[Lrad123]

I definitely have not experienced “big T” trauma, but I’ve for sure experienced some hard things in life as everyone has. My T has occasionally used the words “relational trauma” and “emotional neglect” and has described me as “sensitive” and I’m just having a hard time with all of these labels because it feels like he’s trying to make things seems worse than they were. When I said I don’t think my life was any worse than anyone else’s, he replied, “I think it was.” But I genuinely disagree. And even if it was, I feel like I’m over it. I know my parents loved me and did they best they could even if they were not completely aware of my every emotional need. But he seems to be encouraging me to keep bringing things up and last week he said something about not being able to move on emotionally until we process certain things from our past. He commented on how I try to protect my memories and always say things like “I’m fine” or “it was normal” or “I’m just an introvert” when he tries to talk about certain situations both from my childhood and adult life. I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to do here. I’m trying to figure out how to do therapy and I like my T, but I don’t understand this part. I don’t feel the need to complain about my mostly average past. It sort of feels like some cliche therapy thing to bash your parents and I’m just not feeling it. Not looking for therapy-maligning comments. Just trying to figure this out.

[feileacan]

Can I ask - how do you know that your parents loved you? Did you feel they were close to you? Did you feel their support? Where you able to go to them with all your problems? Did you feel that no matter what happens to you, you have a safe place to go where you are accepted and understood? Did you feel you can trust your parents with your problems and count for their help, both practically and emotionally? Did you feel connected to them?

Also, I think you've mentioned that you have kids? How about them? How do they relate to you? Is that similar or different than how you related to your parents?

[susannahsays]

I don't know, having a parent kill themselves seems pretty bad to me. That is not normal or average. And I remember you writing about your dad sort of rejecting you a bit, probably due to his own depression. Having a parent with mental illness is no walk in the park.

[ArtleyWilkins]

It isn't really about bashing your parents though. No one's past was perfect, even those with relatively "normal" childhoods. I had fantastic parents . . . truly. And I can remember also feeling a sort of need to protect them. But they weren't perfect. They dropped the ball along the way, not intentionally, not with malice, not even in a way to would be on anyone's radar except that those moments did impact my life. Sometimes the impact was indirect. For instance, because of choices they made with the best of intentions, I ended up in the care of someone who abused me. They couldn't have foreseen that. They didn't "do" that to me, but the result was a chain of events that affected me for the rest of my life. I hold no anger toward them about that choice; I never did. But, it was still something I found helpful to at least explore and discuss. Other less "significant" impacts were the simple family dynamics, siblings, etc. that shaped who I am today.

Talking about those people and events, even when they weren't in themselves traumatic or even at face value that significant, was important to understanding my adult personality, my adult reactions, my adult relationships.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by feileacan

Can I ask - how do you know that your parents loved you? Did you feel they were close to you? Did you feel their support? Where you able to go to them with all your problems? Did you feel that no matter what happens to you, you have a safe place to go where you are accepted and understood? Did you feel you can trust your parents with your problems and count for their help, both practically and emotionally? Did you feel connected to them?

Also, I think you've mentioned that you have kids? How about them? How do they relate to you? Is that similar or different than how you related to your parents?

I just don’t think most parents are perfect. I know that my parents wanted the best for me and that they tried. I had food and nice things and a great education. I also have a sibling who I think was easier to parent. I was probably not extremely connected but I wasn’t entirely unconnected if that makes any sense. I sort of understand what you’re getting at, but I’m just not sure that’s therapy-worthy. Is it?

I have 2 kids. My relationship with my daughter is wonderful and special and we are very connected. My son (a teenager) is pretty much angry at my husband and me all the time. This is a big source of hurt for me because I want very much to be there for him, but he won’t crack the the door open to let me in. I hoping it’s just a phase.

[DP_2017]

I guess there is no set rules on how important something is. Only you can decide

That being said, I really relate to this post. I told long term t all the time that I didn't deserve to be there or my problems were more just me whinning
I honestly only went as long as I did so I could spend time with him. The talking about issues wasn't a thing for me

Now that he's gone and I had to go back. I've again felt this way. With baby t its like in my mind I keep thinking, I am no doubt his most boring client. I really don't need to come here and whine about losing my t. Many people deal with it. We talk other mundane things like self worth and my lack of social skills. Things everyone deals with at some point. I've ended things with him. I mean I'm still in the system but I no longer saw a point in wasting either of our time

I still have issues stemming from my family. In fact, i learned about enmeshment over the weekend and broke down crying. I felt so hopeless. I had a second breakdown over the weekend where I felt so worthless. Did I tell baby t any of this yesterday? No. I didn't want to bother him with my nonsense

Do I think I can tell any other t? Not likely. I always get in the room and suddenly feel like I shouldn't be there. I'm not sure I'll ever get over my issues because I cant see them or myself as important enough

I don't think I had any good advice in my post but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

[Elio]

For me, yes, talking about the ways my emotional needs were not met has been helpful. I do not feel like my parents were worse than other parents. I know my parents loved me and love me --- the best they can. They made their fair share of mistakes and they were not attuned to me or my needs.

As asked by feileacan -
Can I ask - how do you know that your parents loved you?
I know because they did do the best they could. I had food, clothing, things, was allowed to participate in activities.

Did you feel they were close to you?
Nope - at times they tried and at other times they did not.

Did you feel their support? Where you able to go to them with all your problems?
Not really, usually left to figure it out on my own.

Did you feel that no matter what happens to you, you have a safe place to go where you are accepted and understood?
Not understood. Mostly felt allowed to be rather than accepted. As a masculine presenting lesbian that at the age of 5 declared that I didn't want to wear dresses anymore yet was forced to until about the age of 9 to wear a dress during "special occasions" - my parents have accepted my sexuality and my partners over the years. As I transitioned my body even more masculine, they have not asked a single question about it. It's more of a don't ask, don't tell type of relationship.

Did you feel you can trust your parents with your problems and count for their help, both practically and emotionally?
Practical stuff most the time. Emotional stuff, no - I'm always left with commentary of how I should be, not what I'm going through.

Did you feel connected to them? Not at all. First they would have to see me for me and not me as some extension/reflection of themselves.

I answered those questions because it is through talking about these things, I have been able to see that some/many of the narratives I have lived with were not my story but theirs; I have been able to grieve for some of the things I didn't get; and I have started to learn more about what it is I need from myself. The biggest thing was to stop defending them and invalidating me. Every time you say they did the best they could, you are discounting what it is you needed at that time. Them doing the best they could and you needing something different or more are not mutually exclusive. Accepting that it was ok for me to need something more or different has been a slow process and is not linear for me; it has been one of the best gifts I could give myself.

Yes, my parents love me - yes, they failed at meeting some of my core needs as a young child. Was it their fault? Some yes and some no. Both my parents were raised in abusive households - some of that damage carried over in their lack of knowledge on how things could be different and in the lack of them pursuing their own work to have things be different for them and how they parented.

I guess, in trying to wrap this up the moral of what I've been trying to say is that when you explain or rationalize their behaviors and actions, you minimize, discount, and invalidate some part of yourself. Talking about this stuff, the little things that were moments of misattunement are ways to recognize and honor that part of yourself - finally allowing that part space to exist, live, be heard, and become part of you again.

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I just don’t think most parents are perfect. I know that my parents wanted the best for me and that they tried. I had food and nice things and a great education. I also have a sibling who I think was easier to parent. I was probably not extremely connected but I wasn’t entirely unconnected if that makes any sense. I sort of understand what you’re getting at, but I’m just not sure that’s therapy-worthy. Is it?

I have 2 kids. My relationship with my daughter is wonderful and special and we are very connected. My son (a teenager) is pretty much angry at my husband and me all the time. This is a big source of hurt for me because I want very much to be there for him, but he won’t crack the the door open to let me in. I hoping it’s just a phase.

It's not about parents been perfect or imperfect or comparing yourself with anyone else. It's about being totally honest with yourself and accepting that things affected you.

It seems that two things might be somewhat rigidly tied with each other for you: if you accept that how your parents were affected you deeply then you are sort of bashing and accusing them. You don't want to bash or accuse them, so the only option is to say that they wanted the best and thus it should be a no big deal for you.

There's not much room for movement when the logic is so rigid. You cannot explore your hurt and pain because that would mean that you are accusing your parents. If you cannot explore your hurt and pain, you cannot heal from that pain. So you remain stuck.

I have two boys as well, the older of them teenager now and we get along great. However, strangely he seems to be very sensitive to the processes that I go through, to the point where he is literally mirroring to me the same things that happen to me in therapy. It's truly weird, especially because he has no knowledge about it.

The good thing is also that as soon I seem to be able to crack something for myself in therapy, he seems to get over that too. Honestly, I don't know how it can work that way. Let's just say that because I want the best for him, I've understood that the best I can do is to work with myself and this will sort of carry over to him.

I think if your therapist is recommending digging deeper into your childhood, he is probably seeing something you’re not - either through the way you interact with him or through your current struggles. If you trust him, I’d just go with it.

With that said, I also think it’s normal and totally okay to not want to dig back and re-color your childhood and the people in it. I look at a specific person in my childhood very differently after bringing her into therapy discussions, and in many ways I wish I had left that part of my past alone. In the end, we can all be stripped down as very imperfect beings.

[stopdog]

I have no idea what the point of whining on about one's childhood is supposed to be. I told both women, in response to their questions, about what I can remember of it - but I still don't know what the point of it was supposed to be. As far as I can tell, it did not help me in any way to do so.
My parents were fine and I had no big deal of anything happen to me.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

For me it is necessary to overcome childhood difficulties because the remnants from that period of my life hold me back, sometimes in ways I don't necessarily notice right away. My T explains it not so much about blaming my parents but more about accepting that they were human and made mistakes and allowing myself to take control over the residual feelings and behaviors that resulted.

[SlumberKitty]

I struggle with this too in therapy. My mom is bipolar but she was undiagnosed when I was a child and thus unmedicated. Due to her own struggles, there were times when she just couldn't be there for my sister and I. I never felt like I could go to my parents with my own problems, because their problems seemed so big. I became the child that didn't need anything (but in reality really did need my parents). At the same time, my parents held up impossible expectations. Really truly quite harsh. Did they love me? Yes, truly, madly, deeply. Did they fail me? Yes. Was it their fault? No. It just *happened* So how do I deal with that now? I have no idea. I think a lot of the SH has to do with how I was raised, and then it sort of became a habit and it's how I deal with everything. But something was wrong when a nine year old child is hurting herself intentionally. But my parents loved me. I can't reconcile the two, but I find it absolutely impossible to talk about in therapy. HUGS Kit

[Salmon77]

Maybe it would help to think of talking about your childhood less as "complaining" or "bashing" anybody, and more about figuring out where and how you learned how to have relationships, and thinking about how that affects your relationships today. As far as I can tell there are no perfect parents in the world, everybody has a bad day or gets overwhelmed sometimes, or else stuff just happens. I think being unwilling or unable to acknowledge, even just privately with your therapist, that, yeah, things weren't great at times, is probably a sign you have pretty strong feelings about them that you don't feel comfortable with.

Like you, my childhood included some troubled times for the family and some objectively poor parenting—but they tried their best, it's not like they were beating me etc. etc. It's hard to look at that stuff, especially because my memory is not very clear. But I do think it is necessary for understanding where my fears/hang ups/problems come from.

[WishfulThinker66]

I suppose it really has to do with the level to which the events in your childhood affected you. Not everything we experience as an adult is seen through the tinted glasses of childhood.

[ArtleyWilkins]

The adult I am today is the very much the product of my previous life experiences -- those include my childhood. Understanding what influences were at play in the formation of my habits, my personality, my beliefs, etc. helps me to know myself better. When I know myself more deeply, I can think more critically about why I do what I do today, particularly what I do that seems to get in my own way at times. The ability to understand the interplay of those influences puts me in control of my life. I can make deliberate choices and decisions rather than feeling at the mercy of random, mysterious, uncontrollable crises all the time. For me it is about full self-awareness and using that awareness to create some control and contentment and peace in my present.

[Taylor27]

I had a extremely difficult childhood filled with tons of abuse and my mom died when i was 15 on a camping trip. So much of my therapy is spent with dealing with allot of my past and emotions i struggle with on a daily basis. I deal with it and also focus on the here and now. Now that my t is retiring and i will get a new therapist i will probably focus a great deal with the abuse i endured growing up and everything and i hope that will help the emotional pain i still feel in life today. I hope one day soon i don't have to go there as much as i still do. I have ptsd very bad and i hope to manage that too.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I don't know, having a parent kill themselves seems pretty bad to me. That is not normal or average. And I remember you writing about your dad sort of rejecting you a bit, probably due to his own depression. Having a parent with mental illness is no walk in the park.

That’s fair. I agree that was a big deal, and I have talked about that. I’m sort of thinking I’ve said everything I need to say about that. I mean, I genuinely feel like I’m over it.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Elio

I guess, in trying to wrap this up the moral of what I've been trying to say is that when you explain or rationalize their behaviors and actions, you minimize, discount, and invalidate some part of yourself. Talking about this stuff, the little things that were moments of misattunement are ways to recognize and honor that part of yourself - finally allowing that part space to exist, live, be heard, and become part of you again.

Thanks. It’s helpful to me to look at it from this perspective. For some reason it’s hard for me to actually be able to have this kind of conversation out loud with my T. It makes me feel like a big ol’ complainer. I do like what you said about doing this to honor myself though. I can wrap my brain around that.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by feileacan

It's not about parents been perfect or imperfect or comparing yourself with anyone else. It's about being totally honest with yourself and accepting that things affected you.

It seems that two things might be somewhat rigidly tied with each other for you: if you accept that how your parents were affected you deeply then you are sort of bashing and accusing them. You don't want to bash or accuse them, so the only option is to say that they wanted the best and thus it should be a no big deal for you.

There's not much room for movement when the logic is so rigid. You cannot explore your hurt and pain because that would mean that you are accusing your parents. If you cannot explore your hurt and pain, you cannot heal from that pain. So you remain stuck.

I have two boys as well, the older of them teenager now and we get along great. However, strangely he seems to be very sensitive to the processes that I go through, to the point where he is literally mirroring to me the same things that happen to me in therapy. It's truly weird, especially because he has no knowledge about it.

The good thing is also that as soon I seem to be able to crack something for myself in therapy, he seems to get over that too. Honestly, I don't know how it can work that way. Let's just say that because I want the best for him, I've understood that the best I can do is to work with myself and this will sort of carry over to him.

Thanks feileacan. Your responses are always helpful and you’ve given me some things to think about.

It wouldn't be the narrative or history or even detailing your parents' behavior that is important to uncover-it's about the disavowed feelings. You may have split off that part of yourself, and accessing those emotions and memories will make you more whole. You're talking through defenses here. Repression of painful emotions can eventually lead to repression of joy, which sometimes manifests as apathy, procrastination, or depression. And it will give you the opportunity to grieve for your father (which I wonder if you've grieved properly).

I agree with your T 500%. And now that you've trusted him more and the threat of relationship end is gone, you will be able to explore it all in no time. If you are done 'cancelling' sessions, the time will come real soon.