The past few months have been rocky. And I guess I'm just fading out of therapy, just not in the ideal way where someone grows out of it or feels like they've gotten the care they needed.

I've been seeing this therapist weekly since August 2017 with a break from Feb 2018 to April. Though I originally sought mental health help for ADHD I ended up agreeing to therapy for depression. It hasn't improved at all. I struggled with therapy a lot and trust. I also suffered from suicidal ideation.
In June 2018 she had me hospitalized and said it was because I'd been having the thoughts consistently for so long that she was worried. This led to one of the worst experiences I've had, and I pretty much hit rock bottom. I won't go into detail about my experience but will say that after I was physically sick for a few weeks with the most intense anxiety ever. I considered not seeing her, but the thought of starting over with a new therapist, and the fact that I'd intentionally withhold information about ever having SI has kept me from ever seeing anyone else. Also a month later she stopped accepting insurance. But seeing how I wasn't paying rent I could afford her fee, though even when lowered is 3 times the amount I paid with insurance. Our relationship improved greatly after this though, but not much else. Though I no longer have SI, it's more like the frequency of those thoughts have been replaced with the fear of being locked away again. I still get nightmares.
Things have come up, but no major ruptures. In November I tried her group sessions, I didn't find them that much more helpful though. And because of my work schedule, it wasn't something I could attend. It did spark the idea to get a job with a more normal schedule. Then over 2wk holiday break I applied to some place and had an interview and job offer by our next session. I was a little excited about the new position, but also anxious realizing it may create difficulties when it came to continuing therapy. I can recall having a meltdown the week before starting the new job, and the last day of my old job. I felt overwhelmed and couldn't figure out why I had strong feelings about the possibility of not being able to see her anymore. She said we'd figure out a time and mostly didn't want me to worry. I still worried, and ended up having another meltdown at sudden session cancelation email. Then the following weekend a sudden change of appointment email confirmation. These things had never happened before, usually if there was a change in scheduling I'd be contacted by her or her assistant directly. I think I felt so highly affected because I already worried about fitting into her schedule. We've had some phone sessions, but it's remained difficult to schedule. I haven't had an appointment since the last week in March. I called to make one with her assistant, but there were none I could attend or even call into. I became discouraged from making appointments since and have gotten no calls, so doubt she's worried. So now I guess that's it, I'm done with therapy.

When I try to think about what I was getting out of therapy, I guess most recently it was a form of emotional/social support. I don't really have friends, don't hang with coworkers, and mental health isn't something that's really discussed in my family. I think I kept going because it felt like something I should do because I'm aware I struggle with my mental health.
Even if scheduling was easier, I'm currently searching for an apartment, and can't really afford to put 20% of my monthly income towards therapy anymore.
I'm not really sure what I'm asking as far as replies. I just feel lost, and don't know what to do with all this hopelessness. Like what to do when it seems like there's no point.

[SalingerEsme]

I am so sorry about the way therapy seems to be ending. Do you feel she is fading you out or did I get that wrong? She needs to be responsible, and provide you continuity of care with referals or she must see you.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. HUGS Kit

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I am so sorry about the way therapy seems to be ending. Do you feel she is fading you out or did I get that wrong? She needs to be responsible, and provide you continuity of care with referals or she must see you.

Yeah pretty much that she's fading out, I feel like she's just given up on me. When I first got the job offer she reassured me that we'd find a way to make it work, but she didn't really do that. Prior to starting it, she mentioned possible spaces she had in the evening. But once I started the job, they were reserved.

I think this hits me particularly hard because the last things we were covering before things fell out of wack was why friends would leave me without any obvious reason, disagreement, fight, etc. Now she's just another one of those people..

[here today]

What I found, in my last therapy, was a reenactment where my T rejected me, triggering a feeling/memory 6 months later, of being/feeling rejected by the (older) women in my family.

It was the T's stuff, and a bad ending. But, where does the realizing of that feeling about my family leave me? Luckily I had a support group IRL and this forum to process stuff on and 2.5 years later I'm somewhat less afraid of rejection, not taking it quite so personally if it happens. It's the other person's thing when they do that -- but it affected me, too, as it seems your T's stuff has affected you. Can't change that, it certainly sucks that it appears she couldn't follow through for you.

Have you considered trying some new way to get involved with people with whom you might eventually develop some form of mutual emotional/social support? The support group I mentioned above formed itself -- it's not any formal mental health thing, although all of us had a history of depression. But we met in another group that we were all members of, that we had found on Meetup.com. Meetup has more types of interest groups in large cities of course. If there's nothing that appeals to you where you live, perhaps there is some other way to find people who are interested in things you are interested in. No guarantees, of course. But in the midst of hopelessness. . .one step at a time is often all I can do.