How do you know when you are done?

How do you know when it's time to be done with therapy? We've talked through most of the bad stuff. I've stopped drinking. SI has resolved.

I wouldn't describe myself as "happy", but I'm certainly not miserable anymore. Maybe this is as good as it gets?

Have any of you graduated from therapy? How do you know when it's time?

I haven’t graduated from therapy but I’ve graduated from therapists and for me, I just knew I’d gone as far as I could with them. Either I wasn’t getting what I needed from sessions, or I lost respect for them, or I started to dread going.

The termination process should ideally unfold over numerous sessions, so I’d encourage you to start talking to your therapist now if you’re thinking of ending therapy. Your therapist may also have an opinion on whether that’s a good idea or not at this time.

Yeah, talking to your therapist about whether ending is right for you is a good idea.

Personally, if I feel the therapist isn't helping me get better, then it's time to move on. I've switched from individual therapy to support groups. I like them better, and they're free.

I did five years of therapy in my 30's and it ended well, I thought I was done. And I was, for 15 years, until my life circumstances hit a rough patch and then another rough patch and then . . . . I went back into therapy and although the remnants and trauma and a big grief are mostly over now, I find therapy useful for my self care to deal with the stress of what I do for a living.

But I talked about being done with my therapist all those years ago, and it was really quite painless-- compared to when I took a break in my current therapy a few years ago and realized quickly that was not the right decision. But I suspect that when you are thinking you are done, asking the question, you probably are. I recall my therapist and I back then decided to do the typical every other week, then once/month, and we did, but I formally ended one day on my every other week and just said it felt like the right time. And it was. I missed her but the absence of therapy itself was not painful for me. It felt freeing. It felt like the right decision to stop.

I am no where near done with my current T but he has a TON of personality quarks that would normally drive me nuts! I figure when they start bothering me more than my internal mess I am done or if they stop bugging me all together ai am done. For me it will likely be done with therapy (at least current issues) as I truly believe this T can take me all the way there. Other Ts it was when I wasn’t seeing change because I knew none of them could do all the things I needed.

I'm certainly not done, but my T has said that he can tell that clients are done when they don't have much to talk about in session for a stretch of time. He said I could tell if I was done with *him* as a therapist (not necessarily therapy in general) if I start regularly finding him boring, like I know what he's going to say and won't find it helpful. He's said each T only has so much in their "bag of tricks," and at some point a client will have gone through all of it. I think that's what happened with my ex-T.

When to know when you're done?

If you feel satisfied with your life or where you're at in life. Or if you don't have anything you wish to work on.

More important: what does your T think? It would be worth discussing if they feel you need to do more work. Even though, ultimately, it is your decision if you still want to stop.

I just told the woman I wasn't coming back and walked out. I don't see a need to discuss it with the therapist. The therapist did not get a vote in my decision.

I knew I was finished when I was handling whatever life was throwing at me without falling apart. I was utilizing good coping skills, and I knew how to work through a crisis on my own without needing that therapist support.

I think that when you start asking the question if you are done then that's a sign that perhaps you might be done. It is helpful to talk to the therapist and get their view on it too because they may say there's x,y,z that they see as an area for work but it's ultimately up to you. Do you feel like your therapy goals have been accomplished? Do you feel like you have something to say when you go in for your therapy appointments? Are you struggling to fill the hour? Do you feel like you have developed appropriate coping skills? Do you feel like you can utilize those skills effectively? HUGS to you, Kit.

I knew I was done when I looked deeply at what I needed in terms of support and realised it was something my therapist would never give me (touch).

I knew I was done when I realised I could put the money and time I spent in therapy into other things that would make me happy -- my first home and a club I now attend at the time I'd regularly see my therapist.

I knew I was done when I found myself not necessarily happy, but in a place where I could work towards happiness.

I knew I was done when I realised I knew and understood myself a lot better than my therapist.

There are many possible endpoints... It could be when you've gotten all you need, it could be when you've gotten all you want. It could be when you've gotten all you need or want out of working with this particular therapist.

I don't think wondering whether you're done is always a sign it's time to end, though. It could be, but it could also mean there's something interesting to work on lurking right around the corner if you stick around. Worth thinking about.

I think it depends what someone is going for. If they are specific things that can be set as goals, the goals are met and no new need comes up, it may be a good time to move on. As far as I can see, many people see Ts driven by more diffuse needs such as general support or to work on very complex issues that do not only affect one behavior or emotional area. That way it is hard to define it, I guess it's more a general feeling when the need is resolved and dissipates.

I also personally think it can be a good time to be done when the therapy becomes too much the center of the universe for someone, too much of an obsession, and someone neglects other things due to it. This does not seem to be the case for OP though.

I don't think it is always best/necessary to terminate therapy over a few sessions, really depends on what the client likes. What I don't think is when Ts try to tell the client how they should terminate. One of mine tried to manipulate me to go back just to talk about my decision and I regretted when I did because it just brought up a bunch of unnecessary and irrelevant (to my life) annoyances.

There was a time when I thought I would never be done. I went through many therapists and techniques and fads and was still in hideous pain. Strangely it was through my last, and most painful, episode that I finally, and thankfully, met up with someone who would see me through.

I saw her regularly for 11 years, at first twice a week. Then we went to once a week and continued that pattern for most of the rest of the time. Eventually I began to taper off at my own request because I thought I could do it. I was functioning well for the most part and had more confidence and more tools. Eventually, again at my own initiation, we went to just checking in every 2 months. We did this for awhile, and then when I felt ready, I had a last appointment.

We did discuss the ending process quite a bit in advance so as to prepare properly for it. And when we stopped it was with the understanding that if a situation came up that I really felt I couldn't deal with on my own, she would be available to see me. I had to do this only a few times in the ensuing years, and eventually she retired.

There have been only 2 times since then when I've needed help, and I've had to scramble to find someone. I try not to need it at all any more, but darn it, there are those times.

Oh, and there is this excellent forum when you need feedback from others.

Blessings....

As I am sitting here waiting for a reply from my T, I think one sign for me will be when I email her, I forget that I emailed her or am able to put it so much on the back burner it's as if I forgot.

I think it could also depend on whether or not you have a chronic mental illness. I will never be done because therapy is just one of many tools/strategies I utilize to stay stable. I am BP. Since I have been stable for so long it is tempting to stop therapy but I don't want to do anything that will destabilize me. My life is pretty routinized and therapy is an integral part. I do think that there are natural ebbs and flows in a therapeutic relationship that suggest taking a break could be productive. I have never been to a therapist who did not honor a request to take a break and come back when I needed to.

I’m not sure there’s such a thing as ‘done’.

One of the things I practiced regularly while I was in therapy was keeping a “Reasons to Stay vs Reasons to Leave” list. The list evolved over time, weighing heavily to the “Leave” side. The last items on the “Stay” list were “Love” and “Feeling cared about” - which, for a time, were enough to keep attending therapy. A bit sad in thinking about it since I’m not sure any real love existed (though the caring might have).

Without getting into too much detail on this thread - eventually those things became question marked and no longer seemed like reason enough to tolerate the constant difficult emotions therapy brought up. My reasons for staying were more relationship addiction-based vs making genuine progress in any specific area of my life. This should have been a red flag.

Questions I’d ask someone who is considering leaving therapy would be:

Is your outside life improving? Also - is your outside life improving only because you are getting a high from your sessions?

Are your other relationships improving? Or are you pushing others away because they aren’t your therapist?

What goals do you have? How is your therapist helping you meet those goals?

Does the support you are getting from your therapist feel like it’s enough? If it doesn’t, is longing or feeling lacking interfering with the rest of your life?

Do you feel better about yourself since being in therapy?

Do you feel like you understand yourself better?

Do others perceive you as improving?

Do you have any undesirable side effects such as financial instability, self-obsession, overwhelming obsession with your therapist or destabilization?

Are you able to function independently? If not, we’re you functioning independently before therapy?

These responses are all so helpful!

I'm a lurker and infrequent poster, and I really appreciate the thoughtful responses you all have given to this visitor.

This board rocks!

Congratulations on your accomplishments.

One time in session recently, after working through one of the worst traumas (horrific) and experiencing flashbacks, I instinctively said "I'm done" and "that's all" and had repeated this several times. I had a real sense of having 'told my story' and a solid understanding of how it impacted my whole life and why I had parts. But what surprised me that after the flashbacks of that trauma, I somehow knew (though on an intuitive level) that was the last of the integration of all the parts. I'm whole now, which is a structural change to my sense of self. I also strongly felt at that time, that I no longer needed to talk about childhood trauma. The feeling of being done in that sense was very concrete.

Other things that are past me now is that the transference is mostly gone, and so is the dependency. But I still have a need to work through anger, such as "justice issues", and work on self-discipline. Part of the reason I'm struggling with both of these issues is I'm somewhat depressed. I've had to quit cardio exercise months ago due to an injury, and not exercising really influences how I feel from day to day and impacts my sleep. Not sure when I will be able to resume. I've also had way too much work stress but have recently found a solution to that issue.

I don't plan on being in therapy for years on end and think those are the only 2 improvements on my list to accomplish before I quit. My T is getting up there in age (nearing his mid 70s) and won't be practices forever. I don't want to see another therapist, and don't plan on continuing therapy after I've resolved the last two issues.

I should also note that I had a good deal of pre-verbal trauma and a sibling who is a sociopath and did horrific things to me, most of which I wasn't even aware until I discovered I was fragmented into parts.

Hope that helps.