Probably my last upsetting session

I told my therapist that I’m so depressed that I sit in the same spot for hours and can’t move. His response was that I can move-I’m making a decision not to move. He cited all the different times that I have moved-I walked into his office, went to work, etc. I tried to explain my depression to him. His response was that I seemed frustrated with him, and that I say his suggestions won’t work. (Not sure what he was referring to.) then he says “what do you expect me to say to you?” I clammed up at this point. In hindsight, some understanding of depression and not being such an insensitive jerk would help. I can get his remarks for free from other people. I hadn’t seen him for two months, and he didn’t seem to realize that I had cancelled appointments. I had cancelled my previous appointments because I had tried to talk about the horrible images I was having of my mother’s death, and he was “challenging” my thoughts. I really needed to talk it through, but he was focused on the fact that it had been 5 years and I was still bothered by what I saw. I only talk to him about minor issues, because he is so harsh about things that really bother me. I think it’s time to call it quits. I don’t think I will ever get help.

Hugs...I'm sorry your therapist was being so unhelpful. It sounds like he's trying to use tough love or some similar technique. But I know from personal experience that if you're depressed, it generally won't help. I definitely understand the desire to have validation and understanding instead of his being critical of you. If you've been seeing him 5 years, it might be that you've hit the limits of where he can be helpful to you. I saw ex-T for 6 years, felt like we were stuck, then tried out another T for a bit. I've now been with the "new" T for a year and a half. Getting a different perspective and different therapy style has helped me get out of a rut. I still struggle with depression and anxiety but have made considerable progress since seeing him. So I'd suggest at least consulting with a new T (I did that once a couple months ago when I felt a bit stuck with this T, and it helped--just saw the other T for a single session). It sounds like maybe you need a different therapeutic style.

Thank you! This is very helpful!

I would also suggest trying a new T. My T would never be that way with me. Especially the grief stuff my T would find your T’s response troubling.

Sounds as if you're having a horrible time processing your mother's death, as anyone probably would. Not sure what the circumstances were, but obviously an intense trauma. Can't understand why a therapist wouldn't want to help you directly with this...

I’m sorry for how your T reacted. I think trying a new T would be for the best. You deserve someone who understands you and works with you with where you are in the process. You deserve healing and it seems that with your current T, finding that healing will be difficult.

Hugs

As someone who is incredibly pragmatic, I can understand what your T was doing but I don't agree with it. I think one of the skills of being a good T is being able to meet your client where they're at, sit in their shoes, and have some compassion for their situation and experiences. It sounds like your T failed in this regard.

When I'm doing well, I tend to be very much like your T. When I'm not doing well, I tend to be like you. Having a T like me or yours simply wouldn't work for me. We all want to be heard, understand, and valued. When what we express falls on deaf or uninterested ears, none of that happens. Ts need to remember that when we're depressed, we aren't functioning like we do when we are well. A completely different approach is absolutely necessary.

I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed out of the session. Options are - move along to someone else who can be more of what you need, or try and talk to your current T and see if he can understand your upset and work to improve relations with you. Neither are fun options so I hope you can find something that works for you.

I read this in my book and wanted to share it.

“Therapy requires support through encouragement, challenge, and accountability for strategic risk taking. Therapy is a place to feel safe enough to explore while leaning on the edge of discomfort.”

I thought that was a perfect summary.

I also wanted to share my experience.

I’ve had this situation happen in my therapy in the past and I almost completely gave up on therapy. But then I decided to give it one more chance and I tried therapy with my current T, and I am SO glad that I didn’t give up. As it turns out, this T is wonderful and sometimes I can’t even believe it because I was deeply hurt by my first T. I never thought that I would get over that but now I’m with a great T who does challenge me but he does it in a compassionate, validating, and understanding position.

My T’s approach is the same no matter what. I think that’s a lot of the problem. He’s even said when he works with children, the same approach works with autistic children as it does with children who are acting out. As a great grandmother with a severely disabled great grandson, I find this troubling.

Thank you! My therapist used to tell me his office was a safe place, but it sure doesn’t feel that way.

Thank you for all the responses. Each one has given me ideas and hope. I don’t feel so alone now.