How can one have both erotic and paternal transference for their therapist?

Merope · Mar 10, 2019 at 01:13 PM

Can someone please explain this to me? I’m kind of struggling at the moment with the realisation that I’m a little bit in love with my T. I’ve spent the last year acting like a little girl in therapy, eager to please dad. And then just like that and seemingly out of nowhere, BAM, I started fantasising about sleeping with him. But even then, the paternal transference doesn’t go away...it just entwines with the erotic one.

Omers · Mar 10, 2019 at 01:27 PM

Just a guess but...
It is a sign of growth. The dad needs are becoming fulfilled and now you are starting to transition to transference about adult needs... unfortunately, at this moment in time the needs are overlapping making things even more awkward than just normal transference?

Elio · Mar 10, 2019 at 01:41 PM

Don't know how it happens, I know with my maternal transference, it will trickle into erotic/romantic from time to time. Whenever hurt or sad, I return to maternal.

I sometimes wonder about this in terms of childhood development in relationship to parental relationships.

DP_2017 · Mar 10, 2019 at 02:07 PM

I never experienced paternal feelings but I did have strong friend feelings that at times crossed with sexual, although sexual was moreso after he left

Anyway, it's common though this happens. I just wanted to say that this post will probably be moved to the romantic part of the forum in case you go looking and can't find it

I can imagine this is confusing and frustrating.

Merope · Mar 10, 2019 at 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omers

Just a guess but...
It is a sign of growth. The dad needs are becoming fulfilled and now you are starting to transition to transference about adult needs... unfortunately, at this moment in time the needs are overlapping making things even more awkward than just normal transference?

Thank you, this makes sense. I never thought of that before...that the parental needs are being met and maybe that is why I'm moving on to more "adult" needs now. It took me about eight months to tell him I see him as a father figure...I don't think I'll be bringing up the erotic stuff anytime soon.

Merope · Mar 10, 2019 at 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elio

Don't know how it happens, I know with my maternal transference, it will trickle into erotic/romantic from time to time. Whenever hurt or sad, I return to maternal.

I sometimes wonder about this in terms of childhood development in relationship to parental relationships.

Thanks for this! I noticed it too...that when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, the child part comes out and the paternal transference peaks, whereas when I'm feeling a bit more in control, it turns into erotic.

It might be time to see what Freud has to say....

DP_2017 · Mar 10, 2019 at 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merope

.I don't think I'll be bringing up the erotic stuff anytime soon.

I say it's a good call. Not every therapist handles this sort of stuff well, sometimes they refer people out etc.

If it gets to a point where it feels too intense you could try a consult with another therapist for a session or two, just to discuss it with someone else, or you can ask your T, what types of things they refer people for etc

Merope · Mar 10, 2019 at 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I never experienced paternal feelings but I did have strong friend feelings that at times crossed with sexual, although sexual was moreso after he left

Anyway, it's common though this happens. I just wanted to say that this post will probably be moved to the romantic part of the forum in case you go looking and can't find it

I can imagine this is confusing and frustrating.

Thank you, DP! It definitely is common and i've read about it before....but you're right, it can be both confusing and frustrating especially when I can't make my mind up in regards to what I want from him. Not that i'm planning to act on any of this...I just mean in terms of the session dynamics.

Merope · Mar 10, 2019 at 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I say it's a good call. Not every therapist handles this sort of stuff well, sometimes they refer people out etc.

If it gets to a point where it feels too intense you could try a consult with another therapist for a session or two, just to discuss it with someone else, or you can ask your T, what types of things they refer people for etc

Yeah, I'm definitely not taking any chances there!

Merope · Mar 10, 2019 at 02:40 PM

I also wonder how much of it is normal and how much is...you know, something else. i'm sure therapists get like this too...where they imagine some of their clients in more...err...intimate scenarios without necessarily having a crush on them. Imagining someone in the shower, for instance, or on the loo. Or, you know, in bed with them because why not? At what point in the transference "normal" and at what point does it become something else?

EDIT TO ADD: And what of self-disclosure or finding stuff out? Little bits of personal information that you stumble upon on the net or because they tell you stuff? What if it's those little bits that make you love them (romantically or not)? Is it still transference or do you cross over into new territory?

Thalassophile · Mar 10, 2019 at 04:06 PM

I think it's a combination of everything. IMO ET can stem from adult feelings based on the here and now but also stem from needs not met/feelings that occurred in childhood years, usually a preverbal time period when a child wasn't able to use words to describe their needs. The paternal part is often there too partly from childhood stuff and partly because here you are sitting in a room with someone whose job it is to help you. I.e take care of you in different ways. That kind of environment is likely to evoke paternal/maternal feelings especially in those whose needs weren't met as a childhood. These are just some of my thoughts on it obviously may or may not have any truth to them so take with a pinch of salt.

LonesomeTonight · Mar 10, 2019 at 04:30 PM

I had both for ex-MC. Sometimes one element was stronger, sometimes another. Ex-MC said it’s not unusual to feel both. How we only have one word for “love” that means both paternal/family and romantic love. And there’s lots of overlap. I think also, as an adult, if you’re having feelings of longing for another adult, even if it’s mostly paternal/maternal, that your brain can interpret it as more romantic/erotic love.

TeaVicar? · Mar 10, 2019 at 04:34 PM

It's as old as the hills... definitely as old as therapy itself. It's often a very healthy progression in therapy.

I've had fatherly sex fantasies for as long as I can remember, so that **** doesn't phase me. Most of how we relate to others and the relationship patterns we form, stem from our relationship with our parents. So it's a good idea to look there first.

I think it's a complicated mix of many things - could be symbolic of your desire to work together. Could be he's hot. Could be nice to have a man actually listen for longer than 5 minutes, without interrupting.

You should talk to him about it though because there's no point in hiding stuff in your therapy... it's for you after all. And it won't magically go away. Most therapists will be fine with it and respond in a kind empathetic way. Unfortunately not all are great with the working through bit.

Mar 10, 2019 at 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merope

I also wonder how much of it is normal and how much is...you know, something else. i'm sure therapists get like this too...where they imagine some of their clients in more...err...intimate scenarios without necessarily having a crush on them. Imagining someone in the shower, for instance, or on the loo. Or, you know, in bed with them because why not? At what point in the transference "normal" and at what point does it become something else?

EDIT TO ADD: And what of self-disclosure or finding stuff out? Little bits of personal information that you stumble upon on the net or because they tell you stuff? What if it's those little bits that make you love them (romantically or not)? Is it still transference or do you cross over into new territory?

I feel that there is a really distinct difference that I recognize in terms of my feelings of wanting from T what I haven't had in my life (transference) vs the real time, adult love and attraction for her just because of what I see in her as a human being.

It seems that everything is always categorized under transference, and this (in my humble opinion) devalues the possibility that we could just have love for another person because they're a great person.

Waterloo12345 · Mar 10, 2019 at 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omers

Just a guess but...
It is a sign of growth. The dad needs are becoming fulfilled and now you are starting to transition to transference about adult needs... unfortunately, at this moment in time the needs are overlapping making things even more awkward than just normal transference?

This is what happened to me with my ex doc. He was fine with the parental transference but not the romantic transference. It was particularly annoying as the dad needs were like almost fulfilled and then he transferred me. was like arggggghhhh. I was almost there!

Mar 10, 2019 at 08:50 PM

The way I understand it is feeling child feelings with an adult body.

Rive1976 · Mar 10, 2019 at 09:09 PM

My erotic and parental (not my parents but caregivers) desires/needs have always been linked as far I can remember back to feeling that age 8 for me. I dont know why so I cant help you with that. I assume it has something to do with Freud's theories. Or maybe abuse by ones parents. That is just my uneducated opionion though.

Waterloo12345 · Mar 11, 2019 at 04:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by octoberful

The way I understand it is feeling child feelings with an adult body.

I agree with this and my parental transference sometimes manifested itself like that. But also I moved on to a more adult part of me loved him. So for me both. Fun times.

MoxieDoxie · Mar 11, 2019 at 05:24 AM

When a child part is out or when I am in an emotional flashback I have paternal transference to him. When a teenage part is out I have erotic transference to him. When my best adult self is finally in the drivers seat and that is far a few between, I just enjoy him as a kind hearted human being that helps me and I would enjoy having a regular friendship with.

junkDNA · Mar 11, 2019 at 10:26 AM

I'm in the same boat. my t said its understandable and even expected in my case. he normalized it for me so that helps

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How can one have both erotic and paternal transference for their therapist?

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Elio ............... Member Since Sep 2006 Location: in my head Posts: 2,911 17 8,779 hugs given	Mar 10, 2019 at 01:41 PM #3 Don't know how it happens, I know with my maternal transference, it will trickle into erotic/romantic from time to time. Whenever hurt or sad, I return to maternal. I sometimes wonder about this in terms of childhood development in relationship to parental relationships.
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Anonymous56789 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 10, 2019 at 08:50 PM #16 The way I understand it is feeling child feelings with an adult body.
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Rive1976 Grand Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: USA Posts: 1,740 6 144 hugs given	Mar 10, 2019 at 09:09 PM #17 My erotic and parental (not my parents but caregivers) desires/needs have always been linked as far I can remember back to feeling that age 8 for me. I dont know why so I cant help you with that. I assume it has something to do with Freud's theories. Or maybe abuse by ones parents. That is just my uneducated opionion though.
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junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Mar 11, 2019 at 10:26 AM #20 I'm in the same boat. my t said its understandable and even expected in my case. he normalized it for me so that helps __________________
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