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nottrustin
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 08:46 PM
  #821
Met with Pdoc today. It went okay we talked about you a bit and about how much I missed you. When I brought up missing you it was almost like like she was rolling her eyes in her head. Then when I checked out and rescheduled my next appointment with her, I realized it was the date of the last time I saw you last year.

Struggling to get through the night. Good thing for food alcohol. I know you tried to help me to not use alcohol to cope but some days it is the only way I can stay safe.

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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 08:53 PM
  #822
It felt almost like you were going to offer more, or at even just hint at it until I felt safe asking.
And then the moment was over and I'm sure you never intended to give me that impression.
Wishful thinking.
It was silly of me to even think that.
50 minutes twice a week. You've never said or done anything that would suggest that you'd ever deviate from that.
I wish you hadn't texted me that one time. It was easier when I thought that nothing like that could ever happen. Now I want it again.
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 08:57 PM
  #823
L. So it's been about 2 months now since I saw you last. I'm still not sure if we need to say goodbye or not. Maybe that last hug was enough of one. I don't know.
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 12:40 AM
  #824
Today was horrible. I’m not sure where we go from here. Oh, T.
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 03:09 AM
  #825
What would your supervisor say about your behaviour in the last session? Or, more pointedly, what would your therapist say? Your "role reversal" description does not begin to cover what is playing out.
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 04:26 AM
  #826
I honestly have nothing to talk about on Monday. It's been a quiet week. I've been wracking my brain all week trying to come up with something. I don't know if I've started the weaning process - we only have five more sessions until you leave for 13 weeks, or if there is truly nothing going on. Maybe a bit of both.
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 06:24 AM
  #827
If I spend my next session, whenever that may be, talking about the stuff that's come up during this time, the Critic is going to be very angry with me. I feel like I should be able to do this, and most of the time I can...but this is the time of year that I need support with it, and I don't know how to ask.

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Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 08:52 AM
  #828
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn View Post
L. So it's been about 2 months now since I saw you last. I'm still not sure if we need to say goodbye or not. Maybe that last hug was enough of one. I don't know.
You know, perhaps it was!
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 11:17 AM
  #829
hi tee

Dear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIXDear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIXDear T: I really need to tell you something XXXIX

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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 11:19 AM
  #830
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Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn View Post
L. So it's been about 2 months now since I saw you last. I'm still not sure if we need to say goodbye or not. Maybe that last hug was enough of one. I don't know.
I prefer to think of it as a never-ending story
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 11:44 AM
  #831
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
I prefer to think of it as a never-ending story
Perhaps it is at that, as the work we did together lives on inside me....
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 01:24 PM
  #832
I hate you for leaving me behind.

Study group started at 10.30am and I started to get tired, I wanted to leave after the lunch break at 2.30pm - but I felt X made a snarky comment about me leaving and not taking it seriously . I did the one thing i'm good at.I started to cry in front of all of them.. You would say I do have a choice, but i felt trapped and I stayed. Today we ended at 7.15pm

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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 08:15 PM
  #833
I am pre-emptively hating you.Stupid magical thinking. If i do this the maybe you will say yes, but in reality tou will so no, so i will live in my fantasy world for the next 2 weeks.
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 08:15 PM
  #834
T, I’m hurting. I am hurting so bad and I don’t understand why. Emotionally I am still struggling with random bouts of fear you will be violent with me. H wants to be supportive in a way that feels supportive to him... but he laughed at me when I told him I emailed you about the fears. H will let me hug him but it is feeling more and more rejecting/not in there every day. I guess he is starting to feel really emotionally unavailable. Pdoc can’t get here fast enough with more hugs. Please, please take me seriously in my request for touch in the next session. I know that sounds crazy after me telling you I am imagining you being violent with me but I need the reassurance. My body hurts so badly and I am always cold, I’m never cold. Now I can’t get warm. I’m loosing time too. Lost a day somewhere this week. Please hold me, hold my hand, hug me, something. Please.

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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 08:18 PM
  #835
2 years ago we met. I never realized how much you would change my life. So many times I wish In never met you but mostly I'm glad I did, I just wish you never left. I miss you a sickening amount. It would probably scare you to know that. I hope you are happy and have replaced me with someone who is good to you

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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 08:29 PM
  #836
Not gonna drunk-email you. Nope. Not even a little bit.
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 09:58 PM
  #837
Both of you have tried to get me comfortable with crying and being okay with it. Today oldest son said something that made me feel like the worst parent in the world. I have cried so much today including in front of other people. I wish I had one of you..in all honesty I wish I could email you T. You always reminded me and always found the words to remind me I am a good mom. Emdr T is good though, bit she hasnt been there through all the parenting ups and downs

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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 10:39 PM
  #838
So, I just officially hate my brain and wish I could just shut everything off until Monday and T.

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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 12:36 AM
  #839
This one has been hard for me, T. Very hard. I think you’ve successfully scared me into never acting out again. I have sure learned my lesson. When you shut me out, it’s a living hell for me and unbearable. I won’t misbehave again.
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 01:25 AM
  #840
I don't know how to say the things I probably should say.
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