Couch 194: The Floral Couch

Morning couchies! I am more stiff than sore today. So that is good. Showered every couple hours during the night, will see how I do without the ibupro stuff today.

Hey couch. Feeling awful. Really really guilty that my chief cancelled my patients for the week. I think I might need to go to the hospital.

I did manage to shower and eat though so woo-hoo for that.

Hugs chihirochild.

Reeling from T yesterday. He is trying SO hard and I am so hurt that finding the connection is hard. He did seem pleased that even though I have not figured out how to allow myself to feel connected to him I still validated his ginormous efforts. He seemed touched when he saw me crying over the emails and how much they bother me. I think we both know now that they are my way of acting out my feelings about therapy that I can’t yet bring to him. His only comment on them was the insight they give him on my inner world. I did sense a bit of relief from him that email is how I “act out” in therapy... I don’t sabotage, I don’t try to go after him, I don’t usually berate myself (other than over the emails), I don’t SH, I don’t get Sui (as a general rule), I don’t drink, do drugs or any of the other self destructive things... I bombard the hell out of his email. I don’t know if it was accurate or perception but there was almost a relief that if *this* is how she is going to act out her feelings that she can’t say, I’ll take it!

I showed him the apron I had made but as expected was too ashamed to tell him about the dream or how the apron connected to the dream/our work. He did suggest an activity to help me quiet and feel connected. I declined because we only had 10 minutes left and I would feel rushed. It wasn’t until I got home and decompressed that I realized that activity was EXACTLY what I needed from the dream... he was totally in tune with my need even though I had said nothing. So he got an email begging to try it at the start of the next session when I would have plenty of time. Pretty sure my younger “parts” came out a *tad* exuberantly in the message... he will smile.

My classes end this week. Hurrah.

@Lemoncake

It's a 175g egg - 7 servings apparently, and I've had three or so today. The Critic is being a ****, and I want to reach out to R to confirm whether we have something set up for Thursday, but I don't feel like I can.

Debating if I should try to get in today or not. I mean, yes I feel awful but I don't always need therapy when I feel awful, I'd be going daily if so. I am not sure if this is a big enough issue to bother him about. I do see baby T thurs night but this wont be brought up. It's not part of what I do with him.

T emailed back this morning and told me it was still ok to email him and he hoped it was helping me to email me. He also said it was helpful for him as well to have the insight I share with him in the email. He just confirmed I am in the cancellation list and assured me that I would be the first to get in if he had somebody cancel. So, I appreciated the response.

I generally am scheduled a year out.. I am on his calendar for every other week forever. It’s when I decide to go weekly do I have a problem getting in. Which is kind of frustrating. The month of May I see him weekly except for one week.

I just compared my T to shaving cream... this could get interesting...

I had a t (not my t) offer a hug for the first time ever. And I was so surprised with my reaction. My son had therapy yesterday, and at the end of the session sometimes his t and We catch up on what’s going on and sometimes my son and I play a game together as we are working on building a connection.

But- yesterday she brought me
Back and said that my son who generally is unaware of other people’s feelings and his most of the time because of autism. Told his therapist he felt like something was odd between the two of us this past week. That caught me off guard and I tried to choke down tears, but I couldn’t. I rarely cry in my own therapy appointments, let alone my son’s. So we talked with my son, and then his t and I talked for a couple of minutes alone. She knows that I am a long term client of my t (they are in the same practice) and have issues of my own so we talked about it being ok to show my son that I am crying because of my own crap. We get up to leave and she says do you want a hug. And it was automatic, emphatic no.. Lol. She said she figured I would say that, but that she would offer.

I have thought sometimes that I may want a hug from my own t. But maybe not. It maybe different if my own t offered, but I really don’t think so.

Did you decide if you're going in?

Debating sending a scheduling text or email to R. I would rather not go into detail about how the last couple of weeks have been over email, though.

I personally never look at the servings. Anything could be broken down into suggested servings, but I think if I was hungry enough I could eat alot of chocolate.

I think it would be good to confirm if you have a session.

I'd just send her a text (or email) asking if she can see you this week. You don't have to go into it all in the scheduling request.

I don't know yet. Decisions are too hard. Seeing T tmrw AM.

I've started taking my sleeping pills during the day so that I can sleep and make the time go by.

I've just sent a scheduling text. *grabs blanket and hides*

I did that with former T. It helped to know that she knew where I was going and why. I don't think it's a bad thing. I think of it as another support. HUGS Kit.

Today is what would have been my dad's 77th birthday. Yesterday in session we were discussing some things that my dad did that hurt me when I went for a visit for his 70th birthday. These things were a bit out of character for him and may have been the beginnings of his disease, but they really hurt me and no one (husband or mom) at the time stood up for me and told him to back off. For context, one incident happened when we went to visit the area of their city next to the river and I suggested we rent some bikes. He yelled at me how stupid that idea was and then continued to berate me for 5 or more minutes on the street corner. I think I tried to escape by going into a shop for a few minutes and when I came back out he was still pissed. There were other incidents on this one trip. I feel that our relationship was damaged by this stuff, at least on my end. I feel so guilty that I let this affect our relationship. Now he's dead and I can't fix it.

Made the mistake of asking about today 3.5 hrs ago. No reply. I am tired of ignoring from people. Say yes or no. Not that hard. Now i feel like a bother and I'm writing him off
I'll be t shopping again at some point, sigh