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Default Mar 11, 2019 at 06:38 PM
  #21
Had a good session with T today. He let me talk about what I was going through and experiencing after last session (my whole world unraveling) but we didn’t “do” anything with it, he just made space for it and then we moved on. More nurturing the inner infant/child today with a little more success than Thursday. He was excited to tell me how something I made and left with him as part of my process was used by someone in his group therapy session last week and how excited he was about what it brought out in different members of the group. And... at the end of the session he held my hand again, this time with both of his hands. He also let me know that when I am feeling resistant to our work it is OK to tell him or to push against it, resistance is part of the process and I don’t need to try and contain or avoid it... he isn’t going to label me as difficult or a problem client if I push back as we try new things or he challenges me. He seems concerned about the long time between this session and the next (he is out of town next week), so it is nice to know that it isn’t just me being needy.

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Default Mar 12, 2019 at 11:52 AM
  #22
He sounds really great!

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Default Mar 12, 2019 at 01:02 PM
  #23
Quote:
Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
He sounds really great!
After 20ish years of therapy with 8 or so different T’s... YES! He is totally awesome. This is the first time I have worked with a male T and I never in a million years would have guessed a male T would be more (appropriately) nurturing, sensitive, understanding and willing to meet my needs.

I spent the first 20 years of my life deathly afraid of men and the next 20 uneasy but OK. I am discovering with T that once I get past the fears of physical threats from a man I am MUCH more emotionally trusting of men. I trust women not to physically hurt me or take advantage of me but it is nearly impossible for me to emotionally trust a woman.

His biggest concern in taking me on as a client was that he would accidentally trigger my fear of men and I would run and terminate without talking to him about it. Now he has a hard time getting me out of his office 🤣.

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Default Mar 12, 2019 at 06:16 PM
  #24
I like your T. I am glad that you have a great T!
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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 07:07 AM
  #25
I miss reading about your awesome T, anything new happen?

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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 09:09 PM
  #26
Awesome T continues to be awesome. We have been kind of distracted as of late. He was out of town for a week and between my posts here and a google dive my image of him TOTALLY shifted... for the BETTER... and now I am trying to find balance with that and we have not made the space to discuss it. He has learned that the idea of me being lovingly touched as a child (in totally appropriate ways) is very frightening to me. But then my mind shifted to him holding baby me and I felt all yucky. He saw it right away and asked if I WANTED him to stop. He was SO gentle and he knew if he said needed I would say no, it wasn’t a need... so he said wanted. I was totally non-verbal by then so I nodded and he talked softly with me until I was grounded again and we could do some other stuff. Then last week T was distracted having come back from a week long trip then leaving againfor a wedding so a short week. He was distracted by a squirrel on his truck (not the one he drives but an old one out back)... he had restored it once but his daughter doesn’t want him to sell it. I reflected back to him all that he had just told me about himself and he looked shocked and sheepish... until I smiled and said how much I liked him being him and how it helped me be less afraid. He had to fix his cards too... someone else set them up they way they thought he wanted them based on how they know him (OCD)... but they weren’t intentionally messed up the way he does it... I laughed and smiled so big I hurt and when he got a little defensive I told him how much joy it brought me to see him not feeling like he had to filter or hide himself from me. He smiled. I brought him pictures of my family to go with the genogram he did along with my great aunts hand written cookbook. He was fascinated with the cookbook, ever so gently turning the pages and sharing about his mother who had handwriting similar to my great aunts and how good some of the dishes sounded... then I reminded them they were not part of his clean eating and he gave me that petulant child look and I just grinned and he laughed. Looking through the pictures he was amaized about how far back in my family I know and remember (I have vivid memories of three of my great grandmothers and one great grandfather) and I have memories from well before kindergarten (I’m 42). I showed him a picture of my second cousin who I have always admired... she is a stunning, all natural body builder... he got all school boy shy like I had just pulled out an adult magazine and I just laughed and laughed... I see her as her and never saw the picture as sexual but hubby agreed it is a little on the flirty side... anyway... it was cute to watch T blush and turn away... then look at me in shock when I told him she was his age! He remarked several times how attractive my family is... I responded with “yes, they look the all American, middle class, close knit family... not a bunch of abusers, alcoholics and druggies... but many of them are”. He was a little shocked that I called him out on the stereotype but again, we were both all smiles. I had a picture of my grandfather as a young adult in his “new ford”... my T is a car buff and lit up looking at the truck. I said what my grandmother told me and he corrected it like a little kid at Christmas with all the details and how he would love to get his hands on a truck like that. He then caught himself and looked at me sheepishly realizing he had gotten lost in his own joy... again to find me grinning and laughing at him, then I asked questions about the truck and we got to be normal... two people, sitting side by side getting to know eachother by flipping through old family pictures.
Then a week and a half to the next session and H decided to come. I gave T the heads up which he was thankful for but none of us knew what to expect. I told T I needed him to keep it as close to one of our normal sessions as possible so I wouldn’t trigger on stuff from my mom. He was wonderful. He put the chairs in sort of a triangle and sat in the middle so H and I had to face eachother. I could sit in either my usual spot (which T expected because I don’t like change and my usual spot has the easiest access to the door) or in T’s usual spot (which you can’t get to the door from without walking through everyone... you are kinda trapped in a corner). I would have been triggered seeing H in T’s spot so I took T’s spot and T looked at me with a BIG grin and touched my toe with the tip of his shoe. We joked about my first session and I joked about the view from his spot. T got to see me with someone other than him, he got to see me FAR less passive and submissive. So I think T knows now that I submit to him out of respect not fear. T cried at one point listening to the struggles we are having with my son. After the session H validated how authentic T is, how much he cares and how good he is with me. H went to smoke while I paid and scheduled which made T a little uneasy but I needed that time. T was a bit insecure about if the session was what I had needed it to be and had I gotten something out of it. It was cute. The session had been so different than what T expected his mind was spinning and he kept messing up the computer... then he forgot my hug. So I asked if I still got a hug this session and you could see him plunk back into his body, his face lit up that I was confident enough to ask and I got my hug.
I learned a lot about why he sits where he does... it is all mind reading/projection at this point but I am confident it is pretty accurate... when he looks as me sitting in his office he can also see beyond me (into future me symbolically) and out the window behind me (life beyond needing him) and he can see his work desk and remind himself that his job is to help me get beyond his office even though he truly cares about me as he would any friend or family member... he needs that reminder in the corner of his eye that this is professional even though his heart is just as much in it as if I were family or a friend. He also slipped and told my H that he had brought the project I had left him with him to a program in a different state and how much they admired it... he told me he used it in group (both pieces are more than likely true)... but... he brought me with him somewhere... somewhere I may go in the future... I know he couldn’t take it without thinking of me and now I know why it was so important for him to write down what it meant to me... he knew he was bringing it with him... and he used it where he went to help others so it is serving it’s purpose... now I just hope he will accept more similar gifts like it because I really got a lot out of making it but have no use for it once I finish it... unless I used it in session with him.
This last session when we hugged he brushed his cheek against mine. He is usually far too aware for something like that to happen by accident. I don’t know if it was because his mind was still spinning or if it was because of how scared I got a few sessions back when he just mentioned skin to skin contact (even though he has held my hand twice and I was very thankful both times)... I think it was intentional... to see if I would be triggered by “accidentally” experiencing it after it having been so hard to talk about that I had to stop. I was OK with it and he smiled.
It was neat watching T with H and watching how T regulated Hs emotions and anxieties to keep the session comfortable. I knew he did it with me but in being fully present to him I couldn’t figure out how... now I have seen it. Now I can be more forgiving of myself knowing that some of my off times are actually created by T to help me. I could see from a third party view that T understands that therapy is not always comfortable... however he will not allow someone to stay in an uncomfortable place long before he shifts things... he wants it to be as safe and comfortable as possible.

So... now I have a metaphor in my head of where I am with T and I am amaizingly uncomfortable with it but it is accurate... I don’t know if I could share it with him or not. It is a bit much so I will box it in the trigger warning.

Possible trigger:


Awesome T continues to be awesome.

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Default Apr 05, 2019 at 09:12 PM
  #27
Oh, and when ai told T H was coming T said he would not do couples counseling with us (but would provide a referral if needed) because...
“ I want to protect the trust and progress we have made in our individual work”
Don’t know what it is about that sentence but man it hit deep.

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Default Apr 06, 2019 at 06:30 AM
  #28
Another thing I *think* T is up to is reducing my emotional pain threshold. He mentioned the first session that I have an extremely high threshold for emotional pain. I didn’t respond. He likes doing the 1-10 scale thing. Second session when he asked me to pick an emotion I froze up on him but he got me to say my anxiety was a five... he cracked a joke, normalized everything and said “good, we have plenty of room to work” . That let me feel like he took my freezing seriously but he wasn’t scared or upset by it (other Ts have fired me). Since then the highest he has allowed my emotions to get in session would be a two. He also nixed my reading list
Possible trigger:
. I watched him bring Hs discomfort level down. Even when I was super vulnerable with him and scared it was intense but he asked about stopping when we hit the edge of 3.
So then I come here and see T’s letting or even making people super uncomfortable in session and letting them stay in that place all session or worse. It breaks my heart because I have been with those kinds of T’s... the ones that think they need to create more pain so that you can work through it or survive it and they call it therapy/healing. I am pretty sure my T would be appalled. I know I am. I know some keep themselves uncomfortable in therapy because that is how they stay feeling safe and I get that. But a T keeping someone uncomfortable? I think I will stick to Awesome T... that might even be his new nickname.

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Default Apr 08, 2019 at 09:22 PM
  #29
@DP_2017 here ya go!

Got to T’s office and came around the drive and his car wasn’t there! Three cars, none his and none in his spot. PANIC. I pull into a spot and a little convertible comes in right behind me and into his spot... he was running late and in his wife’s care... which is the same make as Fr.s car (T got major Fr transference from session one and it worked out really well for him).... then T gets out with a driving cap on... well guess who is the only other person I know who wears driving caps... yep... Fr... I die laughing... T finally gets past the Fr transference and gets to be himself and now this! T sees me laughing in my truck and doesn’t know what to think. So when we got up to his office I told him about the car and hat. He shared that it is his wife’s car but he used it because he has family in town and in listing the family he listed their dog. I stopped dead.”you don’t strike me as a pet person, certianly not an indoor pet person”... well, T knows I do rescue so he is seeing major rupture material here... but sheepishly admits that no, he is not an inside pet person... and they have hard wood floors throughout his house and his is NOT going to have the dog scratching them up so he is making the dog wear socks. I lost it! Totally. Lost. It. Then we talked about how chaotic things had been for him since, well, basically since I started working with him... and we got a good laugh.
So today T gave me lots of space to talk about random stuff coming up for me. He would rather I start seeing old Pdoc again (who I adore) than the other options I could come up with to help me with the anxiety and stuff from my son. We talked about how my mind races after our sessions and he suggested making a list... he laughed when I said I DID and I pulled up the email I sent him... but still couldn’t say half of them. We talked a little about the session with H. Apparently T was surprised that I allowed H into my safe place (T’s office) and that it didn’t have any negative impact on that space being safe. I let T know that if T can protect me from myself he can easily keep me safe with H. We worked some more on my time line to be able to continue the EMDR... and T was relieved to find the first glimmers of hope... a high school gym teacher. He wanted to close the session on something positive so we wrapped it up there... and then the awesomeness of awesome T came out!
We did our scheduling/payment thing and he stood up and opened his arms for a hug. I gladly moved in for my usual stiff hug. I am always paying super close attention to when he (anyone) gives a cue to let go. T moved his hands ever so slightly on my back and I let go and started to pull away but his hands stayed on my back so I paused. He very gently said he would like a longer hug if that would feel OK and I moved back into his arms. He asked if it felt safe and I said yes and then I melted... I totally melted. I didn’t have to worry about holding on too long and violating a boundary. I got to just relax and feel the hug... and I melted. Earlier in the session T had brought up the fact that I dissociate a lot and I agreed... well when I melted I think I became totally present to him for the first time... ok, to like anybody for the first time. And... now I can’t remember leaving his office or even looking at him after the hug... so back to normal dissociative me.

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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 06:33 AM
  #30
I very much enjoyed this entertaining write-up, especially the transference part. And the dog with socks in his house--poor thing, it probably is freaking out. I have wood floors and the only creatures who have worn or scratched the floors are the humans, the dog does not. But what pinged for me in most emotionally in your story was your response to T not being a dog person, or "inside pet" person. It's not my thing to have pets live outside and I grew up with a dog and multiple cats, and continue to have a dog and multiple cats plus fish tanks. And I have to say my reaction to my T not wanting pets, especially his dumb@ss reason, was a little disheartening. It's definitely the thing about his life that has caused me the most reaction (everything else he's shared has registered in the "so what?" category for me). It was a good reminder that I can appreciate others as people even when I don't care for not necessarily their choices but their underlying principles, which are also none of my business but which nonetheless impact me even though I'd like to pretend they don't. Although I don't relate to the experience of bringing my spouse to therapy or hugging my therapist, I appreciated understanding how these things are positive for you, I'm glad you found such a good fit for a T.
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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 06:43 AM
  #31
Well, T seemed to be expecting an email this morning... hmm... wonder why LOL. He had one thanking him for the hug and letting him know how I experienced it. He wished me a peaceful week (something I know he is not going to have... not in a bad way, just not peaceful).
He keeps wanting me to journal and it isn’t working... I think I am going to “journal” in fabric and work on some quilts and table runners and see if that will work.
T is wanting so badly to be good enough dad... I hope he hears how well he is doing from the rambling messes I send him.

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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 06:05 PM
  #32
Seems like this thread is a sort of journal, no?

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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 11:23 AM
  #33
Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
Seems like this thread is a sort of journal, no?
Yes, and an attempt to cut back on at least one kind of email I send T.

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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 10:43 PM
  #34
Hey whatever works for you. More power to you.

I don't mind reading the posts. They sometimes make me smile.

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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 11:27 PM
  #35
T called me out on disassociating last session before the amaizing hug, then I remembered him saying if I wasn’t present in session I would not be able to recieve all he is offering me. I sent an email asking him what I needed to do to be more present with him in session, I wanted to feel that connection again. He responded enthusiastically reminding me to breathe and stay grounded. It was clear he was proud of me and excited... but now all I want to do is cry and beat myself up for not appreciating his supportive reply. I know I am mad at myself for sending it as an email. I can’t be present to him through email, it needs to be face to face for that connection to happen but I was so excited about “getting it” that I was miserable trying to wait. I hope this needy phase doesn’t last much longer.

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Default Apr 11, 2019 at 09:39 AM
  #36
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Originally Posted by Omers View Post
I can’t be present to him through email, it needs to be face to face for that connection to happen but I was so excited about “getting it” that I was miserable trying to wait. I hope this needy phase doesn’t last much longer.
It seems to me that this is a good use of email and the "needy" label on yourself may be a distortion for the situation. You asked a very specific question about how to do something in session, he gave you a helpful reply, and you know what you need to do in session, which makes it more likely you will be able to stay grounded. Smart, not needy, IMO.
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