Analysing self confidence

For those who've struggled with self confidence but managed to improve it, what helped you? This could be something you learned in therapy or outside of therapy. I'm talking about self confidence rather than self esteem - - I actually quite like myself, I just don't feel capable of doing things.

My confidence has been knocked quite a lot, but my life has been really good for about five years now. And yet I still find myself too scared to do certain things. I'm scared to take risks because I feel like more aggressive people will just take over, the world doesn't want what I offer, and that my capacity to learn is nil.

Has anyone felt like this before? Looking for ideas, thoughts, discussion. Thanks.

For me, it's just a bit of cheerleading that helped.
Even though I'm currently feeling "stuck" in my grief and depression.... there was a time in my therapy journey when my confidence was better.

Just gaining my T's trust, learning to be comfortable with him, and getting to know the ways he would react to things, helped me to be that way. One of my confidence things with him was becoming assertive. I'm typically not with people but it came quite easily with him, in fact, he pointed it out because I wasn't even aware of it.

One of the things we worked on was trying to build my confidence so I could get back into dog training teaching and he was my "student"... it was hard and awkward at first but it got easier. We would make it funny and joke around and he would take a genuine interest in it and ask me a lot of things and give good feedback.

I truly believed at that point, he believed in me, and that made all the difference in being able to do those things. I suppose for some the support and cheerleader type thing can be helpful

The other thing I've constantly heard and read online is fake it until you make it. Never tried it myself but it might be worth it. Also I've heard mindfulness can help with this, maybe someone here who has done mindfulness could weigh in?

Been there, done that, didnÂ’t get the t-shirt.

Lack of self confidence feeds depression and depression feeds lack of self confidence. An important thing to regaining self-confidence is baby steps. I noticed things you had confidence doing; tieing my shoes, taking and shower, get dressed. From there, I could notice confence in tasks like cooking eggs, driving a car, fixing stuff around the house. As I noticed the confidence with the little stuff, it opened me up to notice more confidence in more difficult tasks.

Another important thing was not to deny when someone shows confidence in me. A better answer is a gracious acceptance and not denial. I went from, "You donÂ’t mean that," or "I donÂ’t believe that," to, "Thank you," or "I'm glad you noticed that. It means a lot to me." In other words, I accepted someone else's confidence in me to build my own self confidence.

Finding/creating areas in my life (both personal and professional) where my natural interests and abilities can shine and be productive. Or even creating quite unique and novel areas/approaches altogether as I very much have a pioneer spirit. Having success with these repeatedly and fairly consistently to a point where I no longer have substantial anxiety and self-doubt. Getting positive feedback from people I respect and am compatible with. Good collaborations and communities. It really is a learned process - I am also someone who has decent self-esteem but confidence is more something that is based on evidence and success for me, simply having a good relationship with my "self" won't cut it alone. Also, not having really basic life problems, like on the level of survival, having enough security in my life so that I can focus a great deal of my energies on what truly inspires me and is meaningful to me.

Knowing that a good portion of anxiety and fear is merely a physiological condition that will always have fluctuations. Try not to project my generalized anxiety into external things so that I will perceive them overly frightening and impossible challenges.

Perhaps it is also useful to consider what sorts of things are the most effective confidence killers. For me: self-destructive behaviors, avoiding and/or destroying the very things that are the most meaningful to me. I have been there big time as well in a few ways and it is very important to remember that I might always have some of that risk. Remain mindful and focus on constructive, productive, positive experiences.

I think a healthy dose of realism helps, too. Taking on way too much or having unrealistic expectations can be potent confidence killers as well.

I also very much agree that severe and chronic depression is usually a strong current against confidence. So get the depression treated as much as possible, whether it is self-care alone or involves professional help.

I personally did not gain much from therapy in this area, much more from fulfilling, productive everyday relationships.

Sobriety helped me become a better person and helping others naturally rubs off on you.

I think there are multiple pieces to this place and moving forward may require addressing all of them. There's the idea of not taking risks because of fear, which requires working with fear directly, addressing it and being willing to do things anyway despite fear. I wrote in another thread about Pema Chodron and the Buddhist philosophy of "feel the fear and do it anyway." For me it was fairly revolutionary to realize that I could feel afraid and still take a risk. There are numerous other books, a lot of them self-help, that express this same idea. There are specific tools (Mel Robbins has some that have been helpful to me, you can you-tube her talks, including a TED talk) but I think if you're ready to release yourself from the hold fear has on you and you do the prep work of thinking through the risk and addressing the real risk (which usually isn't "I'll die if I'm rejected as the head of the PTA cookie committee" -- I'm not try to be flippant about your fears here), any "tool" will work. So some of what you're talking about is empowering yourself to move beyond fears and reach out.

The other buddhist philosophy that has helped me in times of fear is to work on "seeing things as they are." What evidence is there that, for example, you can't learn? And what evidence do you have that you can in fact learn?

I work in an arena where it's very hard to determine whether your work "matters" in a tangible way because there are many factors outside the quality of my work that determine the outcome. When I first started in this field a couple of decades ago, I was either buoyed by a positive outcome (claiming credit where it may not have been all about me) or irrationally blaming of myself for failure where even something that might have been 100% brilliant couldn't have resulted in a good outcome.

So I started defining "success" as something different than an outcome that happened in a minute over years of work. I made myself see things as they are, and the different ways I knew that my work made a positive difference, in an individual or within a very chews-people-up system and the stoniness of the people that worked within it. I started accepting positive feedback and really hearing it. There are things that "count" for me now as success that didn't use to. I have opened up my world to see the good that I do and have done, and I think that same openness has increased my self confidence.

If you tell yourself things that are not true right now, especially about yourself, then those beliefs will limit your choices and stall your risk taking. And of course reduce your confidence in yourself, and then that creates this dynamic where you don't take risks to "prove" that you can do and be more. Endless circle, and probably an example of a self fulfilling prophesy.

Increasing your self confidence also creates a projection of self confidence in others, and IME people like self confidence. It's easier to work with people who are not steeping in self doubt, or need help in figuring things out even though they do not actually need it. I like being around people when I collaborate who understand their part of the project and can take what I give them and run with it. Who don't ask me to do their job for them or prop them up while they do it. Self confidence also feels very different than arrogance, which I run into from time to time.

I also think that self confidence increases the possibility that the risk taking will work out positively, and it makes it easier to bear when it doesn't. Just like success isn't always due to you, neither is failure.

I read something the other day and I can't recall where, but the person said something about how they are now able to make choices about what they do based on their "core." That really speaks to me in this context, because I think self confidence is very much a core of who we are, and when I was able to make some changes to improve it, I have felt like my choices were more coming from my "core" rather than the periphery of myself, like my fears. It feels good.

I agree with Anne about “feel the fear and do it anyway.” I never found therapy to be any help with this— in fact, therapy made it much worse. Just recently, I was struggling a bit with anxiety related to teaching. I have simply never felt very confident with public speaking or being the center of attention. It has never come easily to me. All therapy did was make me obsess about it and over-analyze it. I also tried medicating it. Finally, about a month ago, I just decided “**** it.” I decided to just do it and not worry about it. Just decide I’m going to go in there with bravado and own it. Even if I didn’t feel cofident, I would simply act like I was and let it roll off my back. I don’t exactly know why or how, but it’s like my anxiety and fear were instantly gone. Feeling so relaxed about it has increased my self-confidence and prompted me to take bigger risks in other areas too. I’ve been going out more, meeting new people, walking into events alone and chatting up strangers, etc. I think deciding that I don’t care what people think really helped. Just be myself, act confident, take a risk— and then I start really feeling that way. Everyone talks about how it is this long process, but for me, it really was like a switch flipped overnight.

I very much agree with Anne and scorpiosis in "do it anyway". It's a lot like motivation (something else I periodically struggle with) - if we wait for it to arrive before we start acting constructively, it is quite likely that we'll be stuck for a long time and just become more anxious due to not accomplishing the things that we would like and plan to. Fear, of course, exists for a good protective reason but it is really not that well-regulated by the brain and by the complex interactions between the self and environment. It is useful to understand where our specific fears come from but analyzing it endlessly and putting things on hold before we figure out how to potentially cope with it better is a very sterile endeavor in my experience that mostly leads to lost opportunities and regrets.

I think dealing with anxiety and fear benefits well from a healthy dose of conscious dissociation - meaning recognizing but ignoring the emotions and focusing on the action and executing what needs to be done (or we would like to do), no matter the feelings. I more often than not find that confidence (and motivation) very effectively arrives on the go, while we are already engaged in the act, and it gets further reinforced by the good feelings coming from overcoming the initial blocks, avoidance, hesitation. I think confidence really needs reinforcement (positive experience) and that cannot be acquired by sitting in a room and merely reflecting and analyzing.

Before I ever got into formal, paid therapy, I had a few years of association with someone who used to be T before retirement. I met him originally in an online peer support community but then we developed a relationship that was somewhere between friendship and mentorship (a type of relationship I have a long history of very positive experiences with). He taught me (or, more precisely, demonstrated by his own example) things like how not to be bogged down by analysis paralysis, how to focus on action when it is necessary rather than thoughts and feelings, how to use anger as a powerful positive motivational force, and a few other extremely useful life skills. Initially, I decided to try therapy inspired by his influence on me, hoping to maybe find similar in formal therapy (as he was an ex-T), but it never happened. What did happen though is me picking up the strategies and even emotional attitude from him and integrating it into mine gradually but very naturally and almost effortlessly. That guy and myself had a lot in common in personality and life experience, so recognizing the helpful coping strategies and adapting them was pretty easy, especially after some success with it. I could, in principle, imagine finding the same in a therapist that I hire, but it just has not happened in spite of looking at/interviewing many. I think it would be hard though because what was so useful is seeing how that guy managed his own life, less so analyzing my own life with him. So much easier to scan my normal social environment and spot new people who inspire me in similar way. There are actually quite a lot, often I don't even need to know them personally and interact directly, they can be authors, public figures, or just ordinary people I see around me.

Thank you all for so many thought-provoking replies to my conundrum! X

I've just found out I'm pregnant (after a miscarriage, a year of therapy for the miscarriage, and 2.5 years of trying), and I suddenly find my confidence plunging. I'm worried about not being able to handle a) a baby b) another miscarriage c) reduced finances d) setting up my business (because I'm a talentless hack and because I can't afford to not bring in money) e) driving my kid around (I have a driving phobia). I'm all over the place. I'm shocked I'm pregnant - - I'd really come to a point where I'd assumed the effect of my shortcomings would be limited to me and my husband. And now that there's the potential it could hurt an innocent kid, I'm shitting bricks.

I'm also quite confused as to why I feel this way, because the first time I was pregnant I felt more confident than I ever had in my entire life.

I don't feel like I have any role models in this area - my mom was and is a walking cloud of worry and unnecessary stress, and while I've shucked off a lot of the anxiety thanks to my down-to-earth husband, it still plays a big role in my life. None of my close friends have children and there are no children in my family either.

I guess one good thing is that I'll be facing fear no matter what - this pregnancy ends in a birth or a miscarriage.

Sorry, just rambling now. I did read your thoughts and found a lot of it insightful - I'm just having trouble incorporating them to my own life for some reason.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I miscarried my first pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy baby on my second. I think miscarriage messes with your head and your self confidence at some *core* level, and now might be about the most difficult time to try to work on these issues. I think it would be enough to get through every day without falling apart in anxiety or giving up having any sense of mastery over your body or your life.

Pregnancy after miscarriage is, in my experience, very de-stabilizing. It just brought me to my knees, made me feel about as competent as an idiot (well, until I had the baby, and those things tend to generate feelings of incompetency as well).

You have a lot on your plate. It sounds like you could use some more support.

I keep a notebook of daunting tasks that I want or need to accomplish. Feels good to check them off. Maybe I can do these things after all and a record to prove it

Thank you, 'destabilizing' is exactly the right word. I think it's also coupled with the fear that if this one goes south I may never be a mother -- I'm now 35, and I clearly have fertility issues. I'm just trying to take it day by day and keep to my normal routine as much as possible. Thank you for the reminder that it can work out, and the chances are it will work out rather than not. I'm sorry you had to go through this as well, but I'm glad you gave birth to a healthy boy.

The only people who know about the pregnancy are my best friend and husband. I was private about my last pregnancy too, and only told people about it after I miscarried. Most people were pretty unsympathetic, and my midwife abandoned me and left me to deal with a horrific miscarriage -- literally couldn't walk for three days after, nearly blacked out from the level of pain.

Luckily I had the support of a great bereavement midwife. When I found out I was pregnant again I called HER, and she arranged an early scan for this pregnancy and found another midwife for me, otherwise I'd be seeing the same one, and there was no way that was going to happen. The scan went well. The sonographer said everything looked fine so far and we could see the heart beating.

Maybe I should just dip into this forum for support. I'm trying to deal with this by myself, which maybe is putting too much on myself.

Anyways, thanks for letting me blather on. It's nice to talk about the hard side of this. My best friend is great but she's romanticising this pregnancy to the extreme, and it's starting to grate. I find it baffling, given she's had two miscarriages and has never given birth to a live child. She's a painter, and she literally won't stop talking about how I want the nursery painted, which is so, so, so far from where I am right now.

I was 38 when I had the boy. In the U.S. they call you (usually not to your face, but my OB's student let it slip) a "geriatric maternity patient."

Everyone I know who has miscarried first and then been pregnant again defines it as its own breed of difficult. You are welcome to PM me if you like.

Congrats! My mother gave birth to me when she was 40, after a long ordeal with miscarriages, medical procedures and almost losing hope altogether. I think I did not turn out too bad, in terms of physical health definitely lucky so far - at almost 45 I've never had any major medical illnesses in spite of lots of self-destructive behaviors when I was younger. Being born after those struggles for my parents had the added benefit that they adored me to the best of their ability and gave me lots of freedom to become what I naturally wanted to.

I also have a good friend who has multiple sclerosis and had a gruesome journey with lost and abnormal pregnancies until she finally had two(!) so far completely healthy children in her late 30's/early 40's, with fertility treatment. They are now one of the happiest families I have known.

I think time helps. For instance, I was a very insecure teenager but then who isn't at that age? The older I get, the less ****s I give. I don't care so much about people liking me and frankly it's impossible: as a woman the moment you open your mouth you'll get criticized so who cares. I say what I want to say (not at work though, I still need to pay my bills) and go on with my life. If people don't like it, meh. I also have found that trying new things can improve your self-confidence: a new hobby that you discover you're good at, a new sport, etc. Even things that scare you where you think "I'll never be able to do that" you still do it and you find out "hey it wasn't so bad after all!" can improve your self-confidence because then it's like "I'm unstoppable!"