Being brave about therapist exploitation

Topiarysurvivor, I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have been through a similar situation. I was with my therapist for about a year before I ended up living with her. Although it felt wonderful at the time, it soon became an emotional prison with no way out. It is easily the single most devastating thing I've ever been through as an adult. I went to therapy with significant issues from childhood. I ended up emotionally annihilated through that process.

I think "being lured into..." already implies that it was something negative and the person did not have the capacity to realistically assess the costs and benefits.

I have never had that experience with Ts and certainly would not support that, but did with teachers in my youth, including one story when I was still a minor. They were good relationships, some of the best relationships in my young years, in fact. Much better than what I had with peers in my age group at the time. No hardship or negative consequences and there was no hierarchy implied or imposed at all, we were equals in spite of how they started. I also know a few couples who originally met as student-teacher and they have okay relationships, at least not more troubled than the average who meet in socially more appropriate contexts.

I know a couple (we are close friends and do a lot of things together) who originally meet as T-client. I don't know the whole story and details of their relationship dynamic but, from all I can see, they seem like a pretty well-adjusted, reasonably satisfied couple. Their relationship and interactions look a bit better to me (an outsider) than the average couple perhaps. They have been together >10 years and have psychology/psychiatry-related work collaborations as well because both are in the mental health field (how I know them also). The guy was the T in the past but he no longer practices as such, they mostly do research, teaching and the woman is a practicing psychiatrist. I think they do not advertise to most people how they met but don't make huge efforts to hide it either, I first heard in a small private group conversation.

I do believe that probably most of these stories do not end very well but I think we should not make universal statements either - there are so many individual factors and histories that play into it. I do think it tends to be kinda set to failure if one person goes into a relationship with serious unhealed wounds, starts idealizing the new partner, expects them to be their savior, and the other implants that role indeed. It is not good for any adult relationship IMO and certainly the T-client can exacerbate the issues.

I think it happens more than most of us think because at the end of the day, its 2 human beings, things happen. It's why I have no problems with relationships forming AFTER therapy ends and the required wait time (if there is one) has passed, sometimes it can and does work, if they are happy... then great. That's all that matters in my book.

*Even though this specific case ended in divorce, I mean MANY couples end in divorce, not just "T" related ones... it's sad but happens every day with all types of people*

I do feel, based on my personal experience, that some of us do go into therapy relationships and DO NOT have the capacity to realistically assess the costs and benefits.

Not everybody, but some of us. I DID have that capacity in other business and medical relationships - but not therapy. For reasons I could propose but that may not be the point.

If you HAVE the capacity then I can understand how you might not understand what it is like for those of us who DON'T. And it even may be that it's not a permanent condition, we may be able to develop that capacity later. BUT -- at that time, that's the way things were for me, and I still feel the profession does a lousy job of NOT taking that kind of thing into account.

So, I feel exploited and - this is maybe what is the trauma -- betrayed. Devastating, as I have said before. Scary is hardly the word. That betrayal devastated me, at the time, and what I was depending on in the world. It won't happen again, I won't let it happen again, but 20 years of mostly continuous therapy, and 35 years of therapy on and off before then -- has been a very high, extraordinarily high, I think, price to pay for that.

I continue to believe that psychologists in their role of trying to understand human beings should be able to understand this possibility about people who come to their door. And to use that knowledge to help the client develop the capacity they lack, to overcome an excess idealism or wishful thinking about therapy, or whatever it may be. Before 55 years, and lots of time and money -- and wasted life -- have passed.

Some may say that's an unrealistic expectation on my part, I know now that they either don't have or don't use that kind of knowledge, but it's one the profession puts out about itself to the world and one I think the society in general expects of them.

It may also be the case that not all people who get into a sexual relationship with their therapist lack the capacity to realistically assess the costs and benefits, but in my experience, when I DID lack that kind of capacity, with regard to going to therapy in general, I didn't know it. Couldn't see it. Part of the mental health condition I went into therapy with. Which in my view was exploited and abused.

I did not dismiss that many people do not have that capacity (although I don't personally like to emphasize that very much as it sounds a bit degrading) or meant to suggest that the experience and truth of many people who suffered due to the structure of therapy and T exploitation is not very real. I also did not say that I do not understand - I think this is pretty easy to understand even without first hand experience and vulnerability. I only posted to say that it does not apply to every single person/client since, I thought, OP was looking for views and examples. No one needs to take it personally if it is not relevant.

It sounded dismissive to me, perhaps because the topic does tend to sound degrading and hence is talked around a bit. So, not dismissive of the person, necessarily, but avoidant (in the sense of niceness) of something about a person? And the two get conflated or something. . . never mind that (unless you want to explore it more?). . .

For me, that's what needed to be faced -- the lack of capacity. Which I may very well not have looked at much either, because it felt -- well, like I was lacking! Which led to. . .a bunch of (scary? and humiliating?) stuff I don't understand well, and I'm not sure is well understood period. If it IS well understood, then I would really appreciate somebody telling me about it.

I think I had to develop SOME of that capacity before I could stare at the reality of the lack -- although I had some inklings, which I tried to pay attention to, before I could -- begin to get my head around it?

So, I did want to explore and even emphasize the lack of capacity. I think it's a useful topic to explore, and glad you mentioned it. In my experience it's some of what led me to being "lured into" therapy and continuing for so long. Hence, perhaps may be related to the OP and the feeling of aloneness when those "relationshps" fail.

Lack of capacity may not be a very "relational" topic, one which one discusses when one is wanting primarily to maintain a relationship with someone, but IS a realistic one, I think. And hence can be explored in that vein? May even be important to explore in that vein, IMO.

Guys I am struggling her and please be patient with me. I mean no disrespect. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around how a relationship with one's therapist could ever be a good idea- at least without some serious time between when therapy ended and when a relationship could occur. I am struggling with how it cant be some sort of..taking advantage of or manipulating of a client. As vunerable as one gets in therapy and as life changing (good or bad) therapy can be it just seems so...inappropriate(?) to be involved with a therapist as a client or vice versa. Help me to understand it better because I am a very compassionate person with empathy but its hard for me not to be I guess- angry with a therapist that does this? Not angry with the person involved nor victim blaming or judging someone's choices I really do want to understand it better.

I would say simply because everyone is different. We all view the world differently. What one may see as manipulating another may not.

After a certain amount of time (years) pass, I would guess it gives both parties time to grow and assess tjings. It's not terribly common but I wouldn't say rare either. Sometimes it happens that way. It's two people after all. For some the transition to "regular " relationship is much easier. Any relationship can have issues.

I am completely ok with these types of relationships after a certain time has passes and if both are adults and consent to going forward. If they are happy, who am I to judge?

Sarah, I doubt anyone believes it is a good idea per se, probably more that some people engage because they feel a strong and persistent desire and the opportunity is open. Many people don’t perceive a strong risk with it at the time when they first engage, then it snowballs and goes in all sorts of wrong ways. Then realize it was a bad idea in retrospect, when the harm is done and it’s often very difficult to get out and get over it. For others, it is not all that different from other relationships, perhaps because they had never become so vulnerable and in therapy in the first place and/or just don’t have the personal background to relate to a T much differently from other people.

I also think people get traumatized by different things and also react differently what is indeed traumatic to them.

Just for therapy exploiting my people-pleasing and dependency needs, is one way I could put it -- I was well defended (dissociated?) from the vulnerability that it sounds like you understand about yourself.

It's the lack of awarenesses that people may go into therapy with that can make us, unconsciously, vulnerable to being "lured in" as the OP put it, IMO.

That therapists can do it anyway is well -- it's against their code of ethics. At least there's that to try to protect people who may be vulnerable, whether they know it or not. But, again IMO, I don't think that's enough.

I disagree that therapy instantly makes clients vulnerable. There are tons of reasons people go to therapy

Then again i also don't think therapy equals power imbalance. So that's fine and understandable that some see it that way or feel it but I know I'm not alone in this. It truly does come down to each person

Everyone will experience things differently.

I think the problem is that some clients may not know they are vulnerable. And then, with the therapists, some may not know -- and some may know and exploit anyway.

So, because of the nature of therapy, digging into people's emotions sometimes, unlike other relationships, and with the therapist having a particular professional task, usually, to help the client with their emotions-- I don't think it is just a matter of people are different, even though of course they are, and each individual situation is different. I think the 2 year guideline is there for a reason, and the therapist has a responsibility to abide by it, or else be very, very careful about the risks to the client, and be held accountable if the client gets hurt.

Absolutely. I agree

I don't support it for current clients even though there is probably rare cases where client wouldn't feel harmed

I definitely agree with 2 yrs rule for that reason. Some places it's even 5

You are absolutely correct. The relationship with one's therapist can never be a good idea. This should be a no brainer, and the reason why many people don't see it that way is because they want to live in the self-created fantasy rather than the reality because it's just easier that way for them. You are also absolutely right to be angry with a therapist who does that. So, there is nothing to explain here. What you say is simple common sense. I, for once, am done with having debates with anyone about it. Either the person gets it or they don't. And if they don't, most likely, they never will and it's none of my business. I am not wasting my energy on debating them.

I am definitely happy to explore my tendencies for avoidance/dismissiveness, so thanks for the feedback, HT. But, I think, it would be too specific for and a distraction from this thread topic, especially given that I seem to be in the minority with my experiences and views regarding this area, at least here on PC.

My personal issue with this whole topic is that there have been so many threads about it, and the sharing/venting is good, but there hasn't been much productive progress in these discussions, at least the way I see it. There is the part that a few people mentioned earlier, that they don't feel comfortable going into more depth/detail, which is perfectly okay. But then also many of the stories people discuss are quite far past, with no possibility to change the outcome (at least in practical terms and regarding the actual old T-client relationships) anymore. So what's left is very personal processing/healing I guess and making different choices later in life.

I do think that a lack of capacity to assess the costs (dangers) and benefits of T-client relationships is a good topic to explore if anyone is willing - that might be an interesting new turn to the discussions, instead of going in circles about the limitations and abuse Ts are capable of (I don't think anyone doubts that). Unfortunately, I can't be the person to expand that discussion as I did not have significant relevant experiences. I think this is a topic that can also be discussed in the larger context of how to choose mates better and how to improve our realistic judgments at early stages of whatever interpersonal relationship we engage in, but I am not sure people want to go that broad here? In any case, I feel that if PC wants to make these types of threads more satisfying, it would be good to move a few steps further either with more in-depth investigations of the specific client's (those that were harmed) side and/or exploring possible solutions. I originally started posting on threads about therapist exploitation because/when I was really pissed at my first ex-T. For me that is over but I am interested in the topic just out of curiosity as well and to potentially understand the variety of human experiences better. The best would be finding potential prevention strategies though, or at least solutions that do help people to overcome the adverse effects.

I feel there is truth in this.

I think there's a difference between being in a vulnerable position and being a vulnerable person who can't say no and is powerless to some degree

Walking through a dark alley at night you are in a vulnerable position so to speak but you also might have a black belt in karate If a guy was to grab you.

You aren't necessarily a vulnerable person as such.

I have fears about the safety too- but realized I am feeling past the point that someone’s failure to understand could retraumatize - I think!

We never married, but called each other “partners”. I find it hard to process the everyday events and finding language to describe what happened to me.

Thanks so much for sharing this. I went into therapy for help leaving an abusive marriage. I have so much confusion about what happened.