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Old 04-18-2019, 09:36 AM #1
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Unhappy Heartbroken after today’s session

Warmth and connection is something that isn’t important to my T and when he said that, it deeply hurt me because that is what I want in a therapist. So because of that, he said maybe we’re not a good fit.

Can someone give me some evidence that supports the importance of that in therapy?
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Old 04-18-2019, 09:54 AM #2
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Default Re: Heartbroken after today’s session

It probably isn't to the therapists, but it can be important to the client, you can ask him for things you want or need, if he can't meet them, then sure you can find someone new
I am glad you got in, it was nice at least that he got you in on short notice after missing yesterday, that's pretty dang kind.
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Old 04-18-2019, 09:59 AM #3
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Default Re: Heartbroken after today’s session

I don't see that as kindness - if the guy had a slot open then having a client fill it is just business as usual.
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Old 04-18-2019, 10:03 AM #4
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Default Re: Heartbroken after today’s session

I think connection is important in therapy. If there's no connection, I imagine it would be difficult to open up and share difficult feelings (at least for me). Less sure about warmth. My current T isn't particularly warm (he has moments), but he's been helpful to me. Ex-marriage counselor was very warm, and I miss that at times, but I don't think it's necessary.
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Old 04-18-2019, 10:23 AM #5
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Default Re: Heartbroken after today’s session

I think connection is a important thing in therapy because we are sharing our deepest emotions and hurts, and desires in therapy. My t is not always warm to me but i feel like he truly cares about me and my well being, and that too is important to me. Hugs Therapy is a relationship although it is one sided it takes time to trust and open up to someone. Hugs
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Old 04-18-2019, 10:32 AM #6
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Default Re: Heartbroken after today’s session

This probably speaks a lot to my disconnected nature, but connection is a very slippery experience. Connection can occur through pattern, familiarity, obligation (professional or otherwise), and so on. It is not necessarily a meaningful state. I am not sure what people are referencing when they describe connection in a therapeutic relationship.
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Old 04-18-2019, 10:35 AM #7
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Default Re: Heartbroken after today’s session

Doesn’t it depend on our goal(s) in therapy?

Connection and warmth are important to me in my current therapy.

But if I went to therapy with a goal of, perhaps, help with performance anxiety at school or work, connection and warmth might not be as important.

Hope, if connection and warmth are important to you in therapy, I feel your current T is telling you he is not the right fit for you unless you can use his expertise for some other purpose.
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Old 04-18-2019, 10:42 AM #8
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Default Re: Heartbroken after today’s session

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopealwayz View Post
Can someone give me some evidence that supports the importance of that in therapy?
Working at Relational Depth in Counselling and Psychotherapy: Amazon.co.uk: Dave Mearns, Mick Cooper: 9781473977938: Books

But just because something is a demonstrably beneficial way of working, doesn't mean all therapists work that way, or should work that way. If its not your therapist's style or training, I dont think it is possible or useful to convince him otherwise.
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Old 04-18-2019, 11:10 AM #9
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Default Re: Heartbroken after today’s session

What was the context in which this was said? It seems like a strange thing for a therapist to say, so I am just curious. Not trying to grill you or anything.

I think it's up to you to decide whether or not you're a good match, not him. Did you feel rejected when he suggested you might not be? In my experience, psychiatrists are not very warm and fuzzy, and they don't really emphasize "the relationship" as a vehicle for therapeutic change the way that many therapists do. Of course, that is not an absolute rule and I am speaking about psychiatrists in the US who almost all stick to med management and don't do therapy. Does your therapist do therapy with anybody else, or are you a special case he was taking on?

I do agree with Echos that you aren't going to be able to change his fundamental way of working by providing evidence that what you want would be helpful.

You seemed happy with him before (apart from some hiccups), so maybe his words hurt but don't actually mean he isn't a good therapist for you. That's just an idea, and may be wrong.
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Old 04-18-2019, 11:17 AM #10
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Default Re: Heartbroken after today’s session

I’d say if it was important to you as a client, it is important. To me it was always crucial.
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