kind of a breakthrough: loneliness

I’ve always known this and have, in subtle ways, shared this with T - not clearly and explicitly though. 1) because I’m embarrassed that I feel this way and 2) I’ve never found the right words to express it. Below explains my intense feelings of emotions at night. It has made what I’m feeling much clearer to me and something I could use to help me express all of this to my T, who, as she also focuses on loss and grief, knows and understands a little about how I am experiencing it. Not loss by death, but loss from having to leave and move away from a couple of people I felt some attachment to. These are the thoughts that break me every night - I’m grieving the loss of these people and seeking people who can meet my needs like they did, but this isn’t happening, so instead I have been isolating myself from everyone around me and intensifying this feeling of loneliness. It’s been 10 years:

Loneliness is dependent on what a person “needs and desires” and this measure is personal and varies drastically from one individual to the next. Based on this definition we see that prototypical characterizations of “loneliness” are misguided. Individual loneliness is defined by what a person wants in contrast to what they have. So whether a person has 100 great family and friends, if they long for something or someone they don’t have –like an intimate partner, a friend they can open up to, a group of people who “get them”, a family, etc – they are liable to feel lonely.
“Something or someone they don’t have….”

For me, it’s having a friend I can open to, feel understood, who can comfort me etc, as I had before.
If any of you have shared this in therapy and are working on it, I would appreciate you sharing here or via PM, how it’s going. I need to share this with T and she wants to hear it. But I’m finding it so darn hard. How can i do it? It'll make me so vulnerable in front of someone, which i fear.

10yrs is a long time to remain stuck in the loss of others to that degree.
I had to think to myself whether it was ever like that for me. And I think it was. But the difference was, I'd find someone new to take hostage.
It's only after getting what I needed in therapy that my feelings of loss when I lose people are at normal levels. Meaning my life isn't on hold for 10yrs.
Im able to move through it.
This is a time thing. Time in therapy. If the T is up to it of course.
Just keep chewing at different things in therapy and eventually you find the core.

I wish I had some stellar advice for you, but all I can say is that there is something about loneliness that defies articulating it for me, and that is quite unusual. I remember mentioning it in session a few months ago, and my T asked me this question, "What does loneliness feel like to you, how does it go for you?" Or something like that, and I was pretty much stumped. Whether I couldn't confront it or just couldn't wrap myself around it and how I felt, I'm not sure.

But I lost my spouse a few years ago, and although I could now just start to say in answer to "something or someone they don't have" that it is a new partner or even a date that I would like to have, that's pretty much all I have.

I think I can understand something about loneliness from the times when I didn't feel lonely, and that is when I had a tight group of friends when I was in graduate school. We celebrated holidays together, hung out together, were a support and comfort through challenging times both professional and personal, and I really miss having a tribe.

When my spouse was sick, I had a different sort of tribe, a collection of people from different places and with different connections to me and my spouse, who I could ask for anything and they'd do it for me. Some of it was online with a blog where I shared the generally horrible happenings and much of it was in person. It was lovely and I don't think I'd have gotten through it without them.

I'm not sure if a tribe is necessary for me now, though I do find myself desiring to spend time with people who care about the same social justice issues I do. I am working on being part of a community group or two and working on reconnecting with friends around me. I have some good, longterm ones.

The only thing I do have some advice on is how to move forward when you are afraid. There are some ideas you can explore and some work you can do to help you "feel the fear and do it anyway." Check out Pema Chodron's books, if buddhist philosophies appeal to you. Otherwise doing some pre-work in therapy about accepting your fears and learning that fear is often not as big a risk at some times rather than others, and that it is possible to do things even when afraid of them. Fear is just a feeling, not a demand or a driving force in one's life. For me the definition of empowerment is doing something I'm afraid of. Fear is no longer my dictator.

"What does loneliness feel like to you, how does it go for you?" - I would imagine my T would ask a question like that if I were to share my feelings of loneliness. I should probably have a response ready. I would also say it is like someone I don't have.. maybe I’d start with that.
More important is asking you how you are doing now? Is the feeling of loneliness just as intense? If not, how has another human, such as your T, helped reduce/manage those feelings?