Dear T: I really need to tell you something XL

T who isn't my T,
Thank you for the hug and thank you for not letting go
I wish you'd asked me before I put my jacket on. It would have seemed weird to take it off, but I think I might have been able to appreciate the hug a bit more if it wasn't through CE level 2 armor.
I hope that's not going to be the last hug I ever get from you, so there's time.

Thank you.

Get well soon <3

I miss you so much. Please let me come back in the future.

Dear T,
Nervous about today's session. Need to figure out which direction to take and not get hung up on, say, the thing about reducing sessions. I mean, I know what direction I want to take, but I'm nervous about it, so am afraid I'll just start talking about something else, then not get to the real thing till 1, when we only have 20-25 minutes left. And then I won't see you again till Tuesday, unless you decided to come in Monday. So I don't want to leave it all up in the air. Though that's part of why I sent the email, as I know you'd likely prompt me with "So do you want to talk about the thing you alluded to in your email?" It makes sense to discuss now, as it came out of Monday's session. Maybe I can get all my rambling out in this post...
Love,
LT
ETA: And I'd probably feel better about all this if ex-MC hadn't shown up in my dream last night. Sigh.

Thanks. It was nice to talk today like 2 regular human beings without all the extra crap that I sometimes seem to bring to our sessions. It was helpful and it felt good.

T: after a month break, it was really important to me to have a good session that followed my list of issues to discuss. It was so kind of you to offer me extra time and I can't even begin to say how thrilling it was to decline your offer, and stick to my plan of another scheduled session this week. Secretly, I think you just wanted to hear more about the obviously big changes I've made in my internal world. Listening to myself talk, just the way I could say certain things in certain ways with the depth I could tune into; connecting the past and the present, I get it. I understand some of the ways that a new relationship pushes me to my edge and sets the stage for the kind of growth I want and the kind of connection there is. Thank you for being such a good accompanist and not hitting the wrong notes or getting the beat wrong. After 10 years, I not only get a chance to see myself with some perspective, but you too. What you do is so understated and subtle but I do *see* you. Even when you have that goofy cheshire grin wonking across your face the whole session. Get a grip, T.

My go wants to start the process of referring me to another therapist next week. I wonder what you spoke to her about after I left you kept mentioning my texts in the last meeting. I don't want to see anyone else.

I haven't reacted to a therapy session like this for a while. I am weighted by the things I didn't say hidden under the things I did say.

I know it's not my fault. I know that I am not responsible for managing another person's behavior. That was a good discussion, about the gap created by new boundaries, and filling that space.

What I didn't say: I feel damaged in a way that cannot be undone. And alone.

I didn't say it partly because it feels unbearably raw to admit, and because I feel like it's my fault that I can't positive-think my way out of it. If only I did all the self care and all the healing things the right way.... But mostly I don't say it because what can you say that will change that feeling? Nothing, really. Best to leave it alone entirely so neither of us pokes at it or bumps it accidentally.

I miss you like hell!!

Dear T,

Thanks for a good session today.

-Butterfly

It is incredibly hard trying not to contact you.

Dear T,
Thank you responding tonight, however brief. It means a lot. Some of the stuff you said today meant a lot, too. Thank you for understanding and accepting me. And for not making me feel any sort of shame for what I shared. And for saying we can't help what we think or fantasize about. How it's just what we do about it. And for understanding that it's not about *you* but about what you represent. I keep thinking of what you said about how I just want to feel wanted. It rings true. As did your Lego metaphor. Maybe you can be part of my Lego foundation?

Love you,
LT

I know you feel bad about screwing up and you want to fix this but I am just not ready. I don't know if I ever will be. I can forgive you but cannot forget.

I feel like I completely wasted your time this week, and tomorrow is our last session of the week. I don't know what's going on with me this week, and I don't know what to do about it.

For some reason, when you asked me how I was feeling every couple of seconds during an exposure task, it seemed to interrupt my experience of emotions. I'm trying to think of the most tactful way to give this feedback when we meet again next week.

It's intolerable to think I can never see you again.

Feelings are many, words are few. Roll on the 6th.

I'm nervous, but not as nervous as I used to be before bringing up this kind of topic. I'm actually kind of expecting you to handle it well and reassure me that my fears are not the case.
I guess this is progress.
Maybe I'm trusting you more.
Please please please don't let me have been wrong. This is a big thing I've been too scared and ashamed to address directly for a long time.

Dear T,

I find myself wanting to contact you, even though we just had a session. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

-C

Of course the one time that you're behind me would be the time I ****ed up my shifting... I thought "yikes, i hope no one heard that," then looked in my mirror and saw you.
Can I get a do over? I swear I normally seem much cooler.