Mixed emotions about this line

Me: I often try to avoid being a difficult one, but somehow I’ve managed to be exactly that. I’ll try harder to do better.

T: I don’t think you’re difficult, I think you’re in pain. And I want to help you, that’s why I’m here.

(Instantly regretted what I said. I understand I shouldn’t feel this way. My T clearly doesn’t want me too either)

Anyway, mixed emotions because it feels good she understands that my difficulty with expressing myself has a lot to do with pain. That line hit me hard.

However, the ‘I want to help you’, though a generally nice thing to hear, happens to be a little troubling to me. A stable human is here to help, to try to save, an unstable human who can’t help herself.
Odd feeling to have when the reality is that I am asking for help from another human by engaging in therapy! 😑 But something about this sentence just doesn’t sit right with me. Probs an ego thing...
Any other way I may be able to view her response?

Thinking about it now, she may have said the help part because my comment may have somewhat implied that I feel she may begin to not want to deal with my s*** anymore? 🤷🏻

But also:

‘Surely it is the nature of “the relationship” (Oliver Burkeman’s quote of Michael Balint) that is the crux. That of analyst and patient – helper and helped – is one of power and, with power all on one side, will never work. Feelings of powerlessness, and often actual powerlessness, as a constant – as is often the case in one-to-one relationships – are the root of much mental distress.’

Though T has never intentionally made me feel this way.

Sounds like you are thinking through your reaction.

I was very sensitive to feeling like I was being treated as fragile. I know now it was because I had truly perceived myself as "broken" for most of my life.

What I learned was that my therapists (my good ones) didn't see me as broken at all; that was my belief actually. The work was in getting that old mistaken belief processed through (where did it come from; how was it playing out in my life, etc.) so that it was no longer a belief in my present.

I don't think, she implied that she was a stable human being helping the unstable human being. I think, this is your own idea you are projecting on her. I would take her words at their face value and accept that she simply thinks you are in pain, exactly as she said, which is not the same as thinking that you are unstable.

That said, I agree with you on the inherent problem of the "relationship" where one is powerful and the other one is powerless. This condition, which is an organic part of therapy, especially psychoanalysis, is a problem in and of itself because it perpetuates the very cause of mental suffering, which is a sense of powerlessness. That is why I don't believe that radical healing can take place in the context of this type of relationship. If this service was provided as occasional professional consultations in which a provider would simply give their professional opinion on a client's problems instead of doing a long term marathon of regular meetings for many years, this power imbalance would not exist. But that is a separate discussion that, I know, will be quite controversial and emotionally triggering for many people.

I read a few of your posts from a thread you opened years ago on the topic of power imbalance, as well as the questioning of emotional intimacy in therapy when mutual sharing is non-existent. Controversial topic for sure but the unfortunate reality in most cases nonetheless.