Cannot find a decent psychologist for the life of me...

I've got some issues with depression and OCD that are pretty severe right now as I've been dealing with an extremely painful breakup. Even before the relationship, I knew I wanted to begin therapy again after not having attended regular sessions since I was a teenager. I have been to roughly half a dozen therapists (two of which were psychologists) and have had difficulty finding one I've connected with. I've literally scoured the Psychology Today website listing many of the therapists in our region and none of them have caught my eye.

I am writing because I'm considering going back to the psychologist I saw briefly last October. I'm hesitant to go back because of some of the things about her practice which caused me to look elsewhere. She is a very kind, insightful woman in her 50s and I liked that she actually provided advice and a new perspective rather than JUST listening to me talk. I know it probably sounds stupid, but I was turned off by three things:

1. Her office was very dated and struck me as strange and somewhat uncomfortable.
2. She doesn't have a secretary so making appointments/payment is rather unconventional.
3. When I do make a payment, I give it directly to her. This seems incredibly strange to me.

I wouldn't go back to her but I am desperate for a psychologist who I connect to and the options in my area are limited. I'm not interested in doing online therapy either. Has anyone else had a similar issue? Should I overlook the things listed above and go back to her?

Only you can prevent neurotypical jerkiness!

I don't think it is unusual for them not to have a secretary. I have never used one who had office staff. I would not like using a secretary for payment or appointments. I want the therapist to have to deal directly with me.

To be honest, the complaints you listed seem trifling, especially since you describe her as kind and insightful.

If those are the only issues you had with her, I wouldn't hesitate to go back. I've actually had much better experiences in general with therapists who manage their own scheduling and payment. Handing a check directly to my therapist was a little odd at first, but not a significant issue once it became routine. A strange office space is also something that can be adjusted to (I suppose it depends on just how strange, but still) as it becomes more familiar, and pales in comparison to the value and difficulty of finding a therapist who's actually competent and useful. Hope it works out for you.

I think a lot of therapists in private practice don't have office staff to handle scheduling and payment. Paying my therapist has become a comforting ritual for me because I don't have to start talking as soon as I sit down. And, honestly, I wouldn't want to deal with office staff. I like dealing directly with him. It feels more personal. If otherwise she was a good fit, I think you can become accustomed to these things and they won't feel so odd to you anymore.

Thanks for the input everyone. I'll contact her tomorrow, I'm just hoping it won't be weird seeing as I cancelled my last appointment (in October) the day of and I guess I technically owe a late cancellation fee. I hope there isn't any resentment there.

Only you can prevent neurotypical jerkiness!

Well, it probably wasn't too cool skipping out on paying the fee. Maybe you could make amends by bringing the topic up when you call her so she knows you intend to make good on what you owe.

Seems like you know these are trivial obstacles in the search for a good therapist. Complaining about the office is like complaining about her clothes. Complaining that she doesn't have a secretary and thinking its unconventional is probably not correct; in my town this is the norm; 3) this goes along with #2, unless you want to mail payment in, just ask.

Did you ever watch Seinfeld? Running joke about the reasons he would break up with a girlfriend, always the least substantive things. My advice is to focus on the substance and go back or at least give it a try. Maybe this is an issue for therapy, too, do you often "break up" with people or leave relationships for less than substantial reasons? It took me awhile to get over the instinct to cut and run everytime a relationship hid a less than ideal patch.

I think Relational PyschoDynamic / Pyschoanalytical therapists are the most engaged and interested in relationship. For me a therapist with a PHD, and psychodynamic capabilities are a must.

For me, none of these things would be a deal breaker. They all seem like things that can be adjusted to. That is my personal opinion. What is more important, in my opinion, is how good the rapport is with the T, if you feel you can trust T, can you open up and talk to T etc. HUGS Kit

I agree with others that your 3 complaints were quite menial, to my perspective. 2 & 3 are standard operating procedure for most of the therapists (mostly psychologists) I've had, and I've gone through about 9, so I know how hard it is to find a good fit. As for your reason #1, I have considered that a bit in my decisions to leave a therapist, but it was low on the least of reasons.

As said, I do understand how hard it is to find a good therapist fit. I had various reasons for having difficulty forging good relationships with therapists. I will say that if you again feel uncomfortable with the therapist you mentioned, or if she rejects the idea of working with you again, do look beyond Psychologist Today. Psychology Today is a great resource, but there are many other therapists (including Ph.D. psychologists) out there. Do you have insurance? If so, be sure to look at that list first. If not, I'd ask people in your area for recommendations. That could be your general practitioner (or any other doc) or friends. Also consider running general searches through other doc find websites.

A small self-run office isn't so unusual and it could explain the out-of-date appearance.

My marriage counselor I saw, and my step-son's school psychologist, ran their practises out of their homes. The marriage counselor took payment at the beginning of the session (needless to say we only saw her twice).

You do have valid questions regarding the old therapist you saw. Yeah, you need to be in a comforting setting.

What I am going to say however may cause some discomfort....

If you haven't already I think you might need to evaluate why the other therapist's you have considered are not good fits. Is it possible you wish to avoid any difficulties that might arise? Have you been put off by a therapist's directness or implications that there might be a problem? I think it really important that we seek out someone who isn't just going to validate us. I think it important that we engage someone who is going to challenge us. If that makes us uncomfortable then I think that is a sign the therapist is doing their job to a degree. Perhaps this isn't the case at all; still, it is a point we all need to ponder on occasion.

Out of curiosity, the ones you said you didn't connect with--how long did you see them? If it was just a session or two, you likely didn't give it enough time to form a connection. When I first started seeing my current T, I got this sense he was arrogant and kind of a jerk, but I'd only intended to see him for a short time anyway to consult about a particular topic that I was stuck on with my now-ex-T. But I've now been seeing that T for a year and a half. I think he just came off a certain way in the beginning, and I was used to relating to ex-T (and ex-marriage counselor), so it was just...different. But now we have a great rapport and he's been very helpful (yes, we've had a few conflicts, but we've gotten through them). And I pay and schedule with him directly.

So if you try your most recent T again, and either she won't let you come back or you don't feel comfortable there, think back to the other T's you've tried and consider if it could be worth trying one or two again. You've also likely changed some since you saw them before, so it could be different.

Also wanted to say that I understand how an uncomfortable setting could make you feel ill at ease. Ex-T and ex-MC changed offices at one point, and I had a lot of difficulty adjusting to the new offices. I never felt as comfortable there, partly because they were smaller.

I would have to say that I disagree with most other posters in the concept that these are trivial things. They bother you so they are important in some way. My T has moved or is in the process of moving offices and got new furniture. I absolutely hate her new office and would not have even given her the chance had I met her under in this set up. We talked about some of it and she's offered a compromise (for now).

I have no problem working with my T directly regarding scheduling. I absolutely love that she has a billing person and I am able to work with them about payments. In fact, they have my health savings account credit card on file and chart as appropriate, sending me the receipt.

The best I can say, is if she seems good in other ways - talk to her about these elements and see what can be done to help alleviate the stress.

ETA - spelling
Thanks for the catch, fixed.

I would hope that talking about it wouldn't elevate the stress, but it might.

I couldn't resist.

Hi Indie'sOk,

Thank you for sharing this.

In regards to your 3 points / red flags:

If you decide to go back to her:

1.) Is it possible that you could bring up your concerns about her office in session? Perhaps there is something that can be learned from it - both for yourself and her. Maybe she could do something to make you feel more comfortable in her office - like allow you to bring something or even make small changes to facilitate your level of comfort.

2.) & 3.) I have had therapists who do not have secretary's. I personally dislike private therapy because as soon as money becomes an additional interaction - it makes the connection seem fake and paid for rather than genuine. It also becomes a conflict of interest in some cases. While I understand your concerns and feelings, keep in mind that not all therapists can afford to have a secretary. Perhaps your plight isn't so much about the fact that your therapist doesn't have secretary, as much as the act of paying her invites a feeling of disconnection. Does this resonate with you at all? If so, perhaps you can bring this up with her and see what else can be done.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz