I just sent a termination email

LonesomeTonight · Feb 15, 2019 at 10:17 AM

I'm not sure I see this as trying one last time to get a response from your T--to me it just seems like you're done. I doubt getting an invoice would really *count* as an email response to you. I mean, if he emails saying, "I really hope you won't terminate, please come in and let's talk this through," that would be a response. I can also understand wanting to terminate over email and not in person. If you know you definitely want to terminate and aren't going to change your mind, then what's the point of paying for another session? Or if you're afraid he's going to convince you to stay, and you are just ready to leave.

I hope he believes you. I think if you refrain from sending him anything else, especially since he's out of the office, then he should see it as final. If he thinks you're using it as an excuse to get an email reply, I imagine he might just send you the invoice. And possibly say something like, "I received your termination email, here is your final invoice." and possibly something about your being welcome to return if you wish in the future.

stopdog · Feb 15, 2019 at 10:21 AM

Not getting a response in the form of invoice would seem even better to me. The therapist not sending an invoice is hardly going to hurt the client. I would block the guy's email if was me. Takes the concern out of one day opening up your email and finding something - that I believe would be highly unsatisfying- there.

feileacan · Feb 15, 2019 at 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I can also understand wanting to terminate over email and not in person. If you know you definitely want to terminate and aren't going to change your mind, then what's the point of paying for another session? Or if you're afraid he's going to convince you to stay, and you are just ready to leave.

I'm totally not convinced that the OP wants to terminate. How come that the wish to terminate comes so suddenly before the T's vacation? If the wish to terminate would be clear then surely it would have been possible to talk about during the previous session? It would have been possible to tell the T why they don't want to continue anymore and mutually agree that this is the last session.

Also, if the person has decided to terminate then the T really can't convince anyone to stay. Ok, maybe "anyone" is not correct - maybe there are people who would find difficult to leave, even if they wanted to. But the OP does not seem like one of those people. They have repeated many times that they are very independent person and my guess is that if they really thought that this treatment is totally useless then it would be very difficult for any T to convince them otherwise.

I'm just very interested to see what comes out of it. Even it the OP indeed terminates (even if only accidentally because the T does not let themselves to be manipulated and the OP cannot swallow their pride in order to go back) I think the whole treatment has not been useless - the total independence barriers have been broken and it's not possible to establish them again to the same state they were before starting that therapy.

stopdog · Feb 15, 2019 at 10:29 AM

Don't let the therapist be in control. I would not go back to this one. There are plenty of therapists in the sea. Find one who works the way you want if therapy is something you think will help you.
I believe in quitting by email or letter or phone message. I don't believe in paying them to tell them I am quitting. I had no need to discuss it. It was not up for voting. I decided when to be done with those people and simply did it.

sarahsweets · Feb 15, 2019 at 01:13 PM

I am glad you explained it this way. I guess my confusion lies in emailing at all...written word is never as good as a phone call or session. Its very hard to become independent and practice skills you are presumably learning in therapy if you can email whenever you want. Personally if I was the therapist I wouldn't allow emails or texts for anything other than scheduling. And if email was allowed to be sent by the client I would set up an auto reply and not respond until we next talked.

Quote:

Originally Posted by feileacan

I realise that people here (including you) might not like my opinion but to me it seems that you are trying to manipulate him. If you would really want to terminate then you would have no problem doing that in session face to face and it would not be dependent on whether the T responds to the email or not.

In reality you are trying to control him. Instead of using what he is offering you, you are trying to move him to a place where he would do what you want him to do - respond to emails. Unfortunately, the treatment won't happen over emails and the only things that matter are the things that are happening in the session.

I know that many people here exchange emails with their T's and I have emailed to my T as well. But there are differences between email and email. Whereas with one person allowing emails might be necessary and useful, with another one it can be detrimental and not helpful to the treatment (even if sending the emails and receiving responses would feel good). In the end, the goal of the T is to help you and it is his professional judgement whether he thinks emailing is good for your treatment or not.

I think it also makes sense to point out that the T is not trying to control you. He is not forbidding you to email if that's what you want to do. It's totally up to you whether you decide to email him or not. But you want to control him and make him respond to you, even when he feels that it's not helpful.

I'm not saying that terminating would be wrong in this case. After all you and only you can decide whether you are ready and willing to face those things in yourself that the treatment draws out. It hasn't been said anywhere that everyone should even want to face these things and work to understand them. The fact is that you cannot run and hide from yourself forever but maybe it is easier for now. Wether the T will or will not respond to emails is not the point at all.

feileacan · Feb 15, 2019 at 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I am glad you explained it this way. I guess my confusion lies in emailing at all...written word is never as good as a phone call or session. Its very hard to become independent and practice skills you are presumably learning in therapy if you can email whenever you want. Personally if I was the therapist I wouldn't allow emails or texts for anything other than scheduling. And if email was allowed to be sent by the client I would set up an auto reply and not respond until we next talked.

I guess I would not frame it in such a blanket statement. I think with some people allowing emails (at least allowing them to send them) is just necessary, otherwise these people would not be able to tolerate the treatment at all or engage it in any useful way.

Sure, a therapist can decide to not use email for anything else than scheduling. That just means that they are not suitable therapist for some populations. I suppose that's fine.

JaneTennison1 · Feb 15, 2019 at 01:27 PM

If it's over, then it's over. I dont see the point of a goodbye session except if the client feels they need closure and if op doesnt then that is their call.

SlumberKitty · Feb 15, 2019 at 01:35 PM

I used to believe that a termination session was necessary until I terminated with a T over the last Summer. The termination session was the worst session out of the four that we had. I was definitely left nonplussed. If I had it to do over, I'd totally just quit via text. Save me some money and forget that crap.

LonesomeTonight · Feb 15, 2019 at 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I used to believe that a termination session was necessary until I terminated with a T over the last Summer. The termination session was the worst session out of the four that we had. I was definitely left nonplussed. If I had it to do over, I'd totally just quit via text. Save me some money and forget that crap.

With both ex-T and ex-MC, I basically terminated at the end of my last session with them. With ex-T, I didn't necessarily intend to terminate permanently, but I just told her at the end of a session that I was taking a break and seeing a different T for a bit saying that I'd either come back regularly or at least do a termination session. I never went back, realizing if I did a termination session, it would be for her, not me. With ex-MC, I'd been debating termination for a few months, then in the last couple minutes of the session, I said I felt we needed to terminate (I'd discussed it with H before). I imagine we could have come back for a formal termination session, but didn't see the point.

Current T said that true "termination sessions" are fairly rare in his experience, that often a client will come in, then at the end of the session just say, "OK, so this was my last session." Or they'll cancel and not reschedule.

SalingerEsme · Feb 15, 2019 at 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feileacan

I realise that people here (including you) might not like my opinion but to me it seems that you are trying to manipulate him.

That is a big accusation to someone you never met.

I expect the OP is, as T's are fond of saying, the expert on herself.

Echos Myron redux · Feb 15, 2019 at 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

That is a big accusation to someone you never met.

I expect the OP is, as T's are fond of saying, the expert on herself.

feileacan · Feb 15, 2019 at 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

That is a big accusation to someone you never met.

I expect the OP is, as T's are fond of saying, the expert on herself.

I see no point in taking sentences out of their contexts. I wrote a long post to explain my thinking but you just take one sentence out of it in order to completely distort the meaning of everything I wrote. Way to go!

Feb 15, 2019 at 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I just sent my therapist a formal, civilized termination email. I think I just got tired of the ambivalence and decided there wasn’t clear benefit to me any longer despite giving it 17 months. He’s on vacation next week and maybe it was triggered by that. I had asked towards the end of our session 2 weeks ago if he’d still read my emails while on vacation (he reads them but decided to no longer send replies a couple of months ago) and asked if he’d consider sending a brief response since I wouldn’t see him for 2 weeks. He said no (he said it nicely, but it was no). Of course I understand that it’s his choice and he’s allowed to respond any way that feels right to him. But his decision not to ever reply feels rigid and it was a decision made without having a conversation with me first and it was done abruptly after responding to my emails for over a year.

I am self-sufficient, independent and have had quite a bit of experience with important people in my life not responding to my requests and I just don’t understand why my therapist thought it was important for me to experience that in our therapy relationship. I clearly keep asking for something that he is not able to give, so it seemed best to put an end to the pattern. I also told him he was kind, patient and empathetic and thanked him for that. I told him it was a tough decision for me and that I will feel a loss for some period of time. I asked him to send my bill to my home and said I’d send a check.

I’m not sure if this was the right way to end things, but I did feel some urgency to end things now and not wait until the next time I see him. I hope I’m not running away from something good. I feel a mix of relief and loss. I suppose he will never send a response which saddens me, but it’s also something I’m used to from him.

Another lifes experience. We can't know what's right or wrong until we do it.

Feb 15, 2019 at 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

That is a big accusation to someone you never met.

I expect the OP is, as T's are fond of saying, the expert on herself.

All of us here are making observations over others we have never met to be fair.

I would be surprised if there wasn't an element of calling his bluff/manipulation in this decision.

But I also believe the other reasons too. The OP had had enough and part of her wants to move on. It seems to me to be a mixed bag of feelings. Complex. As it usually is with humans

Lrad123 · Feb 15, 2019 at 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Sometimes tone is hard to figure out in posts, and I just want to be clear that I'm not being sarcastic or whatever in admiring your creativity in finding new ways to email and the expectations of a "response."

Lol. Is that what I’m doing? I hadn’t thought of it that way, but it could be the case. I guarantee that in my real life, I’m far from being the manipulative flake that I must appear to be on this forum. But this therapy relationship has been utterly confusing to me since day one. I’ve never been so ambivalent about anything in my entire life. After thinking about going to therapy for an entire year, I finally took the plunge, and then for an entire 17 months I have been simultaneously both terrified and profoundly drawn to my therapist. It’s been a confusing and exhausting experience and I fully admit that in this particular relationship I have no idea what I want.

Also, well-intentioned responses are always welcome whether they are sarcastic or not, and whether I agree with them or not. FWIW, I asked my T to send my final invoice via snail mail and not email, so for that particular matter, I wasn’t trying to get an email out of him. Who knows what crazy tricks my unconscious is playing on me though.

06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Lol. Is that what I’m doing? I hadn’t thought of it that way, but it could be the case. I guarantee that in my real life, I’m far from being the manipulative flake that I must appear to be on this forum. But this therapy relationship has been utterly confusing to me since day one. I’ve never been so ambivalent about anything in my entire life. After thinking about going to therapy for an entire year, I finally took the plunge, and then for an entire 17 months I have been simultaneously both terrified and profoundly drawn to my therapist. It’s been a confusing and exhausting experience and I fully admit that in this particular relationship I have no idea what I want.

Also, well-intentioned responses are always welcome whether they are sarcastic or not, and whether I agree with them or not. FWIW, I asked my T to send my final invoice via snail mail and not email, so for that particular matter, I wasn’t trying to get an email out of him. Who knows what crazy tricks my unconscious is playing on me though.

It is great that you are open to people's suggestions and not just defensive.

Your post resonates with some of my own experience and my thought is....

What does him responding to your emails mean to you? I think you need to look beyond the surface and ask yourself what am I really needing/wanting here?

stopdog · Feb 15, 2019 at 05:51 PM

I think one should find a therapist that operates in the way one wishes. There are lots of them out there and it is possible to find those who will respond. It is also possible that therapy is just not the thing for right now.

Lrad123 · Feb 15, 2019 at 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Client xx

What does him responding to your emails mean to you? I think you need to look beyond the surface and ask yourself what am I really/wanting here?

I honestly have no idea why I get spontaneous intense emotions around the email responses. Like I’ve said repeatedly in many of my posts, I have managed to be very independent in my real life so it sort of freaks me out that it keeps coming back to this. I can actually go for long periods of time not caring about it and then, BAM, I terminate with him and use that as the excuse. Obviously it’s not completely just about the emails. Maybe it’s more about the unilateral decision by my T to retract email responses without even a discussion with me. I felt like I was treated like a misbehaving kid (I never misbehaved as a kid, btw). I feel like he encouraged me to be vulnerable, which I did via email. I know it was probably awkward and not very graceful, but I tried even though it was hard and new and unnatural and completely weird for me, and then when I did, he took email replies away. I guess that felt shameful. It was like he was telling me to be vulnerable, but then when I did, he was thinking, “not like that!” Now, I just feel like he thinks he has me pegged as being undeserving of email responses and there’s nothing I can do to change his mind. I will be the “misbehaving kid” in his mind forever, and I wasn’t trying to do that.

Ok well, thanks for asking the question, I guess. Maybe by replying to your question I might have a little better understanding. I’m open to anyone else’s interpretations because apparently I’m pretty slow at figuring these things out.

Lrad123 · Feb 15, 2019 at 06:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think one should find a therapist that operates in the way one wishes. There are lots of them out there and it is possible to find those who will respond. It is also possible that therapy is just not the thing for right now.

Yeah, you make a ridiculous amount of sense, but it feels more complicated than that. I’m quite good at being sensible and logical and doing the “right” thing, but for me, therapy has been about trying to understand what I don’t understand and maybe giving into something that feels weird and different and scary. At this point in my life, that’s what I’m drawn to, for better or for worse. It might end up driving me crazy though.

Feb 15, 2019 at 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I honestly have no idea why I get spontaneous intense emotions around the email responses. Like I’ve said repeatedly in many of my posts, I have managed to be very independent in my real life so it sort of freaks me out that it keeps coming back to this. I can actually go for long periods of time not caring about it and then, BAM, I terminate with him and use that as the excuse. Obviously it’s not completely just about the emails. Maybe it’s more about the unilateral decision by my T to retract email responses without even a discussion with me. I felt like I was treated like a misbehaving kid (I never misbehaved as a kid, btw). I feel like he encouraged me to be vulnerable, which I did via email. I know it was probably awkward and not very graceful, but I tried even though it was hard and new and unnatural and completely weird for me, and then when I did, he took email replies away. I guess that felt shameful. It was like he was telling me to be vulnerable, but then when I did, he was thinking, “not like that!” Now, I just feel like he thinks he has me pegged as being undeserving of email responses and there’s nothing I can do to change his mind. I will be the “misbehaving kid” in his mind forever, and I wasn’t trying to do that.

Ok well, thanks for asking the question, I guess. Maybe by replying to your question I might have a little better understanding. I’m open to anyone else’s interpretations because apparently I’m pretty slow at figuring these things out.

I know for myself I can have a switch.... Either on or off. Really needy or don't need at all. Extremes.

Perhaps you are finding a bit of that here? You are now swinging further to the otherside.

Somewhere in between would be ideal but easier said than done!

Instead off just ripping 'the pacifier away', it should be an on going discussion. How do you feel? How does he feel?

Finding out these answers surrounding the emails could be extremely telling.

Merely taking it away is probably not helpful in therapy

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JaneTennison1 Magnate Member Since Aug 2014 Location: US Posts: 2,202 9 121 hugs given	Feb 15, 2019 at 01:27 PM #27 If it's over, then it's over. I dont see the point of a goodbye session except if the client feels they need closure and if op doesnt then that is their call.
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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Feb 15, 2019 at 01:35 PM #28 I used to believe that a termination session was necessary until I terminated with a T over the last Summer. The termination session was the worst session out of the four that we had. I was definitely left nonplussed. If I had it to do over, I'd totally just quit via text. Save me some money and forget that crap. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA
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