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Luna's offical mini me.
Member Since May 2017
Location: Cafe Nervosa.
Posts: 9,700
(SuperPoster!)
6 10.2k hugs
given |
#921
Day 14/20
Zero emails sent. 6 days, 18 hours, 11 minutes and 7 seconds . __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing." |
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ElectricManatee, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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LonesomeTonight
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,797
12 3,129 hugs
given |
#922
I don't think difficult is a big enough word any more. This is bordering on unbearable. If you know my experience at all, you know that this is a rough time for me.
This is the time of year I need more support, not markedly less. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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chihirochild, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 2,360
7 4,865 hugs
given |
#923
I don’t understand, T. The stupid thing went as well as could be expected, maybe better than could be expected. Why don’t I feel any better?
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Member
Member Since Jan 2017
Location: Florida
Posts: 322
7 567 hugs
given |
#924
Oh, T. Nothing is right. Everything is awful. I don’t know what to do.
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ElectricManatee, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 2,161
6 1,834 hugs
given |
#925
Hi T. News flash - still love you
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Omers, SlumberKitty
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LonesomeTonight
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 1,009
6 2,354 hugs
given |
#926
When I say I like it or it makes me feel good, I don't mean it in a fun way. I mean it makes me feel warm.
When you're starving and it's winter you feel cold all the time. No matter how much tea you drink or how many blankets you have or how long you sit in front of the heater it's just this deep cold down to your core even when your skin is warm. But if you stand under hot water in the shower long enough, sometimes you can start to feel like you're almost warm, even where the chill is hiding in your bones. It doesn't last though. It's never enough to actually be warm. But when you feel cold all the time you stand there until all the hot water is gone, trying to hold onto that feeling. When I say I like the feeling, I don't mean it's enjoyable. But it's like almost feeling not cold for a second. I can't let myself have that though. Hurting myself distracts from the cold. I'd rather hurt than have to sit through the cold. I'd rather hurt than long for warmth that I'll never really feel down to my bones. I'm sorry. I understand if you're angry. I'm sorry that I want to make you feel sad. I feel guilty, if that's any consolidation. I try to hurt myself instead. But, even then, I want that to hurt you too, because I'm so tired of the cold. I'm sorry. |
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chihirochild, Echos Myron redux, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
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#927
Dear T: I'll see you Saturday. So glad you had an opening. Kit
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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LonesomeTonight
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 3,512
13 3,133 hugs
given |
#928
T, you are awesome, I adore you, I always feel so very seen and heard... but this week I feel like you aren’t seeing/hearing how much pain I am in. How badly I am hurting. I don’t understand. Maybe because I don’t get Sui or SH... I just suffer, I am good at suffering... but I’m tired.
__________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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#929
Thanks again for talking with me yesterday. I am glad I called. I still don't want to come back to therapy-proper, but... if you are open to this still... the next time I have a Big Dream I may just call and see if you're up for a little dreamwork.... maybe... probably...
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 3,512
13 3,133 hugs
given |
#930
T, I spoke too soon... I’m tired. I will see you Monday... then you are off for a week... *sigh*
__________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,763
(SuperPoster!)
9 75k hugs
given |
#931
Dear T,
Scared insurance coverage change will mean I can't see you as much. I want to ask if you'd be willing to accept slightly less (like $20 a session less, so you'd still be making the vast majority of your fee) for a couple months, if it turns out the change is what we think it is. Just while I transition to once a week, then I can pay the full fee. But I'm scared you'll say no, even though you said before you could work with me on cost if H ended up losing his job. And then it will be glaringly clear that I'm mostly a dollar figure to you. I want to email you about this tonight, but I should wait until H calls tomorrow and gets all the information. Love you, LT |
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LabRat27, Polibeth, SlumberKitty
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,763
(SuperPoster!)
9 75k hugs
given |
#932
And I'm trying really hard to put certain thoughts out of my head.
LT |
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ElectricManatee, SlumberKitty
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Young Butterfly
Member Since Jan 2012
Posts: 7,574
12 1,475 hugs
given |
#933
********trigger warning for talk of sh******
So t, I just cut for the first time in probably 3 years. I am spiraling. I am pissed about how my session ended yesterday. I am Pissed that the pdoc today said I really didn’t want to die. I am pissed that to make an effort to reach out to other people, and create a support system with friends, I still don’t get any support. I really hate life right now. And I guess if I am being honest.. this whole trust thing that we talked about this week in connection with my previous doctor and his “mistakes” and whether or not you know is still really messing with me. __________________ "You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in. You get a second chance, every second." "You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be!" - J.K. Rowling. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. |
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ElectricManatee, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2018
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 3,355
5 1 hugs
given |
#934
I have too much stuff to talk about tomorrow.
__________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
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LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 1,009
6 2,354 hugs
given |
#935
*consolation
Of course I don't notice this until the time window to edit has passed. Stupid Swype keyboard makes some weird errors. Not that it actually matters, but it's bothering me and I feel the irrational compulsive need to establish that I do know which word to use, it's just the phone keyboard. |
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Omers, susannahsays
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Luna's offical mini me.
Member Since May 2017
Location: Cafe Nervosa.
Posts: 9,700
(SuperPoster!)
6 10.2k hugs
given |
#936
Day 15/20
__________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing." |
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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...............
Member Since Sep 2006
Location: in my head
Posts: 2,911
17 8,779 hugs
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#937
wish you would reply tonight. Don't need it, want it.
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail, SlumberKitty
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 1,009
6 2,354 hugs
given |
#938
You asked about taking it off the table.
Feeling warm. That's what it would take. If you can help me feel warm and like I'm allowed to feel warm and ask for and get what I need for that. The SH is how I cope with the cold. I don't know how to ask for that though. I don't know what it means in practice. And I don't know if that would take too much. If that would require more than I can have. I know I want more than I can have.
Possible trigger:
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Echos Myron redux, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Echos Myron redux
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,797
12 3,129 hugs
given |
#939
Really curious as to whether you're aware of the significance of this time of year, for me.
Something tells me we've talked about it enough that it has to register. Still I marvel at the circumstances that have rendered you unavailable, at the time I probably need you most. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Omers, SlumberKitty
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 4,412
6 665 hugs
given |
#940
I'm thrilled for sunny days ahead but it also makes me wish we could walk together and wonder who you walk with now. What fun things you will be doing outdoors with new people. I hate how these stupid thoughts never go away. Sigh...
__________________ Grief is the price you pay for love. |
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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