[Omers]

So, after my appointment yesterday I blew up T’s email and now I am blowing up PC... *sigh*

Anyway... yesterday I was talking to T about when an elder in my family told me 1. He was a different religion than the rest of the family and 2. His God told him he was damned to hell for the mistakes he made when he was younger. T was kinda surprised that I said my elder just had a different word for God than the one I used but it was still the same God. (T and I are both the same faith but different branches). After answering T’s questions about my elders faith and how he came to it I moved on to part 2. I had confronted my elder stating flat out that either the elder was mistaken about the message (in the form of a vivid dream) or that his god was wrong. T’s looked like . I went on to explain that I believed in a “life” after death but that if the elder did not join me in that life after death it would not be the joyous life promised to me by my faith... so he was wrong, he was not going to cheat me out of my eternal joy just because he screwed up long before I was born. Oh my! T’s eyes got even bigger and he was clearly shocked. T asked how I could have EVER have spoken to my elder that way. OMG I laughed SO hard. 1. I am not the good little girl that can sometimes be too passive and submissive... I have a shadow side too and she is a B*. 2. He was flat out wrong and I was not going to allow him to continue to dismiss all the changes he made in his life to be a better person by the time I came into the world.

So here is where I get confused... T and I have not talked about shame (yet) but it is ALL over his website about his passion for confronting shame and helping his clients let go of shame... so why was he looking at me all crazy? Like he was about to excuse himself to go get me a straitjacket and a ride to the new state psych unit. Yes, there are some things I feel shame around that he and I are going to need to work through but they are small in both size and number compared to other things to work on.

Could I really have totally mislead him into thinking I am all sweet and innocent? I mean, seriously I am a redhead who is in touch with her Celtic ancestry... natural redhead...

Or, my other thought that I am afraid to think... are T and I just that much alike and he is just realizing it?

[here today]

Good for you, IMO, that you are not ashamed of your shadow side.

Sounds like you and your T need to have a talk about shame, if you feel that is safe for you to do that -- your last sentence may be right on.

Interesting theology you have, too. Thanks for sharing it.

[sarahsweets]

I do not think your T was concerned about the sweet and innocent part. I think it was more of an issue with tolerance.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Omers, is it possible he was more surprised than shocked to see such a strong side to you?

I'm guessing there's a religious/cultural subtext that your t understands that means that it's unusual for a someone (especially a woman?) to stand up to an elder, especially to provide correction on a spiritual belief that would make this extra surprising.

I know I wasn't there to get the fullness of the story and the interaction, and I am a completely separate person from your t, but in the context of that story, shame isn't what comes to my mind. I read bravery in your willingness to speak up for what you believe, and your compassion and care for the other person. So it's possible shame and disrespect aren't the lens he's viewing your story through, maybe?

[Fuzzybear]

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Omers

so why was he looking at me all crazy? Like he was about to excuse himself to go get me a straitjacket and a ride to the new state psych unit.

Isn't it possible you might have somewhat or completely misread his reaction? The ones you listed or their explanations are not the only ones possible. Why not ask him and check out your reaction to his reaction? Although I can often read people accurately (or so I think), I also have gotten it wrong when I thought my T was reacting in X way, but he explained when I asked that it was Y.

[Omers]

I get reactions wrong all the time, that is part of why I post some things here to see if there are other ways to see it. I am sure T am I will circle back to it at some point. Yes, T and I will talk about shame too... right now we both have a huge list of things we want to work on and they all seem super important.

I do know I am super passive/submissive with T for many reasons, not all of them unhealthy. T also sees me put up with a lot of crap from my H. So yes it could be shocked. He also knows I am pretty “old school”.

As far as cultural it could be because I am old school more than religious. I stand when an elder enters a room, open doors, pull out chairs, “ma’am and Sir” and I talk with great respect about my grand parents and great grandparents (most of whom I had the privilege of knowing).

[GeekyOne]

If I did that my T would be surprised because I tend to be very sure that I am wrong/bad/etc. and leave a lot of room for everyone else’s needs or beliefs to come before mine. Is that true for you? If so, making such a firm statement that you are right and your elder is wrong might be surprising because it is out of character.

I tend to think shock is a more extreme version of surprise, and is often colored by judgement. Based on your description of the interaction I would say he was surprised (maybe even pleased!), but not shocked. I’m often wrong at reading folk too though.

It may also tell your T that your faith is a lot more important than he realized.

[Omers]

Originally Posted by GeekyOne

It may also tell your T that your faith is a lot more important than he realized.

Yes, that may also play into it, I had forgotten about that. T has always been cautious talking to me about God/faith/religion and I am not sure why. He relaxed a little after one session where he asked me to pick something from his office to represent my “higher power”. I looked around and didn’t see anything so asked if I could make something more fitting and bring it to the next session. We spent a long time talking about what I ended up bringing in and he has asked me to explain it to him again a few times (I left it in his office for me to use later but also for other clients). But my expression of faith/religion does seem to puzzle him. I know he comes from a more strict background than mine and while he has become much more relaxed than how he was raised he can still be pretty traditional. I am, well, out there lol.