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Heart Feb 16, 2019 at 12:52 PM
  #1
Hi Everyone -

I took a bit of a break from these boards over the last few months as I’ve been recovering from a traumatic therapy relationship and termination.

I started this thread because I wanted to let everyone know that there is hope and a path to recovery after therapy trauma.

As some background, I quit an extremely damaging therapy relationship 8 months ago, despite being obsessively attached and dependent on my therapist. Quitting was the most mentally destabilizing and destructive experience in my life - with a pain unmatched by even my traumatic childhood. Simply, it felt like death.

I didn’t jump into another therapy relationship right away, but took time to figure out who I was, what went wrong and developed a solid picture of the type of person I wanted to become (strong, healthy, independent and stable). I realized how much of my ideal self bad therapy blocked and robbed from me. Every day after termination I worked hard to develop my own internal resources - at first, just by getting up each day and living my life without my therapist.

Over many more months, I started to truly take care of myself - be it getting more sleep, eating healthier, getting enough exercise, meeting people and figuring out what I liked to do and doing it. I did this every day, no matter how hard it felt. After 8 months, I still carry on with a very solid self-care routine because it helps me.

In the most current phase, I am actively getting Chinese acupuncture and EMDR to treat the therapy trauma. Both appear to be helping. Finding an EMDR therapist was the most challenging since it required re-entering the therapy world (which I had previously sworn off). However, I am realizing that there are many types of therapy and not all require being ‘good enough mothered’ and engaging in what I see to be potentially dangerous attachment work.

Anyway, my life right now feels normal - which I couldn’t have visualized when my world came crashing down after therapy ended. I still have emotional flashbacks and periods of intense grief, but I am hoping the trauma treatments I am engaging in will help diminish this last remaining painful part.

More than anything, I want to let anyone out there struggling post-termination know that you are not alone and that recovery is possible. Also, if you are in a dysfunctional therapy relationship please seek whatever help you can to get out. We all deserve better.
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Default Feb 16, 2019 at 04:45 PM
  #2
Thank you for sharing this. I hope you are doing better.

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Default Feb 16, 2019 at 04:47 PM
  #3
Glad you have found some ways to heal and start over. Best of luck to your continued success in the future.

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Default Feb 17, 2019 at 01:08 AM
  #4
glad to see you on the other side

thanks for coming back and giving us an encouraging and positive update.
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Default Feb 17, 2019 at 01:30 PM
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Thanks everyone! It’s still a work in progress but nowhere near as painful as immediately after termination.
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Default Feb 17, 2019 at 02:39 PM
  #6
Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone. You are so very strong.

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Default Apr 04, 2019 at 09:37 AM
  #7
If you're still around, OP, I'd love to hear an update.

Hope things are still going well.
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Default Apr 04, 2019 at 10:18 AM
  #8
despite being obsessively attached and dependent on my therapist. Quitting was the most mentally destabilizing and destructive experience in my life - with a pain unmatched by even my traumatic childhood. Simply, it felt like death.

Jesus.......this is how I felt today when I thought I would not be able to see my T anymore. OMG what does that say? I am screwed.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Apr 04, 2019 at 10:19 AM
  #9
You should start an online group to help others "escape" therapy.

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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 08:23 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
You should start an online group to help others "escape" therapy.
I'm not a therapy fan. I think it would have been great if somebody or some group could have helped me escape much sooner than I did.

But. . .haven't you said that you were doing much worse in terms of self-harm before you started seeing the current T?

So -- a trade off, maybe? I think therapists need some better ways to help people but currently, they don't. And for what it is worth, this forum has helped me a lot once the therapy did end.
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 08:32 AM
  #11
This forum helped me escape therapy as I was on here from the very beginning when I started therapy (under my previous account). Well, actually it was better than escape, more like prevention: it helped me to remain critical, to not buy into the superficial and (for me) useless parts of therapy, and to not get enmeshed. I am not generally prone to those things but reading PC played a big role in getting many different perspectives and it very easy as I did not need to learn from my own experience in overly painful ways.
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 09:20 AM
  #12
This forum has helped me understand how my therapy is different from those that seem problematic (sometimes to others; sometimes to me reading the reports). And it's helped me understand how I have benefitted from therapy and why I continue to do it. Clarity on both of these things is useful to me, and if I ever need to get away from my therapist or wonder if I should, I would post here for the varying perspectives that are often offered.
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 12:15 PM
  #13
Thank you so much for sharing some inspirational narrative.

I am worried about therapy, the level of preoccupation and emotional psychic pain it evokes. I have never felt so much dependence on a relationship, and have had a pretty normal relationship history despite childhood trauma. However, therapy kind of blew the walls off some organization in my mind, and I really depend on my therapist almost to organize experience with me now.

I can't imagine the courage it took for you to quit, and I get why it felt like a death and worse than the original trauma. Congratulations on the self care and self discovery.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous55908 View Post
Hi Everyone -

I took a bit of a break from these boards over the last few months as I’ve been recovering from a traumatic therapy relationship and termination.

I started this thread because I wanted to let everyone know that there is hope and a path to recovery after therapy trauma.

As some background, I quit an extremely damaging therapy relationship 8 months ago, despite being obsessively attached and dependent on my therapist. Quitting was the most mentally destabilizing and destructive experience in my life - with a pain unmatched by even my traumatic childhood. Simply, it felt like death.

I didn’t jump into another therapy relationship right away, but took time to figure out who I was, what went wrong and developed a solid picture of the type of person I wanted to become (strong, healthy, independent and stable). I realized how much of my ideal self bad therapy blocked and robbed from me. Every day after termination I worked hard to develop my own internal resources - at first, just by getting up each day and living my life without my therapist.

Over many more months, I started to truly take care of myself - be it getting more sleep, eating healthier, getting enough exercise, meeting people and figuring out what I liked to do and doing it. I did this every day, no matter how hard it felt. After 8 months, I still carry on with a very solid self-care routine because it helps me.

In the most current phase, I am actively getting Chinese acupuncture and EMDR to treat the therapy trauma. Both appear to be helping. Finding an EMDR therapist was the most challenging since it required re-entering the therapy world (which I had previously sworn off). However, I am realizing that there are many types of therapy and not all require being ‘good enough mothered’ and engaging in what I see to be potentially dangerous attachment work.

Anyway, my life right now feels normal - which I couldn’t have visualized when my world came crashing down after therapy ended. I still have emotional flashbacks and periods of intense grief, but I am hoping the trauma treatments I am engaging in will help diminish this last remaining painful part.

More than anything, I want to let anyone out there struggling post-termination know that you are not alone and that recovery is possible. Also, if you are in a dysfunctional therapy relationship please seek whatever help you can to get out. We all deserve better.

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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 12:19 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by here today View Post
I'm not a therapy fan. I think it would have been great if somebody or some group could have helped me escape much sooner than I did.

But. . .haven't you said that you were doing much worse in terms of self-harm before you started seeing the current T?

So -- a trade off, maybe? I think therapists need some better ways to help people but currently, they don't. And for what it is worth, this forum has helped me a lot once the therapy did end.
Yes therapy has helped me with my dangerous coping behaviors but replaced it with something more insidious and it showed itself yesterday if you read my other post.

I do not know how to fix me. I am robbing peter to pay paul.....and that is how it feels lately.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 12:26 PM
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Yes therapy has helped me with my dangerous coping behaviors but replaced it with something more insidious and it showed itself yesterday if you read my other post.

I do not know how to fix me. I am robbing peter to pay paul.....and that is how it feels lately.
You recognized pretty quickly what you were doing and were able to slow yourself down. That sounds like good work, awareness, and progress in the right direction. Give yourself credit where credit is due. That doesn't sound insidious at all.
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 08:59 AM
  #16
I’m the OP - thank you for asking about me.

I’m actually doing quite well! I’m nearly a year out of therapy. I was doing EMDR and accupuncture for a few months as part of ‘therapy recovery’ but stopped because I didn’t feel it was worth my efforts or money. I think in the scheme of things, only time has helped.

I still think about therapy and my therapist a lot. Occasionally I go through periods of longing, particularly when I’m sick or struggling. I also have periods of anger - towards both therapy as an institution and about many of the things she said and did that felt destructive. I do my best to feel my feelings as they crop up, and let them go so I can move on.

I often look back on my many years of therapy with a lot of regret. I made therapy and my therapist the centerpiece of my life for a long time and realize how much living I wasn’t doing. I invested most of my emotional energy trying to get something from her that I was never meant to have. I thought the pain and suffering I went through in my relationship with her would eventually lead to healing, but I recognize it now as subtle (and often not so subtle) traumatization.

More than anything, I am happy to be free from the enmeshment and dependency of therapy. It’s wonderful not living session to session, obsessing over converrsational nuances, fretting about her vacation schedule, and desperately seeking her love and approval. I do miss the ‘highs’ of good sessions and the temporary feeling of being cared about - but freedom has been more valuable. At least with where I am at right now.

I wish everyone who is struggling in their relationships with their therapist hope and healing. Getting out might not be good for everyone but for me it was.
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 01:29 PM
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I’m the OP - thank you for asking about me.

I’m actually doing quite well! I’m nearly a year out of therapy. I was doing EMDR and accupuncture for a few months as part of ‘therapy recovery’ but stopped because I didn’t feel it was worth my efforts or money. I think in the scheme of things, only time has helped.

I still think about therapy and my therapist a lot. Occasionally I go through periods of longing, particularly when I’m sick or struggling. I also have periods of anger - towards both therapy as an institution and about many of the things she said and did that felt destructive. I do my best to feel my feelings as they crop up, and let them go so I can move on.

I often look back on my many years of therapy with a lot of regret. I made therapy and my therapist the centerpiece of my life for a long time and realize how much living I wasn’t doing. I invested most of my emotional energy trying to get something from her that I was never meant to have. I thought the pain and suffering I went through in my relationship with her would eventually lead to healing, but I recognize it now as subtle (and often not so subtle) traumatization.

More than anything, I am happy to be free from the enmeshment and dependency of therapy. It’s wonderful not living session to session, obsessing over converrsational nuances, fretting about her vacation schedule, and desperately seeking her love and approval. I do miss the ‘highs’ of good sessions and the temporary feeling of being cared about - but freedom has been more valuable. At least with where I am at right now.

I wish everyone who is struggling in their relationships with their therapist hope and healing. Getting out might not be good for everyone but for me it was.
Thanks for sharing this PurpleMirror,

My heart goes out to you. Do you think you would become as attached to a new therapist as you were to your former therapist? I mean, now that you have come to regret how much dependency there was?

I have been in similar situations. It is so painful.

You are not alone,

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

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"roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles"
"the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy"
"don't put all your eggs - in one basket"
"promote pleasure - prevent pain"
"with change - comes loss"
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ View Post
Thanks for sharing this PurpleMirror,

My heart goes out to you. Do you think you would become as attached to a new therapist as you were to your former therapist? I mean, now that you have come to regret how much dependency there was?

I have been in similar situations. It is so painful.

You are not alone,

Thanks,
HD7970ghz
I don’t think I would get as attached - at least not in the way I was before.

Part of what I gained out of this painful experience is recognizing signs of unhealthy attachment and keeping distance from people that this is likely to occur with in the future. Therapy helped uncover unmet needs, so at a minimum I can recognize my blind spots and protect myself from addictive relationships better going forward. I don’t hold the illusion anymore that anyone can fill what I never had in my childhood. I no longer subconsciously search for mothers and I try to be my own mother.

Other therapist-like people I have worked with since have been male (like EMDR therapist, acupuncturist, GP). There doesn’t seem to be that same propensity to try to get mothering care.

Thank you for the nice words!
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Ribbon Apr 12, 2019 at 02:31 PM
  #19
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Originally Posted by SalingerEsme View Post
Thank you so much for sharing some inspirational narrative.

I am worried about therapy, the level of preoccupation and emotional psychic pain it evokes. I have never felt so much dependence on a relationship, and have had a pretty normal relationship history despite childhood trauma. However, therapy kind of blew the walls off some organization in my mind, and I really depend on my therapist almost to organize experience with me now.

I can't imagine the courage it took for you to quit, and I get why it felt like a death and worse than the original trauma. Congratulations on the self care and self discovery.
Thank you!!!

It wasn’t easy, but neither was staying.

I empathize with where you are at. I wish I could offer you words of comfort or advice, but can only offer my experience. Sadly there are no therapy instruction manuals when things turn painful and I’m not sure many therapists truly ‘get’ how excruciating being in this situation can be.

Wishing you the courage you need - whether it’s courage to keep moving forward with your therapist, or courage to make a change ❤️
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 02:50 PM
  #20
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Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
Yes therapy has helped me with my dangerous coping behaviors but replaced it with something more insidious and it showed itself yesterday if you read my other post.

I do not know how to fix me. I am robbing peter to pay paul.....and that is how it feels lately.
Moxie -

You are in a really tough situation. On one hand it sounds like you really need support. On the other, the support you need is also creating a torturous side effects. It makes leaving (which could be healthy in some cases) dangerous or too destabilizing to manage. Catch 22.

I’m not sure any advice I could give would make this easier, but these boards are certainly great for venting and connecting to others who understand how you feel. Hoping relief is close!
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