Connection in therapy

As some may know, T and I agreed to sit side by side during our sessions due to my anxiety. I felt more comfortable talking last session with the change in seating arrangement, so it worked well.

I am, however, aware of how awkward that was - to engage in conversation with someone without the two facing each other! At the start of the session, she mentioned we will focus on no eye contact today and something about avoiding connection. This is interesting to hear as I didn’t mention this being the reason why I felt anxious about sitting opposite each other, it’s more social. She knows I find connecting/intimacy slightly intimidating and has been struggling with me shutting myself down and not letting her in for about 11 sessions now, so I assume she put the two together. I also remember her looking straight into my eyes the previous session without talking and I bravely returned the stare a tiny bit longer than usual, but then looked down and cut that connection!

This makes me wonder how important a therapist may view connection in therapy? She asked at the end of session how I found sitting this way and that though it was different for her staring at a wall, she is fine with continuing. When I said I liked it, she said we can continue sitting this way for a few more sessions. ‘Few more sessions’? I thought we were sticking to this seating arrangement for good haha! I know if I request to continue, she’ll respect that.

Butttt, will that affect the connection we have with each other? If sitting this way helps me open up more, would that not help build connection without eye contact? Is it that maybe I’ll feel more connected to her but she may not because eye contact etc may be important for her in order to connect? I do wish we could connect in that sense, the eye contact, being able to see each other’s facial expression etc but it’s so uncomfortable at the same time!

I think my T would say that feeling connected is probably the most important thing. I've been seeing her for years, and I still don't make a ton of eye contact. Sometimes I do, but not sustained, and the more intense the session, the less likely I am to look at her. Maybe I'll look at her shoes if I'm feeling really brave.

I think it's worth exploring with your T, what it's like for you, what it's like for her. I don't have trouble with eye contact in general, so it's not something I'm interested in working on specifically. I think it's more about shame and intense feelings for me, so eye contact will probably improve as I do.

I don't think you should worry too much about how she's feeling. If sitting that way helps you talk, that's more important.

I sit facing away from my T, while he sits off to one side where he can see me but I can't see him (unless I turn my head), sort of like the traditional couch set up. I think it helps me to feel less inhibited and less like I need to worry about T's reactions etc. I don't see it as causing any problems or lack of connection between us.

I think the therapist views connection in therapy as an important aspect of therapy, hence why she is willing to try a different seating arrangement. I think there's every possibility that the seating arrangement may help you feel at your ease and therefore connect with the T. I think the T will do what she can to meet you where you are at. I know that is how my former T was when I would change seats trying to find the best seat to be in for me to do the work. She also had two different offices so there were different chairs in different offices. Exasperating trying to find the right "place". HUGS Kit

I think Ts view connection as important especially for the comfort of the client. I wonder if part of what the side by side seating is more difficult for her is that also a big part of therapy is being able to read body language and facial expressions?

EMDR T is getting pretty good at assessing when I am starting to disassociate based upon my body language. She cant explain the difference but she definitely has helped me stay present the last couple of times.

T used to be able to read my facial expressions to tell when something was bothering me but I was not telling her.

So I wonder of this might be why your T is supporting you by sitting this way but hoping in a few weeks you can return to the other way.

Yeah, definitely that. I could sense her look a couple of times when I went quiet. Must have been important to ‘see’ how I was feeling during those moments.

The therapist has asked that I look at her a few times, but it's not something she demands as a general rule. She's never said anything about there needing to be some sort of connection, and that's good. I am not trying to be juvenile or make some sort of off-color joke when I say the first word that came to my mind when I thought about a therapist (theoretically) saying I needed to allow her to connect with me was "rapey."

I definitely don't worry about if the therapist feels connected to me. But although I would like to say you can get the same level of connection without eye contact, I'm not sure I believe it. I'm sure the blind can, but I think those of us with sight connect best with some eye contact.

The first woman definitely thought she was connected to me more than I ever did. I have no idea what the second thought about. The second one did not talk about as much as the first one.

My therapy setting rarely involves eye contact as I lie on the couch facing away from my T. For me personally, eye contact is not something that creates connection.

In social situations I try to use eye contact because I know that people expect it. However, for me personally eye contact is often hindrance as it is something I specifically have to pay attention to. For better understanding what the other person is saying I either prefer to look away or to look at their mouth. At least that's what I automatically do.