Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

I wish you were around on the weekends

I realised I seemed to have been enmeshed with you and wanted you to tell me how to feel and what to do. It very much feels like my relationship with my ex.

That sounds like a very good insight.

I think it is. It might explain why therapy kind of came to a standstill in the past couple of years. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't work out what.

I wish I called you yesterday when I was thinking about it. Then maybe you would have offered to talk to me again today like you did last week. And this week trumps last week by a lot.

Not sure what the best thing would be to hope for, for you and your family. Not that me hoping for something can help any damn way...

T: Insomnia, its so fun. I just had a minor heart attack in bed thinking I sent a private email to my boss to the entire team...but thank G*d it seems like I didn't. That would have been HORRIBLE.

I should be used to it by now, but it still genuinely surprises me any time you express real genuine emotions about my childhood stuff. I want that reaction from you, but it feels so misplaced and wrong when I actually get it. I want to reassure that it's fine, tell you not to look so sad, it doesn't actually matter, the child was just me. Somehow I don't think that would help.

Dear T,
I wish I hadn't sent that email. I want to send another that's just like "Never mind, you don't have to reply, sorry. I'll be fine." And I wish I knew what your actual travel schedule was--not like exactly where you're going (though I'd like to know that, too), like when you'll actually be in the potentially WiFi-free place. Because maybe you're there already and don't have WiFi. Or maybe you're not traveling till tonight or tomorrow. But since you wouldn't even confirm you were traveling at all, obviously, you wouldn't have told me that. Though, like I said, what, are you just maybe gonna turn off the WiFi in your house for 10 days?

I just feel like I should have discussed some things about your traveling more in session yesterday, like how to hold onto the attachment. Because it already feels gone, maybe because I didn't feel it yesterday like I usually do? I think I was trying to keep my distance emotionally, though I let some stuff out in the end. I think I was thrown off by your asking early on if I had an agenda for the session. As in your email reply earlier in the week, you'd said we should start with the vacation stuff. And yeah, you asked me about why I'm worried about you dying while traveling more so then than at other times and we discussed that a little. And we joked a bit about things related to your travel. But you seemed more sensitive and caring in the email than in session--maybe your brain was already in vacation mode? I should have seen you Thursday instead of yesterday... And then to say "Enjoy" at the end? I know it's one of your things to say, but I told you before that it bothers me when you say that if it's been a tough session. I wish you'd have spent a minute or two reassuring me at the end, or even just 30 seconds over the handshake. At least you said "take care." And I thought you were going to say something else to me as I was leaving, but you were just asking if I had my water bottle...It's going to be a long 10...well, I guess 9 days now. Glad I'm seeing R on Tuesday instead of Thursday.

Love,
LT

L, if it's not about blame, then why did you say it at all?

Whoa.

Because it is information and useful information at that. It's shining a light on a dark, hidden area so that we can work there.

But.

Doesn't light make shadows?

I am so confused.

I want to schedule two sessions the week after your vacation.

Dear T,
In an attempt to be more productive with my feelings and actually fill in the "creative" part of my tracking thing I created, I ordered some painting supplies on Amazon. Was able to get free same-day delivery, so maybe can attempt first one tonight or tomorrow.
Love,
LT

Back to feeling down again.

neuro in 9 days.

Dear T,
Thanks for writing back. And for saying it's OK to miss someone.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
And referencing something you said in your reply, maybe part of the issue is that I'm fighting against missing you. Maybe I do just need to accept that I do and move forward.
Love,
LT

I wonder what is happening.

You have reduced me to reading Zizek. There are lots of reasons for me to resent you, but this has to be the creme de la creme, the evental fall. See?! I don't even know if I am channeling Muriel Spark or some Marxist two-bit philosopher. Even wine doesn't help this $hit.

Actually, that's not quite true, wine helps quite a lot.

I'm still not sure how to acknowledge positive things in my life without feeling that I'm an ungrateful brat.

Hi L. I really hate that you moved the creepy woman picture to the wall next to the couch. With her that much closer I feel like she's watching me even more. Ugh.

I wonder what you will think when I tell you this.