Crying in session and progress in therapy

I know I posted this in the In Session thread, but this is still rolling around in my head, a comment my therapist made at the end of my last session.

So I will just throw this out there as a general question, because I am thinking about how this pertains to my own progress, but I am also genuinely curious about other's experiences: What do you all experience or believe about the value (or not) of crying (or not) in therapy?

I'm still pondering this. I do cry often in my sessions. I am faced with a pretty daunting challenge, without a lot of opportunity to let my emotional guard down, so it tends to be pretty close to the surface while I'm there venting about and exploring the issues I don't usually talk about. Crying and not-crying has been a recurring theme in my therapy. My first "assignment" was to cry in the shower or somewhere where no one would hear me, because I was so tense I was practically vibrating; later on, I sobbed my way through every single session.

(For what it's worth, my therapist is typically empathetic and we work well together. It feels to me a bit like it was an unguarded moment, like she tipped her hand a little. But fruitful, I suppose, as it's given me a lot of different directions to think on.)

I have had therapy on and off for many many years and I can count on one hand the number of times a tear rolled down my cheek in a session. Even then it would have been a single, silent tear that was quickly wiped away. I suppose my eyes might have "brimmed with tears" more times than that, but even that has been a seldom occurrence.
So in my situation my therapist would be thrilled if I out and out cried.

Personally I would love to be able to experience emotion freely in therapy, we have certainly cried many swimming pools full of tears in solitude over the course of life.
But I doubt we will ever feel safe enough to freely feel emotion in the presence of another human being. The handful of times when a tear has accidentally spilled out it has quickly been mopped up, swept under the carpet and made "gone" again.

So I guess people in therapy have different goals for different reasons. Some might need to work to contain emotion while others might work towards expressing it.

Maybe for you in that last instant your therapist was counting not-crying as a sign of good work in therapy. That doesn't mean she was right or that that was one of your goals. Maybe it was just a flippant comment gone wrong.

I agree with both of these points. For me, being able to cry in session felt like progress because I had trouble accessing and tolerating my emotions (I was much more likely to try to laugh it off). I also had difficulty trusting another person to be vulnerable enough to cry in front of them. I cry more often than not in session now, and I feel fairly comfortable with it. Sometimes my tears catch me off guard, and then it's useful to stop for a minute and ask myself why whatever I'm talking about is provoking more emotion than I had expected.

But sometimes if I can talk about a certain upsetting thing for the second or third or tenth time and not cry, that can be useful to notice because it indicates that I am handling the thing better and am feeling less distressed by it. It's not really my goal to cry less, though, because I don't think there is anything wrong with crying.

It's hard to know what your T meant by her comment, if anything. I sense that maybe you feel a bit judged? Since you're still thinking about it now, it seems like our might be worth talking about with her.

I often cry in session--we joke that I'm on the "platinum tissue plan" with unlimited tissues. Sometimes it's more just tearing up a bit. Other times it's more regular crying, bordering on sobbing, where I might go through a dozen tissues and have trouble talking at times. It doesn't necessarily represent where my mind is, though. There are times when I've been feeling pretty awful, like today, but not shed many tears for whatever reason. (I told T that I thought maybe I used most of my tears up the night before. Or the Allegra was drying them up.) Other times, I'm pretty emotional, even though I thought going into session that I was mostly doing OK. The most telling thing for me is if I suddenly start crying over something T says or that I say. Particularly if it's not something I would have expected to make me cry. That can be a good clue to something that's affecting me.

I agree with what EM said, where if I can talk about something that usually makes me cry but then it doesn't, that can show progress. I used to cry every time I talked about ex-MC with T. Then there was a session where I realized I talked about him a bunch bit didn't really cry. T agreed that suggested I'm making progress.

Also, I tend to do a lot of crying in the shower, when alone in the car, or when alone at home on the couch. I don't have as much trouble letting the tears out if I'm alone. I cry in front of H at times, too, if I'm feeling really bad. I tend to have difficulty crying for the first time in front of someone, but once I've sort of broken that seal, it's easier to do again. It's weird, when I was talking to the backup T during the week that T was away a couple months ago, I started crying right at the beginning. Maybe I felt more at ease with her because we were on the phone, or maybe I was just in such a bad state that I would have cried with anyone giving the chance of relief. But then when I saw a T for consultation a month before that, I didn't cry once, despite talking about some intense topics.

I do find sometimes that it can help to get the tears out--I think there's some chemical (maybe a hormone?) that is released in sad tears. So if it's a really weepy session, I can leave feeling both exhausted and like a weight has been lifted because I got those emotions out. With not crying much today, it felt a bit different. There's also something about T just sitting there with me when I cry, generally not commenting on it (he will occasionally ask me what's going on if it seems to come out of nowhere). It seems to help normalize it and make me feel accepted. Because I would sometimes get punished for crying as a kid--or like if I was in trouble already, then kept crying, the crying prolonged it. And I think I got this message that if I cried in front of someone, it was this awful thing. So it's somewhat healing to be able to just sit there and do that with T. (And one of the most affecting moments with ex-MC was when he'd asked me a question, and I was crying so hard I couldn't answer, and I was just like, "I'm sorry," and he said "It's OK" in such a caring voice that it just really affected me. I think that's about when the transference kicked in.)

I have trouble crying, but I think I did cry once in the past months when I went to my T. I generally am not able to cry and sometimes I feel I would feel better if I could. I try to cry alone, though, because it makes my h feel uncomfortable I guess.

Ok here's my crying story. I was 6, when I last cried in front of anyone. (long and traumatic story) After that, I only cried if I was alone. It was hard but somehow I learned to suppress those emotions very deeply. One of my first sessions with T.... I "shocked him" by asking him what would happen if I cried? He casually pointed to the tissues and I stopped him and I was like "No, I mean, are you gonna yell at me or laugh?" He could not believe that I even thought that. He said "Absolutely not, that never even crossed my mind, in fact, I might cry with you"

Forward a few months when my dog got cancer and I started to talk about how would I handle losing him and we discussed crying more. He and I talked quite a bit about what would be the best reaction for me and made some "plans" for it.

1 week after he died, I had a session. This was 6 months and 1 week after I began therapy. I brought in a letter I wrote to my dog and read it, I began sobbing and he responded beautifully. More than I could have ever dreamed. That was the first time in my life that I felt "Normal" and ok for crying. I didn't cry much in therapy in general but I was able to even look him dead in the eye and cry a few times after that. I cried with him on our phone calls. It just became easy for me. For sure progress.

Then he left in December and I shut down.... In Jan things got really bad and I decided I need to try therapy again and I walked in, first session with a man I never met and just sat down and cried. I wasn't phased in the slightest and I realized as I left... I never could have done that without T. Very much progress. I have cried with baby T 2x and back up T 2x. I think it's also huge progress that I don't feel the "urge" to apologize for it. I think everyone is different, there is no right or wrong for crying. I remember those first 6 months with T, I was so jealous of all his clients who could easily cry. I wanted a moment with him like that. I thought something was terribly wrong with me.

At any rate.... for some it's just more normal and natural. That's ok. It doesn't always have to be a measure of progress, sometimes it's just being yourself. I am very much the same person I've always been with crying in regards to no way I'd cry in front of family or friends but I've become someone who doesn't care at all if I cry in therapy.

The woman I hired first tried to get me to cry and went on about me not trusting her. I am not much of a crier and it is not something I find release from doing. Finally she stopped that. But then later she was talking about having her dog with her at her office at times (never ever when I was there - I refused) and told me that when clients "broke down" the dog would go over and lick them and that would "clear that [crying] right up" - which seemed a bit cruel to me to try and get clients to cry, then mock them for it and hope the dog got it to stop. I am very glad I did not fall prey to that ploy.

I never thought about this before.

Lately, I usually only cry after trauma flashbacks, but am no stranger to crying. I'm quite emotional in sessions, so to me it's just another form of disclosure rather than a sign of progress.

My T doesn't react or bring attention to my tears. Come to think of it, I don't think he's ever brought up the subject.

Sometimes I feel some relief afterwards, sometimes calmness.

Crying has never been helpful to me, so increasing the frequency of crying (I rarely cry) in any scenario in my life would not feel like progress for me personally.

You know, I've been wondering that, did that comment strike me because I feel judged somehow by it? I mostly feel interested in why this keeps popping up, but also feel a little bit "Really? WhatEVER." Judgement would be inconsistent with who my t has been in my therapy. I suspect she likely intended to convey something similar to what you and AmyJay are both pointing out about the ability to contain the emotions as topics roll around again, and the timing and tone missed the mark since we couldn't really pull back and discuss it.

I have found that when something rolls around in my head like this tugging at my attention, there's usually something there for me to learn. So partly I am trying to figure out where this fits in my big picture of therapy and recovery, and partly I am taken aback because the things I am talking about are daily and immediate and hard, and it seems that crying is a pretty appropriate emotional response.

So...grist for the mill, is that the saying? She's gone for a couple weeks. Maybe I'll have it all sorted by the time she gets back.

I cry a lot but not due to any "deep" emotions or issues. My primary issue now is adhd and dealing with stress and I cry often cuz I'm so stressed out and exhausted. I also cry easily in general and my therapist doesn't react anymore. I almost don't react to it. I can be crying then get distracted from that feeling and go on talking about something "neutral" while tears are still rolling down my face. Crying's just not significant to me. I also don't feel self-conscious or anything.

I guess in general I see crying as a sign of comfort and trust so I'd consider it good.

I cry a lot in my sessions. I feel there's two ways of me crying. One is just uncontrollably sobbing, not really knowing why anymore, not even feeling sad anymore, just waterfall. That type of crying is far too intense and probably not useful. Then there's crying in a less intense manner, still need a tissue and all but I can still feel and think. That type I think is something good, it helps me calm down and makes the emotions bearable.

I wouldn’t love that comment either if I were in your shoes. I wonder if she was just being a bit clumsy though in trying to articulate some kind of shift she’d noticed in your state of mind or in your way of coping or talking about things.

Like perhaps it came across as praising you for not crying (which, I agree, odd) but what she may have meant was something along the lines of, “it seems like you’ve really got this now, this thing that previously had such a hold on you is now not so huge or scary.”

I don't read her comment, in this context, as a general statement that crying is negative and not crying indicates progress. Crying can indicate progress in many ways, a bunch of which have been articulated by the people here, but so can a shift away from a crying response (which is not the only way to be emotional, in or out of therapy).

Sometime earlier this year I had a chance to tell someone I just met but trusted about the story of my spouse's death and some upsetting things that happened after it with our extended family. It happened quite a few years ago and I've told the story numerous times to different people, but never without choking up and/or full on ugly crying, or somewhere in between.

There was some kind of different emotionality in this particular telling where I realized that I had greater distance from the pain of loss and betrayal. I felt both connected to the emotions but not the "drama" attached to them. It seemed like I emotionally owned the story and told it in a way that was both factual and that demonstrated how I really felt. It did seem like progress, that the strength of the emotions had lessened and in some way I can't explain, it felt more authentically emotional than the weeping itself. My words and thoughts were more distilled, like my brain had figured how how to communicate with fewer words and greater meaning.

I think emotion as part of talking about experience is usually a sign of some kind of progress. The people I worry about are those who talk about trauma like they are reciting a grocery list. Talking itself is a sign of progress, as opposed to wanting to talk about it but being able. Emotions can manifest in all kinds of ways, and it can be emotional to not cry. I'm not 100%, for me, that crying in therapy is particularly useful as any kind of indicator in therapy. I tend to see it as just one of the many important things that happen in therapy, but it's not my definitive goal, nor have I ever found it to be cathartic per se.

Yes.
This is a part of it that I wasn't quite getting my finger on or my words around. I don't see crying (in therapy) as an indicator of progress or not.

That doesn't mean that my t doesn't or shouldn't see it as a behavioral indicator of progress or not. More that something in that the idea of crying as some kind of yardstick doesn't match my idea that crying is just crying and isn't a measuring tool.

Here is the value of tossing ideas around with others. You hit a nail on the head that's at least part of what I am puzzling over.

I've only cried on my last session with my former T. So crying in session would have been progress for me. I haven't cried with current T although I could feel myself getting emotional a few times. I don't think there is anything wrong with crying in session or not crying in session. There were times I wish I had been able to cry in session, but it just didn't happen. Doesn't mean I wasn't trying, or I wasn't working hard, just didn't happen. I do think that not crying about an event after usually crying about it could represent growth. But I think the opposite could be true too. My two cents. HUGS Kit

There are therapist articles on this topic if you are interested:

(PDF) Crying as Communication in Psychotherapy: The Influence of Client and Therapist Attachment Dimensions and Client Attachment to Therapist on Amount and Type of Crying

My client is crying – The Relaxed Therapist

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/....1002/cpp.1879

(not endorsing, just sharing)

I have been working on being able to feel and express emotions for the past few years with both T. As a young teen I learned to numb out. The about 15 years ago somebody I was VERY close to moved away. I was heartbroken. I sobbed hard by myself and I remember very clearly thinking I would never allow myself to get close enough to a person that losing them work hurt me like that ever again. Nor would I cry because it accomplished nothing. There were times I really wanted to cry with T but just couldn't accept for a tear or two.

When I lost T I cried A LOT not only outside of therapy but on the phone and in session with EMDR T. It has only been the last maybe month I can talk about T and not break down. We see it as progress because I am slowly working through the grief process rather than getting stuck. I have only cried one with EMDR T one other time when we were discussing trauma. So for me crying I therapy is progress but also so isnt being able to discuss a topic and not crying.

On balance there were few sessions with former T in which I didn't cry, whether just welling up or full on sobbing. Having grown up in a "I'll give you something to cry about" environment, experiencing that my tears were acceptable was important. And since I burst into tears early in the very first session, I was able to experience that acceptance before there could be any ambivalence about crying. I suspect the immediacy and intensity of that emotional interaction had a lot to do with establishing such a strong bond between us.


But my T only addressed the crying directly in that first session. I think part of the acceptance for me was in not drawing attention to it thereafter. So I wonder if your T making any comment at all about the crying has brushed against some earlier sense/judgment/shame? Could the lingering feeling be from something forgotten or displaced?

If I can't fall apart in therapy where else can I do it? - to me that is what therapy is for.