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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 01:58 AM
  #841
I am really grateful my doctor treated me the way she did. Im doing so much better and Im really thankful
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 04:25 AM
  #842
How were you possibly surprised by that?
You stopped asking.
I'd told you I couldn't/wouldn't tell you unless you asked directly
You asked how often you should ask, every session? Then you did. It was the first thing you asked.
I liked the consistency. I liked that you remembered. I started to trust it.
Then one session you didn't ask.
And you never asked again.

So what was I supposed to think?
And did you think that I'd somehow stopped when you stopped asking? Did you think that I hadn't done it in a month?
You didn't ask.
It seemed pretty obvious that you didn't want to know.
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 06:40 AM
  #843
I just emailed you. I'm thinking about taking a break after the summer but I'm not ready to talk about it with you yet. I'll see how the summer goes without you and what kind of a head space I'm in when you get back. But the email I just sent you - I hope we can talk about it tomorrow. It'll open up a whole other can of worms I'm sure, but what am I supposed to do when I can't tell you things you need to know???
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 08:32 AM
  #844
I want to call you just to check in but I don't want to come back to therapy so what is the point.
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 01:23 PM
  #845
Dear R,

Day 9/20 and here I am waiting. Waiting for you.

Gym this morning.

After yesterday X was nicer to me and he made me lunch, when we went back to his after leaving the coffee shop. Then the others came back and we finished chapter 2 and I left at 6.30pm.

P.s zero emails sent so far.

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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 03:28 PM
  #846
T, I see you tomorrow. Please know I am scared of my own mind not you even if my mind is hiding behind a picture of you. Please, please stay close. The closer you stay the less my minds games will be able to win. Can I bring two animals to the chair? I know I can have more than one feeling, can I have more than one need?

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Wild eyed with fear
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 03:37 PM
  #847
You emailed me back! You're unfathomable sometimes. Love you.
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 08:26 PM
  #848
Dear T,
Possible trigger:

Love,
LT
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 08:35 PM
  #849
Dear T,
And I hate how you said the other day that when you were younger, you'd be more willing to talk to a client on the phone to provide support. Because I really need you right now, but I guess your older, more jaded self wouldn't be willing to talk to me. I thought about texting but figured I'd feel worse from a rejection, so I will leave it be.
LT
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 08:44 PM
  #850
T, I am in so much pain and tomorrow seems like a dangerous session. Please, please take me at my word. I know I told you about the images and the fears but please do not think that makes me afraid of the REAL you. I need you tomorrow more than I have ever needed you. Calm, loving, in tune... and willing to touch me. I need to FEEL you safe again not just see and hear it. I am not trying to trigger myself. I admit, I don’t know what will happen if I get quiet and centered and you touch me or hug me... but I know 100% it will be healing not hurtful. Please believe me. Please don’t take touch away. Please be on your A game.
Tonight I went over and got the locket that smells like your office. First time all week, maybe longer. It is comforting again, not scary. In a perfect world tomorrow as I follow you up the steps I will be hit with that familiar smell. When we reach the top of the steps you will take your shoes off and give me space to take mine off... then ask if I need a hug before we get started.
Tomorrow is the first session we have had where it would be very easy for you to unintentionally hurt me emotionally. Please don’t back away. Please.

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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 08:46 PM
  #851
I feel gross, T. I spent all day/night in bed. I hate me.
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 09:10 PM
  #852
13 days til i find out if you change your mind. If you reallynwanted to this could a great corrective experience but i will lways see it as you discarding me even though i said i no longer see my self as disposable this is seriously testing my lesson.
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 09:11 PM
  #853
I was just beginning to trust you and i dont know how it happened how come i am always the last to know.
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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 01:49 AM
  #854
Oh boy, I hadn't realized how sleep deprived I was Friday until I slept. It was like I was drunk or something. Our session feels distant, like a dream.
I keep remembering things I'd forgotten we'd talked about.
I don't want to tell you I barely remember it because I was so out of it because you'd probably find that concerning.
One thing I really don't miss about drinking is this awkward uncomfortable sense as I wait to remember more of what I said/did

I told you about Monday. In fairly graphic detail.
In my defense, you asked. And it wasn't a simple straightforward answer, there was no way to describe it without being somewhat graphic.
Did hearing me describe that bother you?
Possible trigger:
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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 03:11 AM
  #855
Possible trigger:


Today I feel numb..I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not. The anger isn't dominant at the moment, but it is there.

Shoulder pain 6/10

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Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin

Last edited by LostOnTheTrail; Apr 15, 2019 at 06:20 AM..
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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 06:19 AM
  #856
I’m starting to feel sort of scared, like maybe the badness is beginning to descend again. I’m seeing you today and then not until a week from Friday. This is not the most convenient vacation you’ve ever taken.
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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 09:42 AM
  #857
I realized this morning as I was getting ready to start work that I did not talk to you in my head last night after I went to bed for the first time since I last saw you. Progress eh.
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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 10:01 AM
  #858
I don't feel so well today.

Possible trigger:


Building maintenance knocked on my door wanting to check the fire alarm 5 mins before I had to leave for derma. It sounds dumb, but it makes me uncomfortable when I have people I don't know in my space. I did say that I would like notice next time before they turn up instead of just expecting me to let them in.

Registration for forensic in 2 hours and 57 mins.

>> 9 days, 17 hours, 25 minutes and 11 seconds

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Last edited by Lemoncake; Apr 15, 2019 at 10:37 AM..
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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 10:14 AM
  #859
Possible trigger:
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Default Apr 15, 2019 at 10:45 AM
  #860
If there was ever a time of year when I needed support, this is it. The timing of everything is atrocious. Please say we can schedule something for next week, and please show up.

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Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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