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Old 04-22-2019, 12:34 PM #21
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
I don't think she would find it acceptable if I said I hated her.
Why not? Have you discussed it with her? Or is it so that you don't find it acceptable?
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Old 04-22-2019, 05:01 PM #22
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

Well, she doesn't think everything I've ever done in relation to her was appropriate, and I think telling her I hate her is worse than some of those things. I don't think it's a particularly acceptable thing to do, either, though.
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Old 04-22-2019, 07:27 PM #23
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

How would you feel about showing T a printout of your opening post?

If only just the bullets points if you so prefer (you can expand if need be).
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Old 04-22-2019, 08:51 PM #24
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

My last T once told me that it was perfectly okay to say I hated her. By some of the things your T has said/done,I don't know if she'd read the same way. Does she have experience in dealing with alters and trauma?
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Old 04-22-2019, 09:54 PM #25
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

She has a lot of experience with trauma.
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Old 04-22-2019, 09:55 PM #26
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

I acted out and I'm feeling really gleeful and defiant.
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Old 04-23-2019, 05:52 AM #27
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
Well, she doesn't think everything I've ever done in relation to her was appropriate, and I think telling her I hate her is worse than some of those things. I don't think it's a particularly acceptable thing to do, either, though.
Right, but there is a difference between doing something and expressing a feeling. When you tell her that you hate her you are not really doing anything but rather expressing a feeling.

Or maybe you can give some examples what are the things you have done that were not appropriate? And did she tell you that it was not appropriate or is it your own judgement?
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Old 04-25-2019, 10:02 AM #28
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

I've been thinking about it, and I think that words do count as doing something. If they didn't, there would be no such thing as verbal or emotional abuse. I think expressing a feeling is doing something. I would not find it acceptable for someone in my life to express hatred for me. If someone hates me, I do not have a relationship with them. While therapy is different than "real life," in that the focus is on me, it would not feel right to me to treat the therapist with less respect than I would literally anyone else on the planet. And whether or not she can be hurt by anything I do or say is immaterial. I guess that I don't even need to consider her attitude on the subject.

If she had done something that deserved my hate, it would be different. My angst has come from wanting to do something that goes completely against my personal code of conduct. I think there may be an element of self-sabatoge.

She has always been receptive to my anger when I have expressed it in session. What she has deemed inappropriate has been when I have given ultimatums/threats over text message.
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Old 04-25-2019, 10:46 PM #29
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

I talked to the therapist a little bit about how I was feeling when I saw her on Tuesday. I told her right off the bat I was feeling really hostile towards her. Things stalled for a while after that, though. I refused to say anything else. It felt too vulnerable. She said she couldn't take responsibility for something if I didn't tell her what it was. I said it was her own fault I wouldn't tell her. I'm not really sure why I said that or if there was truth in it. She said she wasn't sure what to say since I wouldn't tell her what she had done or why I wouldn't tell her. At some point I told her I wanted her to sit there because she had to because it was my session. She said ok.

Eventually I told her I was angry that she had forgotten about the traumatic thing I had told her. She said she didn't forget, but then she screwed things up by mentioning a different traumatic thing that had happened to someone else (not a different client, I mean someone else in the same body). Granted, I had been the one who had explained about what had happened to her, so it wasn't completely out of left field that she would relate that event to me, but she still got it wrong. That thing didn't happen to me. And it wasn't the thing I had told her that did happen to me. So I was mad. She asked me to tell her which thing I was talking about, because she's been told many things. I refused, but I said I told her late last August. She looked in my chart and said it wasn't that she had forgotten the incident I had told her about, but she didn't remember that it had happened to me specifically. She said she was sorry.

I don't know if I believe that she remembered it. There's no way of knowing, and I very much doubt she would tell me if I was right and she had completely forgotten. I am also angry at the injustice that she didn't remember that it happened to me and not somebody else. She said something about it probably not feeling fair to me. That pissed me off because it's not just that it doesn't "feel" fair, it ISN'T fair.

She asked about other things I am feeling angry about. I said I am still angry at her for ignoring my text message. I said I understood she didn't know what I was referring to and maybe didn't know it was serious since we had been laughing in the previous session, and the question was if she had laughed at me. But I was still mad. And I said I hadn't felt I could wait until my next session because then I would have nightmares about her laughing at my traumas. She said maybe what I could do would be to call and leave a message if it's something like that instead of texting her, and she will give me a call. I don't really like that and it seems like it will take us both more time than is necessary when all I need is a yes or no, but it's better than nothing. I will take it.

She asked if there were other things I was angry about. I fibbed and said I couldn't remember at the moment. The other stuff was pretty petty in comparison to the items we had just covered and my heart wasn't in it. She suggested I write down anything I think of and bring it with me.

So... yeah. Not a bad session, I guess. Could have been worse. I'm a little bit disturbed by the detail that she apparently puts into her notes, but that's mostly my paranoia. I was faced completely away from her so I'm not sure if she does a separate formal therapy note for insurance purposes or not. Yikes.
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Old 04-25-2019, 11:50 PM #30
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

Yikes, I can understand why you were so angry at her. Trauma sharing is really vulnerable, and you need to know you can trust her with that information. Anger protects vulnerability. No wonder you wanted to lash out at her.


Just as an aside... our therapist always brings things back to "anything that happens to one of us actually happens to all of us". Our therapist is quite experienced with dissociative disorders but still doesn't seem to get that the subjective experience is quite unequivocal about this - something that happened to a different alter did NOT subjectively happen to me (and vice versa). I get the theory that there really is only one body/one person, but... yeah. Not.
I totally understand your sense of invalidation about the therapist getting another's experiences mixed up with yours. It matters. I am glad you were able to somewhat repair the disconnect with her though.
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