Marriage counselor question

My husband and I each have our own individual therapists that we see (mine is psychodynamic and his is DBT) but I’d like for us to see a marriage counselor together. Is that usually a totally separate therapist or is it sometimes the same therapist that you see individually? I’m assuming it should be someone different, right?

Well... I don't know the answer to this. I would presume it would be someone different. The potential for conflicts in using one of your individual therapists would, to my way of thinking, boggle the mind. Here are links to 5 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject though:

Couples and Marriage Counseling

7 Reasons to Seek Marriage Counseling

5 Times Couples Counseling Could Be the Best Option

Answer These 5 Questions Before Heading to Couples Counseling

6 Common Obstacles in Couples Therapy

I'd suggest a separate therapist. Try to find someone with training in marriage counseling, too. Like ask them what theories or methods they use. I wish I'd done that with ex-MC, as it seemed he just sort of tried to adapt psychodynamic counseling to marriage counseling. While my current T apparently has training in a few different methods of marriage counseling and would be more structured about it (same with ex-T).

My husband and I saw the same therapist individually (first for many months) as well as having joint sessions as a couple later on (and a few sessions as a family). We chose that arrangement specifically as less complicated for all involved. My therapist is trained in marriage and family counseling, so the marriage sessions were a natural offshoot of our individual therapy when we saw the need later into our own individual therapies. Confidentiality was never an issue. In fact, he was quite direct and thorough in explaining information to us in that regard.

That said, I am fairly certain not all therapists are equipped to a) handle marriage counseling, or b) handle marriage counseling with individual clients they see. Many of them simply won't and I completely understand their stance on that issue. In some licensing board situations, it may not even be allowed or at least considered an ethical issue (not sure on that). It was not an issue for my therapist due to his licensing.

In your case, OP, it would seem to make most sense to see a 3rd therapist so that you are on neutral territory.

Our case worked because we were on equal territory with the same therapist we were both quite used to. Neither one of us went into couple's therapy feeling like the therapist was going to be on the other person's side because he knew him/her better. Having a few marriage sessions seemed completely natural and was extremely helpful, but he knew us both intimately and had an amazing way of making our marriage sessions truly about us as a unit (individual was kept out of those sessions). Did I say my therapist was highly skilled at compartmentalizing effectively? LOL.

I haven't wanted/needed couples counseling yet, but I know my T would refer me to somebody else for that, even though couples counseling is one of her specialities. I want/need her to be on my side and see things from my perspective, so doing couples counseling with her would have a detrimental effect on my individual therapy anyway.

I think a separate therapist would be the easiest. HUGS Kit

Are there certain theories I should look for or do you mean just make sure they can answer the question so it’s clear they aren’t winging it? I actually just made an appointment with a woman who is both a psychoanalyst and a LMFT. I picked her because her webpage looked good and she had a separate page for marriage counseling. I made the appointment for next week when my T is on vacation. I know my T’s website also says he does couples counseling, but I haven’t mentioned it to him yet since I assume it would be a conflict of interest for him to see me individually and me as part of a couple.

I think mainly just for them to be able to answer the question. My T lists the following in the couples counseling part of his website (and has actually used an Imago exercise with me individually):
Emotionally focused couples therapy
Imago
Gottman Couples Therapy

Structural Family Therapy
I'm sure there are plenty others. I know ex-T has referenced Imago stuff before, too--some of it has to do with how your childhood affects your marriage, like unmet needs from childhood surfacing in your marriage and other stuff.

It should be someone different. I know people feel strongly about this and many people get angry at the suggestion that a marriage counselor should not be any partner's individual therapist, but if this rule is not upheld, things often get messy and, sometimes, outright unethical.

First and foremost, in many states, therapists are prohibited by the ethical code from seeing the same client in individual and in couple's therapy. In my state for sure. Unfortunately, this prohibition gets habitually broken by many therapists. This creates a horrible situation when a therapist puts themselves in a position of having to do with divided loyalties and two contradictory roles they have to play, because many times the agenda of the couple's therapy clashes with the agenda of the individual therapy. This often leads to situations when a therapist keeps secrets about something they learn in individual therapy with one partner from another partner in couple's therapy, which creates a therapist's secret agenda for the couple's therapy that the other partner knows nothing about, which is completely unethical. Pretty soon it becomes a HUGE mess, to say the least, created by the blurred boundaries.

Couple's therapy has its own parameters that have to be safeguarded by the strong boundaries. Otherwise, it would do more harm than good. One of the parameters is that a couple is treated as a one unit. A couple is a client, not two individuals. And so each partner's individual therapy should be kept separately.