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LostOnTheTrail
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 03:56 AM
  #881
I am exhausted. I hope to hear from you this week to set something up for next. There's a lot I want to say, but none of it feels fair or reasonable...and yet I still need to say it.

This is the hardest time of year, and it takes my words away.

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Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 06:33 AM
  #882
T, you tried so hard. You were right there waiting patiently, gently, holding the space... and I sat there like a cat that thinks it is amusing to see how long the human will hold the door before shooing them inside or out... then meowing to see if said human will reopen the door. I feel like crap. Total crap. You did the therapeutic part I asked for 100%... but I couldn’t do my part and now I am miserable. I just want to pull the covers over my head until my next chance to fail... 7 more days. I know you were hurting and frustrated today too and I know it wasn’t frustrated with me. Easter you are going away. It is an anniversary week of a major abandonment... worse, you are going to the place I want to be right now... oh and to imagine how much better it could be if you were there too
This didn’t post last night and the sucky is just as bad today. I get to see massage T but I am not even excited, just blah, another obligation with social **** attached. This is so not like me. I want you to reply to my email... but I want you to tell me you have an opening this week and we can try again, that you have some other truck up your sleeve to help... I know if you respond it isn’t going to be that..

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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 09:38 AM
  #883
See you tomorrow T. I like having you there, and knowing you will be there, same time every week. It helps my week feel steady and good.
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 10:57 AM
  #884
Day 11 /20

>I've decided to drop out of my study group. It's too intense and I don't like working on someone else's schedule. I googled the physical symptoms of BPD yesterday, not just the emotional stuff and some of the things I've always felt came up: mainly the fatigue and sensory overload. I need more down time and it's not me just being a snowflake.

8 days, 16 hours, 33 minutes and 49 seconds

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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 11:09 AM
  #885
I miss you.
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unaluna
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 11:17 AM
  #886
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemoncake View Post
Day 11 /20

>I've decided to drop out of my study group. It's too intense and I don't like working on someone else's schedule. I googled the physical symptoms of BPD yesterday, not just the emotional stuff and some of the things I've always felt came up: mainly the fatigue and sensory overload. I need more down time and it's not me just being a snowflake.

8 days, 16 hours, 33 minutes and 49 seconds
You ARE my mini-me! I am so proud of you for discerning this was contra your own good purposes. I have for too long, whenever someone said jump, jumped overly high, without thinking.
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 11:46 AM
  #887
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Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
T--I'm upset with you that you had to cancel. I understand things come up. But I need you today and you're not there. In fact, I'm starting to realize you aren't there for me most of the time. You've never said stuff like, "I'm on your team" like former T would. You probably never give me a second thought anyway. I'm really upset with you. At the same time, I hope everything is okay for you. I don't know what you meant by family emergency. I hope it's not serious. Kit
Hugs Kit,

I wish I had answers for you. I can say, though, I understand qhwee you are coming from. One of the things I really struggle with when it comes to Emdr T vs T is when I was really struggling with something T always said we will get through this together. It made feel like I wasn't alone and a lost cause. EMDR T doesn't say anything like that. I have said things like "I know we will get through this" she never comments or anything on that part of what I say.

It is hard when they miss and we are prepared to see them and they cancel. T and I discussed this once because I was upset she was frequently canceling due to a new chronic illness. I wasnt mad at her for cancelling or being sick I was frustrated that my appointment was canceled.

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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 12:39 PM
  #888
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Hugs Kit,

I wish I had answers for you. I can say, though, I understand qhwee you are coming from. One of the things I really struggle with when it comes to Emdr T vs T is when I was really struggling with something T always said we will get through this together. It made feel like I wasn't alone and a lost cause. EMDR T doesn't say anything like that. I have said things like "I know we will get through this" she never comments or anything on that part of what I say.

It is hard when they miss and we are prepared to see them and they cancel. T and I discussed this once because I was upset she was frequently canceling due to a new chronic illness. I wasnt mad at her for cancelling or being sick I was frustrated that my appointment was canceled.
Thanks Nottrustin. Thanks for understanding and "getting it". HUGS Kit

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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 12:57 PM
  #889
Yeah this isn't good.
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 05:54 PM
  #890
I hate how much I miss you on the beautiful days. I want to walk again so bad.

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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 06:25 PM
  #891
I listened to that podcast you sent again and damn it, I think I understand now what you were trying to do. It worked just a little too well is the problem. **** damn ****.
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 07:03 PM
  #892
I enjoyed struggling with you. I miss struggling and disagree that you were the wrong T for me, sometimes i felt that you were my biological father, was i supposed to tell you this? I am really confused about what inwas supposed to tell you.
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 07:06 PM
  #893
Dear new t,

I wish today was Thursday so I could see you.

-Butterfly
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 07:48 PM
  #894
imessedupdidn'ti
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 08:51 PM
  #895
I missed you a lot today. I think I am finally seeing things more clearly. See you on Thursday.
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 08:55 PM
  #896
11 days to go. why am i torturing myself like this
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 09:42 PM
  #897
T, you have the feeling cards and the goal cards that I have to pick before I can sit down... maybe I need to make a set of crap I need to talk to you about cards and have to pick one each week. But there is no room left on the credenza. Also, I am debating bringing my high school yearbook in... that was when I started having positive people in my life... but then I also want you to know how bad and horrible I am and that your instinct to protect yourself isn’t wrong... I just choose every day not to be that part of me... but I am kinda sick of you thinking I am all sweet, passive, loving and innocent. I’m not... at least not always.
Most of all I want to be as close to you/my safety as you will allow.

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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 09:49 PM
  #898
I told you not to ask
So if you ask and find the answer upsetting, that's on you
I warned you. I warned you about all of this.

What did you mean about what would happen if I took it off the table?
I don't know if I'm ready.
I'm angry

What if you feel ethically obligated to ask, even if you'll find the answer personally upsetting?
Then it is wrong of me. ****.

I want to want to agree to it.
Why do you want that so much?
(I think I know why.)
You'd feel safer talking about things when you know they aren't going to end with me doing that. I really want to be able to give you that. But I need an outlet. I need it for penance. I can't sit with the guilt and shame.
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 10:58 PM
  #899
Feedle dee dee my session is tomorrow.

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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 11:00 PM
  #900
Oh wait, I forgot. You'll probably want to dissect those texts I sent last week. I don't know about that. I think I'm maybe coming down with something and can't come to my session. Ok?

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