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Poohbah
Soccer mom
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Member Since: Jun 2014
Location: United States
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#1
Do any of you struggle to talk and you're not exactly sure why? My mom was an alcoholic and addicted to pain meds. I've realized after her death how much she didn't give me. T wants me to talk about my losses so I can grieve and eventually get past the anger and forgive.
She's asking simple questions like what do I wish she gave me and how do I wish she treated me. But it's like I go blank and can't talk. Almost like subconsciously I don't want discuss it. Yet, I want to move through the process and get to the point where memories of my mom don't bother me anymore. |
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chihirochild, HD7970GHZ, Omers, SalingerEsme
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Grand Magnate
DP_2017
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#2
Yes. Look into C-PTSD, I have it, I am also avoidant attachment, both of those are reasons why. I find that asking the therapist to lead AND writing things down can be helpful
__________________ Grief is the price you pay for love. |
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Omers, SalingerEsme
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wheeler
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#3
I often shutdown and can’t or won’t talk, although much less now. It has helped me to discuss why I shutdown as opposed to what am I having trouble talking about.
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Omers, SalingerEsme
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Grand Poohbah
SalingerEsme
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#4
I have c-ptsd, and experience that blank/ amnesia feeling under emotional pressure. Sometimes it is dissociation. When I was a small kid, I went more than a year without talking, though now I have totally normal speech/ interactions. Under emotional pressure and just T's proximity to secrets and wounds, I almost regress back to that time of not being able to talk. I promise it gets easier with each tiny bit of trust in your T and yourself. Be patients with yourself, and remember that everything your unconscious does is trying to help you stay safe.
__________________ Living things don’t all require/ light in the same degree. Louise Gluck |
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Omers
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Poohbah
feileacan
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#5
Very simply put your (or your body and unconscious mind) do not feel safe or comfortable enough in therapy sessions. For some people with early trauma background (CPTSD) it can take a very long time to even get to the point where so-called "real" therapy can even start.
But that's something we have to accept. The only thing I know what to do in this situation is to work on developing more trust and safety, i.e. work on the relationship. The safe and trusting relationship with the T is the basis for everything else. |
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guilloche, Omers
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Grand Magnate
Omers
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#6
My T and I go through this a lot. We had a first moment of connection last session where I was neither dissociative nor hyper vigilant. I asked him how I could be present with him like that more in our sessions and he said to breathe and to stay grounded.
__________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
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Rive.
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#7
Maybe you don't feel safe enough to open up. Is there anything T could do to make it easier (safer) for you to speak?
Maybe you could email T a list of topics or a 'letter' about any particular topic before a session - so she has the material and could go through with it, with you, during session. Did you tell T that there was too much pain for you right now in discussing it and going into details? Maybe T could go slower? |
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guilloche, Omers
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Anonymous56789
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#8
I didn't have this issue, but that was related to my defenses.
Speaking of defenses, when an idealizing transference starts to dissipate, you're left focusing on yourself and all the painful emotions now that the intense transference is out of the way. If you were dealing with transference on that level, you weren't really getting to your core self. And that's the stuff that can be most difficult. The transference sort of blocks access to your inner world on a deep level. Not sure if that's relevant to you but it can happen that way. |
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Omers, Soccer mom
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Anonymous41422
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#9
I found that the ‘core stuff’ was particularly tough to talk about. Shutting down was always one of my default defense mechanisms in therapy when I was moving too fast and getting to the core stuff too quickly. One of my therapist’s strengths was how gentle she was in not pushing and allowing me to talk about things at my own pace.
I think it took about 4 years to start talking about my childhood abuse (and even after 8 years didn’t get to the worst of it). It takes as long as it takes. When I tried to push through that initial shutting down it typically resulted in severe emotional flashbacks and physical symptoms that mirrored what I was talking about. There was also a disconnect between what I WANTED to talk about vs what my system could handle. I’d say listen to your defenses and your body while gently challenging yourself when you can. |
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SalingerEsme
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Anonymous45127, SalingerEsme, Soccer mom
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Xynesthesia2
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#10
I never had problems talking in therapy and am usually very verbal, but often used discussing irrelevant things to avoid revealing and addressing the real issues. It had nothing to do with comfort level, only with my own avoidance, when I was not ready/willing to get into something. For me, what usually works well in those situations is someone challenging me in direct, thoughtful ways - push me to away from some superficial, perceived comfort. Unfortunately that's not what many Ts tend to do habitually, mine certainly did not do it or tried to use challenge that was more their own defense and had little to do with my problems. I like people best who tell it as it is, but in a respectful manner that shows they actually understand it. I personally do not need safety from a therapist as I find nothing threatening in those situations, the only safety I require is confidentiality. But not many people are good at intelligent challenge and calling BS.
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guilloche
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#11
What Feileacan and Rive describe, re: safety, was (is) and issue for me too, and really perfectly sums it up.
I've had friends that I was able to be a bit more open with. When I think about the difference, I felt very safe with those friends and felt like they cared deeply about me. I haven't ever actually experienced that with a T... I believe they care, but I've never had the same sense of "non judging" or of "deep caring" that I do with friends. It kind of sucks, b/c it doesn't seem to be something you can actually ask for - how do you tell someone, "you need to care more!". And, when I've tried to explain some of the things that have made me feel not safe (judged) - I often end up being seen as very difficult. Sorry, I don't know if that's at all helpful!!! I guess, I just wanted to say that I can related, and the previous posts were really accurate for me! On other thought - maybe those questions *aren't* actually simple? "What do you wish your mom gave you?" - that doesn't necessarily seem like the type of thing you would already have queued up in your head - do you maybe need some space to really digest/think through it before you can talk about it? (I have trouble "thinking in front of T" - I'm an introvert, I want to take questions home with me to process/think through, then come back once and talk about them once I've had a chance to really figure out for myself what I think/feel. But, I haven't had a T who understands this!) *hugs* |
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Anonymous41422, SalingerEsme
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Poohbah
Soccer mom
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Member Since: Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 1,478
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#12
Hmm, I had never looked into C-PTSD. I feel like I didn't have as much trauma as what it describes. My T. does allow me to email her and I've written a lot. Writing is so much easier than talking.
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Poohbah
Soccer mom
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Member Since: Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 1,478
180 hugs
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#13
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Poohbah
Soccer mom
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Member Since: Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 1,478
180 hugs
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#14
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Anonymous45127
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