[hopealwayz]

I just started reading some therapy books and some of it is stuff I would like to talk about. Is that okay?

Like things that stand out to me and anything else that brings up any thoughts and feelings about the process.

Maybe eventually even letting T read my thoughts on certain topics.

Everyone feel free to comment on any of it. It would be interesting to hear what other people think about these things too.

I learn a lot from all of you here.

[downandlonely]

Interested to hear your thoughts

[Omers]

I’m in... my T nixed my book list which included my psych books so I will read through you! Ha!
OK, T didn’t say I couldn’t read them... he said that he strongly suggests to his clients with similar backgrounds to mine, that they not read X,Y, Z types of books... everything I enjoy reading. But... being T he had good reasons.

[hopealwayz]

Since I’m just starting with this new T (although he’s been pdoc for almost a year, we’re just beginning the therapy part) and he seems like one who is willing to lead me on the right track and his insistence that this is my journey-

So when I read this I felt proud of myself:

“When someone starts out on the path of self-discovery, they take significant steps toward wholeness. They take a stand for their well-being. It is the beginning of an important journey, one with twists and turns, yet which always leads toward health.”

This does take courage and I never thought that I had that but being willing to try was all it took to get me back into that office.

My journey with this T is still new and I must admit, I’m curious about what changes could take place.

[hopealwayz]

Originally Posted by Omers

I’m in... my T nixed my book list which included my psych books so I will read through you! Ha!
OK, T didn’t say I couldn’t read them... he said that he strongly suggests to his clients with similar backgrounds to mine, that they not read X,Y, Z types of books... everything I enjoy reading. But... being T he had good reasons.

Sounds great! You can read through me! The therapy books I’m reading are various topics so this could cover a lot of stuff! So you can join me!

I find these therapy books very interesting.

I’m starting at the beginning with them so the topics will seem more simple at first and then go into other things including the importance of the therapeutic alliance.

So much to discover.

[hopealwayz]

“Therapy can now be seen as a journey of self-discovery. A journey where you may realize strengths you thought you never had, and address weaknesses you thought you could not face. It is a place to be with what hurts within, while stepping into your full potential. In the presence of a nonjudgmental, compassionate therapist, you will have the opportunity to face these aspects of yourself so that you can find new ways of being.”

This last line is hard to wrap my brain around because I guess I’m so used to who I am now, I think the idea of change scares me.

[hopealwayz]

This is what I wonder if I struggle with:

BEWARE THE DANGERS OF THE “GOOD CLIENT” MASK Let’s start with the paradox right at the heart of psychotherapy: working too hard to be a “good” client will limit what you get out of it. If working hard means being compliant and taking in what your therapist says without question, you’re in for a long, dry, and not very productive process. Working hard could mean different things to different people. But whatever it is that you think you’re supposed to be doing in therapy, if you restrict yourself to it, your progress will certainly be limited. In fact, to make progress you may need to work harder at being a “bad” client. Trying hard in therapy by doing only what you think you’re supposed to be doing would be like wearing a mask in your session.

Maybe I should share this with T?

[hopealwayz]

I’m going to share that with him and tell him why- I’m scared to be myself because of fears of termination because you may think I’m a hopeless case.

[hopealwayz]

Another similar example:

In the pattern of “I’m a good client,” you may be unaware that you are wanting to perform and please the therapist, but as you work more in therapy, you recognise your process and come to understand during therapy that the “mask” of the good client has more to do with feeling scared to “get things wrong.” So uncovering the pattern of being a “good client” can get you more in touch with difficult feelings and move you into the next part of your process.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

This is what I wonder if I struggle with:

BEWARE THE DANGERS OF THE “GOOD CLIENT” MASK Let’s start with the paradox right at the heart of psychotherapy: working too hard to be a “good” client will limit what you get out of it. If working hard means being compliant and taking in what your therapist says without question, you’re in for a long, dry, and not very productive process. Working hard could mean different things to different people. But whatever it is that you think you’re supposed to be doing in therapy, if you restrict yourself to it, your progress will certainly be limited. In fact, to make progress you may need to work harder at being a “bad” client. Trying hard in therapy by doing only what you think you’re supposed to be doing would be like wearing a mask in your session.

Maybe I should share this with T?

Well, totally hearing that one in my T’s voice! He hasn’t challenged me on it yet but I know he is concerned about my being so agreeable.

[Anne2.0]

I think it takes courage to look at yourself, rather than being in denial about who you are and what you need to do to improve your life. I think it also takes courage to walk away from something that is not working for you. These things can both be therapy, or something else. For me therapy has been useful in confronting my childhood abuse and finding ways to move forward in my life to make it more of what I want.

On the good client, I don't think my T would put me in that category, except I show up and I pay. And I have good insurance. But I don't hesitate to tell him when I think he's gotten it wrong, I say what is on my mind without being afraid of his reaction. I also consider his responses and sometimes find a small window into which I can see how to think about something differently in a way that is useful to me, as therapy is a learning experience and an opportunity to try to be more open minded, even if I do not end up changing anything, I find the exercise interesting.

Do you want to post what books you are actually reading?

[Omers]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

This is what I wonder if I struggle with:

BEWARE THE DANGERS OF THE “GOOD CLIENT” MASK Let’s start with the paradox right at the heart of psychotherapy: working too hard to be a “good” client will limit what you get out of it. If working hard means being compliant and taking in what your therapist says without question, you’re in for a long, dry, and not very productive process. Working hard could mean different things to different people. But whatever it is that you think you’re supposed to be doing in therapy, if you restrict yourself to it, your progress will certainly be limited. In fact, to make progress you may need to work harder at being a “bad” client. Trying hard in therapy by doing only what you think you’re supposed to be doing would be like wearing a mask in your session.

Maybe I should share this with T?

The first time I read this I went yep, this is me (which it is) and I thought T would challenge it because he challenges resistance... but I got to thinking more on it... I think it would be a relief to him for me to push back against him so he knew I was strong enough to challenge him if he is wrong/something doesn’t fit especially since I tend to be very submissive to men...

BUT... IRL... I try too hard to be the good wife, the good friend, the good mother, the good pet owner, the good employee..... so is it really untherapeutic that I carry that perfectionism and lack of inmate self worth into therapy as well? Maybe if I figure out that I can be the good enough client and T won’t fire me (I have been fired by three T’s and a Pdoc... so insecurity is high)... that might carry over into being a good enough employee, a good enough parent, a good enough....

So, maybe trying to be the good client isn’t SO bad?

[hopealwayz]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I think it takes courage to look at yourself, rather than being in denial about who you are and what you need to do to improve your life. I think it also takes courage to walk away from something that is not working for you. These things can both be therapy, or something else. For me therapy has been useful in confronting my childhood abuse and finding ways to move forward in my life to make it more of what I want.

On the good client, I don't think my T would put me in that category, except I show up and I pay. And I have good insurance. But I don't hesitate to tell him when I think he's gotten it wrong, I say what is on my mind without being afraid of his reaction. I also consider his responses and sometimes find a small window into which I can see how to think about something differently in a way that is useful to me, as therapy is a learning experience and an opportunity to try to be more open minded, even if I do not end up changing anything, I find the exercise interesting.

Do you want to post what books you are actually reading?

That was well said.

I also tell my T when he doesn’t get it. Then, I look for ways to try to work with whatever is happening at the time.

Some of the books that I’m reading are:

Someone To Talk To: What really happens in therapy and how to make it work for you

Getting the most from your therapy

Making Therapy Work

How We Grow and Heal

40 Ways to Unlock Your Therapy Process

How to succeed in Therapy

I’m working on it in therapy

[hopealwayz]

Originally Posted by Omers

The first time I read this I went yep, this is me (which it is) and I thought T would challenge it because he challenges resistance... but I got to thinking more on it... I think it would be a relief to him for me to push back against him so he knew I was strong enough to challenge him if he is wrong/something doesn’t fit especially since I tend to be very submissive to men...

BUT... IRL... I try too hard to be the good wife, the good friend, the good mother, the good pet owner, the good employee..... so is it really untherapeutic that I carry that perfectionism and lack of inmate self worth into therapy as well? Maybe if I figure out that I can be the good enough client and T won’t fire me (I have been fired by three T’s and a Pdoc... so insecurity is high)... that might carry over into being a good enough employee, a good enough parent, a good enough....

So, maybe trying to be the good client isn’t SO bad?

This makes a lot of sense to me. I’ve also been terminated before so that does make me more overly cautious.

[Omers]

I mentioned to T yesterday that H said T was going to fire me (H is jealous of T). T actually laughed before catching himself, worrying about offending me and then checking in. T isn’t going anywhere *happy sigh*.

Terminated by a T stinks! I had one do it because she felt I was “too broken” to be able to heal as much as I thought I could. Another fired me while I was Sui because of her transference about her dad. A Pdoc fired me because her secretary kept calling the cops on me saying I was Sui when I just needed a med change. Then another T (that current T knows and respects a lot professionally) gave up on me because I couldn’t understand what she expected of me... so yeh... after years of abuse and abandonment as a child for not being “good.........” then all the T’s I was a *tad* worried with this T when we started. Oddly enough he seems to enjoy me and find my pretty easy to work with given my history. Even after I *might* have blown up his email yesterday.

[hopealwayz]

It is very painful to be terminated by a T. In a way, that leads to feelings like “what is so wrong with me that I can’t heal”.

My first T, also my PDOC of 8 years terminated me and I was in deep pain over it for several years.

Another T terminated me after only a few months because he was worried that I was too sui and he said he didn’t want that to happen on his watch.

My 3rd termination was my last T. He was talking about us being friends after therapy and when I told him that I still needed to have therapy, he didn’t listen. Actually, he wasn’t a good therapist anyways and he told me that he found me entertaining but it felt like he was encouraging the behaviors that I wanted to change. Plus, he said his boss got on him because he didn’t take any action when I was talking about sui.

My current T used to work with ex-T.

I’m doing much better with my current T than any others. I trust him a lot. I hope he doesn’t give up on me.

[hopealwayz]

In the therapy relationship, people often talk about how the relationship helps with the healing.

For example, I just read the relationship you have with your therapist is far more important than the particular technique.

I want to explain that to my T but I’m not sure how to word it without it sounding odd.

[Omers]

I have had some T’s get really upset at me for wanting to talk to them about the relationship. Current T... I usually email him after each session with what helped, what didn’t help, what stood out to me and anything I forgot. We don’t talk about most of what I send. Both of us are really feeling crunched about how little time we have (1hr/wk) and are struggling to prioritize. He has a really full calendar and I pay out of pocket so we are trying to make it work. I *think* it is helpful to T and I *think* he appreciates me sharing even though he has never spoken of it. I know he takes what I say to heart because when I say he is doing something right he will do more of it and/or try different things that are similar.