Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

t,

i still feel weird that you emailed me yesterday morning. shouldn’t you have been celebrating father’s day with your family?

me

You want me to tell you anything and everything, so today I'll probably get stoned beforehand and start telling you anything and everything.

Dear T,
I hope the funeral Thursday isn’t for someone you were close to. But maybe that’s why you seemed particularly affected by stuff I shared Friday? I appreciate your willingness to come in if I choose to switch from Friday to Thursday, especially if you aren’t scheduling any other appointments that day. Will see how I’m feeling Wednesday when you said to contact you about timing.
Love,
LT

....help

There is a wall between us I feel

Derm exam tomorrow. Just feeling exhausted and I want comfort more than anything.

After talking today with you, and after these past months or two, I have sometimes been reacting to things in ways that don't reflect who I am. I do understand that I have been under a ton of stress, and I suspect that that is why I didn't notice it, even if I should have. A few days ago,, it was like I finally felt the impact I was causing others. I am shocked because I am so sensitive, I"m not sure how I missed it. I really feel that I am more of myself right now than I have been in a long while. I would like to stay be grounded and I look forward to seeing what I find to do. Thank you for standing beside me,

I'm really struggling today. I almost want to call. I have used porn again. I'm tired of going to it, after what I know, and it's a compulsion. I know I want to stop but keep looking at, what do I do??

I am not finished yet.

Dear T,

Sorry about all that, I don't know what's wrong with me. But thanks for your replies, including the second one which was from your phone. I think I've figured out some of the things that triggered me, we can talk about them when I see you next, whether Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I imagine I can be a particularly challenging and frustrating client. How sometimes I'm two steps forward, one step back, other times two steps forward, five steps back. And I'm attached to you, and you've mostly been dealing with that OK. But it's freaking me out that you're going out of town in a week and a half--I'd feel better if your backup got back to me, so at least I could possibly see her, if she's around. Or I guess maybe your other backup? But I don't want to tell you I'm freaking out about your going away because I should be able to handle that, it's a week, FFS, I imagine you'll allow email. But I just feel that for some reason I've been teetering on the edge of a dark place and am worried that I'll totally fall down there. I feel like I need to apologize to you for getting stuck with me. Like you think you're doing well and helping me and I'm doing well, then I'm suddenly not doing OK. I imagine you'd prefer clients with a more regular trajectory, but then you've said it often doesn't work that way. I just...I don't know. Thank you. I love you and don't know how to deal with that. Not like how I loved ex-MC, nothing like that, but still it's there in some way. I think you going the funeral brought it out more, I don't know. Hm, there's a lot of "I don't know" in here, isn't there? Anyway, uh, I'm just rambling on to you via PC right now. Just grateful, I guess. And a little scared, too.

Love you,
LT

Thank you for being there for me. I like that you were trained in cognitive therapy I really like that. I find it helpful and your supportive. Esepcially like you're not judging. That you are okay with me being true to myself.

Dear ex-MC,
Could you stay out of my dreams tonight, please? Not sure what to make of the one last night.
LT

You did a good job today. You were attentive, gentle, and understanding. Today is one of the rare days that I don't dislike you. I left feeling a bit more hope. I still wish you were mean to me though.

Just so you know, my head might fall off.

Back to wanting to be alone again.

I don't want you to be there for me.



But I'm not gonna email to cancel my session.

Neuro exam in 20 days
Radiology in 48 days

My birthday is in 89 days.

You go away in 43 days
You come back in 69 days

Dear T,
Pretty sure I'm your most annoying and needy client right now, probably ever. Thanks for putting up with me. Please keep doing so.

Love,
LT

PS. Of course I wish you'd thrown in a "hope you're doing better this afternoon" with the scheduling text back and forth, but that's not what you use text for, and I resisted the urge to use it for any of that. I mean, I guess "sorry for the indecisiveness" isn't totally business, but you said "no worries," so I'll take that literally.

Really trying to tackle one moment at a time right now. Forward planning is hard when I'm feeling this wobbly.

Hey L, don't faint or anything but...

She asked me what my gender was and I said I was female when I’m actually gender non binary. Ever since I was a teenager I never felt like I was male or female but a mix. The one time I mentioned that I didn’t feel quite female to a therapist she just told me I was confused and refused to discuss it further. I just don’t fully trust this therapist. Although I wonder if it’s obvious in how I dress, look, and present myself since my family already has their suspicions as do other people I know. I wonder if she’s already figured it out. I wish I could trust her in general with things.

My head is still attached. I will probably come next Tuesday, so don't get your hopes up about getting rid of me or anything.