Can I ask for this?

I don't want my T to ask me if I've self harmed. I don't really want to talk about self harm at all. Would it be completely dumb and unreasonable for me to not answer that question? Maybe I could just pretend I didn't hear her and say something to distract her. Would that work? Do you think she'll call me on it if I do that?

Its your therapy. You have the right to talk about whatever you want. If it's not a subject you want to approach at this time, I would just tell your T it's something you're not comfortable addressing right now. That would be way less awkward and far more productive than just avoiding the question if it comes up.

I don't know if she'll accept that I won't answer a direct, yes/no question about it... I guess my (stupid) idea was so that she couldn't tell me not talking about it wasn't going to work.

I agree with Piggy Momma. If she pushes you to answer, I'd say something like, "I'm really not comfortable talking about this right now. Could you please respect that boundary?"

She may still push. At that point, you can either - consider a good opportunity to practice enforcing boundaries (which is not fun for most of us, but T is probably a good place to practice it) or steer the direction towards the concept of boundaries, and ask her why she thinks it's OK to run over a boundary you've put in place.

All that aside, how long have you been seeing this T? I'm not meaning to push (sorry) - but I also want you to be safe (*hugs*) and if you're self-harming, I'm hoping that you can get to a good enough place with your T to talk to him/her about it, and let them help you. If this isn't the right T for that... I hope you can find one who can be compassionate and helpful, and not make you want to hide!

(But I get it. Last T wanted to know about my self-harm history, and I really couldn't talk about even the basics... and that was something that wasn't currently happening. It was just like, "nope! Not going there!" *sigh* - Life is hard!)

Yeah... the thing is, I can talk to her about it. She's not judgemental or anything. I just don't want to talk about it because I don't feel like stopping at the moment. I don't think she realizes how often I've been doing it, because I never self report.

...so yeah... This is totally about me trying to protect my negative coping skill and not about her as a T. The reason I'm not sure if she would agree to not talk about it is because I did something pretty bad a month ago, didn't tell her, but she found out and was shown a picture of it.

Ah, I get it... I'm sorry. When I was self-harming, I felt very strongly that it was *mine* - and I didn't want anyone to try to take it away from me.

No good advice here, but I hope things get better for you. I never really had the chance to talk to any of the old Ts about that idea, because I was afraid they wouldn't understand it (i.e. the idea that I didn't want them trying to take away my negative coping skill). It might be worth talking about that - even if you do it without telling her about the recent self-harm (i.e. in a more hypothetical way, maybe referencing the past incident that she found out about), but I honestly don't know how that conversation would even go...

*hugs*

Thanks, guilloche. I think I'm probably being ridiculous and this is doomed for failure. She didn't really insist on talking about it until I ****ed up last month, then she said it was something we needed to talk about.

My T would want to know but his stronger feeling would be to for me to wait until I felt comfortable telling him. While it would pain him to know I was doing it if I told T I was not ready to stop he would honor that as well.

I think she has just learned that I won't tell her unless she asks me. I don't think that will ever change because it has nothing to do with trusting her or being comfortable with her for me. I just don't like disclosing, period.

You can set whatever boundary you want. She can't make you do anything.

Likewise she can set any boundary she wants. You can't make her do (or not do) anything.

Worst case scenario would be that she is unwilling to accept or respect your boundary and you choose not to alter your stance, and she gives you an ultimatum about not continuing therapy with you.

Regardless, you alone can choose what you will or will not discuss.

Maybe this is something you should work with her on: why you don't want to stop. I think you know this is unhealthy. I might be wrong, but I assume that you at some point would like to stop. I used to SH. For a long time I didn't want to stop, but I knew I didn't want to depend on it forever. It helped to talk about it in depth. But like the others have said: if you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to.

I had a long streak - more than 8 years - where I didn't SH. I would like to get back there. I just felt so much better then, and I didn't feel the urge. My antidepressant has stopped working since then, and I also had some major life changes that destabilized me. I've regressed a lot.

I am just scared that I will feel even worse if I stop.

Yes, I realize this. That's why my mind went to evading the issue instead of telling her I won't talk about it. I don't exactly have a boundary about this. I just don't want to do it.

Yikes, I don't want her to terminate me. Like I said, I don't know that I have a boundary about this exactly. If I do, it's not a hard one. I just don't like talking about it. I definitely wouldn't opt to stop working with her over this. She's a good T and she's been very helpful to me. I may not want to stop the SH at the moment, but I'm not so unwell that I would choose secrecy on this topic over receiving help. I guess that's something...

My session is in 45 minutes. I feel sick. I don't know what I'm going to do if she brings it up or asks me about it. I have a sinking feeling that she won't let me get away with acting like she didn't ask. I'm really having issues with dissociating today due to unrelated stuff. Maybe that's where my anxiety is coming from and I'm just displacing onto this so I don't have to think about it. I have problems with avoidance, and the fear I'm feeling right now is completely irrational.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. You deserve so much better in your life. I wish you could accept it.

She didn't ask me - not directly anyway. But do I feel relieved? Not really. At one point she said maybe I feel like SH is less available to me right now because she's been talking to me about it. She got this idea from me saying that the first time I stopped - more than a decade ago - was in large part because I didn't like being scrutinized about it. I told her about how the group home owner made me fill out these SH logs that I had to bring to my therapist every session. She is right that it feels less available, however, not to the extent that it was back then - especially since it appears that she thinks I will be forthcoming (maybe? Or maybe she doesn't need to know?). But I feel guilty because it seems like I should have confessed that I SH'ed since our last appointment... as if I lied by omission. I guess? I'm not sure if she thinks I'm now going to tell her when I do it or not since she found out from someone else last time. I don't even know if she thinks that's necessary. But after she said the thing about SH, we had a very long silence that lasted ages. I had the opportunity and I sat there like an asshole.

Ugh. I feel rotten. And I think I'm realizing that I'm stuck in a situation with this that I can't get out of. I will feel bad no matter what I do. I also feel like crap because she offered me some self disclosures today, and I didn't even disclose what I'd done.

HUGS Fille_folle

Look, at the end of the day SH is a coping mechanism to regulate emotions. Regulating emotions is a skill that is crucial to functional living. To stop SH, you need to replace it with other (preferably healthier!) ways of self regulating.

It's not something you need to be ashamed about. And obviously it's not something that anyone should have to give up cold turkey. It requires building up other coping mechanisms first. It won't do you any good at all to leave yourself dangling off the edge of a cliff. No wonder you want to hold on to it and are terrified of letting it go - it's your only lifeline! I hope you can have some self compassion with this. It makes sense why you are so reluctant to disclose about it.

Maybe instead of focusing on 'fessing up' to self harm you and T could work on developing other coping skills to self regulate. The more you develop those, the less hold self harm will have over you, and you won't need to clutch on to that rope so tightly. When you don't need to protect yourself in that way so much, it might become easier to have discussion about it.

There is a very powerful neurological reason this is so hard for you. It's about survival. We human beings protect our survival at all costs. I really do think it will be easier for you once you develop other self regulation skills to help you get through the hard times.

I texted her and confessed (I told her she didn't need to reply. I feel like an asshole for texting her about this at all, especially on the weekend). I know she's read it. For some reason, I thought this would end my rumination spiral. Boy, was I wrong. Now I can't stop thinking about how she must be really angry with me for lying and also for texting her about it.

And I can't find my inhaler and I really need it...

You can try. From my experience it does not work. Once I tried to avoid a question (dont remember what) so she asked again. I asked to change the subject. She responded we could change the subject but by asking to do so I was answering her question.