There is always a motive

Last week during a hard session he asked me if all my issues were fixed in therapy did I feel I could not come back anymore. I said yes....he asked why....I said that was the rules. He proceed to say the most kindest things I ever heard. He said I could keep coming back as much as I wanted as long as I wanted and if Anthem BCBS did not exist any longer he would figure out a sliding scale for me and that for not a single reason would he ever terminate me or kick me out. I could not stop the water works from coming.

Of course, I am sorry but, not one has ever said such things to me with a motive. No a cigar is not just a cigar. Things are said for a reason. I found out the truth a week later.

Yeah....now I know why he said that. He has not come out and told me out right but I knew there was a motive behind that. Something was off. He started dressing nicer. Nice pants and button down shirt as before he was more in T-shirts and jeans. I checked out his psychologyToday page and he has all new pictures and a new profile and he no longer takes insurance. So there you have it. It was not a kind gesture. That does not exist in life. There is always a hidden reason. I am devastated. We wiped out our bank accounts to buy a townhouse, as our landlord was selling his place and we could not afford it. I got into a car accident and had to use even more money to get a used car, we also had to get a loan on top of the mortgage......well I can not afford $600 a month. He is worth every penny. I am so mad for letting my guards down and trusting someone.

I wish I was not so painfully attached to him. This is so triggering. I wish I was dead so I do not have to feel this.

I'm missing something. It sounds like he was saying whatever the insurance circumstance, he would work with you on a sliding scale. I'm not sure why that is devastating, but maybe I'm not getting it.

because he knew and did not tell me! I had to find out on my own instead of him telling me in session and helping me navigate my feelings. Instead I am thrown into an emotional flashback trying handle these feelings and I am not doing well and I am over the top over reacting I am sure.

You might want to double check. My therapist's webpage doesn't list that he takes insurance but he absolutely does. He simply doesn't list them on the webpage because they change fairly frequently.

But still. I'm not sure how giving a head's up that insurance circumstances, even if they changed wouldn't be a cause for ending therapy, is a bad thing. Perspective. He's reassuring you. I highly doubt he was intending to be deceptive. More likely, things weren't finalized (may still not be finalized) so he's working with a variety of scenarios.

And this is one of my problems. I cant think clear like that when I am activated and in an emotional flashback. My reactions do not fit the situation. The entire system goes into meltdown and will do anything not to feel the pain of worst case scenarios. When my reactions come from the wounded child it is hard for the adult part to regain control.

I understand. Slow yourself down. Breathe. He sounds like a caring and supportive therapist.

MoxiDoxi please take a deep breath and wait until you can talk to him. My Pdoc did that many years ago on her professional web page... come to find out she would not be doing insurance for new clients coming in but “grandfathered” existing clients. I also work with a massage T because I have a lot of trouble with touch (she is a licensed massage therapist but also has a masters in counseling. She does not take insurance and does not have a sliding scale... however when I found T and told her I was going to have to cut back on our appointments to see T she said no... you will come as you always have. If you have the money then you can pay me. If you don’t have the money ai expect to see you anyway. And she has.
Hugs

To late the email has been sent off with a very accusing tone......along with other crap sprinkled in. He is going to be so either confused or mad and now I will have to explain that I was looking at his psychologyToday web page. I only did that because he started dressing nicer and it set my instincts off.

Yeah he is confused......

He replied to my email that he is available up until 1pm to day if I want to call and discuss it because he is not sure what is being asked.

Nope not calling him. I have a session tomorrow and maybe then I will be out of this part and more cohesive to discuss things maturely. Now I have to figure out how to explain myself with out feeling so much shame.

Why not call him and see if you can work it out sooner so you don't have to suffer until tomorrow? I don't think he would offer and tell you when he was available if he didn't want you to call. My T and I often do some of our most important work when I am a crying, triggered, freaking out mess. He's a therapist, so he doesn't need you to have it all together in order to help you.

I emailed him back:

I am sorry just ignore it.

And this is one of my problems. I can't think clear when I am activated. My reactions did fit the situation. My entire system goes into meltdown and will do anything not to feel the pain of what this part is shoeing me. When my reactions come from that wounded child part it is hard for the adult part to regain control.

I need to just sit on my feelings longer and just wait it out and let things pass before I act on them but it is so hard not to.

Anyway.....Thanks everyone.

Lordy I can not believe how fast I fly into a flashback. I thought those days were going to be over. It has sucked the life out of me. I feel like it has taken all the nutrients and glucose from my muscles. I am so tired.

Something similar happened to me. I looked at his psychology today profile because sometimes reading his blurb or looking at his photo comforts me. He had added some text saying he no longer accepted my insurance. I had an emotional meltdown. I was so scared he was abandoning me, my mind went everywhere. I was even thinking he was leaving our city. I broke down and emailed him saying what I found and asking if he was leaving. He responded even though I think we were meeting the next day. He wasn't accepting new clients with my insurance but he would still file for me. I was so relieved. I felt a bit silly but it obviously triggered something in me. It sounds like your t is doing something similar. Take that call with him so you don't have to sit in your triggered state. Hugs.

I emailed him and emailed me back but I did not discuss the reason for my meltdown. I do not want to discuss this with him today right now and take up any of his time as I feel real guilty right now about my behavior. He won't ignore this come tomorrow session. And if he is not taking insurance anymore, even from me, then maybe I will be in my adult state and be able to handle whatever compromise he comes up with.

Even though he does not know the reason for my meltdown email he took it calmly and tried to assure me. This is his response:

You are always welcome (encouraged) to email me, even when the active part is out. You have told me this before and I trust that we will work it out.

After all, it is for a reason (whatever it might be) and I understand that reason might change or pass. So continue doing you, no judgement on my end.

Don't hesitate to call if I am missing the mark still.

Yesterday was an eye opener for me regarding just how much I lean on my therapist to function in life. When I thought that was getting severed I regressed as if I have never had therapy before. All the color drained from my world and I did not want to be in it. How is this healthy? I went to therapy because that is how I felt on a daily basis. Hating living, wanting to die all the time, self harming, bulimic. Did I just transferred all those things on to him to hold and then if he goes away it gets dumped right back on me? Has nothing changed in my brain or within me?

Am I so broken? Now I know why people walk around as heavily medicated as they can be.

I have to face him today about yesterdays meltdown. How embarassing.

Yeah, what he said. No judgment. You react that way because of a lifetime of your experiences. Other people with similar experiences react in very similar ways. It isn't because of a personal failure or defect. Its because that's how human beings who develop in a soup of similar experiences learn to react.
Learning to understand the physiology and psychology behind these kinds of normal-for-the-developmental-experiences reactions and then applying that understanding to the actual re-experiencing of the' activated ---> back-to-resolved' cycle helps.
But I do think some self-compassion rather than self-judgment is called for here. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. Over time, your best will get better.

I agree with Amyjay, and what it sounded like your T was saying in his email.

You melted down. So what. A tendency to do that sometimes is reasonably a part of why you are in therapy. It's OK! Hope things go well in the session.

He seems like a good T, willing to stick with you no matter what. And accepting of you - the whole of you. This is rare.

I get the triggers from the past, as mine were powerful, causing me to misinterpret and distort information in all kinds of ways. Our brains have these trauma grooves that sweep things into the well worn pathways of "I am always betrayed" or whatever the messages are that replay in your head.

I do agree that you can do better over time, but I think you have to consciously work on identifying the physiological response (in the body, which I think appears as a fear reaction before your mind kicks in with the interpretations) and then have a conscious plan for stopping the reaction/response. Like, don't fire off emails when you identify yourself as being upset. When you're doing this, you're just feeding the physiological arousal of fear and reactivating it by blurting it out in email.

You can work with your T on a plan for what to do when you're in this place that you are familiar with. Maybe it starts with three deep breaths, engaging that nerve. I find this works well for me, although it took awhile to see that happen. There's a reason those grooves are so well worn. But it is possible to interrupt your reactionary responses and transform them into deliberate, intentional action. For me, learning to do this at least some of the time has transformed my life.

This post immediately sparked tears in my eyes. I am so sorry. I don't trust my T either with touching moments just being touching. He should have told you openly. However, it is possible he will still carry anthem just for you. I know it is the insurance many T's can stand, and maybe he will grandfather you and simply mean what he said?