about theories or other more “textbook” therapy stuff lol.

Summer

Just ask if you can take 5 minutes a the end to talk about other things, then say something like "Oh I tried this new food the other day" or "I saw this cool movie" or "There's this book I wanna read" etc and go from there. It can become a routine and still give you most of the hour (or however long you get) to discuss other things.

I feel like my T knows a lot of the types of things you mention, too. Definitely my sense of humor because that comes out in session--I'll often joke about things when I'm nervous (well, and when I'm not). And I've mentioned concerts I was going to and song lyrics, though sometimes I think about playing a song for him in session, just so he can have more of a sense of the kind of music I'm into (he's not into music and quite clueless about it), and he knows I'm a vegetarian, what sports teams I root for (and what sports I don't care/know anything about), etc. I guess for me those sorts of things just come up naturally through the course of therapy, plus we'll sometimes have small talk at the beginning or end (definitely at the end, while I'm paying him).

However, I have thought before that I'd like him to see me out in the world acting competently rather than sitting there crying. That he could see me in a good parenting moment. If he could see me at a professional event (I work from home, so that would be pretty boring for him to see!) And I've mentioned showing him photos, like of my family (think I showed him my D once), and asked if he thought that would be helpful to him, and he said no. I may still suggest that... I've mentioned my H's height (he's tall, unlike T!) and that he's of Irish heritage and a bearded redhead, but never shown a photo. Part of me wants to see a pic from my wedding day, where I looked really polished (thanks, makeup artist and hairdresser!) and happy. Or maybe just any photo where I look really happy. Hm...

ETA: In some ways, it would also be interesting for him to see my Facebook, to see how I present myself to the world in that way. (Or possibly some of my posts on here...) Or I've thought that it would be interesting if I was out to dinner with, say, my parents, and he was sitting at a nearby table, observing the interactions. Because it would be interesting to have a therapist's view of how those go.