Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

circlesincircles · Apr 08, 2019 at 12:53 AM

But really, though. What am I going to say to you? That I've missed you? That doesn't really cover a session.

LabRat27 · Apr 08, 2019 at 03:44 AM

I wish I knew where the line was
What could I ask for and have before you started to deny requests?

I don't want to do trial and error, because crossing that line even once would make me feel so humiliated and angry at myself for having asked.
There was one thing I asked for that you said no to. That was over a year ago and I still hate even remembering.

But, as you know, I still need the line to exist. I trust you to keep it on the fairly rigid/professional side of the boundary spectrum.
Getting what it feels like I want would ruin this entire thing.

Anne2.0 · Apr 08, 2019 at 05:51 AM

Dear T,

Lens inward or lens outward? I think I've benefitted much from looking inward these past few years, making better choices about what and how and who I spend my time and energy with, how what I do misses the mark from what I'm going for. I understand myself with a lot more complexity now and cut myself far more slack than I used to. I never thought it might be progress to not punish myself or feel negative about making mistakes. Perhaps it has been this that has encouraged me to learn more and take risks with work that I might not have done otherwise. This new work project makes that clear. But now it is time to turn the lens outward, to look at the world, and I'm not that thrilled with what I see. Not going to pretend otherwise. How to live with what I see and the limited ability I have to make the world a better place? The enormity of the beast against the tools I have, it is not inspiring. What I'm looking for is inspiration, with a capital I.

Omers · Apr 08, 2019 at 06:49 AM

T, it’s T day. I am excited. Seeing you Monday and Thursday works really well fo me I wish we could do it every week (without the extra long week and a half breaks). I hope my bouncie overrides my social fears and I can ask for a “hi” hug and a “bye” hug... you already know that is normal for me.
T, I keep having dreams about being really, really scared in your office and what you will do... like more scared than you have ever seen me. I can’t see you ever letting me get that scared in your office, it would upset you too much to see.
T, there are some parts of my story that I am going to need to tell you even though you don’t need to hear them to help me... but I know they will be super upsetting to you so I am not sure what to do.
Can you be you again today? I want to laugh and smile and that is easier for me when you let your quirks show through rather than being all professional.

Elio · Apr 08, 2019 at 08:07 AM

Was surprised you did not respond to my email yet.

I'm trying to hush the inner critic before it can even get the statement out so that whatever statement doesn't become a running dialog. I need an inner critic voodoo doll that I can wrap up in saran wrap and duck tape mouth shut.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 08, 2019 at 09:04 AM

If you find one, can you let me know? I would also benefit from one.

unaluna · Apr 08, 2019 at 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

If you find one, can you let me know? I would also benefit from one.

LOL! At one of my job assignments, i made voodoo dolls of my boss, and my boss's boss. Long story, but i loved it. Just go to a toy store or browse til you find a character that suits.

Omers · Apr 08, 2019 at 11:59 AM

OMG T, that hat in THAT car... I am dying! The Fr transference is fierce!

and typing this on my fave couch in your waiting room has me laughing way too hard... going to be an interesting hour!

Lemoncake · Apr 08, 2019 at 12:02 PM

From tomorrow just 17 days to go.

At the moment I don't feel like I need to see a back up T, but I am seeing a massage therapist at the fancy spa again on friday, after I left feeling so much lighter yesterday.

nottrustin · Apr 08, 2019 at 12:15 PM

Oh T, who would have thought I would have cried so much over the loss of somebody. I said years ago I would never allow myself to get close enough to a person that their leaving would hurt me. Whelp here I am still in excruciating pain over the loss of you. You taught me that the memories and time together makes all the the pain worth it. As was usually the case, you were right. You made a huge impact on my life. You helped me recognize and celebrate the successes and good times. You were also always there to comfort me when things were the worst. You made me feel cared about, stron and worthy. No matter what I said you always made me feel safe and comfortable. You taught me trust my instincts and that I am a good mom.

I still can't believe you are gone. I do charish the memories. The memories are worth the pain.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 08, 2019 at 12:48 PM

I don't want to be in my head at the moment.

Anne2.0 · Apr 08, 2019 at 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Oh T, who would have thought I would have cried so much over the loss of somebody. I said years ago I would never allow myself to get close enough to a person that their leaving would hurt me. Whelp here I am still in excruciating pain over the loss of you. You taught me that the memories and time together makes all the the pain worth it. As was usually the case, you were right. You made a huge impact on my life. You helped me recognize and celebrate the successes and good times. You were also always there to comfort me when things were the worst. You made me feel cared about, stron and worthy. No matter what I said you always made me feel safe and comfortable. You taught me trust my instincts and that I am a good mom.

I still can't believe you are gone. I do charish the memories. The memories are worth the pain.

All of this is beautiful and true. Whether the person lost is T or someone else, I have felt lucky to be grateful for what I had. The return value of the connection is far greater than the loss, although grief sometimes tells a different story. Human connection is the best, thanks for reminding me of it on this day, I could really use it.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 08, 2019 at 02:22 PM

Dear T,
Thanks for not pushing the "breathing" and meditation thing today. You seemed to really take me seriously when I talked about Thursday night, and I appreciate that. And you seemed particularly compassionate today. And yay, Super Mario socks (hadn't seen them in a long time).
Love,
LT

piggy momma · Apr 08, 2019 at 02:33 PM

You kind of threw me off today when you asked me how therapy is working for me, and I didn't really answer very well because I needed time to think. I am working on formulating a better answer for next week. I guess anything is better than a shrug and "it seems to be ok".

nottrustin · Apr 08, 2019 at 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

All of this is beautiful and true. Whether the person lost is T or someone else, I have felt lucky to be grateful for what I had. The return value of the connection is far greater than the loss, although grief sometimes tells a different story. Human connection is the best, thanks for reminding me of it on this day, I could really use it.

You're most welcome. It has been a very difficult journey but I am getting through it. Whenever I get angry, I remind myself of our accomplishments, mutual caring, etc.

Lemoncake · 03:33 PM

aaaaaaaaaand back to thinking that maybe I'm not ready to come back.

Possible trigger:

P.s I can't even remember the last time I even self harmed. That's a good sign right?

P.P.S - I have 7 "emails" from you now. Yep I'm crazy, but I went through my inbox flagging some of your older emails and marking them as unread so they would stay at the top of my inbox and look new.

SlumberKitty · Apr 08, 2019 at 03:39 PM

I think that's a good sign Lemoncake. HUGS Kit

Omers · Apr 08, 2019 at 09:46 PM

T, you are awesome and amaizing and I love you... even if you aren’t a pet person.

DP_2017 · Apr 08, 2019 at 09:56 PM

Honestly. I wish I could stop crying over someone who has probably not even thought of me more than once in the last month, if that. This is ridiculous. Why do I care? It's over, you are gone, why can't I just let it all go and move on? Good lord

susannahsays · Apr 08, 2019 at 11:23 PM

You better be ready for me on Wednesday!

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

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circlesincircles Member Member Since May 2018 Location: United States Posts: 303 5	Apr 08, 2019 at 12:53 AM #741 But really, though. What am I going to say to you? That I've missed you? That doesn't really cover a session.
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Elio ............... Member Since Sep 2006 Location: in my head Posts: 2,911 17 8,779 hugs given	Apr 08, 2019 at 08:07 AM #745 Was surprised you did not respond to my email yet. I'm trying to hush the inner critic before it can even get the statement out so that whatever statement doesn't become a running dialog. I need an inner critic voodoo doll that I can wrap up in saran wrap and duck tape mouth shut.
	Reply With Quote

Omers Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2010 Location: Crimson cattery Posts: 3,512 13 3,133 hugs given	Apr 08, 2019 at 11:59 AM #748 OMG T, that hat in THAT car... I am dying! The Fr transference is fierce! and typing this on my fave couch in your waiting room has me laughing way too hard... going to be an interesting hour! __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night
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Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,684 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Apr 08, 2019 at 12:02 PM #749 From tomorrow just 17 days to go. At the moment I don't feel like I need to see a back up T, but I am seeing a massage therapist at the fancy spa again on friday, after I left feeling so much lighter yesterday. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,727 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	Apr 08, 2019 at 02:22 PM #753 Dear T, Thanks for not pushing the "breathing" and meditation thing today. You seemed to really take me seriously when I talked about Thursday night, and I appreciate that. And you seemed particularly compassionate today. And yay, Super Mario socks (hadn't seen them in a long time). Love, LT
	Reply With Quote

piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Apr 08, 2019 at 02:33 PM #754 You kind of threw me off today when you asked me how therapy is working for me, and I didn't really answer very well because I needed time to think. I am working on formulating a better answer for next week. I guess anything is better than a shrug and "it seems to be ok".
	Reply With Quote

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Apr 08, 2019 at 03:39 PM #757 I think that's a good sign Lemoncake. HUGS Kit __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA
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Omers Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2010 Location: Crimson cattery Posts: 3,512 13 3,133 hugs given	Apr 08, 2019 at 09:46 PM #758 T, you are awesome and amaizing and I love you... even if you aren’t a pet person. __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night
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DP_2017 Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2017 Location: A house Posts: 4,412 6 665 hugs given	Apr 08, 2019 at 09:56 PM #759 Honestly. I wish I could stop crying over someone who has probably not even thought of me more than once in the last month, if that. This is ridiculous. Why do I care? It's over, you are gone, why can't I just let it all go and move on? Good lord __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love.
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susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Apr 08, 2019 at 11:23 PM #760 You better be ready for me on Wednesday! __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold
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