There is always a motive

Hmm....had my appointment. He did not get it. Did not understand. First advice was do not give him so much power....I am not that special he said. Then was did I feel titrating sessions would help? Then he literally calculated that he was less than 1% of my weekly life. Then he asks why was it bad that I relied on him?

1 hr of not really much transpiring or changing and I left scratching my head. Everyone here understood what was going on with me more than he did. I even had him read my last correspondence that really explained everything I was feeling and he still did not get it. Is it possible he does not know what transference is? It told him I have a child part clinging to his leg and that I was very emotionally connected to him and that he of all people in my life can really hurt me. That I let my walls down with him. His advice was put the wall back up but just take one brick out to peek through.

He said he was real simple and I was giving him way too much credit here.

I did not even bring up insurance. I guess he will bring it up when the time comes and I will deal with it then.

Why on earth would he suggest putting your wall back up? I would think that therapists would want your wall to come down. I know mine does. Mine also acknowledges his importance in my life, and not in some egoistic way either.

Did you decide not to tell him why you were upset, just that you were, if you didn't even bring up the insurance?

I'm not sure how he could understand if you didn't talk to him about the insurance thing. Isn't that what set this all off? I'm guessing he is scratching his head because he doesn't have all of the information.

As far as the wall thing goes, I think what he is saying is very similar to what my therapist would have said at the slightest inkling that I was in any way putting him on some kind of pedestal. People fall off pedestals. The wall isn't to shut him out. It is to have a natural barrier between you and your vision of him which, right now, is rather enmeshed.

He is he and you are you, but right now, you are giving him too much power in your life. The slight misstep you perceived as a huge betrayal is the evidence of that.

Natural boundaries (a better word that "wall" but I think that's what he was talking about -- he was just using the word "wall' because you did I'm guessing) are healthy. Boundaries shouldn't be completely open; they vary depending on the people and the circumstance.

I think what he is perhaps saying is to take him down off that pedestal. Put him back in a place of reality. Find your own footing again. Then, look at him a bit at a time, always remembering he is just an individual. He's there to work with you and help you, but to put too much weight in his opinion and actions to the point that your ability to function collapses on his slightest misstep just isn't healthy.

He did ask what made me think he was going away or I could not come back? I barked off, "What does that matter?". I did not want to discuss the insurance thing I wanted what not being able to come back provoked in me and why and how to deal with it and needing him to understand that and explain it and explore it.

But he can't understand if he doesn't know where this started.

One thing my therapist worked on with me A LOT was identifying my initial thoughts about an event that I was reacting out of proportion to. It was crucial that we were on the same page about the event so that we could get that figured out. You are asking him to figure something out with only part of the information, without the concrete context for your thoughts and feelings. That's just not really possible. He can't get to the internal motivations and problems without connecting them to the event.

The event does not matter Artley. Whether it be I can not afford to pay out of pocket, me moving away, him moving away, him dying.....it provokes the same thing. It brings to light the same issue.

Yes, it does matter. In the event is your interpretation of that event which gives him a starting place to help you. You are walking him into a dark room blindfolded, spinning him around, and not turning on the light, and asking him to find you.

Ummm....no.

What are you avoiding?

Michael is that you desigising yourself as user name ArtkleyWilkins?!

I agree with Artley. The why is an important piece of the puzzle. It's why he didn't seem to get what was going on with you today. There's a reason you didn't share the why with him. Is there shame from looking at his PT profile? Shame that he's important to you or that you need him? Shame about your reaction? (If you can't tell, for me, when I don't share something, it's prompted by shame in some form or fashion.)

Who’s Micheal? Your T? No. Just another poster here PC.

For me it's not the substance of what is brought to light, but to your extreme reaction in response to a piece of information you found on the internet, information that may not be accurate and/or apply to you or your situation at the moment or in the future. It's the process of how you go from A to B, where B is this very triggered place without being able to reflect or interrupt it. I think you would benefit more from being open about how and why this happened, and asking your T for help to interrupt this very destructive cycle that you have described getting into a time or two before on here.

It is difficult for a T to understand you if you don't tell them what's going on. I think it would help you to reconsider and trace the events for your T. Doing so will help him understand not only what you recently brought, but help him work with you so you don't cycle through this over and over. It is possible to stop being triggered all the time, but I think it has to start with honesty and openness and a willingness to change. For me, the painfulness of being triggered was far worse than the pain of talking about it, and learning to stop the automatic response in my body and the corresponding flood of emotions has given me a sense of mastery over my past.

If he asks me again next week I will fess up otherwise I am not bringing it up on my own.

It sounds to me that even though you may cling to his leg, you don't really trust your T. The title of this thread says a lot -- maybe your suspiciousness is transference, but maybe there's a at least a pinch of reality there, too. He doesn't sound at all curious about why you might be giving him too much credit. Just judgmental that you are. Wanting you to change or be different, for what he may see as your own sake? But still, not understanding.

Maybe the others have something, that being more open might help. But the lack of curiosity on his part, to explore more -- I would be cautious, too.

I think I get it, that once the walls are down, they are down. And if/when they go back up, it's all or nothing. For me, it was that parts were dissociated and I was dimly aware of them and could usually keep them turned off and not outwardly active but when I allowed them "on" -- which I thought was a big accomplishment in therapy -- they were too intense and multiple therapists shamed and rejected me. Maybe reenactment, but still. . .It was them shaming and rejecting me -- and not wanting or able to talk about it later.

Having a wall with bricks you can peek through isn't an answer that would work for me. Having a skin that can encompass all of me and that can go more or less transparent is what I'm trying for currently.

I wonder -- can you, yourself, accept the child part that wants to cling to the therapist's leg? What's going on with that part? How did it get left behind, and is still in childhood?

I think you have said, but I have forgotten -- is your therapist well-trained and knowledgeable about trauma? If he isn't, maybe he can't help.

"Pain is easier to tolerate than pleasure. This is due to an old 'superstition' which was acquired during childhood; "If I feel too good, something really bad's gonna happen!" In essence, whenever the child felt any stable or happy feelings, the emotional rug was yanked out from under them. Steady repetition of that type of event is incredibly destabilizing for a child, and teaches them to anticipate disaster the minute they feel any sense of comfort or calm. Sadly, this reflex becomes habituated, for it eases their fear of impending disappointment and ensuing devastation from any/all unforeseen disasters that 'might' lay ahead, but it also spawns serious control issues, anxiety disorders, OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) traits, and their need to argue or distance, after especially enjoyable episodes with you.

Yeah after the good session last week my mind needed to look for impeding doom so I did not get side blinded and allowing myself to feel connected to him felt dangerous especially because it can not be forever so why allow it to happen?

My T and a few others here do this. It is like a temporary enactment before they get ahold of themselves- more countertransference at either feeling he failed you or feeling defensive or untrusted or not useful etc. I am sure he is capable of understanding , but it is like his unconscious grabbed the reins for a bit there. He cannot possibly mean put the wall back up and therapy is just 1 percent of your week, or why would he be a therapist. He sounds like a good T often, but is it possible he just blew it here or made a mistake under pressure? It is disingenuous and pretty dismissive to say hey I am real simple, just a simple guy when he is your T being paid as an expert. Once my T said well I am just bumbling around here being only human making mistakes is that okay with you? I kind of just realized he was flustered and off his game . It made us closer eventually He was able to come back and deal so well with the issue the next session and I was able to be more flexible and forgiving than I expected .

There seems to be some sort of testing of your therapist going on here. In the last appointment, you wanted or expected him to somehow know what was happening without the relevant information. He failed that test. Now you say you will tell him the information, but only if he asks. Will he ask? I don't know, but there seems to be an expectation that he will. It just seems like you might be trying to test him since your trust in him has been shaken.

Seriously? Is that what you think......I am testing him? NO

I do not play games in therapy.