Do you ever feel like pushing your therapist away?

I had this only briefly with my regular long term T. It was after the rupture and there was a brief time I felt "scared" of him, but we worked through it and all was well. I wanted him to be "closer" actually... and I'm not normally like that

I am thinking I'm at this point with baby T and t3 (even though at this point he's only a back up)-- I'm unsure why with baby T exactly. Other than my usual, I get this way a lot with most people and it's to "save them from me" in a sense, I feel I'm annoying an a waste of time and space and in this case, he's very popular and could probably do much better without pissing away 50 min of his week with me. Yes I know it's self worth issues but I still feel it, although it's not as bad, It's just a little, or maybe I just want distance because I'm depressed and I push people away in general when I am. I'm not sure

t3... even though he very much intrigues me in the sense that I think his "style" could actually be the best for me, of ANY T I've seen (and I'm thinking even though he stinks at grief, he might be holding back there because he knows I can't see him regularly right now) but he has a few things that remind me of my T. Like smiley faces in emails and trying to ask me about things I enjoy, it drives me crazy and I want to scream at him. He has no right trying to "replace" T.... even though the isn't actually TRYING... the illogical/anxiety part of me is convinced of it.

Both of them, try to be funny and I refuse to engage in that. Normally humor is my biggest coping skill but I don't want to do anything with either of them that I did with my T. Just no.

I'm just wondering how normal this is since I didn't really experience it with long term T. Although being avoidant in general, I do this to ALL types of people in my life, constantly. Any advice on it? Maybe another break will be good for me? I'm thinking of one with baby T very soon.

The mental gymnastics you seem to be doing to avoiding natural interaction with others in order to avoid some possible pain down the road seems exhausting. You appear to be on full-on avoidance mode. The irony of trying to purposefully avoid feelings is that you are constantly thinking in terms of those feelings. It's like trying to think an itch into going away; the itchy feeling just magnifies and becomes unbearable. Hate to tell you, but I think perhaps you need to discuss this active avoidance with your therapist because, honestly, I think you are magnifying the issue for yourself.

I could be but when I brought up the thing with baby T about not wanting to do anything with him that I did with my T... he just said "it's good you are able to recognize those triggers" So I think it's not an issue for him.....

Both of them know I'm avoidant, I was honest about that straight away. I just feel lost... although now that I learned what "ambiguous loss/frozen grief" is... I kinda understand things more and don't feel as frustrated with myself, that frustration was hugely weighing on me

I do sometimes push the therapist away, but for different reasons than you. Sure, sometimes I am annoying, but I don't feel the need to save the therapist. She can fend for herself. I just have my own boundaries, and I want the therapist to "stay back," as SD would say.

It amuses me to think of you ignoring their attempts to make you laugh. Love it.

I'm not sure why you think another break would be good when it sounds like you're also identifying avoidance as a problematic behavior in your life. I have no issue with breaks, but if you're doing it with Baby T because you feel like he's wasting his time on you, that seems like an illogical reason. If you're doing it with T3 because you think he's trying to "replace" your T, that's also completely ridiculous, which you know.

I don't know what would be best for you, but I am confused about why you think a break would be helpful. I think the reason it's popped into your head that it might even be helpful is because you know it will relieve some emotional discomfort due to the issues you mentioned. However, this is not a therapy-isolated issue, so it seems like it might be something to work on instead of indulge in, if you can bring yourself to do that.

The issue of "Saving them from me" isn't just therapy, it's literally everyone. I do it with friends, co workers etc. I always have. I feel they are better off without me or shouldn't have to deal with me, the only plus with therapy, is I'm paying them to put up with me. So at least they are making money off me

Oh ya, baby T used to do it a lot and then I never laughed or I'd change the topic and he hasn't done it as much. I did chuckle at one thing he said in the last session but then he replaced it with someone super annoying and I was back to being annoyed with him, which I like LOL

I just don't see how therapy is helping me, I feel like it isn't. That's why I want a break. I also said with baby T from day 1 that I am only interested in short term therapy. It's nearly been my 90 days with him, so I think I just want to step back and be on my own two feet. See how I can do. I think/hope shifting focus from grief to something else, like my self worth will change a lot of my depressed feelings. I need that issue to just go away for now. It's nothing that can be changed by them or me. So I need to just accept it and move on.

I am not 100% sure on a break yet but at the very least I will be taking 2 week break after my last scheduled appointment on April 25. Baby T is out of town and I have a week long pet sit gig. So I'm not going either week. Maybe that will be enough for me, who knows. After that I'll decide if I want to continue or not. I may just wait until June and the other guy is on my insurance.

I push her away frequently. I see it as part of my job as a nightmare client.

Yes, I have wanted to push T away. It was just a few sessions ago. I walked in and told him I really wanted to push him away. He was shocked that I told him rather than acting out. He was very kind about it. T explained that wanting to push him away is often part of the process and it is OK. He said it usually tells him that we are at a spot that the client really needs to work on so he welcomes it... as long as I don’t run away never to return... then he would worry. Because I told him I wanted to push him away he asked if it was OK to keep going with what we had been doing last session or did we need to talk about something else and he gave some options. I decided to keep going. T was even more kind, attentive and supportive and we went until I got too upset. Then, just before I would have disassociated he asked if I wanted him to stop so we did. It ended up being a good session.

I can totally relate to the feeling of wanting to push T away, I can also relate to the feeling of "saving others from me" - I am much the same way with people - not only T, but friends and co workers as well. Not only that, but I find people in general to be scary, especially if I am sharing something about myself. In my job I work closely with people in a helping profession, and that to me is not scary, because the focus is not on me. But for people in my personal life (friends, family, etc) I tend to hold myself at a distance.

I recently decided to take a break from a relatively long term T (had been seeing her for about 1 year, every other week-ish). Going to sessions made me incredibly anxious, and very often I felt like I completely shut down and was unable to speak even though I wanted to.... it was all very puzzling to me. In any case, T went away for about 2.5 months and initially I missed her a lot and was looking forward to her return, however the closer it got to when she came back, the more I wanted to not go. I forced myself to go to the session I had scheduled (after her vacation) and we talked a bit about it, but I had pretty much made up my mind that I needed a break at that point. It was really surprising to me how much my feelings had changed. I've done a lot of thinking about it and I'm sure it has something to do with her leaving, triggering some abandonment fears, etc ("I don't need anyone, I can do this on my own", "I'm going to leave before you leave" etc.). Not sure if any of that resonates with you, but I can certainly relate to how hard it is to go against those feelings. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

I never feel like pushing T away. T is just being T and I don't have the right to "push" her anywhere.

But, I often remove myself.
I just... leave. Physically and/or emotionally.

I am glad you get the save them from me thing. It's so exhausting but I don't know how to stop it. Hopefully self worth work will eventually help. As long as I don't quit in the process.

As for the other, I am not sure it's a fear with therapy as much as it is knowing. Like there is no fear of abandonment or them leaving, it's something we KNOW will happen the moment we begin therapy. I just can't keep doing that to myself. Lucky thus far with baby T, there is no attachment, it's a very different feeling I have where I dread going, get annoyed with him while there, happily leave and then go about my life during off hours. It's nice as well, because I don't feel bummed about breaks or anything, I am thrilled to take them. I never wanted long term therapy again so I always planned for this with baby T to be very short lived.

I don't mean actually pushing anyone.

It's more an avoidant/distance thing.

I know you don't mean actually pushing anyone. I just... think of the concept differently. I don't push other people away. I just... leave.

Yes. I tend to follow a pattern where I share a lot and feel vulnerable, and then pull away, and then slowly grow closer again. Strangely though, ever since my t disclosed how he feels about me as a person, I haven’t felt the desire to pull away as much.

I’m not sure if I push him away. I’m not even entirely sure what that would look like in my specific situation. Sometimes I feel like my need for a connection with him takes over everything else in session, so pushing him away wouldn’t make senses.

On a subconscious level, however, I noticed on a few occasions that I deliberately allowed myself to feel disproportionately angry at some things he said just so that I could stop myself from feeling so attached. It didn’t last very long though, usually by the following session the longing was back. Maybe pushing him away a bit would do me good, idk.