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Old 04-26-2019, 12:43 AM #31
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

Susannah, it seems that you had a fairly good session indeed!

I agree with you in that sense that saying things is doing as well and I also agree that in normal relationship situation it would be inappropriate to pour your angry feelings out to everybody.

However, I'm a firm believer that therapy is different, especially when the hate is transferential and symbolic as it seems to be in your case and probably in most cases. I don't generally hate anyone - I can't even imagine what someone has to do in order for me to hate them. Yes, I might be annoyed about stuff that people do and I may not necessarily like them very much but hatred? nah. But I have hated my therapist and not the real person of him because he has never done anything bad to me but I have hated someone that he stood for in those moments and in those moments I wasn't able to see clearly that he is just a substitute. Understanding that is also made more complex due to the fact that I don't ever remember myself hating anyone, so it's not totally clear who he was substituted with.

Anyway this means that there can be hatred hidden in person and it just doesn't go away in itself. You have dissociated personalities. The milder version is dissociated feelings. Hatred is a very strong and unacceptable feeling in many ways, so it has a larger tendency to get dissociated. But it's not gone, it's still there and is effecting you who know in what ways.

You have become in touch with the hate, that means it's not completely dissociated anymore, that means it's possible to work with that. How can you work with that if expressing it is unacceptable? You can't. And although you said that you find it unacceptable, it seems that you beautifully expressed it in session.

I don't think that saying "I hate you" in itself does anything. Without proper feelings backing it up in the moment it's just empty words. However, when the feeling is there, then you don't even have to say this particular phrase because the feeling will be conveyed anyway, regardless of the choice of words. I guess that's why I don't understand the common taboo with respect to this phrase.

Also, to me it makes totally sense that your T "prefers" not to receive angry texts and would like you to call instead. With text messages you are basically sending your hatred towards her but the possibility for real communication (receiving, understanding and responding appropriately) are very limited. So sending such text messages is really doing, while talking about it in session or even via phone call is still to my mind less doing, because then it is an act of interpersonal communication, which is what talk therapy is based on.

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Old 04-26-2019, 07:28 AM #32
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

I would think it would be extremely difficult for a therapist to keep what happened to one of your alters separate from what happens to another. They do technically and physically happen to all of you whether you are in a place to understand and integrate those experiences or not, but I hear that from your experience each person's is quite different from the other. I would guess that is a constant challenge in therapy. I'm glad you are sounding better today. I was concerned about you.
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Old 04-26-2019, 07:42 AM #33
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

Thank you.

Btw, a couple of you aren't familiar with my background, but I am actually considered an alter. C is the "main person." It has been very hard for me to accept this, but that is the reality.
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Old 04-26-2019, 11:32 AM #34
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

To me, it would make a lot of sense to be angry about being chronically dismissed and not receiving individual recognition (except for bad things). I have no personal experience with significant dissociation but if these personas have their own sense of identity, it is probably just as frustrating not to be recognized and respected as an individual, regardless of the physical reality of it (one body). And since the therapist is expected to be the one rare person to actually know about all this, of course it is maddening when she is confused and dismisses things. To me, that alone could be enough, being angry with her, not even necessarily projected or transferred frustration, although I guess the latter is likely part of it, too. I agree with others that it may be a good idea to talk to the T more about all this, maybe that way she would learn how to recognize and acknowledge the different identities better. Anyhow, I just wanted to express that I easily understand the intense anger and don't actually think it is exaggerated or out of place given the situation. I easily get how that would lead to thinking therapy is not useful.

I had a T in the past who was very bad at recognizing and handling individual differences even just between different people, very very dogmatic and projecting things all the time. It was infuriating and useless "therapy" for me as the analyses and potential solutions offered were not relevant to me and my history at all.
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Old 04-26-2019, 04:06 PM #35
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

@Xynesthesia2 To be fair, I did not intend to characterize her as not respecting my individuality in general. Like Amyjay's therapist, she does pig-headedly insist on seeing trauma that happens to one of us as happening to everybody, though. Maybe that makes it harder for her to remember which one of us actually identifies with different events. Not sure. But she's very big on talking about how I have my own unique strengths and C has hers, blah blah. She has listed what she sees these as, and I agree with her analysis. So it's not that she doesn't acknowledge or recognize that we're different. That would take some Olympics level mental gymnastics considering how different we are.

Thanks for validating that my anger isn't entirely transference. I do think it is reasonable to be angry that my single personal disclosure was not memorable enough that the therapist recalled I had been the one who made it. I had thought she had understood it was a big deal for me to have told her anything whatsoever. Knowing that she had at a minimum forgotten how difficult it had been for me made me feel like an idiot for falling for a therapy illusion - the illusion that anything I as a client say or do is especially memorable.
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Old 04-26-2019, 04:26 PM #36
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

I am kind of upset right now because I was really late to my session today, so it was obviously much shorter. Almost feels like it would have been better to have had no session at all. Everything feels all stirred up. Really depressed.

Somehow, we got on the topic of me possibly telling the therapist more traumas. Now I'm angry about this idea. Why should I tell her anything? She'll just write it all down in my chart and forget about it. What good does that do me?

She also started talking about how she thinks I know who this certain perpetrator is because it's clear C's mom must have known him. That made me feel really fearful and threatened. I don't know what it is she thinks but it's scaring me. And I don't know anything about anything, anyway. So I told her it doesn't matter. But she said sometimes it does matter. She said why she thinks this, then asked me to think about it over the weekend. Then we were done.

I want to steal my file and destroy it. And brainwash the therapist.
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Old 04-26-2019, 04:35 PM #37
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
Somehow, we got on the topic of me possibly telling the therapist more traumas. Now I'm angry about this idea. Why should I tell her anything? She'll just write it all down in my chart and forget about it. What good does that do me?
I get this. Former T always wanted me to tell her things that happened to me, and I of course resisted. Like you, I have trouble seeing what good it will do me.



Despite that, there is something to be said about someone else being able to hold what is said to them. Sometimes just telling my T something, without wanting commentary about it, and just having her hold it for me did me good. It was like, something in me could relax because someone else knew.



I don't know if that is true for you or not. Just thought I would put it out there. HUGS Kit
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Old 04-26-2019, 04:42 PM #38
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

Does it count as holding if it goes in one ear and out the other? I'm not sure. There's also my complex around her laughing at my traumas to consider. Giving her more material might make me more paranoid...
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Old 04-26-2019, 09:17 PM #39
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

What has she said around the laughing at your traumas? Does she see it the same way you do?
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Old 04-26-2019, 09:50 PM #40
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Default Re: Therapy isn't helping me right now

I'm not sure what you mean. My fear about her laughing isn't based on anything she's ever said or done. According to her, she would never do such a thing. She says only someone who is sadistic or who laughs when they are shocked would do that, and that's not something she sees happening with her. I asked her today to rate how funny she found what I had told her before was. I made the scale from 1 to 10 and said 1 was a little and 10 was a lot. She asked again what 1 was and then said it would have to be 0 because it wasn't funny at all. I asked if she was sure and she said she was positive. She asked me some stuff trying to understand why I would even think she would find it funny, but I can't explain it. So she just said it's tragic and abuse and there's nothing funny about it. And if there were people laughing about it she thought that was sadistic...
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