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Lrad123
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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 06:29 PM
  #1
I just sent my therapist a formal, civilized termination email. I think I just got tired of the ambivalence and decided there wasn’t clear benefit to me any longer despite giving it 17 months. He’s on vacation next week and maybe it was triggered by that. I had asked towards the end of our session 2 weeks ago if he’d still read my emails while on vacation (he reads them but decided to no longer send replies a couple of months ago) and asked if he’d consider sending a brief response since I wouldn’t see him for 2 weeks. He said no (he said it nicely, but it was no). Of course I understand that it’s his choice and he’s allowed to respond any way that feels right to him. But his decision not to ever reply feels rigid and it was a decision made without having a conversation with me first and it was done abruptly after responding to my emails for over a year.

I am self-sufficient, independent and have had quite a bit of experience with important people in my life not responding to my requests and I just don’t understand why my therapist thought it was important for me to experience that in our therapy relationship. I clearly keep asking for something that he is not able to give, so it seemed best to put an end to the pattern. I also told him he was kind, patient and empathetic and thanked him for that. I told him it was a tough decision for me and that I will feel a loss for some period of time. I asked him to send my bill to my home and said I’d send a check.

I’m not sure if this was the right way to end things, but I did feel some urgency to end things now and not wait until the next time I see him. I hope I’m not running away from something good. I feel a mix of relief and loss. I suppose he will never send a response which saddens me, but it’s also something I’m used to from him.
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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 06:39 PM
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Sending hugs...
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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 06:41 PM
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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 07:05 PM
  #4
I am glad you are doing what is best for you. Personally I never agree on emailing or texting..I believe communication should be on the phone or in session. But its real ****** to respond to you all this time and then not.

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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 07:20 PM
  #5
Good for you. I think taking back your power like this was a good thing.

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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 07:35 PM
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Hugs (if you want them)
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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 08:11 PM
  #7
That must have been hard, but you have every right to decide that this is a dealbreaker for you and then act on that decision.
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 03:10 AM
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I'm sorry you're hurting so much.
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 03:41 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lrad123 View Post
I suppose he will never send a response...
and if he does send you a response to this email, i want to be the first one to call BS on his boundary rule

sarcasm aside, good for you for standing up for yourself and for what you feel is important to you! ex-T did something similar, where he suddenly change a boundary without pre-discussing it, and the rupture it caused definilty lowered my trust and changed my perception of him. the relationship was never the same after and it did have a detrimental effect on my therapy and the relationship with him. it too was one of the many reasons why i decided that i wanted to work on getting myself un-attached to him so i could end therapy and get myself out of that 'relationship' with the least amount of hurt and damage to myself.

all my best to you
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 04:11 AM
  #10
Lrad, I just want to extend my good wishes to you. I think it's a hard thing to leave a relationship that's otherwise good but not meeting your needs.

If it helps, I left an extremely good therapist after a year because he was too rigid for me in places where I needed him to bend. Six months on I'm glad I had the courage to end it and not just hope it would get better. It was the right decision.

Recognising your needs, recognising what doesn't work anymore, giving yourself more opportunity to find what is right, and taking the wheel are all things to be applauded.

I think therapists sometimes need a reality check that they've been HIRED by someone to do a job, and that will involve negotiation and check-ins and discussions on what's working and what's not. You can only go so far with someone who gives blanket nos.
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 05:05 AM
  #11
To me you are brave because I a can not be as brave as you.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 06:47 AM
  #12
Thanks to everyone for your supportive responses. I’m not sure how the ending goes, but I suppose he’ll just send an invoice like I asked. He typically does invoices on the first of the month, so I guess I’ll receive it by March 3rd and I assume I’ll feel sad when I get it. I don’t know if he’ll ever respond to my termination email. He’s blank slate-ish so maybe not. In any case, he’s gone now and won’t be back for a week and a half and I know he wouldn’t respond while on vacation or his day off or weekends. He’s consistent like that. Curious if he’ll ever respond though. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 06:55 AM
  #13
This was very brave of you. I don't think that unilateral decision was fair, and beyond the issue of email itself, is the plain statement of authority on his part, on who makes the rules and the reminder it is him not you.I think StopDog is right about taking your power back. It would be different if he had never allowed email.

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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 08:55 AM
  #14
I assume he’ll believe me, right? Many months ago I sent an “I quit” email that was more about venting and he said he interpreted it that way. This one was much more clear and not emotional. I gave clear instructions to send me the invoice. I assume he’ll have to believe me, right? I guess I’ll have to wait to find out.
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 09:03 AM
  #15
He might not believe you at first, but if you don't contact him further or schedule any more appointments he'll get the message.

Are you thinking about finding a new therapist?
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 09:30 AM
  #16
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Originally Posted by Salmon77 View Post
He might not believe you at first, but if you don't contact him further or schedule any more appointments he'll get the message.

Are you thinking about finding a new therapist?
I have standing appointments at the same time each week, so no need to schedule. I may find a new therapist, but feel like I need a break first. It feels kind of like a break up would feel and I’m not sure that I’m ready to rebound yet. I sort of suspect he might reply when he returns from vacation, but he also might be expecting me to send another email retracting my termination email!
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 09:34 AM
  #17
I think the therapist will know when you don't show up if the guy doesn't believe your email. I don't think you can control what the therapist believes or doesn't.

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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 09:48 AM
  #18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lrad123 View Post
I assume he’ll believe me, right? Many months ago I sent an “I quit” email that was more about venting and he said he interpreted it that way. This one was much more clear and not emotional. I gave clear instructions to send me the invoice. I assume he’ll have to believe me, right? I guess I’ll have to wait to find out.
A lot of times assumptions about other people are wrong, especially about what they believe. I think the only person that needs to believe you is you. Are you really done, or is this another round of emailing in hopes of a "response" that you've been repeatedly told is not going to happen? I think it would be very clever of you to try yet one more version of trying to "get" him to respond to you, which may happen if he sends you an invoice as instructed. Because if he does send you the invoice, you "win" because he responded to your email. What if he doesn't? (rhetorical question)

Sometimes tone is hard to figure out in posts, and I just want to be clear that I'm not being sarcastic or whatever in admiring your creativity in finding new ways to email and the expectations of a "response."
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 10:08 AM
  #19
I realise that people here (including you) might not like my opinion but to me it seems that you are trying to manipulate him. If you would really want to terminate then you would have no problem doing that in session face to face and it would not be dependent on whether the T responds to the email or not.

In reality you are trying to control him. Instead of using what he is offering you, you are trying to move him to a place where he would do what you want him to do - respond to emails. Unfortunately, the treatment won't happen over emails and the only things that matter are the things that are happening in the session.

I know that many people here exchange emails with their T's and I have emailed to my T as well. But there are differences between email and email. Whereas with one person allowing emails might be necessary and useful, with another one it can be detrimental and not helpful to the treatment (even if sending the emails and receiving responses would feel good). In the end, the goal of the T is to help you and it is his professional judgement whether he thinks emailing is good for your treatment or not.

I think it also makes sense to point out that the T is not trying to control you. He is not forbidding you to email if that's what you want to do. It's totally up to you whether you decide to email him or not. But you want to control him and make him respond to you, even when he feels that it's not helpful.

I'm not saying that terminating would be wrong in this case. After all you and only you can decide whether you are ready and willing to face those things in yourself that the treatment draws out. It hasn't been said anywhere that everyone should even want to face these things and work to understand them. The fact is that you cannot run and hide from yourself forever but maybe it is easier for now. Wether the T will or will not respond to emails is not the point at all.
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 10:11 AM
  #20
Hi Lrad,

I didn't respond initially because with all the dispute over support in other threads I was not sure what you wanted. I was tempted when I saw your 2nd post but held off but with you subsequent posts it just seems to me that this was an example of acting out I.e. an action bourne of an emotional flashback linked to the feelings trigger led when he does not respond.

You pressed the nuclear option to generate a response and your later posts don't really lead me to believe you believe you want to terminate. I've been wrong many times though!

Anyway, my t would not respond if she viewed it in that way and I doubt yours will too.

Does he have staff to send any outstanding invoices or letter? I don't know how he will get around it - maybe a call at the time of your session if you don't show? Has he done that before?

Good luck either way. I've been there so I can empathise.
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