advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
ChickenNoodleSoup
Grand Poohbah
ChickenNoodleSoup has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: In a land far far away
Posts: 1,563
5 yr Member
1,300 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 12:45 PM
  #1
Today, I told my T about something that had been bothering me regarding bullying this week. I used to be bullied throughout high school, probably the worst around age 13-15. Before, around age 10-12 were less stressful although I still think some of the stuff was bullying.

Since bullying has been across the media in my country this week, I was bothered by the comments some people made. I told my T about them. He then started to tell me about his daughter (I always knew he had kids, but he never told me anything about them), who's currently being bullied.

I had a lot of trouble with it, started to cry a lot. It hurt me to hear about his family (even though I know about them, and he has talked about them for some seconds before).

I managed to tell him that I was hurt during the session. He answered that he only tried to be truthful and that it had been related to our conversation.

I know both of these things, it didn't feel like him dropping his problems on me or something. But I still felt shut down and irritated for some reason.

I just wonder what other people would have felt in a similar situation. What would you think if your T just suddenly shared with you that their kid is struggling with a situation that's similar to one that you've been in years ago and are still struggling with today?
ChickenNoodleSoup is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous56789

advertisement
Anonymous52333
Guest
Anonymous52333 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 01:00 PM
  #2
I think everyone has different needs in therapy and comes from their own unique place. For myself, I love when T shares anything and everything. I take disclosures as a sign of trust and authentic connection. It always ends up with me feeling a relational connection is there if she has some personal story that shows me she at least truly understands my experiences because she has similar ones.
Maybe your T really wanted you to know that he truly understands your issues by providing you proof from his personal experience. Maybe that isn't the right approach for you, in which case you should make that known.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
annielovesbacon, ChickenNoodleSoup, TrailRunner14
Anonymous49809
Guest
Anonymous49809 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 01:08 PM
  #3
I would have thought: ‘you’re sharing this because you are speaking your thoughts out loud, and your thoughts right now are about your daughter and not about me, and this has taken us away from the emotion that I still feel about this childhood event all those years ago, and that it would help me if you responded to the emotion I feel’. And I would have felt icky about him talking about his daughter - I felt icky when my T mentioned her daughter to me. I would have felt disappointed in the session, but also matter of fact that Ts can’t everything right, maybe next time I would try to ensure we focused on me and my experience.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ChickenNoodleSoup
ArtleyWilkins
Magnate
ArtleyWilkins has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,787
5 yr Member
7 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 02:02 PM
  #4
It sounds like his intent was to show connection, belief, validation through shared experience. That approach was helpful to me with a therapist I was established with and knew very well. However, done too soon or without clear reason (as I experienced with a couple of therapists I did not stay with), that same kind of information would have been off-putting and irritating.

It might be good to discuss your reaction with your therapist. One, it will help him see that that approach doesn't work well for you; and two, that discussion about your reaction may offer additional insights that perhaps you aren't aware of quite yet.
ArtleyWilkins is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ChickenNoodleSoup
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,699 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 02:24 PM
  #5
I think something like this is actually what triggered my paternal transference for ex-MC. My anxiety issues started in childhood and got really bad in middle school, when at one point I had severe separation anxiety (partly triggered by my mom having cancer). I recall one time when I was basically trying to cling on to my mom's car as she drove away. Ex-MC talked about how he had helped his daughter a few years ago deal with her anxiety about school. And all I could think was how different things might have been for me if he had been my dad (even though he's only 12 years older than me). As my parents also weren't understanding/accepting of my OCD or, later, depression. At one point ex-MC also talked about his son dealing with anxiety. And once he compared working with me on transference and not reassuring me so much to teaching his son how to ski. I was also triggered when he was going out of town at one point to take his daughter to look at colleges. He also talked to me at one point about some issues with his father he'd had that were similar to mine. And about his own anxiety issues. In some ways, it made me feel that he understood more, but it also contributed to the transference considerably. And also maybe gave me a false sense that he truly understood, when he didn't entirely because everyone's situation is different.


I'd also discuss your reaction more with your T.
LonesomeTonight is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ChickenNoodleSoup
stopdog
underdog is here
stopdog has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2011
Location: blank
Posts: 34,704 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
1 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 02:39 PM
  #6
I was usually just baffled at why they thought I would care about their personal opinion or situation or story. I usually thought it was a misguided attempt at bonding or (worse) normalize something - which was ridiculous because I never thought oh if a therapist does or does not do X then I should follow suit

__________________
Please NO @

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde
Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
stopdog is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ChickenNoodleSoup
Salmon77
Poohbah
Salmon77 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: PNW
Posts: 1,394
10 yr Member
106 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 02:41 PM
  #7
My T shares personal stories with me fairly often. Mostly it works okay for me, but sometimes it does feel like he's thinking about someone else instead of listening to me and that does bug me. When it happens I usually just go back to my topic without really engaging what he says, which I guess is kind of an avoidant approach.
Salmon77 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ChickenNoodleSoup
MoxieDoxie
Magnate
 
MoxieDoxie's Avatar
MoxieDoxie trust is a myth and caring is a painful lie
 
Member Since: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 2,741
10 yr Member
365 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 06:17 PM
  #8
T told me his 3 yr old pulled a chair up, climbed on the counter and emptied the spice cabinet and he made him clean it up. Now I know this would not be anything incredible to anyone but to me my heart was heavy because if I was 3 and did that my mother would have beat the crap out of me, screamed at me leaving me to try and navigate the painful emotions on my own to fester into what I have become.

__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
MoxieDoxie is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
LonesomeTonight, Out There, Pennster
 
Thanks for this!
ChickenNoodleSoup, TrailRunner14
Anonymous56789
Guest
Anonymous56789 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 06:42 PM
  #9
My T doesn't tell me stories about his children but if he did, I might feel jealous or envious. Mostly imagine I'd feel more waif-like as T is there helping his children through while I had nobody, no parenting. I'd be glad for his children but couldn't escape those feelings of loss.

I'd tell him about my discomfort and work through it though.

Another T I had told me stories of other clients, and I told him it wasn't helpful to me so he quit doing it. It was irritating. I didn't feel 'seen'.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ChickenNoodleSoup, LonesomeTonight
Anonymous47147
Guest
Anonymous47147 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 08:16 PM
  #10
My therapist shares many personal stories with me. I think its just showing me that she can relate to what I am going through.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
ChickenNoodleSoup
 
Thanks for this!
TrailRunner14
Omers
Grand Magnate
 
Omers's Avatar
Omers has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 3,512
10 yr Member
3,133 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 09:13 PM
  #11
My T has shared some stuff and I have found other stuff. For me it has made him human and more approachable. But if I asked him to stop or told him that knowing personal stuff about him made me uncomfortable he would stop.

__________________
There’s been many a crooked path
that has landed me here
Tired, broken and wearing rags
Wild eyed with fear
-Blackmoores Night
Omers is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ChickenNoodleSoup
annielovesbacon
Grand Poohbah
 
annielovesbacon's Avatar
annielovesbacon has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 1,527
5 yr Member
1,271 hugs
given
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 11:26 PM
  #12
At the beginning of each session we have a bit of friendly, surface-level conversation (that "Hi how are you, what have you been up to" type of chatting) and sometimes she will share a very brief personal story if it relates to our conversation. But she has never tried to personally relate to my real issues with a story of her own. I like hearing about her life but only on the surface level so I appreciate her for this.

__________________
stay afraid, but do it anyway.
annielovesbacon is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
ChickenNoodleSoup
Rive1976
Grand Poohbah
 
Rive1976's Avatar
Rive1976 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 1,740
5 yr Member
144 hugs
given
Default Mar 29, 2019 at 11:51 PM
  #13
My T tells me personal things all the time and I am quite taken back by it because no T I have ever had before did that. Sometimes it is TMI. Usually I am just like ok thats interesting back to me please lol
Rive1976 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
annielovesbacon, ChickenNoodleSoup
LostOnTheTrail
Tweaky Dog
 
LostOnTheTrail's Avatar
LostOnTheTrail has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,777
10 yr Member
3,105 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 30, 2019 at 06:44 AM
  #14
R has shared very little about her personal life with me. I like it that way...because she somehow also manages to be personable, without bringing her stuff into the room.

__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
LostOnTheTrail is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Lrad123
Poohbah
Lrad123 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
5 yr Member
372 hugs
given
Default Mar 30, 2019 at 07:14 AM
  #15
I can see how your T sharing about his family might feel hurtful and take the focus off of you. In general though, I’ve been craving some sort of connection with my T and for me I feel like if he shared a personal detail now and then it might make me feel more connected, more valuable maybe, like I was worthy of being let into his world.
Lrad123 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Echos Myron redux
Magnate
Echos Myron redux is vaccinated
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 2,157
5 yr Member
1,833 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 30, 2019 at 07:30 AM
  #16
Often it makes me realise just how much my feelings AREN'T about him. I crave more of him, but then when he shares a story about his life I often feel irritated, and like "Why is he telling me that?". To me, it's a helpful indicator of where my real feelings towards him as an individual are, and where the transference is.
Echos Myron redux is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
annielovesbacon
Anne2.0
Grand Magnate
Anne2.0 elephant walks on
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
Posts: 3,132
10 yr Member
129 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 30, 2019 at 08:15 AM
  #17
I've been in this round of therapy for a long time, fifteen years older and maybe a little wiser since the first round that was shorter, when I thought I was done. My T's style, besides being strength-focused and mindful, is to relate to me and how i experience the world with his own version of what I am/have been going through. For me it feels like an offering-- the stories about himself, his wife, his stepchildren, his siblings, parents, mentors, workshops, etc--I don't find the level of detail distracting, but it reminds me of how children show you something they've found, holding out their hands with a treasure. With a kind of wonder, openness, sense of enjoyment or thrill. It's not my sense that he is excited to be able to talk about/share this with me, and it doesn't seem like it's about him much at all. Instead, it feels like the offering is reflecting my sense of "discovery" (for lack of what I think should be a better word) and he wants to show me he's heard me, and he offers the gift of realizing what's inside me is precious and rare.

One thing I've noticed in recent years, as I have come to feel more whole and happy/content, is that I am able to accept what others offer me, even when I didn't ask for it, didn't necessarily want it, and might not see in the moment how it is helpful. But I am more open and less hostile to words, ideas, suggestions, from all people than I used to be, and less insistent that the offers be tailored to precise details that match my vision of what I want from people. Most people make offers with their words in an effort to connect and that is what most resonates with me when I listen to my T's stories.
Anne2.0 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
SarahSweden
Grand Poohbah
SarahSweden has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2014
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,700
8 yr Member
219 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Mar 30, 2019 at 09:45 AM
  #18
Interesting post.

If I had been talking about such a vulnerable issue like bullying and my therapist had begun to talk about or mention her daughter or son I had probably said something like "then it´s best you go home and take care of her/him instead of thinking of her/him when you should be talking to me". Then I´d left immediately or I´d stay in silence until the session was over and then never returned. Or I´d sent an e-mail afterwards telling what I thought about it and then never returned.
SarahSweden is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
elisewin
Veteran Member
 
elisewin's Avatar
elisewin has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: Earth
Posts: 507
5 yr Member
89 hugs
given
Default Mar 30, 2019 at 09:58 AM
  #19
I have always enjoyed my T offering stories from her life relating to the things I bring up. It has never bothered me the slightest.
elisewin is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Xynesthesia2
Veteran Member
Xynesthesia2 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 540
5 yr Member
55 hugs
given
Default Mar 30, 2019 at 10:03 AM
  #20
For me it depends how much and what kind. My first T almost never shared anything about himself in session but he puts a *** load of very personal stuff on the public internet that I could read and it very much contributed to my losing respect for him - it gives away very effectively how messed up and unaware he is, low standards etc. I see some people loving it though and saying how authentic.

Second T shared many things about himself in sessions when they related to something I had to say. I liked it initially but then it felt like that was all he was doing as a T, we just had good conversations and got to know each-other, but not much else. I now think that it was also quite lazy of him - too easy to just respond with sharing a relatable thing rather than actually getting into my stuff more deeply and providing something useful. Sometimes it felt like he did the disclosures as an avoidance of working harder as a T. The nature of the disclosures were usually good though as they were typically focused on solutions, not mere descriptions of difficulties. I definitely would not like a T who shares a lot about their suffering, traumas, etc as I don't usually like to relate to people very much via negative things and ongoing struggle. But I do like when someone shared effective solutions and how they have overcome hardship.
Xynesthesia2 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:10 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.