Going to see doc this week

I have been asking my T for some time to increase my sessions, and he will not. He says I don't need it. He says that because he doesn't know everything, because if I talk about suicide too much he will let me go, so I don't talk about it.

I finally made an appointment with my family doctor for this week. I am thinking of taking six months off work on disability leave, and then doing a graduated return to work over the following six months. I have been on leave four times before, so I do have mental health history with my insurer.

I wrote my insurance company a two page letter in response to their question "how does your disability prevent you from working?". I gave it to T to read and he doesn't think I need to go off. The thing is, I deleted the paragraphs that all talk about how suicidal I am in his copy. My doctor is getting the original copy with all the details.

I just feel like something in my life is not working and change needs to happen. The longest I've been off before is three months. After I was hospitalized last year I only took eight weeks. I came back to work way too soon and now I'm paying for it.

I don't know how things are going to go if my doctor signs me off and I have to explain to T. I might just tell him I wanted a second opinion (which I'm entitled to) and this is what my doctor felt would be best, and then hope for the best with him. I feel like nothing I do is right anyway so I may as well do what I think I need most.

You need to find another T. If my T fired me for talking about suicide or being suicidal I would never have a T. I see him twice a week. I see you are in Canada so I not know how much of a chose you have to for getting a different therapist. Not having work to go to would make me feel worse as work for me is a distraction from my thoughts, gives me purpose and freedom as I have an income.

Since I'm not covered by any insurance I am free to see anyone I want for therapy. The thing is, I only work part time and can't afford someone who charges the standard rate of $200/hr. I know this T isn't the best fit in terms of being able to meet my needs, but it's all I can afford and despite him being harsh, I do really like him. If I don't see him, I will have no one.

I just feel so lost and confused.

I think it's smart to follow your instinct that you need to make change to change your life. With your T and doctor, you can tell your T you wanted your doctor's opinion, doesn't have to be a "second" one. Sounds like the two of you conflict on a regular basis so this shouldn't be a surprise. I think doctors see people who need to be on disability more than private therapists do.

I hope it works out for you and you are able to get what you want from it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by piggy momma I have been asking my T for some time to increase my sessions, and he will not. He says I don't need it. He says that because he doesn't know everything, because if I talk about suicide too much he will let me go, so I don't talk about it.

I know you said you can't afford another therapist however I really think it's in your best interest to consider it. What kind of therapist refuses to talk about suicidal ideation's or feelings with their client? What kind of therapist would impede your need for taking time off of work?

Quote:

I finally made an appointment with my family doctor for this week. I am thinking of taking six months off work on disability leave, and then doing a graduated return to work over the following six months. I have been on leave four times before, so I do have mental health history with my insurer. I wrote my insurance company a two page letter in response to their question "how does your disability prevent you from working?". I gave it to T to read and he doesn't think I need to go off. The thing is, I deleted the paragraphs that all talk about how suicidal I am in his copy. My doctor is getting the original copy with all the details.

He is making it harder for you to take care of your well-being and mental health. I don't understand it. I do not understand why he thinks he is the one who gets to decide how you handle your work and working?

Quote:

I just feel like something in my life is not working and change needs to happen. The longest I've been off before is three months. After I was hospitalized last year I only took eight weeks. I came back to work way too soon and now I'm paying for it. I don't know how things are going to go if my doctor signs me off and I have to explain to T. I might just tell him I wanted a second opinion (which I'm entitled to) and this is what my doctor felt would be best, and then hope for the best with him. I feel like nothing I do is right anyway so I may as well do what I think I need most.

I hope you realize you should not have to worry about what your therapist thinks about this. It's really not his job to argue with the doctor. The doctor is the one with the ultimate authority I would think no? I think that your therapist has very unethical guidelines in the way he practices therapy or at least provides it to you .

I know in the United States, many T's have sliding scales that can be based on your income. So they may list their regular rate at, say, $200 but offer considerably lower rates if someone needs it. Could you check to see if any offer that? It just seems like you're not getting what you need from this T, plus he'll be away over the summer. Maybe even if you could only afford to see a different T, say, every other week, if you were free to talk about any topic, maybe that would help you more? Stay safe.

I agree with the posters above that it would probably be healthy for you to at least consider a different T, even if you have to get creative in terms of seeing someone at a low-cost clinic, looking for sliding scale, etc. (The Captain Awkward site has some ideas.) I think many of us who have had relationships with abusive people can tell you that it's very possible to like somebody and feel close to them without being able to fully see that they are doing hurtful things that are not in your best interest. I'm not saying your T is abusive, but I do think you should be able to talk to him and expect him to give you what you need (or help you get it yourself) without you constantly having to contort yourself to avoid rejection. I'm tempted to ask if that feeling is familiar, like if you have a parent you had to appease to get their attention or care? It's totally possible to love your T but also recognize that he isn't the right person to be treating you.

I can't believe your t is being this harsh on you. I hope you will find another t and hope your doctor can help you. Your mental health is so important. Hugs

I am not opposed to someone new. I’m conflicted tho. I go between looking for someone else and then saying that if things don’t work out with him I’m never doing this again. So I have been looking....but it’s hard. I’ll see what my doc says.

Today was an ok day at work and I left wondering if maybe I don’t need time off. But my mood and reactions change on a dime so I just don’t know anymore.

I’m finally working through the dbt workbook I bought a year ago. Maybe that’ll help.

I wonder if your doc might have any names for you that offer lower fees? And I know it can be difficult to switch T's if you're attached to one...

In another thread, where you were talking about not being able to talk about suicide, you said that he was tired of hearing about it. That really affected me. For whatever reason, I find it really hard to talk to my therapist about suicidal thoughts and that kind of response is something I fear a lot. I mentioned what your therapist told you in my session as an example of what I fear. For what it's worth, my therapist said that what he said is terrible and you need a new therapist.

This guy isn't hearing you and it seems like that's an important thing for a therapist to be able to do. I know you like him, but you can't even talk to him about major things going on in your life. I'm sorry you're going through all this and I hope you are able to get what you need soon.

I find it really troubling that your T won't "let" you talk about your suicidal feelings, and that you're constantly worried (as you've said in other threads) that he's going to "fire" you or "let you go." You don't work for him--he works for you. It sounds like therapy with him is a big source of anxiety and to me that's not how therapy should be at all. I do hope you can find someone else.

I’m going to ask my doc this week for some names.

agree with all the other posters on this issue. My T is 100% okay w me talking about my suicidal feelings as often as needed.

The other things that occur to me for lower cost therapy (and if you are in school as I think you are, student counseling center?). Also, a psych grad program, if it exists at your school, usually has a clinic with sliding fee scales run by the department (unless your T teaches in it, but even so . . _. ). Also, if you are a survivor of childhood abuse, your local domestic violence shelter may offer free counseling and/or groups and you don't need to be a resident. Or a survivor of sexual assault, Rape Crisis Services, same thing. Sometimes these places offer help getting connected to lower cost counseling. Finally, is there a community mental health center (run by Dept Pub Health or some such) nearby?

@Anne2.0

My school is super tiny - we have less than 1,000 students, only offer eight degrees, and the counselling service is provided by a Masters student, so the school counsellor is not an option.

I checked with Catholic Family Services last summer when he went away and they do provide low cost options however you can't just call and book in. They put you on a list and when there's an opportunity they call you. So nothing is guaranteed.

I also checked with another major counselling centre. I used them years ago and didn't have the greatest experience, plus, because of where I live, they are super inconvenient to get to.

I am going to ask T and my doc for some names. I'm specifically going to ask them if they know anyone who will do DBT with me over the summer at the same fee he charges me (and after they are done laughing i will continue my search).

I'm nowhere near ready to leave him. Is he perfect? No. Does he make mistakes? Of course. Do we clash sometimes? Yep. But other than the suicide thing, I'm really, really comfortable with him, and can tell him anything (except if I'm having suicidal thoughts), and he's done so much for me and been so good to me. I know I ***** a lot and I do feel I could benefit from more frequency, but I also have to respect his judgment. He is highly sought after, was asked to help create the DSM-5, has five degrees, works four jobs....he's a busy dude, so I get that he can't give me an extra hour right now. I'm just grateful that he is seeing me. He could have said no when I asked him. I told him I'd be an easy case and I've been anything but. He's stuck by me a lot, through a lot of things, and saved my *** a few times too. I do really like him a lot.

And...while I was working today, I realized something.

With my last T, we were super, super close. We emailed constantly. Texted constantly. Like always. If he wasn't with a client, we were actively communicating back and forth. We broke every boundary a T can break with their client (and ultimately he lost his license for it, but not because of me. Apparently I just wasn't the only one).

Anyway....he gave me everything I want in life - affection, attention, caring, time, himself. He made me feel like a human being with value. He gave me hope. From a therapy perspective, he was honestly the best therapist I ever had. He lives at the other end of the country and I flew down once a week to see him. He pushed me like no other therapist ever has, and made progress with me that no other therapist ever has.

It occurred to me today that I have been holding current T to the same standard, and that's not fair. Current T is a different person, with better (but not perfect) boundaries. He does reply to urgent texts and emails (although I stopped emailing him a few weeks ago, because I realized he was drawing judgments without all the facts, and I don't want that, so now I save everything for in session). Anyway, I've been expecting current T to be like former T. And that's not fair.

Kind of like when my American Eskimo died. I loved that dog so much I knew I could not get another because I would always compare the new dog to the old dog, and that wasn't fair to either. So I got a Corgi instead.

I can't hold P to the same standard as I did D. They are different people, not capable of giving me the same thing. P is a therapist only (well, and a prof and a priest)...he will not be a paid friend or texting buddy. I have to remember that.

I hope your doctor appointment goes well Piggy Momma.

Thanks. It's booked for Thursday but I might cancel. I'm feeling better after my meltdown on Friday. I just had therapy this morning and it was a really good session.