[Lrad123]

I don’t have a problem with eye contact in therapy, for the most part anyway. Sometimes I feel a little awkward depending on my mood or what we’re talking about, and then eye contact can feel strange, but for the most part that’s not the case. We occasionally have moments of silence when I become aware that we’re not talking and then I’ll look at him and I’m relieved that he’s not looking at me. But once in a while (not frequently) when I look at him he looks directly at me and doesn’t look away like one would normally do in a typical social situation. Even when I look away and then look back, he’s still looking. It’s weird and intense, but not necessarily bad and it only lasts for a few seconds although it feels longer. I’ve been trying to figure out how to describe this experience and I found this description in a book I recently finished (about someone seeing a therapist) that I thought was close to perfect:

“His eyes are like magnets, and every time I glance away, they seem to find me. His expression is intense but gentle, a combination of a wise elder and a stuffed animal, and it comes with a message: in this room, I’m going to see you, and you’ll try to hide, but I’ll still see you, and it’s going to be ok.”

I wouldn’t describe my T as a wiser elder/stuffed animal exactly, but the message that comes with his look seems accurate and weirdly comforting while feeling awkward at the same time. I wonder if they practice “the look.” Anyone else get this look?

[stopdog]

No - such never happened as far as I know. I would never have described either of the woman as having a look and certainly never one that indicated they were going to see me.

[susannahsays]

I don't really understand what people are talking about when they talk about being seen in therapy. It sounds like "seen" is code for "understood," but then why not say understood instead? I must be missing something. I don't personally feel like being eyeballed makes the therapist understand me.

Love the quote.

It was Kohut who said we develop a positive sense of Self from our Mother's reflecting back her pleasure at us when she looks in the our eyes.

I was never 'seen' by my mother because she reflected back her projections of me, her resentment of me. Her dread of having another child she didn't want. In therapy, someone who is interested in me and who could see me for who I am, rather than through transference and projections, has been a positive experience.

[darkside8]

Similar to you, I make eye contact here and there, but when things are slightly uncomfortable and begin to get deep, I avoid our eyes locking. Our eyes are the windows to our soul they say, so it appears I’m too afraid to let her see too much of me.
My therapist recently, with a gentle-like face, stared into my eyes, trying to hold eye contact. It felt intense, so I of course looked down. I believe her intent was to build a connection with me and to help me feel comfortable and safe being vulnerable with her, as this is something I have been avoiding at all cost. It’s perhaps to show and to teach clients the importance of connection and vulnerability in order to get what we need from people. It’s perhaps to show that they are here, a 100%, actively listening and willing to show compassion, so that we can be our authentic selves.
Having said that, my T and I now sit side by side lol, so that I feel more comfortable without the intensity of eye contact during vulnerable moments. Our goal is to eventually sit opposite each other and for me to be able to make eye contact when discussing the difficult stuff! 🤔

[LonesomeTonight]

I very much had this with ex-MC, and it was something that felt very healing to me. I feel it's something he likely practiced, as he's mentioned other techniques he uses. And he has very intense brown eyes.

T does the fairly intense eye contact thing at times, too--it can be particularly intense when we're parting ways and shaking hands, because then there's both physical touch and eye contact. It can also feel healing (both with ex-MC and T) if I look at them when I'm crying and they hold eye contact, which can feel very accepting, even if they don't say a word. Or if I'm sharing something that feels shameful. Feeling seen and accepted are very important to me (I feel I missed some of that in childhood), so eye contact in therapy can feel very powerful to me.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I don't really understand what people are talking about when they talk about being seen in therapy. It sounds like "seen" is code for "understood," but then why not say understood instead? I must be missing something. I don't personally feel like being eyeballed makes the therapist understand me.

I suppose the whole thing sounds kind of weird to you then. I used to think the idea of being “seen” was a bunch of hand-waving or maybe a fairy tale or code for something woo woo. I’m not sure now. I wish I could explain it better. I definitely don’t feel like I’m being “eyeballed” though, and I’m not saying that the look means that he understands me or gets me, but it’s kind of nice and gives me hope. And it’s still kind of weird to me.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I very much had this with ex-MC, and it was something that felt very healing to me. I feel it's something he likely practiced, as he's mentioned other techniques he uses. And he has very intense brown eyes.

T does the fairly intense eye contact thing at times, too--it can be particularly intense when we're parting ways and shaking hands, because then there's both physical touch and eye contact. It can also feel healing (both with ex-MC and T) if I look at them when I'm crying and they hold eye contact, which can feel very accepting, even if they don't say a word. Or if I'm sharing something that feels shameful. Feeling seen and accepted are very important to me (I feel I missed some of that in childhood), so eye contact in therapy can feel very powerful to me.

I agree that it must be a technique that they practice and actively choose to do in certain situations because it otherwise would be kind of unnatural. I also agree that eye contact in therapy can be powerful, maybe even more powerful when words aren’t being spoken.

[DP_2017]

I always use eye contact in general. I always have. Only exception is if someone makes me feel inferior to them, like by being good looking. While I adored my T. he was not "good looking" to me, so eye contact was never a problem, we always looked at each other and to me, it just felt normal.

[LabRat27]

He does this sometimes, but I very rarely look at him unless it's small talk or about something fairly mundane. I've appreciated the few times he's asked me to look at him when I was especially deep in feelings of shame. It's like it gives me "permission" to look at him when I feel like I don't deserve to or I'm not worthy or I'm too disgusting or whatever, like he's telling me he doesn't feel that way about me. And when I have actually been able to glance up and see him looking at me I do feel "seen." I feel exposed and that he's still looking at me unflinchingly.
When someone does something embarrassing or shameful in front of us, we tend to avert our own gaze.
When he's still looking at me like that it feels like he's telling me that he doesn't see it as shameful/unacceptable, that he isn't disgusted by me, that he isn't angry, that he isn't "rejecting" me, that he isn't hiding judgment or disdain.
I kind of wish he would do it more often.

[LabRat27]

Making this its own reply because it's completely separate from my reply about my own T, but I still want to say it I guess.
It's pretty long, sorry... I've never really talked to anyone about this, and it's hard to explain without some context.

I experienced this once with a T who isn't my T. It's kind of complicated, but I know him through my involvement in a non profit related to mental health stuff, first as a participant and later as a volunteer. I've been attending his weekly meeting for over a year now, and he's seen me at my worst and at some high points, and we've had a few one-on-one conversations of a more personal nature (it turns out he cares about me... weird, right?).
When my personal therapy was starting to delve into all the "abuse" and "trauma" from my childhood that I hadn't thought about or remembered until then I was having a really hard time with it. This T was concerned after a few weeks in a row of it being obvious that something was very wrong, so I had a convo with him letting him know what was going on and that it was working through stuff, not spiraling or backsliding. I'd been vague about it in meetings, so I was also doing the "it's not as bad as that makes it sound" kind of thing, because I knew he'd always kind of assumed there had been significant abuse or something for me to end up like this, and there really wasn't anything that bad.

But during that original conversation when I told him what was going on he kind of half slipped into a therapist role with me. I sat down first and he sat down not too far away, like facing me at a 90 degree angle. I kind of said a bit more than I'd planned to, some pretty stereotypical "but maybe it was my own fault anyway" kind of stuff. Then there was silence. I was looking down. I waited. He waited. After what seemed like an impossibly long time, I glanced up at him. I only saw his face for a split second before I turned away like I'd been burned. He had been looking at me with some really intense expression that I don't understand. I still don't know what I saw on his face. It wasn't bad, it was just unbearably intense and I still don't know what it means. I'm pretty sure he knew what he was doing and that it was intentional. But I don't know what "it" is.

I hadn't thought about it in a while before this post. I still feel a weird tiny adrenaline rush when I remember it.

I like my T. This T is very good at what he does and would also be a terrible fit for me as a T because of transference stuff. I don't wish this T was my therapist instead or anything. But I've never had a moment like that with my T.
It's complicated.

[SalingerEsme]

I'm reading that book now Lorrie Gottlieb . My T is nothing like that, though he makes searching, intense eye contact. He is dynamic and scary-smart. I used to feel so held by that blue-eye gaze, but he has told a few little lies while gazing into my eyes, I don't " believe" the care and attentiveness the way I used to.

[Merope]

OMG YES! Mine does the "look" thing too. When I'm feeling particularly upset or vulnerable, I tend to talk looking at the wall next to his head, or his shoes, or the floor. Anything but his face. BUT, when I chance a quick look at him, I realize he's kind of staring. It's an intense kind of look, almost as if he can see beyond my skin and straight into my skull. It's kind of studious too and sometimes his eyes travel from my eyes to my mouth, to my forehead, to my fidgety hands. For all its intensity, it doesn't really put me off because it feels safe. I don't think anyone has ever looked at me like that before. When I cry a lot, his look becomes a little....alarmed? But also compassionate. Somehow even more intense. I don't really know how to describe it. It's definitely different. I agree with what you wrote about him not looking away like one would normally do in a typical social situation. Very peculiar. I wonder what Ts generally think when they get that intense look on their face.

I’ve discussed this ‘look’ with my current T and with my previous T. I find this sustained eye contact really powerful (but also uncomfortable at times), I think it has a really positive impact on me. My T likens it to the gaze of a caregiver to an infant, which supposedly has a positive impact on a infant. I wouldn’t like to do therapy with a T who didn’t use the gaze with me at times. It is a bit odd though!

[feileacan]

For me it is so that somehow my T's look does not work on me but his voice does. So, largely for that reason lying on the couch is perfect for me because I don't have to do the distracting looking thing and I can focus on the nuances of his tone of voice.

However, a temporary T whom I saw few years ago totally held me with his gaze. In our last months together I tended to start the sessions by silently looking into his eyes and immersing myself with his look - that was very comforting and holding.

I'm not disappointed that my T's look does not work that way - I'm perfectly fine with his voice. However, if there would be no way I would feel held then I'm not sure I would be able to do the therapy work I'm doing.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

My T does this often and it is equally powerful and uncomfortable. I have spent so much of my life fading into the background and accepting invisibility that it is physically painful when I feel like he actually sees me.....

Sometimes I long for it. Sometimes I do all I can to avoid it.
It's probably the most powerful and profound connection to another human being I've ever felt.
When I can sit comfortably in it, I am truly allowing myself to be seen and vulnerable.