Couch 192: The Rainbow Cupcake Couch

My therapist shares a small (like 2 chairs and a wooden bench) waiting area with another office that is apparently shared by two female therapists. On my trauma anniversary last year, I was feeling very suicidal and my therapist wanted me to meet with him in person. It was a Saturday. The building he is in is locked on weekends so the therapists have to come down and let you in. So I arrived at the same time as my therapist did. There was another guy waiting at the door and I guess he asked if my therapist could let him in. His therapist had just arrived via the elevator, so the four of us got back on the elevator. Everyone was apparently going to the third floor. Client guy seemed pretty chipper because he tried to make small talk on the short ride up. When we got off the elevator everyone started walking the same way. Weird, I thought, but whatever. It soon became apparent that we were all going to the same office. Client guy chimes in with "Hey, we're all going to the same place! Are we going to have a joint session?", joking obviously. My therapist didn't say anything. I had no idea what to say, but inside I was screaming "Nooooooooo!". Three hours prior I was having a suicidal crisis and was not really in a joking mood. I felt kind of bad for the guy though, because he was trying to be friendly and nobody was having it. Just a really weird experience altogether.

Then after our session, I ended up on an up elevator. A family got on and back down we went. When the elevator got back to my therapist's floor, he got on. We stood in silence for a few moments then he turned to me to say something, but before he could say anything I blurted out "the elevator went the wrong way" and everyone on board laughed. It was a weird day.

I am sure I am not the only one that feels this way.. I am stuck in the i don’t deserve the care I get from t. I mean to me I pay him for the appointment times, and the insight I get from him regarding my issues. But the other things.. but to get the side of t who is caring towards me in session, offers outside contact in times of crisis, even says as part of my safety plan for this weekend.. he will come into the office over the weekend if I need him. That part, I don’t feel like I deserve. Or it’s too much.. or I should’t need that extra stuff.

But why wouldn't you?

I get that feeling. My therapist has arranged a phone check-in with me almost every weekend since September. Sometimes, when we arrange the call in our session, I start basically sobbing because I feel like I don't deserve that kind of care and I feel like a burden to him. But there's also a part of me that believes (it helps that he's said this too) that if he wasn't okay with it or didn't want to do it, he wouldn't offer it. (I also pay him for the time on the phone, if that matters.) Your therapist probably thinks the same way. He cares and wouldn't offer if he didn't want to offer.

Hey, its called manic-depressive. At any given time, some of us are manic and some are depressed. Kinda funny when you think about it. I mean, any other clinic, you probably do not have half the patients up and the other half down. Like nobody says, yeah those liver transplant people are always hooting it up. KWIM?

Eta - we may be jumping on the outside but we are crying on the inside, honest!

Tonight I'll be sending my last email to T. Monday is my last session. I'm going to miss her so much! I'm so sad! But for some reason, I'm numb. I'm not even crying. I should be crying! I want to cry, but I can't.

i prefer manic depressive. to me bipolar seems to minimise my moods somehow

"Manic depression is a frustrating mess" - Jimi Hendrix.

I read this analogy on another forum and I'm paraphrasing badly here: imagine you're asking for directions to go somewhere. You meet two people. The first one is like Ned flanders super smiley, comforting and kindly tells you how to get to X. The other also tells gives you directions but is rude, shouts at you and before walking off tells you you should have had the forsight to bring a map. Whose advice would you follow?

The same way there's two people inside of you, trust the Ned voice.

It's not too much. You need as much support as you need right now. Crisis mode is horrible and I'm glad your T is willing to actually be there for you.

The highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

It too as long as it took to get you to where you are now. I don't think you can run before you can walk.

It's true. The Oracle speaks the truth!

Yay!

Free edumacation that I don't have to pay for.

This is beautiful Artie. You could easily sell these.

I googled his kid. He's like a mini him. Maybe because they didn't want to believe it. Kinda like a pimple that grows and grows until it's to big to be ignored anymore. (Yep that one's just for you )

"According to Arnold, he was completely unaware that he was the father of Joseph until the boy was at least seven years old. Shriver could not ignore the similarities either and finally confronted Arnold about the situation. He immediately confessed to the affair with the housekeeper. From there, Maria filed for divorce and moved out of the family’s home."

Honestly I think right now I would make up a whole story just to freak him out a little bit.

Take as much time as you need. I honestly feel like being here makes me think of R MUCH more.

You're not whining you're ill and not well.

Go Red Soxs.

Hi Couch.

Feeling overwhelmed today. April is imminent, and the few things I rely on for support grind to a halt. It's only a week, but it feels really hard.

Also a friend shared something with me that I don't feel equipped to handle right now.

I emailed R this morning, before my friend told me. I feel like it was incoherent, and may make her feel guilty, but that was not my intention.