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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 01:28 AM
  #1
My T changed a boundary and took away something from me. We talked about it extensively, but this is the way it has to be from now on, she says. While I understand her reasons for doing so, I’ve been struggling. Sometimes I think I’m okay with it and have accepted it. But I’ve noticed that since this has happened, any tiny little hiccup between me and T (like her changing our appt time one week, for example), and I find myself in tears, panicking, basically freaking out in a way that’s unusual for me. This has happened multiple times now. I don’t know what to do. I logically and rationally trust my T, but I figure my trust deep down must be broken for me to keep reacting like this. T has already tried to help me in a few ways with feeling more secure, so I don’t want to tell her that I’m struggling yet again. She doesn’t seem to realize what a huge impact this has had on me. But I’m completely miserable since this has happened. It feels like it’s tainting everything.
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 01:55 AM
  #2
I think you need to keep telling her the impact on you and she needs to keep listening and understanding. Boundary changes are a huge deal to many clients with attachment difficulties (me included) so if she makes a decision like that it's her job to help you through it.
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 05:00 AM
  #3
Would you mind sharing what it is that was taken away or changed?

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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 07:27 AM
  #4
I hate when therapists do this. Especially suddenly, even though, I know in time, they likely all will... but it's usually something that becomes mutual choice.

I am sorry this happened to you. I'd suggest talking about how it made you feel

Mine did this to me. After constantly saying he never would...without talking about it. I didn't realized his version of that means "Me telling you it's changing" and it was hard for sure but I got used to it. Things were still ok with us.

Talking about it helps though.

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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 09:06 AM
  #5
changing boundaries with T when something we relied on is taken away is hard. Is there something T can help put in place to replace what is now gone? Like if you can no longer email between sessions could you now journal and check in with the journal at the start of each session? I mention email because I am pretty sure my T is thinking about changing his email boundary with me. He has stated from the beginning that he prefers we not use it, that we call instead. My T is working on it gradually though. He warned me that he would be responding to my emails less often and not as quickly... but I can always call. He also lets me know why which helps. His email is not confidential, he misses too much information in written form (things he can hear in a persons voice) and he sees it as distancing from real contact with him. He is also waiting on the timing of introducing it. He didn’t want to ask me to reach out to him in a way that is uncomfortable for me (phone) until we had gone through some uncomfortable things in session so that I know he will help me through both the discomfort of calling as well as what ever else is bothering me. I have not been able to call so he knows I am not feeling safe enough with the phone yet so taking away email would close a door between us.
If it was a situation he could not be so gentle with and take his time he would expect it to deeply undermine my trust and feeling of safety with him no matter how irrational I knew it to be. So, basically he would know we would go back to the level of fear I had our first session or worse. He wouldn’t keep rehashing the why, or allow me to keep rehashing the why. We would spend a LOT of time talking about the feelings it brought up and other times I have had those feelings.

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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 02:35 PM
  #6
I'm sorry you're in such pain. One thing I do seem to notice is a trend in your posts is that you seem to believe your T is responsible for your emotions and that her behavior needs to be defined by not upsetting you. For example, you state that she doesn't realize what a big impact the changed boundary has had on you. I wonder if the reason you think this is that she hasn't reverted to the way things originally were. She can both recognize the effects while also maintaining the boundary she has set. I am not making this observation to say that your feelings are invalid or that your T is "right" and you are "wrong." The reason that I mention it is that it doesn't seem like this way of looking at things is very helpful to you. The implicit assumption with such thinking is that your T must not care about you because there are limits to what she is willing to do in order to not upset you. If that is what you base your feelings of security in relationships on, it seems like something worth addressing.

Perhaps you can find a way forward by exploring this sort of implicit belief with her.
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 06:34 PM
  #7
Not promoting Richard grannon or Sam vaknin but I found their YouTube uploads in last couple days interesting around this issue of a therapists function in making the client “feel better” -
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Default Mar 16, 2019 at 08:27 PM
  #8
For me this kind of shaming, punitive, disempowering dynamic does not bring to mind healthy relationships... more so vaguely exploitive relationships.

It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to spin this kind of thing as helpful the client rather than harmful. Boundaries serve therapists.
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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 04:31 AM
  #9
BudFox- not sure if your post was in response to mine re Richard grannon and Sam vaknin or was nothing to do with it at all- but in case I wasn’t clear- I’m not supporting their perspective I just found it “interesting”
I’m not a fan of psychotherapy and am currently suffering the fallout of boundary changes/crossings and the general “throw the client under the bus and ignore” technique -ignoring/silent treatment done “professionally “ and repeatedly in face to face /email/txt has to be one of the cruellest techniques they’re paid to perfect-I feel for OP
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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 06:19 AM
  #10
Perhaps it would be helpful, if conversations to talk about this have failed (it's not clear to me from your post how much you've shared with your T), to see another T or to quit therapy. Therapy shouldn't be a thing that tortures you, and it is a choice to walk away from that.
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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 07:31 AM
  #11
I think if we have more information regarding what boundaries you were talking about we could comment more specifically.

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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 07:36 AM
  #12
I doubt the OP wanted people to comment specifically (specifics often seem to lead to others shaming and blaming the poster or giving unwanted and unsolicited advice ) but rather more wanted to talk about their experience, feelings, and pehaps have people empathize.

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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 11:59 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by stopdog View Post
I doubt the OP wanted people to comment specifically (specifics often seem to lead to others shaming and blaming the poster or giving unwanted and unsolicited advice ) but rather more wanted to talk about their experience, feelings, and pehaps have people empathize.
I don’t plan on blaming anyone. I was just trying to understand what kind of boundaries we were talking about. It could be something like no more emails or something more serious like not being allowed to talk about certain things or subjects.

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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 12:20 PM
  #14
Depending upon the person involved - any change can be devastating. Emails can be just as "serious" as anything else. The boundary itself does not matter in terms of the feelings the change evokes.

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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 12:25 PM
  #15
When I started therapy T said texts were ok and so were emails but she didn't respond. Then about 6 months in she said she had been reading a lot of information about privacy and now those things were not ok. We don't email much (4 - 6 emails over 2 years) and do sometimes text but 90% scheduling

Even though I don't use these methods for much personal, when she changed them it felt like a lot of trust became unstuck. It took about another 6 monthes before we were back where we were before. (A lot of issues came from ex t 1 and 2 and how they treated communication) Now we are both fully comfortable again. A boundary change can be overcome but I think you should be honest about how affected you are

Also I don't think you need to share more. I hear you.
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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 12:41 PM
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BudFox- not sure if your post was in response to mine re Richard grannon and Sam vaknin or was nothing to do with it at all- but in case I wasn’t clear- I’m not supporting their perspective I just found it “interesting”
I’m not a fan of psychotherapy and am currently suffering the fallout of boundary changes/crossings and the general “throw the client under the bus and ignore” technique -ignoring/silent treatment done “professionally “ and repeatedly in face to face /email/txt has to be one of the cruellest techniques they’re paid to perfect-I feel for OP
No I was just commenting on the original post. I have watched Grannon and Vaknin videos in the past. I recall both making some valid points, but i can no longer tolerate gasbags who think they understand life better than others.

I have not had a therapist take away privileges as OP describes, but did have a therapist dictate boundaries to me like i was a toddler. That therapist eventually threw me under the bus, and then ignored my attempts to continue dialog (silent treatment).

Ironic that these supposedly healing relationships have so many features of abusive and co-dependent relationships.
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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 01:26 PM
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Depending upon the person involved - any change can be devastating. Emails can be just as "serious" as anything else. The boundary itself does not matter in terms of the feelings the change evokes.
I feel like your intent is just to correct everything I say. I'm sorry if I implied that emails were less serious than not being able to talk about a certain subjects because it's not what I meant. All I was saying is that context helps me but I certainly do not want to force the OP to give context that they are not comfortable with giving.

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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 06:27 PM
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I feel like your intent is just to correct everything I say. I'm sorry if I implied that emails were less serious than not being able to talk about a certain subjects because it's not what I meant. All I was saying is that context helps me but I certainly do not want to force the OP to give context that they are not comfortable with giving.
It's ok to ask a question. People can respond if/what they are comfortable responding.
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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 06:38 PM
  #19
I don't think one can force an anonymous poster to give details.

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Default Mar 17, 2019 at 09:49 PM
  #20
Hi everyone. Thank you SO much for your responses. I can’t tell you how much they mean to me and how helpful they are to me, as I’m really struggling with this issue and have been finding it so painful.
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