Please help with reasons NOT to skip

I apologize for this never ending theme. I struggle with ambivalence about therapy with part of me feeling intrigued and curious about it all and another part of me feeling skeptical about therapy and my therapist. About a month ago I sent a termination email to my T right after he left for vacation and I truly believed that’s what I wanted. But then over the next week while he was away I changed my mind. Now I have an upcoming vacation which I am really looking forward to but I am immensely tempted not to go to my one appointment before my vacation. My reasons include the fact that I sent a couple of emotional emails over the weekend that I don’t know if I want to deal with right now. He always normalizes whatever I say in my emails, but I wouldn’t mind just letting all the emotional drama fade away during my vacation and then start fresh when I return. Besides that, whatever I was feeling over the weekend may have passed. I also feel like I’ve started not thinking about him and the disruption in our therapy schedule and not showing up would allow me to continue that process. If I go, I’m a little worried things might get stirred up right before my vacation and I don’t want that. For whatever it’s worth even though I talk about skipping, I rarely do. I have plenty of reasons for skipping, and I’m wondering if you can help with reasons NOT to skip this one time.

Well no one can make the choice but you. Sometimes a break is helpful and it's ok

However

I found the days I wanted to skip and the times when I wanted to quit but went anyway, ended up being the best sessions.

Lrad123... Everyone is different Lard123. Only you can decide if missing this one event is okay or not. Personally I never miss my appointments for they make me stronger! It's chance to restore and invigorate me. It helps me to see issues I gave in a new light and gives me alternatives to choose from.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

Raven

I contemplated skipping the session before his vacation about a month ago and ended up wishing I had. I had sort of already started tuning him out and going ended up making me feel worse. I am very responsible so skipping feels like a big deal, but in this instance it might be ok.

My questions are:

Would you really be able to forget about the emails or are you going to stress out about the emails over your vacations?

You think you want to skip it now but the day after your scheduled appointment will you regret not seeing T?

Could you talk to him either before or T least at the beginning of the appointment about keeping it lighter so as to not stir up to much right before your vacation. I have told Ts this before breaks or holidays and they are agreeable. So we keep it lighter.

I know, for me, I would regret cancelling and it would negatively effect my vacation.

Honestly I think you need to make a decision whether to commit to therapy or not. All this back and forth and being in and then out is only halting any progress you could be making.

For me this is all part of lrad's therapy progress. She's fighting the fears of opening up of discoving what there's, of exchanging the known and comfortable with the unknown and hard.

I say go cause, as I said to my t today, when she asked me if I wanted to come, I said I didn't positively want to come but I have that for a load of things and it's right to do them anyway.

Also seems you're running away from the emotions in those two emails.

Maybe so. The thought of going makes me feel almost sick to my stomach although I won’t be able to explain why which is tough and might make me feel worse. And I agree that this ambivalence or “back & forth” has been the main thing my therapy is all about even though it’s not why I initially came to therapy. I’m also not looking forward to the same old discussion about ambivalence. Yep, 17 months later and it’s still there. My T must be so tired of it. It’s messy.

I’ve been committed in the sense that although I complain of my struggles about showing up to my sessions on this board and occasionally with my T, I pretty much always show up. Going feels almost threatening to me for some strange reason, yet I go because I made a commitment to myself a while ago that I would show up even if it’s uncomfortable because I believe that there may be something good in this. I’ve rearranged my work schedule (no small feat) in order to go twice/week. I can see how it looks like I’m not committed, but a way I think I’ve been quite committed.

I think it's okay to skip a session now and again, although I never have personally. I think I would, if it were me, go to the session and just ask that it be kept lighter due to upcoming vacation. HUGS whichever way you decide. Kit

I think it is ok to skip a session or two if you are not avoiding something. Sometimes i want to skip my session but i do go and it turned out to be much better then i thought it would be. Vacations are hard between sessions, only you know whats best for you hugs

So I think the fact that you are even posting this means that there is a part of you that wants to go. I would recommend that you keep your appointment because, in my experience anyway, cancelling when I am conflicted about it just leads to regret.

Not trying to scare you or anything either but just because life in general is unpredictable and one never knows what tomorrow brings....

My BIGGEST regret since my T left, is choosing to avoid talking about an email I sent before our last session. All those un-answered things, the act that he ASKED me to talk about it several times and I opted out, I'm not saying you have to go, that's your call, but at some point, really bring up the emails, even if its scary. Regrets are no fun to live with

I have had the same internal struggle on and off dir the last few years and pretty much constantly for the last 9 months. It is hard. I use to discuss it with T whenever the thoughts were more intense. Usually it was because there was something really difficult in my personal life that I wanted to avoid talking to T about. There were also a few times where I wanted to cancel because we had had a misunderstanding and I was upset. They ended up being good appointments.

I find myself always want to quit now because of the grief or fear of attachment. We are also digging way deeper than T and I dis which is really painful especially since T isnt here to be my safety net.

You can skip the session if you really want to.

You can also go and explain to T that you don't want to stir things up right before your break. He can't force you to talk about a topic you don't want to talk about.

At the end of the day, make a decision you won't regret afterwards.

Everyone says this, but it hasn’t been the case for me. I would totally go if I thought it could be a good session. It’s such a gamble though.

This is very true. I’m ambivalent about therapy. It feels like a big tug-of-war with half of me really wanting to go and the other half wanting to run. I think I’d feel better if I was decisive one way or the other.

Lrad it seems like you often feel more than one way about going to therapy. Whether its the email situation or going away you seem to swing to not going at all to wanting to go. I think its good for your wellbeing to just make a choice and stick with it. The uncertainty and indecision can cause a lot of stress.

Is this a feeling you always have about therapy or are there times that you feel 100% all in? I have a lot of times that I want to run and a few times I have tried but I always go back. That feeling to run is suuuuuper powerful. I usually get it when I'm getting close to something and it scares me OR if I am feeling at all vulnerable because vulnerability=danger. So my question would be this: do you want to skip because you're feeling uncomfortable with a feeling that is coming up from therapy or do you want to skip because you feel like your T is not helpful and you haven't made any progress?

Right now it’s about feeling uncomfortable. For sure vulnerability=danger. This, in turn, can make me feel angry and doubtful about therapy.