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Merope
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Trig Apr 27, 2019 at 04:54 PM
  #1
Do you ever feel like you are not doing enough to help yourself?

For the past year or so, I've become very antisocial. I know that anxiety and depression can make one retreat into their shell, which is what I am doing, but I've now fallen into the trap of feeling that compared to all of my friends, I am a massive loser.

I'm in my mid-twenties and I feel OLD. I go to work (where I enjoy myself because my team is like a family) and then I come home without any energy to do anything. I relish in canceled plans and I've started to bail out of things last minute. I worry that I'm going to lose all my friends and that I won't ever have a romantic relationship again because I won't meet anyone and if I do, they'll realize how messed up I am and will run away.

I find it impossible to motivate myself to do anything and then I end up feeling anxious and upset that I'm wasting time. Most of the time I feel like everything is pointless. And then I panic that I feel this way. I feel like I'm letting myself down, like I don't know how to pick myself up. I don't want to get to middle age and feel like i've done nothing with my life because i didn't have the energy or the resolve to pick myself up.

I love my T and at the moment, therapy is my lifeline. When I'm more optimistic, it makes me question things and push things and change the way I think. When I'm having a bad day, I wonder if it's enough, if things will ever change. Sometimes I self-sabotage myself because for all the talking I do, i never actually muster up the energy to implement any changes. And then the following week i go back to him and I moan about the same things without having changed anything. He probably thinks that I'm whiny and stupid and annoying. I feel like i am every single one of these things and i hate the idea that he might think of me in this way.

I'm sorry for ranting so much. I'm just so tired of all the things this ****ing depression has taken away...my motivation, my hope for the future...I'm just tired of everything.

How can it get better if i'm not doing enough to help myself?
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Default Apr 27, 2019 at 04:58 PM
  #2
Yes... although to be fair, I had grief in 2017 and 2018 and just been really down with all that, so it's been harder. I am also avoidant and generally not social. I am pushing myself with small social things here and there but I don't think it will ever be enough.

I feel like I let T down too, he never really saw me be super social and probably thought I was a hopeless loser.

I really don't know what to tell you but depression sucks for sure. Just keep talking about it in therapy and trying to push yourself with small goals here and there.

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Default Apr 27, 2019 at 05:25 PM
  #3
I relate to this so much. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down on yourself. Sometimes it feels like a vicious cycle... am I depressed because I’m not doing anything, or am I not doing anything because I’m depressed?
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Default Apr 27, 2019 at 09:09 PM
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Unfortunately I often the opposite. In an attempt to not think I often over extend my commitments. Consequently, I become exhausted and sick. If I commit myself to help others I will just push through no nattsr what. EMDR T and I are working on this.

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Default Apr 28, 2019 at 05:45 AM
  #5
Thank you. I don't have a good response to this at the moment, but you've articulated something I've been pondering for a while.

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Default Apr 28, 2019 at 08:59 AM
  #6
Maybe you've already done this, but have you expressed your desire to stop this to your T in session, and asked for help in stopping this? It does sound like depression is driving this, natural and normal. But it also seems like how you are living is NOT what you want, even if you "relish" it. Do you understand what's driving this more deeply, this disconnect from others? Sometimes I need my friends to reach out to me, I don't want to reach out to them. Sometimes I need to feel more in control of my life, so I cancel things or say no to things just because it makes me feel powerful. I haven't always felt powerful in relationships with others.

It sounds like this is both cognitive, perhaps shifting your conception of what's good for you right now, and partly behavioral, which is following through on what you yourself want. I think this is an issue that could be good to address directly in therapy.
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Default Apr 30, 2019 at 08:46 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
Maybe you've already done this, but have you expressed your desire to stop this to your T in session, and asked for help in stopping this? It does sound like depression is driving this, natural and normal. But it also seems like how you are living is NOT what you want, even if you "relish" it. Do you understand what's driving this more deeply, this disconnect from others? Sometimes I need my friends to reach out to me, I don't want to reach out to them. Sometimes I need to feel more in control of my life, so I cancel things or say no to things just because it makes me feel powerful. I haven't always felt powerful in relationships with others.

It sounds like this is both cognitive, perhaps shifting your conception of what's good for you right now, and partly behavioral, which is following through on what you yourself want. I think this is an issue that could be good to address directly in therapy.
Thank you for this. I have brought it up before, but not quite so coherently. When I'm not feeling too strongly like this, it tends to fade in importance (and usually when I am in a session, other issues come up which seem to me at the time, more important.

I think my disconnection stems from not feeling happy. I feel so far removed from my friends when we go out and I can't relax, or can't share in their things. I love them to bits, but I feel like they won't get me when I'm like this.
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