Couch 192: The Rainbow Cupcake Couch

Lemoncake · Mar 22, 2019 at 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

Nah, it's just a missed session. He let me know last week that he had some other thing for today. Who knows what. We have a check-in phone call scheduled for Sunday though. I just wish I didn't feel like a shaken up snow globe lately. Sigh.

How is Lemoncake doing? I haven't noticed you posting much lately.

I'm glad he's offered the check in on sunday. One day NP you will see how strong you really are. I liked this quote from the movie the revenant which would be the same as living in the snow globe:

"When there is a storm, and you stand in front of a tree, if you look at it's branches, you swear it will fall, But if you watch the trunk, you will see it's stability."

I've been in a slump for around a month since failing pharma, which is just starting to ease up but it's still there in the background. My rupture with R is still ongoing. I know no would would minimize it, but it feels silly to post about it because I know I don't react, but over react to everything. Sometimes I just find it hard to join in with the conversation here.

I'm still doing the gym thing, but with my all or nothing brain I'm going 5-6 times a week which gets tiring and I've recently started studying at my favorite coffee shop just taking my books to I have less distractions. Mixed in with life on wards,it's busy.

Lemoncake · Mar 22, 2019 at 08:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Well - omers said she found an unopened candy bar. But i know you ALWAYS have chocolate

My middle name is chocolate.

Mrs S chocolate Crane.
Mrs S chocolate Crane.
Mrs S chocolate Crane.

I started buying Ritter sport bars with wholenuts. Think it explains me so well.

Omers · Mar 22, 2019 at 08:21 AM

Opened up my computer this morning and the reminders popped up... next thing on my calendar? T!!!

Ok, now back to my usual morning chill until I have tea and breakfast.

stopdog · Mar 22, 2019 at 08:38 AM

My reaction to therapy appointments was never happy. Mostly I threw up beforehand

Mar 22, 2019 at 09:26 AM

My reaction was almost always happy but sometimes I was a bundle of nervous energy either because I was pissed at her and afraid to say so or because of a particular topic I knew we were going to talk about.

I realized a few days ago something about that whole "be serious about the work" thing with her - I think she really thought that I was "serious" only when I was miserable and bawling! The last time I was there, I was like that, and I swear she was all enthused about it, as she said that was the most "real" she'd seen me. Why? Why am I so real to her only when I'm in misery?! There is something wrong there.

stopdog · Mar 22, 2019 at 09:31 AM

I don't think it was because she only thought you were real when you were in misery but rather because she thought you were actually realizing who you are rather than running from it or hiding behind external excuses about it.

Omers · Mar 22, 2019 at 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

I realized a few days ago something about that whole "be serious about the work" thing with her - I think she really thought that I was "serious" only when I was miserable and bawling! The last time I was there, I was like that, and I swear she was all enthused about it, as she said that was the most "real" she'd seen me. Why? Why am I so real to her only when I'm in misery?! There is something wrong there.

I agree that doesn’t seem right. My T said last week that he looks forward to the first session that I haven’t felt scared (of life not of him) all week. He would LOVE to see me be playful. When the weather gets nice I want to see if we can go to the park behind his office... but I know he would want to see me play not just walk around. If T could be a fly on the wall of my life I am pretty sure the next session he would tell me not to take therapy so damn seriously. Now, that doesn’t mean I can slack off, there are always goals and stuff... but it doesn’t have to be a funeral dirge.

atisketatasket · Mar 22, 2019 at 09:34 AM

Wasn’t the occasion of your last session you coming out to your husband, art? I can see why she would be happy about that, thinking you were taking what you worked on in therapy and applying it irl.

And I don’t think doing the work means how much waterworks there are in session. Lucillinda doesn’t seem cruel like that.

Mar 22, 2019 at 09:36 AM

It feels that way in retrospect.

stopdog · Mar 22, 2019 at 09:38 AM

But you know that feelings are not fact.
To me, this seems part of your pattern. You loved her and wanted to talk to her and write poetry about it but wouldn't let yourself call her again, and now you are making yourself feel bad about the therapy. You bonk high and then low

atisketatasket · Mar 22, 2019 at 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

It feels that way in retrospect.

I know you feel that way. But do you feel that way because Lucy in the sky with diamonds had a history of being cruel to you?

Or are you using it to hurt yourself—upset yourself, tell yourself this woman who is so important to you was actually some sort of sadist? To cause yourself pain? (This is what I do with No. 3.)

Mar 22, 2019 at 09:52 AM

True, but then opinions stated on an online forum aren't necessarily facts either. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that. I'm just trying to work things out.

Mar 22, 2019 at 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I know you feel that way. But do you feel that way because Lucy in the sky with diamonds had a history of being cruel to you?

Or are you using it to hurt yourself—upset yourself, tell yourself this woman who is so important to you was actually some sort of sadist? To cause yourself pain? (This is what I do with No. 3.)

I wasn't intending to imply anything so drastic as that.

stopdog · Mar 22, 2019 at 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

True, but then opinions stated on an online forum aren't necessarily facts either. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that. I'm just trying to work things out.

OF course they are not. Look back for yourself and see what you think.
I have no stake in whether you agree with my observation or not. I was trying, perhaps misguided, help you not feel as bad about therapy with her by observing that in my understanding of your posts, you do this extreme reaction to your feelings about her quite often. My point was more that you might be able to control making yourself miserable or at least less rollercoastery. But admittedly - it looks horribly painful to me from the outside. It may be very different for you on the inside.

atisketatasket · Mar 22, 2019 at 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

I wasn't intending to imply anything so drastic as that.

I didn’t say you were. Implication is conscious. But I do think when you’re upset because you don’t know what Lovender (one of these days I will get her name) meant by something, you’re the one who suffers. And yet when you discuss it with her, most of the time she meant nothing bad or critical by what she said. So I’d hold onto that and not start thinking she equated tears with doing work in therapy and turn that into something wrong about her.

Just hang on to the good times with her.

Mar 22, 2019 at 09:59 AM

I wasn't trying to start an argument

Mar 22, 2019 at 10:01 AM

I wish to heck that for once in my damn life I could just be right about something. Rant over.

stopdog · 10:15 AM

I am not trying to argue with you either.

If you want to be right that the therapist only did X or Y when you were miserable - have at it.

atisketatasket · Mar 22, 2019 at 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

I wish to heck that for once in my damn life I could just be right about something. Rant over.

You are right about the way you feel: you feel it was cruel of her to say that.

Beyond that, you may or may not be right about what she meant. I am just trying to help you not cause yourself emotional pain. Sorry that I missed the mark.

Mar 22, 2019 at 10:15 AM

It's all good. I just still suck at what I see as me trying to learn how to stand up for myself.

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Couch 192: The Rainbow Cupcake Couch

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Omers Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2010 Location: Crimson cattery Posts: 3,512 13 3,133 hugs given	Mar 22, 2019 at 08:21 AM #63 Opened up my computer this morning and the reminders popped up... next thing on my calendar? T!!! Ok, now back to my usual morning chill until I have tea and breakfast. __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night

stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 34,726 (SuperPoster!) 12 1 hugs given	Mar 22, 2019 at 08:38 AM #64 My reaction to therapy appointments was never happy. Mostly I threw up beforehand __________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 22, 2019 at 09:36 AM #69 It feels that way in retrospect.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 22, 2019 at 09:52 AM #72 True, but then opinions stated on an online forum aren't necessarily facts either. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that. I'm just trying to work things out.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 22, 2019 at 09:59 AM #76 I wasn't trying to start an argument

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 22, 2019 at 10:01 AM #77 I wish to heck that for once in my damn life I could just be right about something. Rant over.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 22, 2019 at 10:15 AM #80 It's all good. I just still suck at what I see as me trying to learn how to stand up for myself.