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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 01:49 AM
  #1
Is it possible that both the therapist and the patient do the right thing, are neither of them seriously crazy, yet the therapeutic relationship fails?

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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 01:56 AM
  #2
I think so, if there's a personality mismatch.
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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 03:57 AM
  #3
Well then it wouldnt be the right thing because it didnt work.

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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 07:45 AM
  #4
Yeah. For example when the therapist and client just aren't compatible.
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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 07:47 AM
  #5
Of course, just like any relationship. I think some relationships get so broken, like a shattered vase on the floor, that the sheer effort of thinking about repairing it is too overwhelming, or you just have to acknowledge it is so broken that all you can do is acknowledge the pieces on the floor. I'm not sure the word "failure" hits the right place for this in the context of therapy.

I do wonder in therapy, though, what the definition of failure is. Or what all the possibilities are. Because I'm not sure that a decision by one or both parties that there is nothing to be worked on is a failure as opposed to the therapy has gone as far as it possibly can. Perhaps the client needs to move forward with someone else or maybe they are done with therapy, "fixed" or not.

In the case of a rupture that couldn't be repaired, I think I would ask myself the question of whether I had done everything I could to be open to the future of a relationship. For me the key would be openness, in the sense that I would ask myself if I were willing to be open to discussion without borders, to accept that the rupture happened and it wasn't completely repairable. If I still had a desire or a curiosity to see what the relationship might be like despite a sort of psychological trap door I didn't want to fall through (something that feels like a big risk to me), I would be willing to try to continue. But choosing not to continue a therapeutic relationship is not a failure to me, to the client at least. I'm not sure if I would label it as the therapist's or therapy's failure either. I don't think the paradigm of failure necessarily applies in therapy at all, even when success does.
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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 02:56 PM
  #6
I think so sometimes.. If they are not compatible.

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Default Feb 09, 2019 at 03:30 PM
  #7
I imagine it's like any other kind of relationship in that regard. Sometimes it's just not right.

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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 12:28 AM
  #8
I'd say so if we talk about personal relationships when people are, sometimes, made of such different materials that it's incompatible.

I don't see therapy failure as a relationship failure. If the therapist is not a good match, that should be obvious from the beginning and you just wouldn't stay with them. But if the work went on for some time and there was progress and then the progress stopped, then, to me, it means that the therapist came to their natural limitations and it's time to close this chapter and to move on to something different.

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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 01:08 AM
  #9
incompatible relationships always fail no matter how much you want to succeed
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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 01:15 AM
  #10
I once had a t I thought I was “compatable enough” with. But the difference between what I needed and what he was willing to do was too great of a chasm. Therapy failed in that case
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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 01:46 AM
  #11
I think the fallacy is there in the statement of the problem - that there IS a "right" thing. You didnt say "right things" plural, it was singular. There is no singular right thing. That kind of thinking will kill any relationship, or thread...
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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 03:13 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
I think the fallacy is there in the statement of the problem - that there IS a "right" thing. You didnt say "right things" plural, it was singular. There is no singular right thing. That kind of thinking will kill any relationship, or thread...
There could be a “right thing” for oneself vs a “right thing” for the therapist. Those two things could be at odds
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Red face Feb 10, 2019 at 12:09 PM
  #13
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There could be a “right thing” for oneself vs a “right thing” for the therapist. Those two things could be at odds
Im saying, the concept of knowing or claiming there EXISTS a right thing is faulty to begin with. Its saying, "you must", not "can we?" It doesnt look for a compromise.
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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 12:21 PM
  #14
The therapist is not always in a we situation. And I believe in clients knowing the right thing for themselves

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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 01:22 PM
  #15
I had a T I worked with for 4 years and HATED her. I was giving what little I had and getting nowhere. She was giving 110% of what she had and even took extra trainings and things to try and make it work. Eventually we terminated and I started working with someone else. Then sold T and I started running into eachother at church. We had known we both attended the same church but it was big enough we never ran into eachother. She has been an amaizing mentor and friend for over 20 years now! Last time we were together we were talking about old times... and I realized and shared with her... that if we could magically go back to her old office (she had since retired) I would still hate her and mistrust her as much as ever. I just could not connect with her as a therapist... even though she means the world to me years later as a friend. And, yes, we both agree that it is strange but neither of us did anything wrong.

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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 03:36 PM
  #16
I think there are two ways of looking at "right."

Doing things the right/correct vs wrong/incorrect way, with a right way necessarily creating a contrasting wrong way is one way to frame people doing the right thing.

And there's two people doing the best they can with what they've got, neither doing anything wrong, but it's just not a fit. Like trying to put together pieces from two different puzzles. There's nothing inherently wrong with either puzzle piece. They are each right for their puzzle, but just don't fit together.

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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 10:51 PM
  #17
Quote:
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I think the fallacy is there in the statement of the problem - that there IS a "right" thing. You didnt say "right things" plural, it was singular. There is no singular right thing. That kind of thinking will kill any relationship, or thread...
Is that hostility I can smell?

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Default Feb 10, 2019 at 11:11 PM
  #18
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Is that hostility I can smell?
Not at all! Its just the idea of "right" going up in smoke!

Eta - thats the ts job, to teach us to stop saying "i know im right, do it my way" to your partner. I.e., to stop being an ahole. Unfortunately, to do it, THEY kinda hafta be an ahole... JK!
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Default Feb 11, 2019 at 12:24 AM
  #19
I don't see that as being the job of the therapist. I suppose someone might hire a therapist for that, but certainly it is not universal

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Default Feb 11, 2019 at 12:27 AM
  #20
Yeah, i was speaking more in the context of the presenting question of the thread?
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