There is always a motive

Seriously? Is that what you think......I am testing him? NO

I do not play games in therapy.

You called it a game, not me. I'm just trying to figure out why you withheld information when doing so has left you in limbo. Seems like you're standing in your own way, and there has to be a reason for that.

I can not find in this thread where I said it was a game.

Her point was that you seem to be testing your therapist. YOU replied back saying you don’t play games in therapy implying she was saying you play games. She never said that. Testing therapists the way you seem to be is not unusual, but you are the person who equated testing with game playing through your own reply.

Last week during a hard session he asked me if all my issues were fixed in therapy did I feel I could not come back anymore. I said yes....he asked why....I said that was the rules. He proceed to say the most kindest things I ever heard. He said I could keep coming back as much as I wanted as long as I wanted and if Anthem BCBS did not exist any longer he would figure out a sliding scale for me and that for not a single reason would he ever terminate me or kick me out. I could not stop the water works from coming.

Of course, I am sorry but, not one has ever said such things to me with a motive. No a cigar is not just a cigar. Things are said for a reason. I found out the truth a week later.

Yeah....now I know why he said that. He has not come out and told me out right but I knew there was a motive behind that. Something was off. He started dressing nicer. Nice pants and button down shirt as before he was more in T-shirts and jeans. I checked out his psychologyToday page and he has all new pictures and a new profile and he no longer takes insurance. So there you have it. That does not exist in life. There is always a hidden reason. I am devastated. We wiped out our bank accounts to buy a townhouse, as our landlord was selling his place and we could not afford it. I got into a car accident and had to use even more money to get a used car, we also had to get a loan on top of the mortgage......well I can not afford $600 a month. He is worth every penny. I am so mad for letting my guards down and trusting someone.

I wish I was not so painfully attached to him. This is so triggering. I wish I was dead so I do not have to feel this.

Moxie -

I think understand where you are coming from, and would have felt similarly.

How I’m reading this is that you had a moment with your therapist that felt connected, attuned and healing. It seems you attributed his motives for saying he’ll be there as being caring, genuine and reassuring - deeply connecting to your fears that he won’t be there for you, and seeing you.

I too would feel pain around the optics that his motives had an underlying business purpose that had nothing to do with ‘me’. It seems to directly contradict having your needs and fears seen and attended to.

I read a lot of pain in your posts about how dependent you are on your therapist. From someone who was in a similar position - I agree that it can feel horrific. Yet at the same point, no clear path out. I know there are multiple schools of thought around dependency, but for me it was not healthy and created more problems than it solved. I deeply resented being in a relationship in which another yielded so much power over my emotions. It felt extremely vulnerable and out of control. Particularly when I was triggered and went into a tail spin over things others wouldn’t see as a big deal.

I don’t have much for advice but get what you are going through. It is an extremely difficult position to be in. Wishing you healing!